AN: Yes, this is long and I am sorry about that, but I feel it is important to the story. The ending is coming closer! Thank you for reading this and keep reviewing! It keeps me wanting to write more!
After spending a half-hour by Johnny's side, Roy reluctantly made his way to the 8th floor to meet with Dr. Druthers. Taking the stairs to avoid in an effort to avoid anyone, Roy examined his reluctance at the idea of going to see a therapist.
I've seen a therapist before, granted it was the department therapist and was mandatory due to a call or work related situation. I never had an issue with that before, so why is today so different? Roy pondered the situation and slowly realized the difference. It's because this time, I feel as though my job isn't resting on the evaluation of one or two sessions, but rather my family as we define it is depending on these sessions. Doctor Early made it clear that unless this therapist made him feel as though we could handle dealing with Johnny and possible difficulties, he wouldn't release Johnny into our care. Considering how much of a part of our family Johnny is, I can't even imagine what it would be like NOT to have him included in our daily lives anymore.
Abruptly cut off from his introspection by almost running into a tall, black hair, deeply tanned man in his forties in Dr. Druthers waiting room, Roy let out a gasp of surprise. Assuming correctly that this gentleman was the doctor he was sent to see, Roy tried to recover.
"Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to umm, well, to…" fumbling, Roy trailed off, embarrassed by his lack of awareness.
This is surely a horrible way of meeting someone who will be judging my every move and thought, Roy criticized himself.
"Don't worry about it," Dr. Druthers pleasantly said as he smiled. "If it helps, I was startled as well. I was just on my way to see if some copies I wanted were ready, but I can always do that later. Why don't you come in?"
Stepping into the door that was held open, Roy glanced around the office quickly. The square room was simply done in a muted cream color, with a big window facing the ER parking lot. On the left hand wall there were bookcases filled with various textbooks related to psychology. The door just managed to open without hitting any of them. In the right hand corner was a small table and two chairs designed for children. There was also an open toy box next to the table and Roy could see that it was filled with various toys. The furniture wasn't at all what he was expecting either. Although there was a desk, it was much smaller than expected and was located in the right corner at a diagonal.
It almost seems as though someone said the doctor needed a desk and so he chose the simplest as well as the smallest one possible, Roy thought in amazement. This seemed unusually to him as in his experience, doctors tended to have large desks where they could hide behind when needed.
Instead, what appeared to be the office chair was pulled to the side of the desk, as if the doctor wasn't used to sitting behind it. The chair faced a sofa in the middle of the room; there was also another sofa in the middle of the large window. An arm chair, like one might find at home, was on the right-hand wall, giving the room a cozy, but somewhat overcrowded look. Nothing really quite matched, yet nothing clashed in such a way that you would think someone just dumped whatever was available in this room.
"Feel free to sit where ever you'd like," Dr. Druthers told him when he saw Roy was done assessing the room.
Choosing the sofa in the middle of the room, Roy waited as the doctor settled himself on the armchair across from him.
"First of all, feel free to call me Dr. Druthers, Dr. D. or even Karl. Is it okay to call you Roy?" seeing Roy give his consent, Karl Druthers went on. "I believe you have been in therapy before, in regards to your job, is that correct?"
"Yes, a few times when the department decided to make it mandatory," Roy admitted.
"Whew, makes my job a bit easier, so we'll just deal with all the legal mumble jumble quickly and move on," Dr. Druthers joked, waving his hand carelessly. "I just need to remind you that whatever you say in here remains in here, unless I feel you are a danger to yourself or to others. I am not allowed to break that confidently without a court's petition and even then, I will censor the information that is given to what is being asked. Rarely have these cases come up, but in those times, I usually give the court less than what they would like unless it would serve some better purpose as I feel that doctor/patient confidently shouldn't have so many loopholes. In the case here, things are going to be a bit looser, as Doctor Early does want to make sure you and your family are prepared for what may or may not happen.
"What this means is that I will tell him some of the topics we cover during our sessions, although I will not say whether they were individual or part of the group session whenever possible. I will try not to give specifics on what we talked about and just give him my recommendation that based on those topics covered, I feel you are, or are not, ready to handle Johnny living in your home. I may also recommend continued counseling or other things before he is released to your care. If he is released into your care, I may also recommend other things as well. If I do make recommendations, I highly suggest you follow them in order to ensure that your family has the best chance at succeeding and doing well. At any time, if there is something that you would like to keep between us however, please, speak up and tell me. I will do my best to avoid discussing that with anyone.
"These same guidelines will apply for your entire family. I know this may be difficult, but I will not discuss Christopher's or Jennifer's sessions with you or your wife. They need a safe place where they can discuss how they feel, what they are thinking, their own worries and concerns," the doctor cautioned. "The only exception would be is if I feel that there is something you need to know, but I will likely wait to bring that up in the family sessions and will let them know ahead of time what I plan on doing.
"My goals here are as follows: first, I want to make sure you and your family what can possibly take place because of a traumatic brain injury, what the short term and long term effects may be due to this injury, not just for Johnny, but for each member of your family. Second of all, I want to help you all think through all the options, even what you may consider unpleasant options, for Johnny and your family so that you are aware of them. Third, I want to help you to accept the situation as it is, deal with the long-term possibilities and the effect it can have on your family. Next, if I feel that your family can handle the emotional burden, I want to help you come together as a family to devise a plan and schedule to deal with Johnny's medical needs, while taking into account that you need to take care of yourselves as well. There may be other goals, ideas or whatnot that I add onto this list, but for right now, this is where I feel we should begin.
"I know this is a lot of information to handle," Dr. Druthers apologized. "But, I figure that since I want you to be up front and honest with me, I should be up front and honest with you as well. If it helps at all, it doesn't look as daunting as that paper I just gave you. We have as much time as you are willing to put in."
Looking over the sheet of paper with the goals, Roy dipped his head down before raising his head to glimpse at the doctor. Seeing only compassion, honesty, and willingness, he felt better about the situation.
"Now, I have just a couple questions, and please, don't feel offended, but I thought it best to get these out of the way," Dr. Druthers said. "I would like to know if this is something you still would like to do and put your time into. I also would like to know why you are doing this considering you are under no obligation to do anything like this for Johnny."
A flash of anger came over Roy's face.
"He may not be family in the sense of the fact he is related by blood, but he is family," Roy bit out. "I know I may not have any legal obligation, but I do have a moral one. I can't imagine just leaving him alone in some place where he may or may not get better. He needs to be with his family. He needs to be with people who love him, people who care about him. It's not just me who feels this way. It's my whole family who has adopted him… I mean, how could I do any less for him?"
Smiling, Dr. Druthers reassured him, "I am glad you feel that way. That is the type of people Johnny needs on his side right now."
"Thanks."
"So, what do you think is the hardest thing for you to deal with at this moment?" Karl asked.
Pausing to think, Roy wasn't sure what to say.
"There is a lot actually. I can't imagine how he feels thinking he just lost his parents. Then, I feel like my best friend is gone… I mean, he's right there, but he's not," Roy paused again, clearing his throat at a sudden rush of emotions. "I feel so guilty that I couldn't get to him faster. Or notice something was wrong at Jenny's birthday party. Maybe if I had, things wouldn't be so bad now. I want to help, but I just don't know how."
"Let's just take this one thing at a time, alright? You feel guilty because you didn't notice him feeling ill. I heard what symptoms Johnny had that day, so besides a head injury, could something else have been going on?"
Admitting that, yes, other things could have been going on, from not sleeping well to the start of the flu, Roy added, "I know that in my head, it's just that I wish I could change things."
"Unfortunately, we can't change the past," Doctor Druthers said sympathetically. "You didn't know what happened and it sounds as though Johnny wasn't aware either. As far as him getting hurt in the explosion, he was doing his job, correct?"
"Yes," Roy admitted reluctantly.
"Do you believe that he could or should have done anything differently?"
"No! John worked as fast as he could, it's just that time was against us, what with the fire moving so quickly. If it hadn't been for the gas cans being stored, things probably would have been fine. Danger is just a part of the job."
"Again, you yourself have pointed out that it seems there were no other options than for what happened to have happened," Dr. Druthers calmly drew attention to the facts. "I am sure it is difficult to accept it, so I'd like you to work on is trying to accept it."
Seeing the nod of agreement, he went on.
"Now, unfortunately, feeling like you lost your best friend..." sighing, Dr. Druthers paused, hating to say what he knew he should say and leaned forward. "Right now, you need to remember that in a sense, you have lost your friend. Who he was is not who he is right now and as hard as it may be to hear, Johnny may never be who he was. Allow yourself to grieve for who he was and hope that someday, you can find him again, but prepare yourself for a future where things remain as they are. You need to focus on being who Johnny needs, which is an authority figure who can direct him and help him navigate life. Someone who can help him deal with the loss of his parents. By trying to learn to accept this, as difficult as it may be, it will help. I am not saying give up hope, but it will take months at the very least for Johnny to recover and even then, Dr. Early has told me that he doesn't know for sure whether he will recover fully or not."
Reeling back, Roy sank into the sofa feeling as if he had been physically punched. He had been holding onto the idea that any time now, Johnny, or at least the Johnny he had known, would be back. Being told to let that idea go made him feel physically ill.
I guess it does make sense. By mourning for who he was, maybe it will be easier to accept things. And at least there will be reminders of him, no matter what. How do I begin to act as though he is gone when he is still here? Roy was lost in his thoughts and didn't realize that his eyes had begun to water.
"Roy," Doctor Druthers softly asked, touching him on the hand. Seeing that Roy had been startled out of his contemplations, he quickly apologized.
"I know that asking that of you is going to be hard, but I think for you, considering how close you two are and how much you have relied on Johnny throughout the years, it may be the best way to come to terms with the situation. If you can find a way to accept things without doing so however, more power to you. It would help if you have someone else at work that you could talk to, that might understand what you're going through and someone who has been there for you in the past during times when Johnny's been off of work."
"Mike…" Roy softly stated. "He offered to listen anytime, well, so did everyone, but he has an autistic sister so he might understand better than others. Otherwise, I usually talk to whoever I guess. It all depends on the situation and such."
"That's good, try to learn how to reach out to Mike when you miss talking to Johnny since he seems willing," Dr. Druthers encouraged.
"I will," Roy promised, but his heart still ached at the thought of being unable to talk to Johnny about the random, trivial everyday things as they had in the past temporary.
Just please God, just please let this be temporary, Roy pleaded.
"Are you okay?" Karl asked compassionately.
"I think so. It's just hard to accept."
"Why don't you tell me about what roles Johnny has played in your life before this accident?" Doctor Druthers inquired.
Smiling softly, Roy went on to tell him how he had met Johnny almost ten years ago when he was recruiting for the paramedic program. He wasn't sure that Johnny would actually sign up, but he was so thankful he did. All the questions he had and information he had looked up beforehand made it clear to Roy that Johnny wanted to do more than simply rescue people from whatever situation they found themselves in before rushing them off to the hospital. Like Roy, John had a drive to help more. With his natural curiosity, he got top marks in the paramedic program. That, along with how well they had hit it off during training convinced Roy to ask Johnny to become his partner.
"It was one of the better decisions I made, doc," Roy proudly claimed. "We just clicked and found a good rhythm fairly quickly that allowed us to become one of the better team of paramedics."
"When did you introduce him to your family?" prodded Doctor Druthers. He was hoping to find out more about the bonds between not only Roy and Johnny, but also between the DeSoto family and Johnny as well from Roy's perspective.
"It was just after he had graduated from training, I was just retaking the course. I had already gone through it at a different hospital," Roy explained, seeing the confusion on Karl's face. "John had been invited before, but he kept putting it off until then. I said since he was going to be partnered up with me he should meet my family. He was still unsure, but he came home with me. I know Joanne wasn't too sure about him at first. Something about him being too young and she was sort of right, he was only 21, but he had almost two years of rescue under him.
"It took him a while to warm up to Jo because of her attitude but she eventually got over it. Not sure how to this day," Roy scratched his left ear with a puzzled look on his face. "I think the only reason he kept coming over, despite the fact of how Jo acted was because of the kids. He fell in love with Jenny as soon as I put her in his arms even though he was scared out of his mind at the thought at first."
Laughing, Roy could clearly recall the terror pasted on Johnny's face as Roy went to place three month old Jennifer in his arms. Despite his protests of never holding a baby and saying that he was terrified of hurting her, he seemed to be a natural at it. This look of awe just came over Johnny's face when Jenny looked at him. To top it off, when Chris saw that his sister wasn't afraid of him, he crawled up on the couch next to him and curled up next to him as well.
"Sounds as though it was rough at first," Karl sympathized as he settled back in his chair a bit.
"It was, but I think Jo learned after a few months that despite his seemingly youthful innocence and carefree attitude, on the job, he was dedicated and serious. As she learned more about him, she just seemed to accept him more and more. I think he finally became family after the monkey virus though."
Extremely curious as he had never heard of any such thing, Doctor Druthers had to repeat, "Monkey virus?"
Nodding yes, Roy explained how playing with a simple monkey resulted in five people coming down with a virus transmitted through a virus from overseas-the person who brought the animal over, Dr. Brackett, Johnny, and a fireman who ended up dying before a cure was found. Thankfully, the fifth person who had had the virus didn't become too ill and their blood was used for a cure. However, Johnny was still fairly weak afterwards and needed help for a while. Since he had no family in the area, Jo and he offered to take him to their house to recover for a week or two. The two weeks turned into three weeks, as his kids just didn't want him to go home. Neither did Joanne, as she was worried that being by himself in his apartment, he might overdo things, not take care of himself properly or eat well either.
Hearing that, Karl had to laugh. "Sounds like your wife took over things."
"Yea, she did, and boy, did Johnny protest at first," Roy told him with a smile. "I just let him know that it was of no use though. Once she gets an idea in her head, its best to stand back and follow orders when needed. Honestly, I was just glad they were getting along better and I think they were finally able to work out whatever issues they had between them. She protects him like a big sister."
"And you're the big brother?" Dr. Druthers confirmed.
"Chris and Jenny have grown up thinking he was their uncle. It took them years to realize we weren't related by blood, but it just means that he needs extra love and 't.l.c.', according to them. He does have an aunt, but let's just say that Ms. Gage only cares enough that she wants to know he is alive yet it seems and has more or less washed her hands of anything else."
"Unfortunately, it seems some people are like that. And according to my notes, it says that," Doctor Druthers looked down at his notes to make sure he got the information right. "Johnny lost his parents at age seven, yet his aunt didn't take him to California until he was about twelve years old. Do you know where he was or what took place during that time?"
"No, and she wouldn't inform me," Roy said in disgust. "Claimed it wasn't any of my business. Yet, she says also that it is my business to sign medical and legal documents until Johnny is able to as I am listed as next of kin and I am also his medical power of attorney. I am not sure how she figures that one out. She would like me to help him, yet she refuses to give me any information that may help Johnny."
"That does sound frustrating," Karl agreed. "We can't dictate others actions, only our reactions to them. I will write a note about this, and perhaps we can find out where Johnny specifically thinks he is supposed to be at, such as a foster home or children's home."
Although he was still frustrated over having to possibly upset Johnny, Roy felt better that at least someone might know how to bring up such a topic.
With those issues covered, Dr. Druthers and Roy spent some of the remaining time discussing how Roy might feel about being a parental type figure to John. Most of the time was spent in laughter as Roy shared the numerous times he spent having to look after John already. Trouble always seemed to find Johnny, and without someone looking after him, Roy wasn't sure how Johnny would muddle through some days.
"Although, despite the fact I have to make sure he behaves so he doesn't get in trouble at work," Roy confessed. "Joanne is the one who is really more of a parent to him. Whenever he is laid up due to an injury or an illness, she forces him to stay at our house until he is able to manage on his own. She also makes him eat with us at least once a week to get a home cooked meal in him. Johnny somehow has even gotten her to help him out when he needs a button sewn on or clothes repaired. I'm still trying to figure out how he got her to help him out with those since our kids have learned how to repair buttons. By now, I just know better than to ask when he comes over with clothes to be repaired. We usually end up with free babysitting and movie tickets anyway, so I guess I can't complain.
"The kids grew up with him always being there for them. Whether as another playmate, a babysitter whenever Joanne and I wanted or needed to go out, or just another adult they trusted. As much as the other members of the stations are also their 'uncles', the three of them just seem to have more of a bond. Jenny can only get Johnny to play dolls or tea party with her. They even seem to have preferred at times having him read their bedtime stories rather than Jo or I since he is better at voices than us."
Dr. Druthers started laughing, amused by the dynamics between the family members. Steering the conversation in a new direction, he asked Roy a difficult direction.
"It sounds like John has been an essential part of your kid's lives and has helped guide them through the years. How do you think this injury will affect them?"
"Uhh, honestly, I don't know," Roy admitted softly, rubbing his hands on his legs. "Jo and I are worried about it. I talked about it with Cap a bit and well, I don't know if this is the right way to deal with it, but I am hoping that one of the other guys I work with will help out. I know that there are just some cases where being around mom or dad is not wanted and especially with Chris nearing his twelfth birthday, he has talked to Johnny about things bothering him before coming to us about them. I relay, or should say, have relied, on Johnny's guidance. With Jennifer, she tends to place Johnny into more of a friend role still, so I am not quite as worried as I know she has quite a few good friends.
"Jo was the one who pointed out we will end up having to figure out a lot of different things, considering how much we have come to depend on Johnny. I mean, yeah, the guys will help out when they can, as will their families, but neither one of us wants Jenny or Chris to feel as if we are abandoning them. On the other hand, we want to make sure that Johnny has a safe, loving place to heal in."
"I'm glad you two realize those things, and I will do my best to teach you ways of dealing with this situation," Karl promised. "Do you have any other fears, worries, or anything?"
"I guess, well," clearly a bit uncomfortable, Roy paused. "I wish I knew how to prepare for questions he might have or things like that. Do I tell him right now that we know where his aunt is, but she doesn't want him? Or what? And how do we reassure him that it is okay to trust me and my family? Stuff like that I guess."
Nodding, Doctors Druthers, took the questions one at a time.
"I would assume John would likely ask why he will eventually come home with you, if that is the best decision for him. If so, considering his aunt is elderly and has no wish to deal with this, I would say that she is simply not well enough to take care of him and thinks that perhaps your family would be the best place for him. As far as him learning to trust you, not to mention trust others and learn how to cope with this situation, I'm afraid that it will take time."
"That is one thing Johnny is not good with. I am not sure he ever was," Roy conceited with an impish grin.
Deciding to end the session on a good note, the doctor told Roy that tomorrow they would talk some more like they did today and start figuring out how best to deal with some issues that were addressed today.
"Feel free to come on up and talk to me today if you feel the need. Otherwise, just send up Joanne when she gets her and you can send the kids up here after school. While one of them is in session, the other can either wait in the outer office or go on down to the peds floor. Dixie cleared it so that it would be fine for them to be in the playroom. I will be here for about an hour after your two kids leave tonight and will be back tomorrow around 8:30 a.m. so come on up any time after that, alright?"
"I will, thanks," Roy said gratefully. The session wasn't as bad as he had thought it would be and although there were some hard facts to face, at least now, he had a starting place. That alone boosted his spirits, even if it was a small amount.