It's Been A While Since We Last Spoke

Chapter 18

Demi's POV

2 weeks later… (20th April)

"Why can't you talk about it to him?" Dallas asks.

She was nagging at me down the telephone to tell Nick about my experience in treatment.

"Because I'm not ready to!"

"What Demi, that doesn't make any sense. Don't you think it would actually be easier to tell him than to bottle it up? I mean sure, you're being more honest with him, but you're still not telling him everything. You need to take that leap, he's your best friend."

"Well yeah…and erm, he is also my er, well er,… my…"

"Boyfriend?"

I frown, "How did you know?"

I hear her snort. "Oh come on… you really think you could have got away with keeping it from me? i figured it out instantly."

"Damn it Dallas, why do you have to know me so well?"

"Because… I'm your big sis, and I'm supposed to protect you. But I guess it's Nick job now too. And if he doesn't protect you, I will shove my boot up his ass."

I can't help but chuckle at the idea. It would be a rather funny, but unpleasant sight.

"He'll look after me, and I'll look after him."

"Strangely, for the first time… I'm going to trust you on this one."

"Thanks for that."

"What? Do you really think I was going to trust any of the douchebags you've dated? Hell to the no. I didn't even trust Wilmer."

"Why have you changed with Nick? He could be a douchebag… I mean Joe is his brother."

Dallas chuckles, "Well… let's just say, Nick looks at you differently to the other guys. He doesn't look at you like a big stack of beef burgers."

"How does he look at me?"

"Like you're the most precious diamond he's ever seen… and he has to buy it."

"Oh shush, that's bull."

"Is it? Come on Dem, he's crazy about you."

"Yeah yeah so I've been told. And I think he's crazy for that."

"Well you would. You can't accept that someone actually has fallen for you."

"I know. I can't even accept myself falling for someone."

"Well, that's the first step to this relationship. Not being afraid to fall."

"What's after that?"

"Accept Nick falling for you."

"Then?"

Dallas chuckles, "Well…. making babies and getting married."

"Ha-ha, very funny."

"Well, don't you want that?"

"I don't know… it's too early in the relationship to decide."

"Oh come on! You've been friends with this guy for like what? 6 years? You know him too well to be reluctant about that."

"It's not that I don't trust Nick… I KNOW he'd be a good husband and father, but not me. I don't trust me."

"Well fucking trust yourself goddamnit! Stop being afraid and start being brave."

"Okay okay! Jeesh."

"So… are you going to tell him about treatment? And more importantly, are you going to tell him how you feel?"

"Well, I kinda have… but not fully."

"What did you say?"

"Well I told him how when he was dating Miley, I dated Cody for a little bit to get my mind off of him. Then I told him that Joe was because of him dating Selena… and all that. Then I told him some other stuff that was kind of embarrassing…"

Dallas is laughing again, "Hahaha oh god… you told him you get sexually frustrated over him?"

"Yeah…. really dumb I know."

"Nah it's fine, he's probably really happy about that."

"Would he be?"

"Of course! I mean, what did he tell you?"

"That he's loved me for a long time, and how he dated Selena to get his mind off of me… and how he possibly liked me during the break up with Miley, and the start of his relationship with Selena. Then he went on to say he cared about me a lot and.. well, how he got flustered about me too."

"See! Exactly! He wants you Dem… he wants you goooood."

"Shut up Dallas. You don't know nothing."

She then starts making stupid fake sex noises… "Urgh oh Nick… ugh right there yeah. Ohhh… oh yes."

"Dallas seriously, you're not funny."

"Oh come on… you're telling me you don't want that? You don't want to have a little bit of him? I mean if you weren't with him, I certainly would. Don't tell him this, but I do think he's a very attractive man."

I can't help but laugh, the idea of my sister flirting with Nick.

"Oh god Dallas… control your hormones."

"And get yours out of the nunnery!"

I gasp, "Just because I'm still a virgin doesn't mean I'm some prude!"

"Will you stop getting pissy? You know I'm kidding."

If I was talking to her faced to faced, I would stuck my tongue out at her.

"Fine fine fine…"

"Now, be honest with yourself. Do you want to have sex with Nick?"

I sigh… and I eventually reply meekly. "Yes fine yes… I do."

"Finally, you admit it. BUT I'm not saying you have to rush it. I know he won't force you… so just let him know when you feel you want to. Because it is probably a bit too early at this point."

"Right, gotcha. Thanks Dallas."

"It's what I'm here for… sadly."

"Yeah well… I'm not so happy with you either."

She then mimics what I say with a silly voice and puts the phone down.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have an annoying older sister… but at the same time, I couldn't have had anyone better.

I haven't seen Nick in a week… but I'm busy doing a couple of gigs in South America which I have been pretty excited about. Nick has gone to play baseball with his brothers, even though he kept saying he wanted to be with me in Peru. I told him no though, I wanted him to know that I'm not dependent anymore, and that I can look after myself. I think he just wanted to support me though. But maybe Dallas was right, I really needed to tell him everything. He needs to know that I'm far better than I was, at that things have changed a lot since treatment. I think if I don't tell him, he will still treat me like a fragile china doll that needs to be taken care of. But I'm not like that now.

I'm on the aeroplane now, and I look outside my tiny window. I see that we're very close to landing. Everything looks so beautiful up here, so enchanting. I always forget how everything looks so strange when you're up in the air, looking down at how tiny it all is. I'm sitting next to one of my back up singers Sierra. She's become a fairly close friend of mine, who I do sometimes see when I'm off tour and I don't have tons planned. She's great, and I sometimes talk to her personal things… but mainly it's just business.

I can't wait to see all my fans… all their pretty little faces.

I hear the screaming of fans echoing around the arena.

I hear them shouting out my name, ecstatic to see me.

I can't help but smile… the feel of getting on stage once more was surreal, but one of the most amazing feelings.

It still amazes me sometimes when I hear them all screaming, crazy that it's all for me.

I still have to get it in my head every now and then that people do truly love me, and see me as an inspiration.

That feeling… is so beyond words. It's indescribable how much I've changed people's lives.

But I'm glad I have. That's what I want to do. I want to help people. This is why I make music.

I know how those girls and boys have felt… with the pain and suffering they've had to go through. I've always felt that somehow, I can reach them with my music, make them feel they're not alone when it comes to feeling depressed and miserable. I hope that the issues I have gone through, can somehow help someone deal with theirs.

So coming up onto the stage was like being with my family, my big family of Lovatics.

I wouldn't change my life at all. It might have had it's tough times… but it's all in the matter of making me stronger. Maybe one thing I would change is this constant feel of being fat, this eating disorder that I've grown up with. If I could have one day where I didn't care how much I weighed or how many calories I had, then I'd probably be content. Everything else though, I am very thankful for. I'm thankful for those who have helped with this daily battle, I'm thankful for my friends and family, I'm thankful for Nick. Plus all my fans and how I've got plenty to live on. I shall remain forever grateful.

So here I am, on the up lift panel that brings me up to the top of the stage… the one that I have stepped on many times before.

I hear the cheers get even louder, when I finally pop up in front of the crowd. I can see them all just very slightly at this top, but once I get down the steps then they'll definitely see me.

I step off the panel and All Night Long begins to play. My two backup singers appear, along with the band and back up dancers. The screams that were minor now become far stronger and I find myself strutting down the stairs to the song, moving my hips round and round. Somehow I feel superior on this stage, like being up here is a way of fighting those demons inside my head.

"I love the way you're talking,

I'm loving what you're doing boy.

I don't fall easily often,

I've never had a love like you before.

I like you put your number put your number in my phone phone phone phone phone phone phone yeah…

you heard me right so call me call me when you're all alone alone alone alone alone alone alone...

Don't make plans!

Come along with me we'll stay up all night long

I want you in I want you bad!

Let's get the party going all night long

let's get the party going all night long, all night long, all night long, all night all night

all night long, all night long, all night all night a-a-a-all night…"

"Hey guys…

I'm finishing up now, and I just wanna say…

that I'm really happy to be able to share this intimate night with you all…

because I love coming out here, and singing to you guys.

I know that a lot of you, will have gone through a lot of pain…

and I just want to let you know that… you are not alone.

If you have problems that you can't deal with, please tell someone.

I made the mistake of bottling things up, and that's how I broke down.

Talking about things may seem hard, but they really help in the long run.

I really hope that music can be there with you, because I'm here with you.

Even when I'm not there, just remember this time we've had tonight…

and remember whenever you put my music on, that I'm always in your hearts.

I care for every single one of you, and my plan is to get you guys all together as one.

Stay Strong guys, and I love you all goodnight."

I stand up from the piano where I had just played Skyscraper, and I turn around whilst halfway up the stairs to face my fans one last time before I go backstage. I wave to all of them as much as I can, and I give them floating kisses. I make sure I give them a wide smile, to show that I really am genuinely happy to see every single one of them. I keep waving, and then after about a minute or two, I turn back round and run up the stairs. I'm proud of myself that throughout this whole concert I did not once trip.

I step back up on the panel, and I get brought back down… where I am no longer in the limelight, and my demons are able to attack me once more. Well, that is if I let them. But I won't, because tonight's been incredible.

I find my crew, security and my dad behind the large curtain. Dad sees me and gives me a warm smile.

I walk up to him and hug him tightly, beaming a smile that makes me feel good inside.

"Another great show tonight baby doll."

"Thanks dad."

"Now… someone's in your dressing room to see you."

I let go of dad and give him a confused face.

"Really? Who?"

"Someone you like." He gives me a grin, as he notes that my face probably still says "what the hell" on it.

So I leave dad to go to my dressing room to see what on earth he was talking about.

Is it a friend? Is it someone that I'm not expecting? This isn't a joke dad's pulling on me… is it?

I finally get to my dressing room in suspense to find…

"Oh my god Nick!"

Nick turns round with a bunch of flowers in his hands.

He gives me that smile that makes me melt and pull him into a huge hug.

"Whoa… don't ruin the flowers."

I giggle and let go of him so he can breathe.

"Holy crap you came all the way to Peru! What are you doing here?"

"Here for you of course."

"But aren't you meant to be playing baseball?"

"I never played. I've been at your concert the whole time."

"Nick! We had a deal. How could you fly all the way here without me knowing..."

"It was easy. And yeah I know... but I don't stick to things."

I cross my arms, "You sure don't."

He gives me a huge grin and hands over the flowers.

"Ooo you got me lavender! I love lavender."

"I know, that's why I got it."

"You're so cheesy dude."

He frowns at me and gasps, "how can you say that?"

"Well… flowers is so cliche. Where's my new car?"

"Girrrl you already have a car!" He's now putting on a silly over the top Texan accent now.

I play back, "Well gee golly you sure sound like home!"

He then poker faces me and lightens his accent again, "Shut up Demi."

"How's about no Jick Nonas?"

"Right that's it…"

I suddenly find myself tipped over, and I'm now on Nick's shoulder… as he has picked me up.

"Nick put me down!" I start laughing.

"Never!"

He's making me laugh louder, and he's taking me out of the dressing room.

"Nick please, put me down!"

"Yeah yeah in a minute."

"No now you meanie!"

"I'm not a meanie… you deserve this for being mean to me!"

"Awww come on, you know I'm kidding."

"You're not very nice about it..." He slips me back down, and he gives me a pouty face.

I imitate his pouty face and I then give him a kiss on the cheek.

He then instantly smiles, "Now that's what I'm talking about..."

I roll my eyes and take his hand, dragging him back into the dressing room. I pull him to sit next to me on the sofa that I sat on whenever I needed a breather or some time alone.

"Why have you dragged me in here?"

"Because I need to talk to you."

"Oh… okay? What about?"

"Well…"

"Oh no… you're not breaking up with me are you?"

I slap Nick lightly on the arm. He pretends to be hurt and gives me another pouty look.

"I was only asking…"

"Of course not dumbo! No, I wanted to talk to you about something quite important."

Nick's face then turns all serious, "Okay I'm listening." He knits his eyebrows slightly, looking right at me with his big muddy brown eyes that catch my attention so easily.

"I've realised… that I think, I should be more honest with you. I never told you about the night I went into treatment. In fact, I didn't tell you anything, and I think you deserve to know what happened."

"But Dem, that's a lot of hard hitting memories…"

"I know… but the whole point of me repairing and becoming unbroken is telling you everything."

He nods, "If you're sure."

"I am. So… when I went into treatment that night, I honestly thought I lost you forever. I literally felt there was no way I was going to better, and that I was never going to get out. The reason I never called you until now was because when I was treatment, it was highly strict. You could only make certain phone calls at certain times. I couldn't purge, I couldn't cut, I couldn't go back into contact with any that really affected me. Which meant… not calling you. But I realised, thanks to mom and Dallas, that actually… now that I've improved a hell of alot more, it was okay to talk to you again. What the doctors and psychiatrists didn't tell me was that sometimes, people in your life that you left behind can actually be the reason you're not getting better. Yes it was a good idea at first to not talk to you… but then after a while I missed you so damn much. I needed you back in my life, despite our history. You were the only one who truly helped me when we were on tour, you did all you could. I was far too broken for you to be able to cope with me. What would have been better is to have left you a little letter before running off. I left you without a word, which didn't actually do any good. I can't imagine how you felt, but I'm so sorry if I hurt you."

Nick gave me a tiny bleak smile, and stared at me with warmth. I could see a small tear running down his cheek.

He took my hand and kissed the top of it.

"Damn Dem… thank you."

"For what?"

"For trusting in me." Another small tear fell from his face.

"Don't cry Nick…"

"I can't help it. You shouldn't be apologising for not talking to me. You had to get better… that was far more important than worrying about how I felt. I completely understand, and I'm so glad that you had the time to think things through. I don't ever want to be the reason you're not healing… that would break me. Sure, I felt sad… and angry that you were gone. But I was angry at myself, I never thought I did enough for you, I felt like I failed you."

"Oh Nick… you never failed me. You did it all, you actually got me to realise how damaged I was. I was sick, and that was never your fault. I can't thank you enough for what you did for me. You're… you're, the most kindest, caring, compassionate man I have ever met." I felt myself starting to break into tears.

I feel Nick take me in his arms, his body so warm and fuzzy against mine.

I feel safe…

I feel loved.

I can't think of any better feeling in the world than being with Nick right now.

This is me...

falling.

Goddamn you Nick Jonas.

I don't want to fall in love.

But you're making me fucking do so.