Chapter 20 – vulnerable

Piper and Alex were silent on the drive back home, lunch ended abruptly after Alex said her piece to Bill. Piper tried getting Alex to talk, but she refused. Alex didn't know what to feel right now, she was angry and confused. She hated the fact that Piper had discussed such personal issues with Bill, especially after how badly he'd treated Piper at the start of their relationship. But above everything else, she was hurt that Piper didn't tell her about what she'd told Bill.

As soon as Piper parked the car Alex jumped out and slammed the door, but she didn't head into the apartment building. She started walking down the street, she didn't know where she was going, but she knew she needed to get away. She wasn't ready to sit in that apartment, all she wanted was some space to breathe. She started jogging, and then running, she could hear Piper behind her, but she wasn't ready to talk.

"Alex, slow down! I'm sorry!

Alex could feel the warm tears on her cheeks and she started to slow her pace. She stopped once she turned a corner, leaning against a brick wall as she tried to regain some composure. In the almost 12 months she had been with Piper, she'd never felt quite like this. She'd never felt like Piper had done something bad to her, but Alex couldn't help feeling that way now.

Piper finally caught up and stood in front of Alex as she caught her breath. She was afraid of how Alex would react, that she'd run off and do something stupid. "Please Al, I'm sorry."

"If this is too hard for you Piper, I won't blame you for leaving." There was silence between both girls for a moment. Not because Piper wanted to leave, but because she was hurt that Alex would say that after nearly a year together. There were so many times when Piper could have decided it was all too hard and left for an easier life. But that's not what she wanted. She didn't want an "easier" life, she wanted a life filled with the most amazing love. A love that made all the bad times worth it, that made her smile every day. That was something she had never seen growing up, her parents didn't seem to love each other at all. She didn't want to end up in a loveless relationship like her parent's marriage, she wanted fireworks.

Alex's eyes were still filling with tears as Piper searched her face for an answer, "why did you have to tell him that stuff Pipes? He already thinks I'm fucking pathetic, and now he thinks I can't take care of you. Fuck!" Alex pushed herself off the wall and walked back towards the apartment building, but Piper didn't follow her, she didn't know what to say. She needed her own time to process the afternoon, Alex wasn't the only one who struggled to make sense of life at times.

Alex went into the apartment building and ran up the stairs and through her front door, "can I borrow the car for a bit? Is it starting yet?"

Diane looked at Alex, she could see her eyes were red and she was obviously upset, "everything ok?"

"I'm fine, I just need the car for a bit." Alex couldn't stop fidgeting, she was not in the mood for the third degree from her mum. She just wanted the car keys so she could get the hell out of there.

"I'm not giving you the fucking car keys when you're upset like this. What's going on Alex?"

"Nothing is going on!" She didn't mean to get angry at Diane, but she had been holding herself together for as long as she could and she could feel herself starting to break.

Diane was more than familiar with Alex's moods, and she wasn't going to let this one slide. She quickly walked over to her daughter and took her hand, "hey, don't act like a fucking child Alex. Come and talk to me, please."

The tears had already started rolling down Alex's cheeks again, and her voice starting to quiver. She'd had enough of talking and crying lately, she just had this overwhelming need to get away. She missed the luxury of being able to fall apart without anyone noticing, "please mum, I need to go." Diane could only just hear what Alex was saying. In the past she might have left Alex go to blow off some steam, but not now, not after everything they'd been through. Diane looked at her daughter and tried to pull her into a hug. Alex tried to push her away, but Diane wouldn't let go. Eventually Alex stopped trying to push her mum away and let herself relax into the hug. Alex pulled back and looked at her mum, "I'm fine ok, I just want to take a drive. I actually think I left my jacket at the restaurant."

Diane assumed the lunch didn't go well, and she wasn't willing to let Alex go anywhere on her own, "If you wanna go for a drive you're taking me with you, got it?"

There was a hint of a smirk on Alex's lips as she took the car keys from Diane, "fine." The drive was mostly silent. Alex was looking for signs of Piper on the streets, but saw nothing, she had no idea where Piper had gone after their confrontation on the street. Alex pulled up outside the restaurant, leaving Diane in the car as she went to grab her jacket. Alex walked towards where she was sitting less than an hour ago to see Bill still there, looking into a glass of red wine. Alex didn't understand why he was still sitting there, so she decided to break the silence, "hi Bill."

He looked up, clearly not expecting to see Alex standing in front of him, "Alex, I assume you're here for your jacket?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Look, I didn't mean to offend you earlier. But surely you can understand that my primary concern is looking after Piper. Now, I'm sorry that you haven't had an easy life, it's not something I can relate to. But don't use it as a badge you can stick in my face and accuse me of not caring. And you can't blame me for wanting to take care of Piper. I don't know you Alex, and I do worry about Piper being with you, I'm her father. I think you need to calm down and think about things before we take this conversation any further."

Alex had no interest in another confrontation and kept her voice low and steady, "I am calm, Bill. But I don't need your pity, ok."

"It's not pity Alex! What is it exactly you want me to say to you? Is there anything I could say to you that you wouldn't deem to be offensive?" Bill looked at Alex as he waited for a response, but the truth was that Alex didn't even know how to answer that question. She knew she was being hostile, but she couldn't stop herself. Maybe there wasn't anything Bill could say that wouldn't piss her off. But she wanted Bill to know that he didn't need to worry about Piper, "I can make Piper happy, I can look after her, we look after each other. Why can't you get that?"

"I get it Alex, but I'm still allowed to worry. She's living with you and your family, I barely feature in her life anymore." Bill's voice almost cracked as he finished his sentence, sipping his red wine to regain composure.

"And whose fault is that? You broke her heart, you and your wife. I fucking love her, and I will look after her."

"Fair enough Alex, I won't disagree with you. Hopefully next time we can move past these issues, for Piper's sake." Bill stood up, shook Alex's and left the restaurant. Alex felt calmer than she did before, she picked up her jacket and went back to the car.

0-0-0-0-0

It was dinner time and Piper still hadn't come home, Alex was worried. Lucy was sleeping over at a friend's house, leaving Diane and Alex home alone. Alex was quiet for most of the night, she just wanted Piper to come home. She'd tried calling and texting, but never got an answer. Alex went to join her mum on the couch, lying down with her head in Diane's lap. Diane didn't want to push Alex to talk, so instead started running her fingers through Alex's long hair, just like she did when Alex was a kid. "Been a long time since it's been just you and me, it's kinda nice."

Alex closed her eyes, Diane could always help her relax. It had been a long time since they'd had this much time alone together. It reminded Alex of their life before Lucy was born, it was just the two of them. Things got really tough after Lucy's dad left, but Alex didn't care. All she cared about was spending time with Diane. She remembered towards the end of Diane's pregnancy when her stomach was huge, they would lie in bed together and Alex could feel Lucy kicking. It felt amazing, she didn't understand how she already loved this person she hadn't even met yet. At first she was worried that a little sister would get in the way of her time with Diane, but it only made that bond stronger. In so many ways, having Piper in her life did the same thing. Her relationship with Piper seemed to make Alex a better person, it strengthened her relationship with Diane and Lucy. All of these memories just kept flooding through Alex's mind, all she could do was sigh.

Diane knew that the lunch with Bill didn't go well and that Piper and Alex had fought. She knew Alex was worried, but also too stubborn to admit it. She just kept smoothing out her daughter's hair, "she'll come back when she's ready Ally, she just needs some time to cool off. You of all people should understand that."

"I just want her to be here with me mum, I'm no good without her anymore."

"You'll always be good in my eyes baby, even if you're a pain in the ass." Diane heard a small laugh from Alex as she sat up again. Alex tucked her legs under herself on the couch and snuggled into Diane. Alex and Diane had this unspoken understanding between them, and right now all Alex wanted was to not be alone, and let herself be reassured by Diane's presence next to her.

0-0-0-0-0

It was just after 11 pm and Piper had spent most of the night just driving around. She eventually stopped for food but she wasn't even hungry. She was about to drive home when her phone started ringing. She assumed it was Alex, she'd been avoiding her calls all night. But when Piper looked at her phone she realised it was actually Lucy calling her. Piper pulled over straight away and answered the call, "Lucy, is everything ok?"

"Yeah. I tried calling Alex but she didn't answer. Can you come pick me up, I don't wanna sleep here anymore. I need to go home."

Piper knew better than to try and get details from Lucy on the phone. It had been a long time since she'd wanted to be picked up from a sleepover, so Piper assumed there'd been an argument. She was also worried about the fact that Alex didn't answer Lucy's calls, that never happened. Piper started thinking about Alex, that maybe she was high or drunk, or in danger. She tried to shake those thoughts from her mind, she needed to stop worrying about Alex like she was a child. Alex was an adult, she needed to start acting like one. Piper eventually pulled into the same driveway they'd dropped Lucy off at earlier that same day. Just like always, Lucy was waiting in the front yard and jumped into the car straight away. This all felt too familiar for Piper, it brought her back to the first night she'd met Alex and Lucy. Piper was overwhelmed with memories of that night, she'd felt so drawn to Alex, she couldn't stop herself. She'd witnessed the tenderness between Alex and Lucy, she knew she'd just met someone special.

Lucy sat in the front seat, clinging onto her sleeping bag, "what happened Lucy?"

The little girl looked angry, scrunching up her eyebrows in the same way Alex did, "it was Sarah's stupid friends again, they were saying bad things about Alex."

"You wanna talk about it?"

Lucy shook her head, "they were just being mean, but they don't even know her! I just want to go home. Where's Alex?"

"I'm not sure, she's probably at home with your mum." Lucy seemed to accept that, staying quiet for the rest of the drive. As soon as they got home, Lucy went looking for Alex, finding her asleep on the couch. Piper left Lucy alone in the lounge room and got ready for bed, she wasn't ready to speak to Alex. She still felt angry about how badly the afternoon had gone, but she knew some of the blame sat with her. She went back into the kitchen to get a bottle of water and checked on the two sisters. Lucy had managed to squeeze herself onto the couch with Alex, Piper went back to bed without saying anything.

0-0-0-0-0

Piper was exhausted by the next morning, she couldn't sleep without Alex. It was barely 6am by the time she'd woken up. She went back into the lounge to check on Alex and Lucy, who were now spread out on the lounge room floor on top of a blanket. Piper didn't want to go back to bed alone, so sat herself on the couch with a book. It was another hour before Alex woke up, stretching her arms out and groaning, "fuck, I am too old to be sleeping on the floor." Alex got up off the floor and sat next to Piper, "I'm sorry about yesterday, I shouldn't have acted like that."

"It's ok Al, I should've warned you about what I told my dad, I'm sorry too." Piper leaned her head against Alex's shoulder and intertwined their fingers.

"I saw him again, yesterday. I went back to the restaurant to get my jacket, he was still sitting at the table. We cleared the air a bit, turns out we both have you in common." Piper smiled as they sat on the couch and kissed, waiting for the day to start. They didn't say much more about their argument or the lunch, both just accepting what happened and focussing on the new day.

0-0-0-0-0

The next few weeks went by quietly for the girls, slipping back into a normal life, even though Robbie's trial still hung over their heads. Piper spoke to her dad on the phone once, but still had no contact with her mum. Alex kept receiving texts from Emily, but at least she wasn't asking to catch up in person. Piper still felt extremely uncomfortable around Emily. They still had no idea what Robbie did to her, or why she seemed to be so attached to Alex. The months were slowly crawling closer and closer towards Christmas, and the police kept in touch with them as work on the trial progressed. It was a Wednesday afternoon in October when the police came to the apartment to discuss the trial.

Alex, Piper and Diane sat in the kitchen across from the two police officers, while Lucy was at school.

"Ladies, we wanted to speak with you about some of the details Mr Green has been discussing while he's been in holding. This won't be easy to hear, but we wanted to discuss this with you before the trial."

Alex was already worried about this discussion, and now she felt even worse, "what the hell is going on?"

The police looked uncomfortable as they started to discuss the details, "Alex, Mr Green is claiming that he did not abuse you at any stage, he's claiming…. he's claiming it was consensual."

Alex stood up so fast she knocked her chair over, "what the fuck! There was nothing fucking consensual about any of it! And what about when I landed in the hospital, was that consensual too?" Alex's mind was racing, she didn't know what to do with her hands, she felt like she was losing control of her life all over again.

The main policeman that was speaking, Officer Bennett, felt horrible for Alex, but they needed to have this conversation before court proceedings started, "I know Alex, I know. But we need to prepare you for what's going to happen in the courtroom. He's claiming the two of you had a consensual relationship, and that when he tried to end it, you lashed out. He's claiming that's what caused the altercation that put you in hospital. Alex, we need you to stay strong ok, but we also need to be open with you about what the defence will throw at you."

Piper picked up Alex's chair and tried to get her to sit down, "c'mon Al," eventually Alex sat back down, but she refused to withhold her disgust, "I'm gay, how can he say that! I wouldn't have been covered in bruises if there was a consensual relationship."

Bennett didn't know what to say, "there's no evidence of the ongoing abuse Alex, it's your word versus his. Or your friends' word versus his, it's not enough. We'll need to try and build the case around the initial attack when you ended up in the hospital, and what he did to you when he came back looking for Diane. We've got statements from the attending officers that night and the paramedics that attended to you, that's a good thing."

Alex's thoughts immediately raced to Emily and the abuse she suffered because of Robbie, "what about his daughter, Emily, she knows what went on, that's why she tried to find me in the first place."

"We've already spoken to her, but we'll sit down with her again. We'll do everything we can Alex, but we need you to prepare yourself. Now, we're probably only a month or so away from the court room. We'll keep in touch okay, you know how to contact us if you have any questions."

The police left quickly, leaving the three women in the kitchen. Diane had been quiet the whole time, and she still wasn't saying anything. But Alex just kept getting angrier, "Fuck! I can't believe that asshole! I can't sit there and listen to him spout that shit in a courtroom full of people, I can't do it!"

All Piper could think was that she had to calm Alex down before she spiralled out of control, "Al please just listen to me okay, we'll work this out."

Alex couldn't calm down, she couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities. Everyone already thought she was nothing, which would only get worse if people started thinking she was actually having an affair with Robbie. She felt sick to her stomach, she ran to the bathroom and starting heaving over the basin. Piper ran after her, with Diane following. Diane walked up behind her daughter and started rubbing circles on her back. Alex leaned her head against the basin, trying to hold back her emotions, "it's not true mum, it's not fucking true."

"I know baby, you don't need to tell me that. Please just come sit down okay, come with me Ally." Alex managed to compose herself enough to let go of the basin and grab onto Diane's hand, following her to the lounge room. Diane sat Alex on the couch and knelt in front of her, while Piper sat next to her on the couch, "look at me Alex, I'm worried about you baby. We will all get through this together, but I need you to be honest with me okay. I need to know if you're struggling, if you're not doing good, come to me, or to Piper. Don't do anything silly Ally, no drugs, no running away. Okay?"

Alex could barely bring herself to look Diane in the face, until she eventually felt that familiar touch pulling her face up until she could see her mother's eyes, "can you do that for me baby?" Alex nodded as she looked Diane in the eyes, she didn't want to let her down, but she was struggling to process everything that had just happened. "I gotta go pick up Lucy from school okay, I want you to be here when I get back."

"I'll be here mum." Diane kissed Alex on the cheek before going to pick up her youngest daughter.

Piper was relieved that Diane managed to calm Alex down, "can I get you anything Al?"

"We need to call Emily, she can help us Piper, she knows more about him, about his past. He raped her!" Alex got up and started pacing the lounge room.

"We will talk to her Alex but not now, please, you're scaring me." Piper grabbed Alex by the arm and pulled her closer, "Lucy will be home soon, we need to get it together okay, I don't want to upset her."

Alex nodded slowly, realising she needed to keep it together for Lucy, and the last thing she wanted was to scare Piper. "Okay, I'm okay. It's just not what I was expecting, at least we know we don't need to wait much longer for all the court stuff to start. I just want it all over with. Let's just relax tonight, I need a distraction."

Piper was relieved Alex seemed to have calmed down at the mention of Lucy. They could call Emily tomorrow, but right now Piper wanted to make sure Alex was holding it together. "Why don't you try and get another appointment with Kerry next week? She'll help you deal with all this, I can help you pay for it."

Piper was surprised when Alex nodded in agreement, not even trying to argue with her about the appointment or accepting help with money. "You're right Pipes, I'll do that, thanks." Alex leaned over and kissed Piper gently, "I need you to make love to me tonight." Alex deepened the kiss after she whispered the request into Piper's ear. With everything that had been going on, they hadn't been intimate with each other as much as they used to. Alex missed it, she needed to feel that closeness. But she didn't want it to be rough and fast, she needed Piper to take her time and be gentle. It was in those moments that she felt impossibly close to Piper, those moments were Alex allowed herself to be completely vulnerable and give herself up to Piper. She needed to feel that tonight, before life got crazy again.