Aboard the timemobile, Clark Kent dreamed about some of his experiences during the Gathering of Heroes on Vulcan.
Only now he also recalled another mental attack by the Joker.
"With great power comes great responsibility," Teal'c said.
Man, Clark thought. Teal'c is almost as bad as a Vulcan. Seriously!
"I know all about that," Peter Parker shouted in the background.
"No one's talking to you, Parker," Colonel Jack O'Neill shouted back.
Aunt May hovered above him on her surfboard. As Peter hung upside down, his web was attached to that surfboard.
"Now, Peter dear," Aunt May said. "Don't let Colonel O-Neill or anyone else get you down."
"Thanks, Aunt May," Peter said then smiled broadly. "You're at least as cool as the Aunt May on my world."
"Dude, she's way cooler." Standing near the upside-down Peter, Raj Koothrapalli also sported a broad smile. "I can't believe I'm on Vulcan with Peter Parker. And Aunt May as the Silver Surfer!"
"It doesn't get much better than this," Leonard Hofstadter agreed.
"There's no place to sit," Sheldon Cooper complained.
"And it's a little hot," Howard Wolowitz said, grimacing as he rubbed his neck.
Looking up, Leonard smiled and waved. "Hey, Peter," he called cheerfully.
"Hey, guys." The upside-down Peter waved back. Though he was in a Spider-Man costume, he wore no mask.
A Goth version of Chloe Sullivan approached. "Hey, Spidey. Can I get an upside-down kiss?"
"Sure!"
As the two kissed, the silver-faced Aunt May giggled.
With his arms crossed, Daniel Jackson spoke in his casual but authoritative manner. "This Peter Parker is more like Tony Stark. "
"You don't say," O'Neill said.
"He got rich through a series of inventions as a high school whiz kid. In fact, Tony Stark bought the rights to all of Peter's inventions right out from under Bruce Wayne."
"Really?" O'Neill said, tilting his head back slightly.
"Interesting," Sam Beckett commented.
"Like Tony Stark and Oliver Queen, Peter went public with his identity. Especially after SHIELD put his Aunt May under their protection. And he was too busy inventing to get involved with Gwen Stacy or Mary Jane Watson. So a public identity was no problem. He had almost no ties to anyone else. He had no one in danger."
"Good for him," O'Neill said. "Now when do we blow this popsicle stand?"
Looking a lot like Lily Munster, pale and draped in a long black gown, a Goth version of Lana Lang spoke in a smoky voice straight out of a film noir.
"I am so bored right now."
"I hear you, Lana," O'Neill said. "You'd think a planet full of Heroes would be non-stop excitement."
"You'd think," Lana said.
"But in the history of boredom," O'Neill said, "no one has ever been as bored as I am right now."
"Hey!" someone shouted.
It was Lobo. As he sat on his motorcycle, he narrowed his large dark eyes while he pointed a claw.
"This should be a place for real heroes," he grunted. "Not a bunch of freaks!"
"Who you calling freak?" Lana's mild retort was delivered in a cool, measured manner.
As this went on, Clark wandered through the crowds. After talking with some of the Heroes, he rejoined SG-1. That's when something happened in all their minds.
Their minds were taken over, invaded.
This had happened before for the team. Though afterwards they forgot all about it. .
Such was the way the Joker operated.
In their minds, the team members left Vulcan behind. Left Lana and Lobo and Peter Parker and all the others.
Together, they were pulled into another realm.
A mental realm.
A disturbing realm.
A realm with Rod Serling in it. .
"Hello, Time Travel Team S-G-One," he said, sporting a stiff smile as he held an unlit cigarette. "I'm Rod Serling. And you've been the victims of a bizarre cosmic practical joke."
"We have?" Sam Beckett said, wincing slightly as he hung from a scarecrow pole.
All the team members hung from scarecrow poles.
"Indeed?" Teal'c said. He struggled against the ropes on the scarecrow pole.
"Indeed you have." Serling puffed cheefully on his cigarette. "The Guardian of Forever may have pulled you all out of your various worlds but it was all for naught. There is no crisis after all."
"What a waste of time this has been." A surly Clark hung from his scarecrow pole wearing a "Star Trek" uniform. Half blue. Half red.
A Stargate activated. When a big wave shot out of it, Sheldon Cooper was on top of it. While Beach Boys music played, he rode a silver surfboard. His old-fashioned striped swimsuit covered his entire body, even the feet.
"Bazinga!" he shouted. The word "BAZINGA" appeared in giant blue neon letters above him.
Bathed in the blue light, Rod Serling morphed into General Hammond. "It's all true, people," the general mumbled amiably in his distinctive accent. "Stand down, S-G-One. And you are hereby ordered to render to the Joker any and all assistance he may require. You are to give the Joker your full cooperation. And you are ordered to acknowledge this has all been a huge practical joke."
"Huge practical joke," they all chanted lifelessly.
General Hammond then turned into a giant Ashton Kucher.
"You've been PUNK'D!" the giant shouted.
"Bazinga!" Sheldon shouted again. More flashing from the blue neon sign. .
Ashton then transformed into a normal-sized Joker.
"Just kidding!" he squealed in the high-pitched frenetic voice of Roger Rabbit. "It's me your old pal the Joker!"
"Oh, great," Colonel Jack O'Neill groaned.
Sheldon popped up next to O'Neill's head. "Bazinga," he whispered.
"Sheldon, will you stop that?" O'Neill snapped just before he grunted something else. It sounded like "Oof!"
As the team members fell off their scarecrow poles, some cried out in dismay, others grunted. Using stretchy arms, the Joker gathered the group in a hug, Clark at one end, Beckett at the other. Then he played them all like an accordion, the team members grunting and groaning as he did.
Using an elongated neck, the Joker rubbed his white cheek against Clark's face. While the Joker whimpered like a puppy, Clark simply scowled.
Fists clenched, Teal'c looked stern and grim as he spoke in a pained raspy voice. "If I could be made equal to you, Joker, if you were one to fight in an honorable and fair manner, I would gladly meet you on the field of battle."
Grinning, the Joker rubbed his chin as he rested one elbow on a gloved hand.
"A fair fight, eh? Interesting," A light bulb went on and off above his head. Opening his mouth, the Joker made a loud game show buzzer noise. Members of the team groaned and held their ears.
"DON'T THINK SO!" the Joker screeched.
O"Neill stepped away from the group and pointed his phaser. "I'd really like to stun you right now, Joker."
"Not going to happen," the Joker solemnly pronounced in the voice of President Henry Hayes. With a bored look, the Joker pointed a finger. The tip of the phaser produced only a few sputtering sparks.
O'Neill pointed his phaser at Sheldon. "I'd like to stun you, too, Sheldon."
Sheldon jumped back. "Me?" he yelped. "What did I do?"
"You're really annoying for one thing. And I'd just really like to stun someone."
Looking away, Sheldon crossed his arms. "You and the Punisher would get along great," he murmured.
Giggling, the Joker pointed two fingers. In place of his regular head, O'Neill sprouted the head of Homer Simpson. A Stargate Command cap sat atop the bald yellow head.
"Must...stun...someone," O'Neill grunted in Homer's voice. When his normal head popped back into place, the colonel angrily waved his phaser. "Now I really want to stun someone!"
"Yes, yes," the Joker sighed wearily. "We all want something. Lex Luthor wants a ponytail, Lana wants a pony, Clark wants to go home to Lana. And me?" He shrugged then waved his arms wildly as he assumed the form of Dr. Doofenshmirtz. "I just want to,,, RULE THE MULTIPLE UNIVERSES!"
"Over my dead body," O'Neill said.
The Joker smiled. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that." The Joker put on the head of Lionel Luthor. Wearing Lionel's trademark look of feigned hurt, the Joker spoke in Lionel's voice. "After all, I'm not a murderer, Colonel O-Neill. I actually want to save lives. I want to save Edith Keeler. Just like I saved Bruce Wayne's parents." He pointed a giant finger. "But you undid that."
"Oh, yeah, you did a bang-up job there, Joker," O'Neill said.
Lionel-Joker bowed. "Thank you."
Sheldon leaned forward and whispered. "Colonel O-Neill, I believe that was sarcasm."
O'Neill gave him a look. "Thank you, Sheldon."
Sheldon brightened. "You're very welcome, Colonel O-Neill. You know, I always so enjoy these talks of ours. They always bring me such joy, such peace of mind."
"Right back at you, Sheldon."
Clark's eyes were narrow as he spoke in a dark tone. "You didn't do such a great job with the Bruce Wayne thing, Joker."
"Indeed," Teal'c said. "The people of Earth, the Tauri, were enslaved for hundreds of years as a result of your manipulations. So while you say you are not a murderer you are most certainly a supporter of slavery."
"You manipulate people," Beckett said.
"And you enslave women," Carter said.
"Tradeoffs, people, tradeoffs," Lionel-Joker said in Lionel's voice.
"We will stop you," O'Neill declared as his phaser sputtered again.
"Good luck with that, Colonel O-Neill," Lionel-Joker said drily. Resuming his usual head, the Clown Prince of Crime patted the colonel on the back with a joy buzzer.
"A-a-ah!" O'Neill cried. Then, pointing the phaser, he glared. "I've really had it with you!"
The Joker held a hand to his heart. "Oh, Colonel O-Neill. It's not me you're annoyed with. It's Clark." He leaned against O'Neill as if he were a fence post. "Think about it, O-Neill. Clark is always whining about something." He clasped his hands to his heart as he did Clark's voice. "'Oh, I love Lana. But I also love Chloe. And I miss Mom and Dad. And I miss Pete. Also I don't like Vulcans. I want to go home.'" Sporting a bonnet, the Joker squirted giant tears out of his dark eyes. "Wah-wah-wah!"
O'Neill, looking suitably disgusted, wiped his drenched uniform.
"Really, O-Neill," the Joker said in the voice of Stewie from "Family Guy.". "How do-o-o you put up with that guy?"
Frowning deeply, O'Neill wrung out his cap. "He's better than you."
The Joker's white face sagged and drooped as he held out long purple arms. "He's a great big Kryptonian pain in the you-know-what. A super-powered FREAK!" The Joker began dancing and singing. "SUPER-FREAK! SUPER-FREAK! SUPER-FREAKIN' ….O-NEILL...O-O-OUT!"
As the Joker sang in a screeching voice, he did a weird combination of a Michael Jackson moonwalk with John Travolta disco moves. Made even weirder by the fact that he sprouted four legs for the dance.
"Clark does get on my nerves once in a while," O'Neill admitted.
"Understandably so, my dear friend." Waving his arms, the Joker spoke in a Rex Harrison voice. "He's worse than a Romulan, a meteor freak and a Goa'uld all rolled into one."
"He's not that bad," O'Neill muttered.
The Joker grabbed O'Neill's chin. As he made the colonel face him, the Joker put on a sad face. "What about that awful comment about your son? Clark got to you, didn't he? He cut you inside. Bruised you. Wounded you"
Leaning in, the Joker narrowed his dark eyes. . "When you see your chance, fight back against him!" The Joker clenched a gloved fist. "And later, O-Neill, when you feel discouraged, full of despair, that's when my Time-Blaster is ready to send you away." Giggling, he waved to the group. "But not just you. Everyone on your team! It will send all of you away. AND DON'T COME BACK!"
"But for now..." The Joker's face was hidden in shadow, his look sinister. "You're all very tired and stressed. That makes you vulnerable to mental suggestions. So-o-o-o-o..."
The Joker wiggled his fingers. "How about this then?" Once again, he assumed the form of General Hammond. "Listen up, S-G-One. When you hear about changes in the Prime Universe, you are to disregard what you hear. As far as you're concerned, it has always been that way. You are not to change the Prime Universe in any way. Is that clear?"
As the team members all nodded, the Joker turned into Han Solo speaking into a microphone.
"Situation normal," he declared.
As O'Neill signaled to the others, Daniel nodded his agreement. "Situation normal, guys."
"We're fine here," Beckett said.
"We're all fine," Clark said.
"How are you?" Teal'c turned to O'Neill.
"I'm fine, Teal'c. Thanks for asking." O'Neill turned to Carter. "How are you, Carter?"
"I'm fine, sir. Situation normal."
"Good to hear."
"Yes-s-s-s. Good to hear, Major Carter," the Joker said in a raspy voice. With his face in front of Carter's face, the clown violently shook his head back and forth, his rubbery face making loud squishing ing noises.
"All clear," O'Neill announced as he gave the hand signal for the team to move forward.
As the group walked away, the Joker, giggling like Homer Simpson, did a little dance.