Chapter 23 – it's almost over
Alex and Diane joined Piper and Lucy back in the kitchen. Alex was determined to try and relax before she had to go back to court in a couple more days. When she went back she'd be forced to listen to Robbie's testimony, then it would all be up to the judge. As soon as Alex sat in a kitchen chair, Lucy moved to sit in her lap, "maybe if you aren't working tomorrow I could stay home from school? We could spend the whole day together." Alex had taken some time off from the café to help her cope with the trial, and she loved the idea of spending the day with Lucy.
Lucy looked over to Diane, silently pleading to stay home from school. Diane would have ordinarily said no, but she thought it would be good for both of them, so she gave in and said yes. Lucy couldn't wipe the smile from her face, "so what should we do Ally?"
"Whatever you want kid. How about you Pipes? What are your plans for tomorrow?"
"I'm at the library in the morning and then meeting with my publisher, we're so close to running a first print! I know it's only a boutique publishing house but I'm so excited!"
"That's amazing babe," Alex leaned over and kissed Piper on the lips, she was genuinely proud of her. Despite everything that was going on in their lives, Piper still managed to write a book that would actually be published. It would initially just hit the local independent stores but still, it was a big deal. It was one of the positive things happening in their lives, making it something Alex wanted to focus on and celebrate. She wanted to do something special for Piper to let her know that they were all proud of her. Alex didn't even know if Piper told her dad about the book, Bill hadn't spoken to Piper much lately, presumably he was under the watchful eye of Carol.
Alex felt like getting out of the house, so she took Lucy for a walk around the corner to get an ice cream, leaving Diane and Piper at home together. Diane didn't waste time in taking the opportunity to ask Piper how Alex went in court, "be honest with me sweetie, how did Alex go today?"
"She was okay, she actually coped with it better than I thought she would. I….I got a bit worried at the end but after we spent some time at Nicky's she seemed to feel better."
"And how about you? I know none of this has been easy on you Piper."
Piper didn't even know how to answer that question, she'd focussed so much on Alex that she had no idea how she was feeling. She tried to slow down her mind and think about it, "I don't even know. I guess…I've just been thinking about Alex. This whole time I've been scared about how she'd deal with it all. I just want this all behind us, I want life to go back to normal so we can all just start living our lives again."
"I know you worry about Alex sweetie but don't forget to take care of yourself. This has been rough on you, you two need to be strong for each other."
0-0-0-0-0
The day had come and Alex found herself sitting in the court room again with Piper, but at least this time she wouldn't be the one doing the talking. Piper had spoken to Diane about which one of them would go with Alex and they decided Piper would go. This was an outcome Piper pushed for, not because she didn't think Diane would be able to keep Alex calm, but because Piper was worried about how Diane would react to seeing Robbie again. Diane had still never told Piper or Alex what happened between her and Robbie when they were in the bedroom together the night he was arrested. Piper knew Alex had asked Diane multiple times but never had any luck getting the older woman to open up. Diane seemed to be holding it together, but Piper was still worried about how she would cope seeing Robbie again and listening to him speak about Alex. Alex didn't seem to mind who went with her to court, she just didn't want to be alone. The brunette had been trying to regain her old tough exterior, which seemed to work for her sometimes. But still, every night when they got into bed, Alex laid her head on Piper's chest and let the blonde gently stroke her cheek until she fell asleep. Every time Alex had a bad dream, she let Piper comfort her until she calmed down. It had taken Alex a long time to separate being tough from showing vulnerability, it was something that Piper had been able to teach her.
As soon as Robbie sat at the front of the court room he locked eyes with Alex, and the two found themselves in an emotionless visual exchange. Robbie still had hatred in his eyes for Alex, but there was no way Alex would be the first one to look away. She was determined to put up a tough exterior in front of him. She would never let him know just how much he had managed to hurt her, Alex never wanted him to have that satisfaction. Most of his testimony was no surprise to Alex or Piper, he simply reinforced the story that had already been told about the supposed relationship between himself and Alex. Then the question of Alex's sexuality was raised, "Mr Green, Alex Vause claims you hate homosexuals, which led to you abusing her. But in actual fact, your own daughter is gay, isn't she?"
Robbie put on his best caring dad impersonation, "she is, and I still love my daughter, I could never turn her away because of something she can't control."
"But what about the statement she provided to the police?"
"Things went badly between myself and Emily's mother, I'll never forgive myself for that. Her mother turned Emily against me, she never wanted to see me after the divorce, but I still think about her every day, I love my daughter."
"Thank you Mr Green. Now, could you describe Alex's own behaviour after you started living with the Vause family?"
"Diane loved her kids but she could never control Alex, she was always getting into trouble, always trying to bring girls home for sex. I didn't want her younger sister to be exposed to that sort of thing, I was worried about her safety. Alex was bringing home girls constantly, who knows if any of them tried to do anything to Lucy. I helped pay the bills so Diane could be home more to try and get through to Alex, but it was impossible."
Alex squeezed Piper's hand and felt an instant pain in her temple. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, she never brought random girls home to the apartment, ever. She would never do anything to put Lucy in danger. She put herself in harms way to make sure that Robbie never got his hands on Lucy. And now he had the guts to sit there and say that she put her little sister in danger, that she would have let something like that happen to Lucy. It was hard to listen to, but still, Alex never lost eye contact with that monster. She had trouble concentrating on the rest of his testimony, it was a blur for her. She caught snippets about how she had come onto Robbie and he regretfully accepted her sexual advances. He claimed that she was infuriated when he tried to end the relationship for Diane's sake, and spoke about how Alex then decided she wanted to sleep with Piper. It all made Alex sound like she was the monster, like she was the sexual deviant. She was once again thankful that they managed to secure a closed courtroom. Everyone in their neighbourhood already thought she was worthless, they would have a field day if they heard any of the conversations happening in court.
Both girls were relieved when the prosecution had their turn for questioning, putting holes in his story based on evidence from Emily, as well as Alex's injuries.
"I felt horrible for what I did to Alex, she didn't deserve it, she just made me lose my mind."
That fucking bastard, Alex forced herself to zone out again, she didn't want to hear anymore. By the time the session was finished she felt dirty, like Robbie was somehow getting into her own head and convincing her that she was disgusting, a waste of space. Just like she did two days earlier, Alex pulled Piper from the court room and dragged her down the street. They eventually walked into a small café and Piper ordered them two coffees.
"Please Al, talk to me."
Alex tried to remain emotionless, she wasn't willing to break down in public again, she just wanted something to numb her emotions, make it impossible for her to think. All Alex wanted, all she could think of in that moment was heroin, she couldn't help it. She couldn't even be bothered hiding it from Piper, she needed a release. Alex looked across the table, looked her girlfriend in the eyes. These past few weeks Piper always looked worried, and Alex hated it. Piper could have anyone she wanted, but she somehow ended up with Alex. "I can't lie to you Pipes, all I can think about right now is heroin. If I had some right now, I'd take it and I wouldn't even hesitate. I'm sorry, you deserve better than that, but it's the truth." But that wasn't all. The first thing Alex wanted to do was get high, then she just kept fantasising about what she'd do with that pocket knife. She'd never kill herself, but at the same time she wanted to hurt herself. It didn't really make sense to her, but she couldn't be bothered fighting her feelings anymore, not after today.
"It's been a really tough day Alex, it's normal for you to feel like that. Please just keep trying, tell me how to help." Piper was now scared, but she figured it was a good thing that Alex had at least told her how she was feeling. All this time Piper nagged Alex to be honest with her, no matter what was going on. But now, when she was faced with the reality of what was going through Alex's head, she wasn't sure how to handle it. Surprisingly, it was the first time Piper truly felt like she was in over her head in this relationship. Things had gotten better for a while, now life had become so difficult again. It was wearing her down, she loved Alex so much but at the same time, sometimes lately she found herself wanting her quiet life back. Piper wasn't only scared of what Alex was feeling, she was scared of what she herself was thinking. She just kept trying to remind herself about all the great things in her new life, how much she loved Alex, and how sweet Lucy was, how much she loved hanging out with Diane. But it had all started to wear Piper down, she started wanting a break of her own, but she didn't want to tell that to Alex.
The two girls sat in the booth long after they'd finished their coffees, with Piper absentmindedly holding Alex's hand. Piper had never felt so torn in her entire life, part of her wanted to look after Alex while another part just wanted to run away. Eventually, Piper led Alex out of the booth and drove them both home, Diane was working and Lucy was at school. Both girls went into their room, Alex took off her boots and sat on the edge of the bed. Piper could see her girlfriend had completely shut down, she started thinking maybe it was best if she left Alex alone for a few hours.
"What can I do Al?" Piper brushed Alex's long hair from her face, she didn't even look sad anymore, her eyes were completely empty.
Alex looked up at her girlfriend and uttered a single word, "nothing." Alex lay down on the bed and closed her eyes.
Piper looked down at Alex and thought that this was a good opportunity to clear her own head, maybe do some writing, or even just go for a drive on her own. "Why don't I let you sleep for a few hours, I might go do some writing okay, call me if you need anything."
Alex felt a strike of terror run through her chest, the last thing she wanted was to be alone, but she wasn't willing to say that to Piper. Fuck, she wanted to be able to stand on her own two feet and not have Piper feel like she needed babysitting. Alex told her it was fine, gave her a kiss, and watched the blonde walk out of the bedroom and the apartment. Alex didn't realise how tired she was until she took off her jeans and got into bed. She closed her eyes as soon as her head hit the pillow and welcomed sleep.
0-0-0-0-0
Two hours had passed and Alex was still sleeping, but her mind was in over drive, she couldn't stop thinking about the way Robbie spoke about her. Eventually her mind turned to vivid dreams, dreams of herself and Robbie in every possible scenario imaginable. Sometimes he was on top of her, sometimes he was cutting her, other times they were just talking. Eventually, Alex woke up completely startled, her hair sweaty and sticking to her face. She realised her palms hurt, she looked at her hands and noticed she had dug her own nails into her palms while she was sleeping. She didn't even feel like she was going to have an anxiety attack, she felt lost and out of control. She reached out for Piper before she realised her girlfriend wasn't there. Alex could tell that Piper needed alone time, she was probably starting to get sick of the situation, of having a girlfriend that constantly needed her help as the whole court process dragged out. Alex had completely underestimated how hard it would be, it made her angry. She felt like she was doing well before the trial started and now she was back to square one. Her thoughts became more and more irrational, she couldn't stop fidgeting, couldn't stop shaking. She knew Nicky wouldn't give her anything after Alex made her promise not to. But there was one person that would probably help her out, Alex took out her phone and let her finger hover over the name on the screen – Emily.
Before Alex could dial the number she heard the front door swing open followed by the sound of her mum's familiar and comforting voice, "Alex, Piper, you guys home?" Alex couldn't tell if she was happy or angry that Diane had interrupted her actions, there was no doubt that if her mum hadn't gotten home at that exact moment, Alex would have called Emily and asked for heroin. It just made Alex feel defeated, and she couldn't be bothered answering Diane's call. Alex let herself slide down the side of her bed until she was sitting on the floor in her boxers and t-shirt. It wasn't long before Diane walked into the room, she saw Alex sitting on the floor alone and not looking well.
Diane sat on the floor next to her daughter, "Ally, are you okay?"
Again, Alex just sat there in silence, nothing she could say would make Diane feel good, so she chose silence instead. Piper already couldn't be bothered with her anymore, Diane might as well follow suit.
"Baby, tell me what happened." Diane put her arm around Alex's shoulders and looked her in the eye, "please tell me if you've taken anything."
Alex let her head rest on Diane's shoulder, "no."
Diane believed her, but there was clearly something very wrong. Diane moved and placed her hands on Alex's cheeks, trying to get through to her daughter, who looked like she was a million miles away, "you're scaring me baby, tell me what happened today."
Alex just screwed her face up and shook her head, she couldn't bring herself to talk about it, not yet.
Diane moved the sweaty hair out of Alex's face, "where's Piper?"
"She had to go."
This didn't seem right to Diane, something had obviously happened but Alex was in no state to talk about it. "Okay. Well, I got another hour before Lucy finishes school. Let's get you in the shower, it might make you feel better."
Diane tried to get Alex to stand up but it was useless, the last thing Alex wanted right now was to feel better. All she wanted to do was sit on the floor and wallow in self-pity, but she didn't want to worry Diane, she knew she owed her some sort of explanation.
"Please Ally, you gotta talk to me baby."
Alex looked Diane dead in the eye as she spoke, her eyes dark and completely void, "I think everyone's right mum, I am a fuck up. I was gonna try and find some drugs when you walked in, there's no point lying about it to you. No fucking point pretending to be something I'm not, I'm nothing mum, I don't know how to get through this. I'm no good for Lucy, she deserves better than me."
"Don't you fucking dare say that Alex, don't you fucking fall in a heap now! I know this is all wrapped up in what happened today, but if you don't tell me anything then I can't help you."
Alex was surprised at herself as she pushed Diane off her and spoke back, her voice laced with anger, "you don't tell me anything either! You never fucking told me when Emily's mum contacted you and you've never told me what Robbie said to you when you were both alone that night he got arrested!"
Diane was taken aback, Alex almost never spoke to her like that, but she couldn't blame her. Diane spent a lot of her own time running away from her problems, but she wanted to at least try and be a better example for her daughters. She reached out to Alex and tried to calm her down, but Alex just kept pushing her away, "okay Ally, okay, you're right. Please don't hate me, all I ever wanted to do was protect you, maybe I went about it the wrong way. Sit down, and I'll tell you what happened."
Alex was breathing heavily by this point, she was agitated and resisted the urge to run out of the apartment. She sat on the bed and waited for Diane to speak, "He came into the room and sat next to me on the bed. I asked if he'd hurt you, of course he said you were fine. It was mostly silent, he just kept telling me that he loved me. He kept saying that he wanted to come back and look after me, but I said no. I said that I could never love him again after what he did to you, that you and Lucy are everything to me. That's when he just went quiet, just didn't say anything. I think he was sad, and I was just scared about what he'd done to you. Baby all I wanted to do was go check on you, and then you walked in and….I saw your face." Diane's voice was quivering and Alex immediately got up and hugged her mum, she wrapped her arms around Diane so tightly, she never wanted to let go.
"I'm sorry mum, I'm such a fucking asshole."
"No baby, you're not, you're just trying to survive."