HAPPY NEW YEAR! I can't wait for the #OneChicago event! Thanks for the all the feedback I've gotten with this little diddy of mine. You guys are the Jay to my Erin. The Ruzek to my Burgess. =)
I own Nothing. I borrow these character for my own personal entertainment and to help me with CPD withdrawals during long hiatus.
Jay enters their house and irreverently throws his keys across the entrance side table. Without uttering a single word he retreats to the kitchen. Erin follows, staying just a few steps behind. Even though Jay hadn't said a single word on the drive home from the hospital, Erin knew his blood was boiling. He kept watching her from the corner of his eyes, probably wanting her to break the deafening silence, but she hadn't.
With careful steps, Erin walks into the kitchen and sees Jay leaning with both hands against the counter. His head is low and his whole body is tense. His eyes are tightly shut and his lips compressed so forcefully they are white just like his knuckles.
Jay hears Erin moving and slowly turns to her.
"I'm sorry," Erin whispers.
Jay doesn't want to have this conversation right now, but there is something in the tone in her voice that breaks through. "Erin," his voice is soft yet full of pain. He takes a deep breath as though he is trying to keep himself from saying what's really on his mind. "Don't say you're sorry…"
Erin sighs and without thinking she lets her body slump down on a chair – the day's events taking a toll on her. "Jay, can we at least talk about it?"
He takes a deep breath and says, "What's the point? You already decided what you're going to do."
His words have a sharp edge to them and Erin feels them cut right through her. "Jay…"
Jay shakes his head and releases a bitter chuckle. "No matter what I say, you'll not change your mind."
Erin looks into his eyes and asks, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"
"I would listen to the doctors." He pushes himself off the counter and walks up to her. "I would make any decisions with you."
"What decision is there to make? I feel fine. We can wait."
Jay runs a hand over his face, then pulls a chair so he is facing her. "But that's just the thing. You feel fine now, but that can change very quickly." He brushes his hand over her cheek. "And then, I will lose both of you."
His voice breaks and Erin leans into his palm. Her hands instantly travel to her stomach. "Wouldn't you jump in front of a bus to save Lucy?"
Jay nods, knowing exactly where Erin's getting at. "But this is not—"
"This is the same thing. If I have the procedure done we might lose the baby."
"If you don't have the procedure done I will lose you. Lucy will lose you." Jay retorts. "Will said the clot is not going to get better. It can only get worse."
Erin lets her head hang low. A blood clot, the size of her thumb nail, is putting pressure on her prefrontal cortex, causing her retrograde amnesia. Jay thinks it happened when Erin slipped on some ice while chasing a perp a few weeks back. Although she was treated for a concussion, the small clot went unnoticed, until now.
"I'm 10 weeks in. Let's wait until I'm at least past my first trimester."
Jay shakes his head. "It might be too late."
Erin stands up and begins pacing round the kitchen. "What if we lose the baby?"
Jay remains seated, following her with his eyes. They didn't even know about this baby until today and now they had to talk about the possibility of losing it. But one thing Jay is certain, losing Erin would be a million times worse.
"What if I lose you?" Jay asks.
Erin briefly look at him and continues to pace.
"Think about it, Erin." Jay grabs her arm and pulls her to a stop in front of him. "I know you already love this baby and so do I. But…" Jay sighs and from his seated position he rests his head on her stomach for a moment. "If I have to choose…" He lifts his head and says, "I chose you."
Erin looks down at Jay and instinctively runs a comforting hand through his hair.
Jay pulls Erin down so she's sitting on his lap. "I need you here," he says, taking her hand and kissing it. "Lucy needs you here." He keeps her hand against his lips and says, "Let's do the procedure and whatever happens we will face it together."
Erin sighs, crushed. She knows Jay is right. The blood clot will only get worse if it's not drained right away and the repercussions of waiting until the baby is born are severe. But how can she think of her own wellbeing when there is this small, fragile heart she's supposed to protect? Despite her own feelings, she knows what she needs to do here.
She looks into Jay's ocean blue eyes and nods, almost imperceptibly. "Okay. I'll do it."
Jay releases a breath he didn't know he was holding and nods back.
They schedule the procedure for the following day and Erin is awakened by Lucy hovering over her. She opens her eyes and sees Lucy's cheeky smile beaming at her.
"Mornin' mama!" Lucy chirps.
Erin pulls her down and squeezes her really tight. Lucy giggles and wiggles away from her, with a full intent on jumping on the bed. She begins bouncing up and down, while laughing and kicking the air between jumps.
Erin looks to the doorway and sees Jay standing there –face crumpled, hair sticking up in every direction. By the look on his face Erin can tell he hasn't sleep at all. His eyes are hollow with a tinge of red, but he smiles and says, "Morning."
"Morning," Erin replies groggily.
Jay climbs on the bed next to her and sits on top of the cover with his back against the headboard. Part of him doesn't want today to happen. Jay wants more than anything to just curl up on the bed with Erin and forget everything.
"How are you feeling?" He asks.
Erin shrugs. "I don't know. I feel like today can go either really good or really bad."
"Hey," Jay says, circling his arms around her shoulders. "Everything will be okay."
Erin exhales, trying to deflect the dread that is slowly tip toeing into her thoughts. She looks at Jay, but he doesn't seem worried, just hopeful.
"I really want everything to be okay." Her hand travels down to her stomach and her eyes gaze at the jumping toddler in front of her. "But I can't shake this awful feeling that—"
"Stop. Everything will be fine." Jay squeezes Erin's shoulders lightly and plants a kiss on her hair. "C'mon, if we don't get up now we'll be late."
Jay scoops Lucy off the bed and tickles her all over, especially on the back of her neck and on her side. Lucy starts twisting in his arms trying to escape, giggling hysterically.
"No more monkeys jumping on the bed," Jay sing-songs the familiar tune.
" 'Elp, mama!" Lucy calls for help in between chuckles.
Erin smiles. Lucy's freckles glisten through her rosy red cheeks and her pearly white baby teeth glow as her smile stretches across her little face. She thinks about the baby inside her and how today could put an abrupt end to the little life taking root in her. Needing Lucy's cuddle, Erin pulls the giggly little girl to her and Lucy entwines her little body in her arms.
"Mama's got you," Erin says.
But Jay walks up to them and blows a raspberry on Lucy's neck. "You can't escape the tickle monster!" Jay says theatrically.
Lucy's giggles echo around the room, louder than they should. Erin can't help but let her mind relish in the moment until every fear dissipates and Lucy's high-pitched laughter is all she can hear.
It is nearly winter now and outside the trees are mostly bare and a sheet of ice is covering the entire city of Chicago, making everything seem delicate and breakable. They drop Lucy off at Gail's and drive silently to the hospital. When they arrive they go past the reception and to the surgical wing. The corridors are unusually emptied, save for a few nurses ambling about. Erin looks at Jay and she can almost see his optimism from earlier draining through his boots – worry setting in.
Will meets them at the entrance.
"Hey," Will says. "Everything is ready for you."
Erin smiles halfheartedly and nods.
Jay pulls her for a hug and says, "I will see you soon."
Erin nods and bites her quivering bottom lip. Impulsively Jay cups her face and pulls her for a long, lingering kiss. He doesn't care who is watching. He hugs her tightly, just holding, holding, and holding, refusing to let go until he feels a hand on his shoulder.
"We'll take good care of her," Will says. "I promise."
"I love you," Jay says and kisses her again.
Reluctantly Erin and Jay part as she is ushered by a nurse down the long, white-tiled corridor. Jay feels a sense of relief that Erin is finally on her way to getting better, along with worry about the outcome. He retreats to the waiting room and stares into the empty space around him. The sparseness of it all makes this whole situation even more nerve-wracking. He tried to be optimistic this morning, but that was before he saw Erin being taken away.
He wishes he had brought Lucy along. She would have helped keep his mind distracted. He anxiously waits, pacing back and forth, until his legs give out from underneath him and he plops onto an uncomfortable waiting room couch.
...x…
Jay jumps as a hand touches his shoulder. He looks up and sees Will, and slowly realizes he must have fallen asleep on the narrow couch in the hospital waiting room. Jay rubs the sleep off his eyes and looks up at Will.
"H-How is she?" Jay anxiously asks, swinging his legs off the couch. "Is s-she okay?"
Will takes a seat next to jay and says. "There were some complications, but we were able to drain the clot. Erin's stable right now."
"The baby?" Jay asks with a breath caught in his chest.
"We are monitoring the baby closely, but its heart rate keeps dropping. We are trying to stabilize it."
Jay runs a hand through his face. "What does it mean?" His voice heightens as he begins to panic about the unenviable news.
"It means that we are doing everything we can to—"
"Tell me," Jay interrupts. "What are the chances for the baby to make it?"
Will looks at his distraught brother. As much as he wants to tell him everything would be okay, he can't. Jay needs to be prepared in case things take a turn for the worse.
"It's not looking good." Will tells him truthfully.
Jay nods. "Can I go see her?"
"Yeah," Will says and pats his brother on the back. "She's not awake yet. It will probably take another hour or so before she does."
"I want to see her," Jay repeats.
Will nods.
They walk down the hallway and Will shows Jay to Erin's ICU room. Before Jay walks in he asks, "Do you think she'll, um, remember things?"
"Theoretically the pressure to her cortex has been relived, so her memories should return. It could happen right away or it could take days, weeks."
Jay nods. "Thanks for…everything."
"Don't mention it." Will pats his brother on the back and says, "I will be back to check on her later."
Will leaves and Jay quietly enters Erin's hospital room. His heart aches when he sees her lying on the bed sleeping, with tubes in her arms and nose. She looks helpless and he can't believe how frail she looks. Her skin is yellow and sallow. He grabs her hand and caresses her hair and face while tears brim the back of his eyes. Jay finds himself crippled by this heart-wrenching loss he already feels of the little life that is fleeting away.
Jay loses track of time while sitting by Erin's bedside. He doesn't know how long he is been sitting there when he finally feels her hand move underneath his. He jolts up and watches as Erin languidly open her eye lids. Even though it's midafternoon, Jay feels as though the sun has just risen for the first time today.
"Hey," Jay says, meeting her gaze. He searches for any signs that his Erin – the one he kissed, the one he slept against, the one that saved his life – has returned to him.
Instead, a pair of cold, lifeless hazel eyes stare back at him.
Thanks for reading! Now let me go finish writing the next chapter so you guys don't have to wait that long... Cheers!