It's CPD day! Woo-hoo! Again, I want to thank ya'll for the lovely reviews. You guys sure know how to encourage a girl to write.

I own nothing.

I don't want to leave you….

I want to stay…

I'm going to miss you…

Jay is paralyzed. The world around him seems to blur as he stares straight ahead in a sort of daze. He can't believe what he is hearing. He can't make sense of the words coming out of Erin's mouth and his mind fills with dread and worry. He sinks lower into the bed, all his energy draining away with each passing second. He knew there was something off about her. It is almost like she split into two separate beings – one is feeling, and the other retreating to a distance.

He finds his bearings and wills himself to walk to the nursery. He slowly pushes the door open still somewhat in denial about what he heard. He sees her asleep on the rocker with Lucy. He doesn't really know what to do. Jay doesn't think that pulling Lucy away from her or waking her up is the best option. So he quietly enters the nursery and shuts the door behind him. He slides down the door and watches them until he finally slips into the nothingness of sleep.

...x...

Erin wakes up, but she keeps her eyes tightly shut. She immediately feels the lack of Lucy's weight on her chest and a sense of dread travels up her spine. She feels like she is missing a huge part of herself and all that's left are frail remnants of a functioning person. She can't bear the thought that everything she lived the day before is gone. Tears begin to burn the back of her eyes, but slowly she peers past them to see pale green walls. She sits up and realizes she's still on the rocking chair in Lucy's nursery. A deep peace settles over her heart.

She stands up and checks the crib, but Lucy is not there. She steps out in the hallway and everything is eerily quiet. She walks into their bedroom and sees an unmade bed, but no Jay. However, when she climbs down the stairs, she finds him seated on the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. The early morning sun cast long shadows from the trees outside over him. He looks pale and tired as if he hadn't slept all night.

"Morning," she states, although it sounded more like a question.

"Morning," Jay replies. His voice a bit hoarse.

Erin notices Jay's quiet demeanor and she feels a moment of distant panic. She pans her eyes around the kitchen and asks, "Where is Lucy?"

"I, um, dropped her off with Will," Jay replies.

"Oh," Erin says. She doesn't know what to make of it, so she asks. "Why?"

Jay takes a sip of his coffee and says, "We need to talk."

His tone spike a degree of fright in her. "What do you want to talk about," she says, taking a careful seat across from him on the table.

Jay takes a deep breath and holds it as he debates on whether or not to say what he is thinking. "Erin," says in a kind voice, reaching for her hands. "I heard you on the baby monitor last night."

Erin stares at their intertwined hands then looks up at Jay. His eyebrows are raised and he is chewing the corner of his lip. Erin knows that face. He wants her to let him in and as much as a part of her wants to tell him everything, she's smart enough to know he would never believe her.

"What did you hear?" She asks, knowing full well that he heard everything.

"Erin," Jay says softly. "Are you thinking of leaving?"

Erin lets her head hang low. That was the last thing she wanted him to ask.

"Erin..." Jay gently lifts her chin up and looks her in the eyes and it's almost as though he is burrowing a hole through her heart.

"No," she says truthfully.

Jay looks at her confused. His voice is tight when he speaks. "Then why were saying those things to Lucy?"

"I, um," Erin struggles to find the words to explain what is really going on. "I didn't think when I went to sleep last night that I would wake up…here."

Jay looks at her even more perplexed than before. "Wha – Where did you think you would be?"

Erin untangles her hands from his and runs over her face. "Look, this is going to sound weird and unreal, but I promise you I'm telling you the truth."

Jay looks at her maintaining his baffled expression. "What is it?"

"I'm not the Erin you think I am."

Jay's mouth opens but he is at a loss for words. Jay shakes his head and says, "What are you talking about?"

"The last thing I remember before yesterday was handing in my badge and–"

"Wait…What?" Jay interrupts her, trying to wrap his mind around what she said. "You handed in your badge?"

"After what happened with Nadia I just—"

"Hold on…." Jay says, standing up and running a hand through his hair. "Are you talking about what happened five years ago?"

"Has it been five years?" Erin knows how absurd this sounds and if she was in Jay's shoes she would have called bullshit a long time ago. "All I remember the day before yesterday was that I handed in my badge and just..." She lets the sentence go unfinished as shame washes over her. "Then the next thing I know I'm here," Erin says hesitantly. "I thought this whole thing was me tripping or dreaming or… I don't know. I thought I would wake up in my apartment."

Jay looks dazed, unable to digest the incongruity of it all. "Let me get this straight." He walks around the table and pulls a chair next to her. "You have no idea what happened in the last five years? Like, some sort of amnesia?"

"Kind of…I don't know," Erin says confused. "As absurd as this seems, it feels like I traveled in time." Erin looks gravely at Jay and adds, "I just met Lucy for the first time yesterday."

"You just met Lucy…" Jay says under his breath, shaking his head. "Okay, this is crazy. I think I need to take you to a hospital."

"No, I don't need a hospital. I'm not crazy, Jay," Erin says a bit defensive.

"Erin, you're telling me you just met our daughter." He takes her hand and brings it to his lips. "This isn't normal Erin. I'm worried."

"How do you think I feel? Jay, I woke up and I have a life I don't remember. I have a daughter I don't recall having…"

Jay sighs. He lets his head hang low. "Is this why you keep bringing up her birth? You don't remember what happened that day?"

"I don't remember being pregnant with Lucy. I don't remember having Lucy." Erin pauses and then adds, "I don't remember us."

Jay feels like he just took a punch to his stomach. "Erin, I think I need to get you checked out."

"I'm not crazy," she insists.

Jay looks gravely at her. "I'm not saying you're crazy. But what you're telling me is crazy."

"I know," Erin agrees.

After a beat of silence she quietly asks, "What happened when Lucy was born? "

Still in disbelief, Jay tilts his head to the side and says, "Erin, you were there. You know what happened."

"Jay…."

Jay bites his bottom lip. Is he really going to play along? "Okay, um, you were in labor for like, twenty hours, and when it was finally time to push, Lucy's heartrate began to drop. They said it was negligible so you started pushing…. You don't remember any of this?" Jay asks.

"No."

Jay shakes his head, still incredulous. "You pushed for a very long time and with every push Lucy's heartrate dropped. You were getting tired and she was not coming out. Then her heart monitor flat lined. That's when all hell broke loose. I don't know what they did, but within the next five minutes Lucy came out….''

Erin can see the hurt and pain in his eyes and hears it in his voice. She places her hand on top of his. She can feel him trembling – at least she thinks it is him. It might be her.

"She came out and she was blue and not breathing." He glances down at the floor as he pauses to gather his thoughts, then looks up to recapture her gaze. "They rubbed her chest for a while and when that didn't work, they rammed tubes into her throat. Then they just…took her away. You freaked out. Your monitors starting beeping like crazy and the next thing I know I'm being pushed out the room." Jay releases a long breath and adds, "I waited an entire hour before I got any news on either of you."

"What happened to Lucy?"

"The umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and she asphyxiated. She stayed in the NICU under observation for nearly a week."

Erin looks at him and sees the pain that still lingers in his eyes. "I can't imagine what you went through."

Jay pulls her in his arms, holding her close. "What we went through," he says tentatively. "Does anything ring a bell?"

Erin shakes her head. There's a beat of silence between them, punctuated only by the sounds of the city waking up outside.

"I don't know what's going on with you. Just tell me what you need from me," Jay says.

"You still have my back?"

He pauses and then looks straight into her eyes. "Always."

Thanks for reading. Your thoughts/ideas/questions are always welcomed.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end - Scott Adams.

Let's be kind today.

Cheers!