Chapter 22 – all you can do

"What the fuck is she doing here Alex!" Piper's anger immediately bubbled over as she stormed towards Emily.

"I invited her over, it's okay Pipes." Alex's immediate instinct was to grab Piper's arm, but the blonde shook her off immediately.

"I was pretty much done anyway, sorry." With that, Emily got up and left the apartment without looking either girl in the face.

"What the fuck Alex! Why the hell did you invite her over when there's no one else here?"

"I just needed to talk to her okay, I needed the facts. It's just something I had to do on my own." Alex knew Piper had every right to be mad, but she really did feel like she needed to talk with Emily on her own. Sure, she was strange, but Alex didn't believe she was in danger by being alone with Emily.

Piper tried to calm down, but she wasn't done being mad at Alex, "I don't trust her Alex! I don't want you being alone with her."

"She's not gonna kill me Pipes, she's just messed up, I can handle her."

Piper was so frustrated with Alex in that moment, she just didn't get it, didn't understand how afraid Piper was of something happening to Alex. "She's fucking crazy Alex! And you have no way of knowing what she will do to you." Piper's mind was overrun with so many different images, all of Alex, but none of them good. "Anything to do with Robbie, it…..fuck, I'm scared of something happening to you." Alex saw the tears building up in Piper's eyes and didn't hesitate in wrapping her arms around the blonde.

Piper let herself cry into Alex's shoulder, but she wasn't even really sure why she was crying. Nothing bad had happened, and she knew Alex was perfectly capable of protecting herself against Emily. But Piper still couldn't shake that fear, she tried so hard and now her emotions were spilling over. She'd seen Alex hurt so many times, both physically and emotionally, and Piper was so afraid of it happening again. She knew she trusted Alex, but she wanted to be the one to keep her safe, from others and herself. It was something she'd need to learn to deal with better, she couldn't be with Alex all the time. But Piper knew she wasn't the only one struggling with it, Diane also struggled to shake that particular fear.

"Look, Emily said she'd provide a statement for the police, that's a major positive. I promise you Pipes, I won't see her alone again. I just felt like I needed to be doing something useful today."

Piper couldn't shake her own anxiety but she didn't want to turn this into a fight. She accepted Alex's words as the two went on with the rest of their day.

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The weeks rolled on until the court proceedings finally started in November, which was earlier than expected. The public prosecutions office spent a lot of time working with the police and believed they had a good chance of getting a conviction. Robbie was pleading not guilty, forcing Alex to sit through a longer court process. She had mentally prepared herself for this, and had spent a lot of time talking with the police and public prosecutors. Alex was terrified of how she would cope with it all, and spent most of her time with Kerry talking about coping mechanisms. Her biggest fear was losing self control and doing something to upset Piper, she always tried to be open and honest about her feelings but it was still a struggle. Some days were better than others, and Alex tried her hardest to not shut Piper out but it wasn't always that straight forward. There were still fights, dreams and panic attacks. Piper eventually convinced Alex to let her help pay for weekly sessions with Kerry, which were definitely helping. But the closer it got to Robbie and Alex speaking in court, the more anxious Alex became.

It was the usual parade of lawyers and witnesses including the police and paramedics that attended to Alex on the two separate occasions she was openly attacked by Robbie. Alex sat through most of it, forcing herself to listen and not fall apart. Even though Emily didn't testify due to mental health issues, the police did provide a copy of her statement, which detailed the abuse she suffered because of Robbie, including the abortion. Proof that the abortion was in fact real was also provided by the clinic, although they couldn't prove who the father was. Robbie's ex, and Emily's mum, wasn't present for any of the court dates and refused to provide any statements to the police.

With each passing day, Robbie's lawyers continued to build their case, stating that Robbie truly believed his interactions with Alex were consensual. Their case also relied on statements from a psychiatrist stating that Robbie suffered from multiple mental health conditions, which made it difficult for him to properly understand human interactions. This was meant to help strengthen their case that Robbie believed he'd done nothing wrong. Alex was completely numb as she sat and listened to those testimonies, it was taking its toll on her. But she tried to be conscious of the fact that it was also taking its toll on Piper and Diane, who took turns looking after Lucy while the other accompanied Alex to the court sessions. This went on for a week before Alex was forced to face the part she was most afraid of, her own testimony. She would go first, then Robbie. The idea of sitting through both of those scenarios made her feel sick to her stomach.

Kerry was worried about Alex opening herself up to questioning from Robbie's legal team. Even though Alex was slowly getting better, there was still a long way to go. Kerry's primary concern was how Alex would cope with being questioned in the court room like that. It would be an incredibly intense situation, putting Alex under a huge amount of pressure. Kerry was also worried about how Alex would cope with the line of questioning around the sexual assaults, which was something Alex still struggled with. But Alex was determined to go ahead with it, she felt like she had to defend herself, had to take the opportunity to speak for herself. The police and public prosecutors office were worried about Alex testifying, but she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't do it.

Alex had no idea how she would cope with the questioning. She knew she wanted to be strong and not let it break her, but deep down she couldn't guarantee that. Even though on the whole she was getting better, and she was learning to deal with her emotions, she still had bad days, and she didn't even know why. Alex tried to be as open with Piper as possible, but it was still an ongoing battle. It wasn't easy to admit to your girlfriend that some days it took all your energy to just crawl out of bed. That some days she couldn't stop the thoughts racing through her head of everything Robbie did to her, and the anxiety that followed. None of it was easy, and even though she would probably always have bad days, Alex had built up the resilience to always keep trying.

Alex had even gone as far as making Nicky promise to never give her drugs, no matter how much she might beg. That was a difficult conversation to have, and one that Alex and Nicky had alone. Alex hated it, but she wasn't so naïve as to believe she would never ask Nicky for drugs again. Having to admit that to herself really hurt, it made her feel like she was letting Piper down, but her addiction still had a strong hold on her, maybe it always would. It was something Alex had relied on heavily in the past to get through life, and it would be something she would always struggle with for the rest of her days. All Alex could do was acknowledge her downfalls and try to keep it together.

Piper and Diane were obviously huge drivers for Alex to work so hard at bettering herself, but Lucy was probably the biggest driver. Alex had always felt such a strong sense of responsibility when it came to Lucy, like she was the one who should be looking after her and protecting her at all times. It was probably because of all the time they spent alone together growing up. Alex didn't blame her mum for any of that, Diane worked long hours so she could provide them with a home, not because she wanted to. Diane never got support from anyone in her life, she always did it alone. Alex had no idea how her mum got through so much on her own and came out the other side in one piece. It was just one of the reasons Alex loved Diane as much as she did, aside from the fact that Diane was always there for her daughters.

But if Alex was being totally honest with herself, it was Piper that made her want to make the initial changes to her life, to realise that her way of dealing with things was not sustainable. Alex felt like she owed so much to the women in her life, she needed to try as hard as she fucking could to get better.

The day finally arrived, and Alex found herself sitting at the front of the court room, which was thankfully closed to the public. Given the sensitive nature of the case, it was also agreed that Robbie would not be present in the court room during Alex's testimony. The prosecution had already spoken to her, asking the basic questions to confirm that Robbie was abusive on multiple occasions and there was never anything remotely representing a consensual relationship. This included drawing on Emily's statement, which in many ways paralleled Alex's experience, especially highlighting Robbie's issues with homosexuality. But now it was time for Alex to face Robbie's lawyer, once again she felt numb. The silence was deafening, all Alex could hear was a ringing in her ears. She could feel the sweat in her hair and her heat beating in her chest. Alex focussed on Piper, who was one of the few people sitting in the room, while Diane was at home with Lucy. Alex kept reminding herself to just focus on Piper, her smile, her eyes, anything to get her through the next round of questions.

Robbie's lawyer stood in front of Alex in his navy suit and white shirt. He didn't look much older than 40 and Alex decided he probably hadn't been forced to struggle much through life. "Ms Vause, please explain your relationship with Robert Green."

Alex kept reminding herself of the advice from the police, keep all answers simple and quick. "He was my mum's boyfriend."

"And how long were they together?"

"Ummm, they dated for about 6 months before he moved in with us. Then he lived with us for about another 6 months."

"And it wasn't just you and your mother in the house, you have a younger sister?"

"Yeah, she's 10." The sudden mention of Lucy made Alex very uncomfortable, but she tried to not let it show.

"And Mr Green helped look after both you and your sister, is that correct?" The lawyer kept pacing the room in front of her as he methodically asked his sequence of questions.

"Yeah."

"Not only did he help take care of you both, he always gave your mother a considerable amount of money to help pay the bills."

"I guess."

"In fact, your mother struggled a lot financially. It seems there were many times growing up when you spent time in shelters. Seems the inclusion of Mr Green in your lives gave a lot more security to you all than you had in the past."

Alex didn't say anything, and just looked the defence lawyer in the eye. She hated the suggestion that Diane couldn't look after them properly on her own, but she knew she had to bite her tongue.

"So your mother obviously trusted Mr Green and he went to a lot of effort to help care for you and your sister. It also seems that you would have spent a lot of time together, and gotten quite close."

"I wouldn't say that."

"You claim that Mr Green assaulted you several times over the course of many months, but you never said anything about it to your mother. There's also no record of any of these assaults, literally no evidence they took place. I understand you had a difficult relationship with your biological father, which lead to a drug overdose, is that correct Ms Vause?"

"It's not that simple," Alex was interrupted before she could say anything more.

"Just a simple yes or no please Ms Vause. You had issues with your biological father which resulted in a drug overdose?"

Alex could feel herself sweating and getting angry, but tried to hold it together, "yes."

"And your younger sister, she has a different father, correct?"

"Yes."

"So throughout your entire life you've had no father figure, and when you found your father he didn't really want to know you. So it seems very reasonable for you to develop a close relationship with Mr Green."

Again, Alex said nothing. She clenched her jaw to try and hold in her anger, finally tasting the smallest amount of blood in her mouth as she bit her bottom lip hard.

"You're a young girl, finally living in the same house as a positive male role model, it's only natural that you'd develop feelings for Mr Green."

"I never had feelings for him! I'm gay, something that he took issue with."

"Well it seems that after you established the initial relationship with Mr Green, you became interested in someone else, Piper Chapman."

"I was never interested in Robbie! It was always Piper."

"Well Ms Vause, surely you can appreciate there are some holes in your story. No record or evidence of Mr Green ever abusing you, and the relationship became difficult once you developed feelings for Ms Chapman."

Alex started to feel dizzy, her heart was pounding and she was struggling to focus. She tried to just focus on her breathing, she couldn't believe what this asshole was suggesting. "He put me in the fucking hospital! He attacked me twice!"

"AFTER you started sleeping with Ms Chapman, Mr Green doesn't deny those two physical altercations took place."

At this point Alex zoned out, she couldn't listen anymore, she felt like a zombie for the rest of her time being questioned. Robbie's lawyer just kept talking about how Alex and Robbie were together until Alex became interested in Piper, which led to the physical altercations. Alex couldn't concentrate, she couldn't even remember what other questions Robbie's lawyer asked her or what she said.

Alex lost track of Piper and couldn't bring herself to look her girlfriend in the eye, she felt ashamed. Once the testimony was finished the police and prosecutor tried to get Alex to speak with them but she just couldn't, all she could do was take Piper's hand and walk out of the court house. Piper gave the others a sympathetic look as Alex pulled her along, saying she'd call them later. It would be another couple of days before they needed to be back in court, which Piper was incredibly grateful for. Alex needed time to deal with what just happened. They got to the car, and Piper let Alex into the passenger seat before she sat herself behind the wheel. As soon as Piper closed her door she looked over at Alex, who was obviously trying to keep her breathing steady, running her hands through her sweaty dark hair.

Piper leaned over and placed her hand on Alex's leg, "tell me what you need Al." Piper knew she needed to stay calm, all she wanted to do was support Alex and help her get through the rest of the day.

Eventually, Alex responded, "I'm not ready to go home, let's go to Nicky's." Piper was worried about going to Nicky's, but she wasn't going to say no. Piper called ahead and made sure Nicky was home before driving to her place. They parked the car outside Nicky's 20 minutes later, "Al, I'm here for you okay, you were amazing today. Don't let this beat you today." Piper looked Alex in the eyes as she spoke, but she could see that Alex had switched off, which scared the hell out of Piper. She knew that Alex only ever switched off as a last resort, and today had been incredibly difficult for her. The suggestion that she'd had a relationship with Robbie, and dragging both her and Lucy's father's into the equation was almost too much for Alex. It was especially the suggestion that Diane couldn't take care of them properly that cut Alex deeply. For so long, Diane was the only parent Alex ever had, and she loved her more than she could ever express. All of these things combined to put Alex under a completely new type of pressure, so it wasn't surprising she was struggling to process it all.

Nicky welcomed them into her apartment, inviting them to sit in the lounge room and have a few beers. Nicky knew better than to ask about the court case, and tried to keep the mood light. Alex tried to laugh along, but it felt completely hollow. She had managed to calm down her exterior, but she still felt that nagging pain in her chest. She kept a tight hold on Piper's hand the whole time they were at Nicky's, but she was starting to feel lost. Alex excused herself and went to the bathroom, she put the toilet lid down and sat there, trying to work out how to pull it together. She had a thumping headache and started searching through the bathroom drawers for painkillers. As soon as she opened the top drawer she saw a familiar sight, Nicky's pocket knife. It wasn't heroin, but it was still something that held a certain temptation for Alex, something she wanted. Without even thinking she took the knife from the drawer and sat back down on the toilet. She flicked out the blade and stared at it, let herself be tempted by it. She let herself imagine how it could make her feel better, help to get rid of that lost feeling. Alex pulled up her sleeve and looked down at her arm, what she saw was perfect pale skin. She started slowly running the knife up and down her arm, without pushing hard enough to break the skin. She closed her eyes, slowly leaning her head against the wall, desperately wanting to feel better but not sure how to get there.

She could hear Piper and Nicky laughing from the lounge room, completely changing her train of thought. Now when Alex closed her eyes, all she could see was Piper. It was the first time they met on the street late at night, their first kiss, and every moment that followed. There were so many times when Piper could have left, but she didn't, she always stayed. Alex knew that Piper loved her, and Alex loved her back, more than she thought she could ever love someone. Not only that, Alex remembered how much she wanted to make Piper happy. She kept leaning her head against the wall as she took some deep breaths and put the knife back in the top drawer. Alex was scared by how close she'd come to doing something so stupid, but she tried to focus on the fact that she stopped herself. Alex went back to the lounge room to sit with Nicky and Piper.

Nicky was worried about Alex and could sense her friend was struggling, "You okay Vause?"

"Yeah, all good Nick." Alex sat down next to Piper, putting an arm around her shoulders as she tried to focus on the positive things in her life.

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It was nearly 7pm by the time Alex and Piper got home, finding Lucy and Diane sitting at the kitchen table eating toasted sandwiches for dinner. Diane was incredibly relieved to see them walk through the door, she had been worried all day about how Alex would cope with being questioned. As soon as Alex walked into the kitchen Diane stood up and pulled Alex into a tight hug, gently rubbing her back. Alex felt herself getting emotional, but didn't want to get upset in front of Lucy. It was as though Diane's presence, her touch, always made Alex feel at ease.

"Are you okay sweetie?" said Diane as she pulled back to look Alex in the face. Diane could see how tired Alex was, but she seemed to be doing okay.

Alex whispered her response into Diane's ear, "I wasn't sure at first, but I am now." Diane kissed Alex on the cheek and led her into the lounge so they could talk more. Piper sat down with Lucy and talked about school and homework.

Diane sat Alex on the couch, never letting go of her hand, "how did it go?"

"It was really hard mum, really hard. I did my best, but fuck, I dunno. I couldn't even think straight by the end of it, I couldn't concentrate, I just switched off."

Diane hugged Alex again, "I'm proud of you baby, you stood your ground today." Diane kept brushing Alex's long hair out of her eyes, "and it's okay to struggle sometimes Ally, that doesn't make you weak."

Alex nodded and leaned into her mum, letting her head rest against Diane's chest. Alex listened to Diane's heart beat and let herself relax into her mum. "We'll talk about what happened tomorrow okay. Tonight, let's get you some dinner and just have a good time. Lucy's been waiting to see you all day!"

This made Alex smile, and the two women made their way back to the kitchen where Lucy and Piper were already deep in conversation. Today had been difficult, but Alex just had to remind herself that she survived, that's all anyone could ever do.

A/N

Hey folks,

Apologies for the delay with this chapter, it wasn't my intention for it to take this long. Going forward, I will try to keep my updates to 1-2 per week to keep things moving along at a nice pace.

It would be great to get feedback from you on how you feel the court stuff is playing out. FYI – I have broadly based this on the Australian court system as I have no idea how the American system works.

All reviews welcome and appreciated.

Cheers.