"Oh, now what is this?" Colonel O'Neill groaned, not for the first time.
Recovering from suddenly being transported somewhere else (a frequent Joker stunt), Daniel had to adjust his glasses.
"Obviously, this is the Talon."
"Yeah, sure. But where, when?"
"Checking, sir," Carter said, punching buttons on her tricorder.
"Wherever we are, this Talon has some very unusual customers." Beckett nodded to an especially large customer standing near the team.
"Who are you?" The one with the raspy voice looked like Clark but he wore an oversized black suit with a bat symbol on the chest. Briefly, Daniel thought of a music video featuring a man in an oversized suit.
Even without checking the Background, Daniel realized this was some Clark-Batman from another world. No doubt there was some tragic story, one probably involving Clark avenging the death of his friend Bruce Wayne.
O'Neill made a face. His "are you kidding me" face. "Who are we? We're S-G-One. Surely everyone's heard of us by now. Unless the Joker gave you temporary memory loss. S-G-One," he said, punching each syllable.
Clark-as-Batman frowned, and his voice became even more raspy. "S-G-One? What's that?"
"We're a team," Daniel explained.
The frown of Clark-Batman got deeper. "What kind of name is that for a team?"
"Maybe they're a work in progress," Hawkman said in his own raspy voice as he stepped forward.
O'Neill did a fake double-take. "Look, Daniel, it's your long-lost twin brother."
"We don't look alike."
"Yeah, you do."
"We do not."
"Do, too."
"Do not," Daniel said in a sing-song voice.
"With your new beard, you do."
"You kind of do," Carter said with an impish smile.
Ignoring them, Daniel did a quick visual scan (non-tricorder, eyes only). Through that scan, he saw that others in the room included Sam and Dean Winchester, Michael Westen, Captain Picard, Data and Worf.
As Worf approached, Teal'c offered a bow and a gentle grin. "It is good to see you again, my Klingon brother."
"And you as well, my Jaffa brother."
Daniel noted that Worf gave Teal'c a grin. Or at least the Klingon equivalent of a grin.
"Kind of crowded in here," O'Neill said. He almost backed into a cyborg Whitney Fordman and a bearded Sheldon Cooper.
""Hey! Watch it, Colonel O-Neill!"
"Sorry, Bearded Sheldon." Turning to Daniel, O'Neill gestured with his thumb. "Look, Daniel. It's Bearded Sheldon. We meet again."
The two quietly exchanged pleasantries.
"Doctor Jackson. What up?" Bearded Sheldon did a chin-lift.
"Hey, Sheldon." Absent-mindedly, Daniel also did a chin-lift.
Though Captain Picard stood nearby, it was Data who stepped forward.
"It is very likely the Joker has gathered us here for some type of confrontation," Data said in his usual quiet way of talking.
Worf looked disgusted. "We know the Joker is most dishonorable."
"Indeed," Teal'c said. "And with his power diminishing, the Joker will be most desperate and act accordingly."
"Not crazy about the idea of a desperate Joker," O'Neill said.
"We are in agreement, Colonel O'Neill," Captain Picard said with his own grin. "Unfortunately, we are cut off from the rest of our team, the X-Men."
"Having battled alongside them, I agree they would be most helpful," Teal'c said.
"I think we've got plenty of other talent here," Beckett said.
"With some exceptions," O'Neill said. "Yes, I'm talking to you, Winchester."
"Good to see you, too, Colonel O-Neill." Strolling casually across the room, Dean Winchester offered Carter his most charming, or perhaps leering, smile. "Hey, Major Carter. How you doin'?"
Carter gave him a look. "Dean, I would go out with Rodney McKay before I went out with you."
Dean's eyebrows went up in an expression of mock hurt. "Whoa! Sounds like someone needs more caffeine." He turned to the woman on his left. "Lana, would you get the major some coffee, black?"
Sporting a striped eyepatch, Lana Lang looked cold and determined, like she had just shot open a briefcase. "I've never served coffee in my life, and I'm not about to start now." Lifting the eyepatch, she revealed an artificial eye, Terminator-type, glowing red lens. "But give me a chance, I'll use this on the Joker."
"Get in line, Eyepatch-Lana," O'Neill said. "Or should I call you Terminator-Lana?"
"Lana is fine. Hey, what's up with bat-guy Clark over there?"
"Not sure. But I do know this: if the Joker's on his way, we need to be ready." O'Neill turned to the group's quantum-leaper. "Beckett, leap out of here. Bring in more troops."
"I'll contact our other team," Beckett said, and he was gone.
O'Neill kept his sense of urgency. "We can use downtown Smallville to set up an offensive line. That'll be fun. Nell's flower shop can be our trenches."
The colonel headed for the Talon's main door but a petite blonde, holding a phaser diagonal to her chest, blocked his way.
"You don't want to go out there."
O'Neill raised skeptical, and impatient, eyebrows. "And why not?"
"We're not in Smallville," the blonde said. "What you'll find out there is the Q continuum."
"How nice of the Joker to bring us to that fun place." O'Neill tilted his head slightly. "And you are?"
"Kris Munroe."
"Of course," Daniel said. "You're one of Charlie's Angels."
With a slight frown, O'Neill turned to Daniel. "Own one of her posters, do you, Daniel?"
"No."
While Daniel made his confused face, Kris peered with her own big vivid blue eyes. "I work for Charlie Townsend, and he does call us Angels."
"Yes, there's you and Kelly and Sabrina," Daniel said.
Kris gave him a look. "How do you know that, Mister...?"
"Daniel Jackson." Gesturing to each team member, Daniel made quick introductions. "This is Jack O'Neill, Teal'c, Samantha Carter."
"Hey," Kris said.
"Hey, yourself," O'Neill said.
Carter offered a pleasant smile. "On our team, Daniel has the Background. That's how he knows you."
"Plus I've seen you on T-V," Daniel said.
Kris smiled, looked relieved. "Of course. On our team, Sabrina has the Background. Naturally." More of that smile. "It's kind of weird meeting people you've seen on T-V, you know?"
"Oh, we know," O'Neill said.
"It is indeed most unusual, Kris Munroe," Teal'c said.
Kris held up her phaser. "Lately I've been all over the place meeting all kinds of weird characters."
"Wouldn't know what that's like," O'Neill said. "Now how about we organize a plan before the Joker shows up?"
"Howdy-do, everybody!"
The high-pitched screeching voice cut through the crowd.
O'Neill pointed his phaser. Too late. He, along with everyone else in the room, froze mid-motion.
Surrounded by still figures, the Joker stabbed the air with his gloved finger.
The Talon's occupants were quickly rearranged. Data sat on Captain Picard's lap like a ventriloqust dummy, Michael Westen and Hawkman stood inside a TV set, Sam and Dean tilted toward each other as icicle-covered wax figures, and SG-1 appeared as characters from "Seinfeld."
Everyone else posed in a painting where the Justice Society was gathered around a round table.
The Joker narrowed his dark eyes. "Now," he said in a low raspy voice. "Let's see what we can do here, shall we?"
In another part of the Multiverse, an unusual time travel team traversed through a series of Stargates and space-time tunnels with a brief detour through the Guardian of Forever.
Two team members were very familiar with the Guardian. One was a Doctor McCoy who ended up living in Smallville when Clark Kent saved Edith Keeler. The other was a Doctor McCoy who ended up in a Vulcan concentration camp after his Spock killed Edith Keeler. Something the doctor hoped could still be undone at the right time. Unfortunately, the Joker had kept them all very busy.
Besides, there was a right time for everything.
With the two McCoys were Scotty and Uhura. And they were all moving along just fine until they were hit by a wave of black transporter energy.
"Ruh-roh," Scotty said. His last encounter with the Joker had left him with a "hiccup" in which he occasionally lamented in the voice of Scooby Doo.
Normally, Uhura and the two McCoys had to suppress their snorting laughter at the sound of Scotty-Scooby. In their current serious situation, however, they were far too preoccupied.
"Where are we?" gray-haired Doctor McCoy asked in a raspy voice.
Although he sounded tired, he was considerably more sober and alert than he had been on Dark Vulcan.
Smallville-McCoy, sporting not-as-much gray hair, glanced around.
"Where are we?" he muttered. "Looks like Smallville. But, to quote a friend, not as we know it."
The dead giveaway was the two armies at opposite ends of Main Street.
With a Stargate Command jacket draped over her red Starfleet uniform, Uhura gestured from one end to the other.
"We've got Klingons approaching from that direction-" here, she turned, practically spinning around-"and from that way we've got what Teal'c and S-G-One call 'Jaffa.'"
"Well, aren't we the lucky ones?" less-gray McCoy drawled.
He fired his phaser twice, causing both armies to freeze. That phaser feature was added through the combined efforts of Doctor Who and Angus MacGyver.
"Only temporary," McCoy muttered.
"Aye," Scotty said. "And whatever they're planning to do, we're right in the middle of it."
"A rumble I'd rather avoid." Suddenly standing behind the group, Sam Beckett offered an apologetic smile. "Hi, guys. Sorry if I'm late. It took me a while to leap through all those Stargates and space-time tunnels."
Gray Doctor McCoy looked almost like he was having a heart attack, while McCoy from Smallville appeared more casual. He certainly spoke in a subdued manner.
"You may wish you were elsewhere, Doctor Beckett."
"I just came from a big problem somewhere else." Here, Beckett nervously glanced around. "I see, though, that you have a problem of your own."
"You might say that," gray McCoy said in rather grumpy fashion..
Scotty shook his head. "That Joker fellow's always up to something. Ruh-roh."
While Beckett drew his head back at the hiccup, Uhura looked quite cross as she folded her arms. "At the risk of sounding like Colonel O-Neill, what's that clown doing now?"
Less-gray McCoy glanced back and forth at the frozen armies. "Whatever it is, I suggest less talk, more movement. For now, let's hide in the Talon. Before our friends here unfreeze."
He took no more than a few steps when the air around him crackled lightly.
"A force field," he murmured.
"Of course," Uhura said.
"No surprise there," gray McCoy said.
"Ruh-roh."
"You know," less-gray McCoy drawled, "even though he didn't electrocute me, I'm starting to think this 'Joker' is not a nice fellow."
Raising skeptical eyebrows, gray McCoy crossed his arms. "Oh, really? And what was your first clue? Messing with millions of lives or just creating Dark Spock?"
"And armies are unfrozen," Beckett sighed. "Well, I suppose I could leap into a Jaffa, use a staff weapon on the Klingons."
"That'll be new for them," gray McCoy muttered.
Less-gray McCoy was more direct. "As Colonel O-Neill might say: Don't say it, Beckett, do it."
With a nod, Beckett vanished. About that same time, a blur moved through the area, and Jaffa and Klingons cried out, groaned and roared as they fell down like so many slipping ice skaters. Once they were all down, a figure in black stood before the team. The tall dark-haired man smiled in a way that suggested he was quite pleased with himself.
"Clark Kent," less-gray McCoy said. "We meet again. Long time, no see. Our last encounter was a little brief." As he tilted his head slightly to examine Clark, McCoy spoke with both warmth and a little awe. "You've gotten older."
"We all have," gray McCoy drawled.
Still grinning, Clark held out his hand. "You guys need a lift?" Something like a giant hovering bubble floated near them, and Clark helped the four on board. McCoy (Smallville) thought Mister Kent was kind of like a very large flight attendant.
"I need to get back to S-G-One," someone said.
A weaponless Jaffa, looking dazed and disoriented, held up a forefinger as he staggered forward.
Aboard the bubble, everyone, including Clark, started.
The pilot spoke. "Hold on, Mister Kent, everybody. My scan shows it's Doctor Beckett."
"Sam," Clark realized aloud. Wrinkling his eyebrows, he pointed. "You may want to change."
Jaffa-Beckett looked down at his gray armor. "Oh, right," he said. Beckett then appeared in the rear of the bubble. Behind him, the Jaffa fainted.
"Sorry about the love tap," Clark said. "Didn't know you were one of them."
As he shrugged, Beckett spoke in a slightly nasal voice. "It wasn't on purpose. And it's not the first time."
As the bubble soared through a shiny silver void, Clark gestured to the figure at the control panel. "Everybody, this is Brainiac-Five."
"I'll be your time travel captain today."
When Brainiac-5 turned his head, less-gray McCoy thought how he looked like Spike from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," a show he had seen at Home Base. Only this Brainiac fellow had brown hair and a slight green tint to his skin. Unlike Spike, Brainiac-5 wore a shiny purple jacket that the vampire probably wouldn't be caught dead in.
"I may not be as able as Captain Kirk but I shall do my best to make your journey to the nearest Stargate a pleasant one," Brainiac-5 said amiably.
"We do need to proceed quickly, however. Clark has somewhere very important to be."
Much like his Vulcan friend currently living in Smallville, McCoy lifted an eyebrow. "Oh? And we don't?"
Turning his head, Five grinned. "Of course you do. We all do. My apologies, Doctor McCoy. Sorry. Doctors," he emphasized.
Beckett suddenly sprung forward. "Clark, the rest of the team is in trouble. In the Talon. In the Q continuum. They need your help."
"Ruh-roh."
Again, Clark wrinkled up his eyebrows. "Sorry, Sam, I can't make it." But then he turned to the other passengers. "Hey, guys. You think you could...?"
Gray McCoy smiled. "Us to the rescue then."
From inside the TV set in the Talon, Michael Westen wore a forced smile along with his apron.
"Today I'm going to show you how to make C-Four from common everyday household chemicals. Okay? Great."
Next to him, Hawkman wore an apron that said KISS ME I'M EGYPTIAN. Bowing his head, he muttered, "Kill me now."
"Won't do it!" the Joker screeeched. "Too much fun!" He let out a cackling laugh as he moved around the room, first lifting his knees high in a vigorous march, then tap-dancing, then swirling.
Hawkman looked up, beady eyes peering out from his beaked mask. Lifting his sharp-pointed mace, he tapped the TV screen glass.
"Let me out of here, Joker," he said in a low raspy voice. "I'll make you ble-e-ed!"
The Joker adopted the face of no-nonsense president Henry Hayes. "Never going to happen," he said solemnly in Hayes' voice.
As his regular clown face snapped back into place, the Joker tap-danced across the room with maniacal energy. Suddenly, he stopped, stood still. Holding a finger to his chin, he briefly examined the Justice Society painting. With a simple "hmmph," he then tip-toed over to Captain Picard and Data.
The yellow-skinned android, still seated on Picard's lap, repeated a simple chant: "The Joker is singularly excellent." At the same time, Picard sang in his rich baritone voice.
"All hail the Jo-o-o-oker!"
"Thank-yew," the Joker said in a slight British accent. As he took a deep bow, he lifted a gloved hand.
With smoke rising from his head (literally), the Joker clutched gloved fists as he leaned in toward Sam and Dean.
"The Winchester boys," he sneered. "On your world, you battle 'demons' and 'monsters' created by an ancient underground alien technology that draws on people's thoughts, makes them real. Kind of like what I do. Only I'm so much more charming, don't you think?" Briefly, the Joker batted his eyes then he went back to anger mode. As his face literally turned red, the Joker raised his fists. "Not helping!" he screeched.
"Joker," Dean muttered angrily from under icicle lips. But the clown had already moved away.
Stretching his arms toward the ceiling, the Joker waved them wildly.
"S-G-One!" he shouted. "I change a timeline, you change it back. Change a timeline, you change it back. Change it, change it back." More wild waving. "Get a life, losers!"
As he leaned in, he blinked his eyes, which made sharp musical noises.
"Joker," O'Neill said in an angry whisper..
As the Joker tilted his head, hands went to his hips.
"Well, S-G-One, my fine gentlemen. And lady!" He pressed his face right up against that of Elaine-Carter. "What say you now that you are the characters from 'Seinfeld?'"
O'Neill, with stiff posture, spoke in the voice of Jerry. "What's the deal with this guy the Joker? What is up with him?"
"Gotta lo-o-ove the Joker," Carter-as-Elaine said as she began a spastic jerking dance.
Teal'c-as-Kramer twitched slightly as he spoke. "Let me tell you: I like the Joker. And usually I don't like clowns."
Daniel-as-George waved his hand. "Joker, shmoker, what do I care?"
All of SG-1 twitched violently. Once the twitching stopped, they were all back to normal. As Teal'c lifted the Joker off the ground, Carter grinned and Daniel crossed his arms while O'Neill simply said, "Ha!".
Kicking his legs, a wide-eyed Joker moved his head back and forth. "What?" he cried.
"Face it, Joker, you're out of juice," O'Neill said.
"You're losing it, buddy," Daniel said.
"You have officially lost your mojo," Teal'c declared solemnly.
"Oh! Good one, Teal'c!" Bearded Sheldon exclaimed, no longer inside the painting.
Slowly, and with a smug grin, Teal'c set the Joker down. "Your time of defeat is at hand, Joker."
"Oh! Another good one, Teal'c!" While jumping up and down, Bearded Sheldon clapped as he emitted his gasping laugh.
"And eloquent, too, don't you think?" O'Neill said as he glanced first at Sheldon then at Kris.
"Very eloquent." Kris smiled as she held her phaser up.
Michael Westen and Hawkman, out of the TV set, closed in on the cowering clown, along with the others in the room.
The Joker sat down and curled up, face pressed against his knees.
As he sobbed, the others stopped and studied him.
"Guys, let's be careful," Daniel urged. "If we get overconfident or we let our guard down-"
"-that's when the Joker strikes," Kris said.
"The guy's out of power," Eyepatch-Lana said.
O'Neill leaned in toward the curled-up Joker-ball. "Ha! You're done for, Joker!"
The Joker looked up with glaring eyes, smiled.
"Done for?" he said in a low raspy voice. "I think not, Colonel O-Neill."
"Yeah? Think again."
Shooting up suddenly, the Joker raised his gloved hands. Power shot out, engulfing all those in the room, and they writhed and screamed.
The Joker lifted the back of his purple suit, revealing what looked like a stainless steel backpack.
"Check it out, dweebs! I stored up some power in this device." Bent over, he stuck his head out to look back. "Just in case."
Standing and turning, he held up his arms like a circus ringmaster.
"It's all thanks to my good friends, the rogue Q." Arms still lifted, he took a deep bow. "And I held you back with the mental suggestions I planted earlier. Oh, clever me!"
Those around him shook as they gasped and groaned.
"You're feeling that, aren't you?" the Joker hissed. "That's what it feels like when Clark is exposed to green 'K.' Plus I threw in a Romulan mind-sifter and a Goa'uld torture device. A triple-whammy!" Here, the Joker adopted the face of Pete Ross. "Feels good, doesn't it?" he taunted in Pete's voice.
Back with his Joker face, he said, "It was hopeless. You were never going to win. Even if I run out of this power in this device, I've got more power stored up elsewhere I can use. And even if you take me out, there's still my disciple Dark Spock to carry on."
With eyes narrowed, he marched back and forth. "It's not over yet." After a brief bout of happy humming, he stopped, turned, did a slight double-take. "Wait. Where's Beckett?"
"Right here, Joker."
The Joker whirled to face Beckett, just in time to get a phaser blast in the face.
With the Joker lying face down, less-gray Doctor McCoy stood over him holding a phaser. Sporting a slightly smug grin, McCoy pointed his weapon up and blew on the tip.
Gray McCoy aimed a tricorder at the group. "These medi-waves will help you recover quickly. But no strenuous action for a while."
"Thanks, doc," O'Neill said. "Or docs."
As others breathed sighs of relief and contentment, O'Neill issued orders. "Get that device off him, disable it," he said, gesturing to the unconscious crumpled-up Joker.
Sam and Dean undid the straps on the device, and Clark-Batman, Bearded Sheldon and Carter went to work on it with Scotty and Uhura helping.
"Nice of you to join us, McCoys. Doctors," O'Neill said cordially but uncertainly.
"Sorry if we're late," less-gray McCoy said. "We were on our way to another engagement amd got a little lost. Fortunately, we got a helping hand from none other than Clark Kent."
Nodding, gray McCoy lifted his eyebrows. "Apparently young Mister Kent has some kind of hero thing he does?"
"Sounds like Clark." As O'Neill stood over the Joker pointing his phaser, Michael stepped forward.
"If I had some C-Four, would that take care of the Joker?"
"Do you have C-Four, spy-boy?" Hawkman asked.
"With these interdimensional pockets, I have access to a lot of things." Opening his gray suit coat, Michael showed different weapons sitting on shelves.
"No can do, Westen," O'Neill said. "Much as I'd like to blow the Joker to smithereens, the two McCoys need him to fix a timeline involving Captain Kirk getting drunk and Spock turning evil."
"That would seem important," Michael said.
"Thanks for the offer, Michael," Daniel said.
"Yeah, thanks, but we got this." Using a small gray device, O'Neill opened the portal to an interdimensional storage space and pulled out what looked like an oversized pet crate. Once the crate was on the floor and the portal closed, O'Neill zapped the Joker with his phaser.
"Just to be sure," O'Neill explained. "And because I wanted to."
Teal'c then stuffed the Joker into the crate.
Kris grinned. "Asleep like that, he looks just like a little angel."
"An angel who altered how many timelines?" Beckett asked.
O'Neill kicked the side of the crate. "Ha! Take that, Joker."
Kris leaned in toward Carter. "Is he always like this?"
"Only when he shot Darth Vader,":Carter said.
"This clown created a lot of trouble," O'Neill griped.
"He enslaved a lot of people," Daniel said.
"He enslaved billions, Daniel Jackson."
"Altered millions of lives," Beckett said. "Not for the better."
"He certainly degraded women," Carter said.
O'Neill lifted an index finger. "And let's not forget the time he turned me into Homer Simpson."
While consulting her tricorder, Uhura took careful steps forward. "Colonel O-Neill, we have a problem."
"Wouldn't be the first, Uhura."
"Yes, sir. The space-time tunnel we used to get here has been closed, sir."
"You can bet that's Dark Spock's doing," Scotty said.
Kris read her own tricorder. "Looks like there's no other way out, gang."
"Not surprising," Carter said. "The Q continuum isn't exactly a regular stop on our network of Stargates and space-time tunnels."
"And interdimensional storage is a dead end," Michael said. "Not only
is there no other way out, it has minimal life-support."
"Well, that's just great," Dean said.
O'Neill gestured to his leaper friend. "And Beckett here is the only one who can leap out."
"And I need a recharge, Jack."
"We all do, Beckett."
"Indeed."
Daniel sighed. Or was it actually a groan of exasperation? "Looks like we're stuck here for a while. Let's just hope there aren't any other surprises."
"I'm not optimistic," O'Neill said.