Sad there will be no new CPD this week. =( But we are one week closer to 3x17. I. CAN'T. WAIT.
I own nada.
Erin sits on the edge of the hospital bed waiting for Jay to return with her release paperwork. She's been at the hospital for three pitiful days and she couldn't be happier that they are finally releasing her. It took a couple of days, but the baby's heart finally responded to the medication cocktail and it has remained stable. Despite this bit of good news, Erin is still under strict bed rest for the next few days.
In other news, Lucy has been feeling a bit under the weather and is uncharacteristically quiet today. When Jay came in this morning Lucy had a big pout on her lips and her cheeks were flushed. She felt slightly warm, but not alarmingly so. Erin sighs and looks down at her little bundle curled on the bed next to her looking achingly frail. Erin reaches down, sweeping a lock of hair off Lucy's forehead, and says, "We're going home soon, okay?"
The door opens and Jay walks in, waving a few papers in his hand "Alright, we are all set to go."
A nurse walks in behind him pushing a wheelchair.
Jay sees his little girl slumped over the bed and his entire demeanor softens. Lucy looks very tired, too tired to even smile when she notices her dad has entered the room.
"She hasn't moved, huh?" Jay asks.
"No." Erin shakes her head. "I'm starting to worry."
"Will said some baby Tylenol should to the trick."
Erin looks up, her heart breaking for her little girl. "Let's hope so."
Jay carefully helps Erin sit on the wheelchair. He then hoist her hospital bag over his shoulder and carefully lifts a drowsy Lucy off the bed. The little girl fusses, but settles her head on dad's shoulder.
Jay kisses the top of Lucy's fuzzy head and says, "Ready to go home, Luce?"
The little girl mumbles a pitiful whimper and burrows her face on dad's shoulder.
"I'll take that as a yes."
The drive home is uneventful and it isn't long before Jay is pulling up on their driveway. The sun is setting in the west and the whole sky looks golden, while violet and rose-colored clouds smear the horizon. Jay helps Erin out before unbuckling Lucy from her car seat. But as he puts her down and goes to grab the bags from the trunk, Lucy begins to cry.
"What's the matter, babe?" Erin asks.
Erin's question goes unheard as Lucy continues to cry, crumbling slowly to the ground.
"C'mon, Luce. Let's go inside," Erin beckons. But Lucy doesn't budge. Erin looks to Jay, but his hands are full with their hospital bags. "Luce, wanna hold mama's hand?"
When Lucy doesn't move, Jay looks at Erin and says, "Go on inside, I got her."
Jay readjusts the bags in his arms and bends down to scoop Lucy up. The little girl blinks at him with big, watery eyes above tearstained cheeks. "C'mon," he says. "Let's go inside."
Jay drops the bags on the floor by the entrance and kicks off his shoes. He finds Erin seated on the couch and lowers the cranky toddler to her arms.
"I'm going to get the Tylenol," Jay says and disappears down the hallway. He comes back moments later with the pink medicine already in the mouth syringe. "This should be fun," he says.
Erin sits Lucy up and she immediately grumbles. She gently pinches her cheeks and Jay places the syringe in her mouth and as expected, Lucy completely loses it.
"Hey, Lucy, it's okay," Erin says as the little girl sputters and coughs the medicine out. "It's just medicine to make you feel better."
Lucy thrashes her arms and legs irritably, but Erin holds her still until all the medicine is gone.
"All done, Luce. All done," Erin says, pulling her tight against her.
Jay gently brushes his lips against Lucy's head and softly caresses Erin's arm. "We should get you to bed," Jay suggests.
Erin nods. "Yeah, let's do that."
"C'mon, pretty girl," Jay says pulling a still whimpering Lucy from Erin's arms. "Let's go jump on the bed." Lucy's head comically turns to Jay, her big blue, tear-socked eyes stare unblinkingly at him.
"Ju-mp?" Lucy says in a soft, sweet voice and slumps down on his arms.
Jay chuckles. "C'mon," He says helping Erin up. "Bed rest for both of you."
...x…
Later that night, Erin wakes up and she's a bit disoriented. The room is dark, save for the dim street lights peering through the blinds. Jay is torqued into his usual sleeping position while Lucy is sandwiched between them. She touches Lucy's forehead and her little girl doesn't feel warm. She turns to the side and immediately feels a slight twinge somewhere deep inside her, but she brushes it off and drifts back to sleep.
It's not until an hour later that she wakes up with a noticeably stronger sting. This time, too intense to ignore. It's as if someone is pulling her internal strings, slowly tearing her skin apart. She tries to prop herself up, but her efforts are futile.
She reaches an arms over to Jay and tries to slowly shake him out of his sleep. "Jay." She grumbles, but doesn't wake. "Jay," she tries again.
Jay groans in the back of his throat and turns to her. "Ye-eah?" His voice is thick with sleep.
"Somethings wrong," she says, wincing as the pain aggravates.
Jay slowly sits up and mumbles, "W-Whatsgoingon?"
"I feel this pain on my side and down my back." Erin lets her head slump down on the pillow. "Oww," she whimpers.
Careful not to wake Lucy, Jay peels the sheets from himself and is overcome by the smell of iron in the air. He can almost taste it. "What the—"
He turns the bedside light on and his eyes catch a glimpse of red on Erin's pajama pants. Warily he walks around the bed to her side and pulls the covers all the way down. Jay nudges her legs aside, revealing large blood splotches underneath her.
"Oh God, Erin…"
Erin pushes herself up on the bed. "What? What's going on?" She asks, but her nose catches the whiff of iron in the air. She reaches between her legs and sees the crimson color blotting her fingers. "Oh God!" She exclaims.
"C'mon." He helps her up. "We have to go."
At the moment Lucy shifts in her sleep towards Erin, but Jay is quick to haul her to other side of the bed. The jostling wakes her up.
"Da-dee?" Lucy asks sleepily.
"It's okay, Lucy," Jay says gently. "Go back to sleep. It's still night time."
But Lucy sits up and begins crawling towards Erin. "Mama?" Lucy says.
"No Lucy," Jay says, "Stay there, okay?"
"I wanna mama," Lucy insists groggily.
"Mama's here, baby. Stay there, okay?" Erin says, trying to hide the panic in her voice.
But Lucy persists and crawls over to Erin. Jay is quick to pick her up and lower her to the floor. "Luce, listen to daddy, stay here." His voice firm, but tender.
Jay turns to help Erin stand up, but she winces in pain. "Can you walk?"
"I don't know," she says.
"Okay," Jay says and turns to his little girl, standing behind him with eyes as big a saucers. He scoops Erin up and says, "Lucy, follow daddy, okay?"
Jay begins walking out of the room, listening to the pitter-patter of Lucy's feet right behind him. When they reach the top of the stairs Jay turns to Lucy and says, "Hold on to the rails, okay?"
"Mmmkay, Da-dee."
Jay carefully maneuvers down the stairs, keeping an eye on Lucy and then gently lowers Erin to a chair in the foyer.
"I'm going to get Lucy buckled in and I'm coming right back," he says and places a kiss on her forehead.
Erin watches Jay scoop their scared little girl up and disappear out the front door. It is at the moment that tears roll down Erin's cheeks. She already knows what is happening. She can tell that Jay knows it too. That awful feeling in the pit of her stomach now becoming a reality, except she feels like is she drifting and this is nothing but a dream. It has to be.
When Jay comes back, Erin is facing the wall, staring blankly. "Okay, let's go," he says.
Erin nods, but Jay sees all kinds of sad ripple across her face. He doesn't want to delve into it right now because if he does he might crumble and Erin needs him. He scoops her up and in no time there are on their way to the hospital.
Jay pulls out his phone and calls Will, but his brother doesn't pick up. He tries a few more times to reach him, but nothing. Erin can see that Jay is trying to mask whatever ill feeling is swirling in his head. His face is stoic it seems that all the blood has drained from his face.
Erin puts a hand on his leg and says, "Don't drive so fast."
"Wha-Why?" He asks, looking questioningly at her.
"It's no use now," she says defeated.
"Erin,' Jay says carefully. "We don't know anything yet."
Erin shakes her head. "Jay, we know."
Jay is silent because all the words have vaporized in his mouth. There is nothing he can say that will make this better because deep inside, he knows too.
Angry tears slowly unleash from the back of his eyes. He hits the steering wheel a few times – letting his anger get the best of him. Regretfully, he looks in the rearview mirror at his little girl. Her little brow is furrowed and she's clutching tightly to the straps of her car seat.
He releases a frustrated sigh. "Hey Lucy goosey. Do you want to go see papa?"
"Papa?" Lucy parrots, her voice small and frail.
"Yeah? Do you want to go see him?"
"I wanna Papa, da-dee," Lucy says.
"Okay," Jay says and turn the car around unexpectedly. Jay pulls his phone out and dials. It rings a few times before Hank's grave voice is heard on the other line.
"Jay? Everything okay?"
"Uhm, No," Jay says honestly. "I have to take Erin to the hospital. Can I drop off Lucy with you?"
"Of course."
"I'll be there in 5 minutes."
"Is Erin okay?"
"Not really, she's, uh, bleeding."
"Oh," he hears Hank say. "I'll be out front."
Soon enough Jay is pulling into Hank's driveway and he is standing there waiting. Jay steps out of the car and unbuckles Lucy. It seems her little brow is now permanently etched in a frown.
"You're going stay with Papa," Jay tells her.
Hank approaches the window on the passenger side and Erin opens it. Her tears have long dried. "How are you doing kid?"
She shrugs. "I don't know."
Hank nods knowingly and runs a comforting hand on her head.
Jay comes around and hands Lucy to Hank's awaiting arms. "We left in a bit of a hurry and her bag is probably missing a–"
"Jay, go," Hank says, waving him off. "I got it."
"Lucy has a cold and she's been running a fever. There's Tylenol in the bag. Just give her 5mls and—"
"Jay. Go. I got it from here." Hanks pats him on the back and say, "Keep me updated."
Jay kisses Lucy's hair and runs to the driver's side.
The quick drive to the hospital is quiet. They don't say anything. Jay just reaches over and grabs her hand and squeezes it. There is nothing to be said that would ameliorate the situation. And it's not long after they rush into the ER that their worst fear is confirmed – no heartbeat. All follow-up tests point to a miscarriage. Then it's like a dam breaks and it tramples them. Erin remain distant, unfeeling, and numb, while Jay tries to regain control over his breathing and over parts of him that seem to have a will of their own – his heart mainly.
The sun is slowly rising when Erin is given the all clear to leave. It isn't until they go to the car, away from everyone, that Erin finally breaks down. All the sorrow and all the guilt she's been bottling up comes rushing out in hiccupping sobs. Jay just holds her and keeps telling her, it's okay, everything is going to be okay, despite not knowing if he truly believes it.
When her sobs finally subside, he whispers. "Do you want to pick Lucy up or do you want to go home and rest."
"Umm," Erin contemplates, dabbing at her eyes "I want to go see her. She's sick and we kind of sprung her on Hank."
"Okay." Jay nods. "Hey," he says, gently nudging her chin. "We are going to get through this. We'll be okay."
Erin bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes, shutting him out.
"Erin, don't." Jay says as a lump forms in his throat. "You need to talk to me."
Erin releases a deep breath. "I keep thinking of what else I could've done and—"
"Nothing," Jay interrupts her. "There was nothing more we could've done."
Erin looks at him and her face crumples. "I feel…empty."
They hold each other as silence falls around them – a silence that possibly says more than words strung in pretty phrases. It's a difficult sentiment to process – missing someone you've never met. Longing for something you never really had. There is nothing to do but go on.
After a beat, Jay leans over and kisses her cheek. "Let's go get our girl?" Jay asks.
Erin nods. "Let's go."
Thank you for reading... I feel this one is coming close to the end. Anyways it's been a wonderful ride and I'm happy I was able to take you guys with me. Maybe one or two chapters left. Cheers!