Back in L.A.

I'm Beautifully Broken and I don't mind if you know it…

Lifting up her dress Ashley tried her best to keep her wedding gown from being ruined. Yet, if she was truly honest with herself she didn't really care. Black boots spilling through she made her way through the many gravestones that the graveyard held until she reached the one she craved. Bending down she balled her dress into her lap as she knelt down.

Sighing she let her fingers run across the name. "Spen..." Was all that she could get out before her voice betrayed her wiping the tears that had managed to spill through she began again. "Spencer... I…I miss you so much I don'…" She said as her voice betrayed her once more. "I don't know if I can do this without you." Trying to keep the tears from falling she chuckled, and said. "I got married today. I know scary right?...to Aiden of all people. She paused sucking in a harsh breath. "he just makes me feel safe and loved like you did. He doesn't know me like you did no one does."

She rubbed her hand under her running nose, pausing she looked up at the sky trying to hold her tears back. "I just miss you so much. I never thought that I would be without you. Everyone is telling me to move on…get over it Ash. Tell me how to move on, how do I do that without you?" She said sobbing into her hands.

Standing at a distance Kayla watched her sister cry over her lost lover. She had seen her leave the reception area and she wanted to follow her to make sure she was ok. Not wanting to disturb her, she decided to go, before she could make her exit the leaves beneath her feet crackled.

Turning Ashley saw her sister standing there. "What are you doing here?" She said bitterly knowing that someone had interrupted her time with Spencer.

"I saw you leave the reception, I just wanted to make sure you're ok."

"I'm fine." She said being reminded of Spencer once again. "She always cared for everyone else before herself, even if she was the one that was hurting."

Not saying anything Kayla just listened to her sister let her emotion go.

Pulling up to her girlfriend's house Ashley sat in her car and, debated on whether she should knock or not. Finally giving in she got out of her car quietly so not to wake up the house. Going around to the side of the house where her room was, she picked a few pebbles up along the way. "Spencer." She said whispering as loud as she could. "Spence." She said throwing a pebble up to her window.

Inside Spencer lay on her bed listening to Ashley, she heard her but she didn't want to answer. Just as she hadn't answered her many phone calls she was still hurt by her reaction to her news earlier.

Sighing Ashley spotted the ladder she had used to get up to her girlfriend's room many times before. Going to grab it, she knew she had a good chance of getting in the room because Spencer never locked her window. Quietly placing it on the ledge, she made her way to the top, reaching the window she pulled them out. "You know you should really lock those." She said climbing into her room "Who knows when some creep is gonna climb into your room and watch you when you sleep."

"You're right I should." She said angrily. "What are you doing here Ashley? I really don't want to see you right now."

"I figured as much when you didn't answer any of my calls." She said going over to her bed and sitting down. seeing her look on her girlfriends face she continued. "I screwed up. I know. You've always supported me, and that's the one thing you wanted me to do." Pausing. "And I couldn't do that. And I'm sorry."

"That's all I wanted you know?" Finally looking at her. "Your support, it was the one opinion that mattered the most."

"I know." She said taking her hand. "And I know that there are only so many times I can apologize for being a freak… But I'm so sorry Spence. Whatever you need of me from now on it's yours."

"You're not a freak..." She smiles. "You just act like one sometimes."

Smiling she ignored her comment. "I'll miss you like hell but, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy." She said as Spencer reached out and pulled her into a hug.

"I am Ash." She said pulling her tight. "You have no idea." Pulling back, she looked her in the eyes. "I love you so much Ash."

"I love you too baby." She said leaning in for a kiss, running her hands through her hair she gently began to lower her down onto her bed.

"Wait." She said stopping her girlfriend.

"What?" She said confused. "What's wrong?"

"Remember what happened the last time we did this?"

Furrowing her brow, she said. "We both had like three orgasms."

"Yes...No…Yes." She said shaking her head and hitting her for her comment, she said. "My mom walked in on us."

"Oh that." She said sitting up and rubbing her arm. "That didn't work at all." She said biting her lower lip.

"Yeah that." She said looking at her.

"So spend the night with me then." She said taking her hand. "Your mom is cool now she won't mind."

"She's not gonna let me do that. It would be like me spending the night at a boyfriend's house. She'd think we'd be having sex all night."

Shivering at the thought of her girlfriend's mom even thinking about what she could be doing to her daughter she said. "Well tell her you're gonna over Madison's tell her you've got a project or something."

"You think she'd believe that?"

"Why not you guys are kinda friends now aren't you?"

"Yeah." Biting her lip, she said. "Ok. I better give her a call first." She said grabbing her phone. "I'll meet you outside." She said giving her a kiss, waiting for her to leave Spencer gave Madison a call.

"We spent the whole night together." She said wiping her tears. "She was the most amazing person you know." Looking back at Kayla.

"Yeah. I know." She said walking over to her sister and placing her arms around her.

Sniffling she gently shrugged her arm off of her. "I should get back. It's getting late everybody is probably already gone aren't they?" She said standing seeing her nod. "Why'd you follow me again?" Trying to change the subject from Spencer she didn't feel that anybody was worthy enough to talk about her.

"Like I said to check on you, and for some reason your agent called."

"What'd she want?"

"She wanted to set up the final details of the tour. I told her you'd call her after your honeymoon."

"There's not going to be a honeymoon." She said getting in the limo.

"Really?" She said following her into the limo.

"Yeah." She said not bothering to elaborate.

"Ok Well. I'll set up a conference call for next week."

"Ok." She said not paying attention her mind was still on Spencer.

"Are you sure that Kayla won't mind me staying the night?"

"Positive." She said shutting the newly installed door to her room. "Besides we're not going to be here to long."

"What?" She said tilting her head in confusion.

"I've got a surprise for you."

"Is that so?" She said smiling.

"Come on quit stalling, I'm not telling." She said gently kissing her on the lips as she left the room.

"Should I be worried?" She said yelling after her.

"Only if you don't trust me." She said from the kitchen, grabbing the basket she had made earlier she pulled it out of the refrigerator. Setting it on the table she went down the stairs to her studio where she grabbed her guitar that Spencer had gotten her for their year and a half anniversary. "You ready?" She said going back in to her room.

"As I'll ever be." She said taking her hand, as she was lead up to the rooftop. Shivering she rubbed her hands over her arms. "Ash what are we doing up here?"

"This just happens to be one of the few places that you can see the stars in the city." She said wrapping a blanket around her girlfriend's shoulders, and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek.

"Ok." Still not understanding why she was outside on her roof.

"Be patient Spence." She said spreading out another blanket. "Now sit, I thought I'd be romantic." She said sitting herself. "You know for being a jerk before… and I was kinda getting hungry."

"So what's with guitar?" She said taking her girlfriend hand was she helped her down on the blanket.

Rolling her eyes, she just smiled. "I thought I was impatient."

"Ok, Ok I'll wait." She said relaxing and ready to enjoy whatever Ashley has planned for her. After hours of being with each other Ashley decided that it was time for her to reveal the secret to Spencer reaching over she grabbed her guitar. Leaning forward Spencer eyed Ashley.

"All I want to say is that it's a work in progress, and I'll work even harder now to get it finished before you leave." She said as she began to tune her guitar, clearing her throat she began nervously. "I always needed time on my own; I never thought I'd need you there when I cry." She sang as she strummed the strings. "And the days feel like years when I'm alone, and the bed where you lie is made up on your side." Sang still unsure of how the song was going over.

Listening to her girlfriend sing, she could hear her heart in the song. Spencer wiped a tear that had fallen on her face as she listened. Reaching out and pushes her head up, because she wanted to look into her eyes.

"When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?" She continued to sing as Spencer pushed her head up. Moving her fingers up and down on the strings she sung. "When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too." She smiles at Spencer seeing the look in her eyes. "When you're gone. The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok…. I miss you." She says as she finishes strumming. Waiting for her lovers' response Ashley was dying inside. "I take it by you're silence that you like."

Nodding she leaned in to kiss her. "I loved it." She said kissing her. "I love you."

"I love you too." She smiles. "A girl can never hear it to much say it again."

"I love you." A deep voice said.

"Aiden." Ashley said being jarred out of her memory.

"Yeah." He said smiling. "Who did you think you were talking too?" He said as he helped her out of the limo.

"No one." She said. "Where's Kayla?"

"She went to make a call to your agent…. She said you were out of it the whole time you guys were coming back." Pausing he started ask a question that he really didn't want to know the answer to. "Ash are you ok?" She said stopping her.

"I'm fine why?"

"It's just you ran off once we got to the reception…. Are you sure I'm the one you wanted?"

"Who else would I want Aiden?" She said looking at him getting annoyed. "I married you didn't I?"

"You're right." He said as they came up to the door of the apartment. Before he had the chance to carry her over the threshold, she had already walked in.

"What time is it?" She said to him seeing just walk into their room.

"Late." he said loosening his tie, looking over at the clock he saw that it was almost 1 o'clock in the morning. "We should get to bed. I've gotta be at the airport in a few hours."

"Yeah." She said taking her earrings out of her ear. "How long are you gonna be gone?"

"Don't know yet however long it takes to close the deal." He said taking off his jacket. "If I close it means we're set for life."

"I'm happy for you Aiden." She said trying unzip the zipper on her dress.

"Don't you mean for us." He said walking over to her and helping her with it.

"Yeah." She said as she let the dress fall down to the floor.

"Ash… I know you didn't want to marry me…" He said trying not to break the already thin ice that lay between them. "But you could at least pretend to be here…. What are we Ash you and me?" He said now unbuttoning his shirt. "We're not even friends anymore… it's like you're blaming me for her death." He said watching her change.

"Don't… Don't you dare bring her name into this she has nothing to do with it." She said getting angry.

"So where's your head at?"

"It's right here Aiden glaring up at you for given me a guilt trip." Grabbing her keys, she left the room.

"Where are you going?" He said going after her.

"I've gotta get out of here." She said leaving. "Don't follow me." Slamming the door as she left their apartment. And she knew that he wouldn't he had to leave in a few hours. Hopping in her car she drove the twenty minutes to Grey's and as soon as she got out of the car she regretted it. Taking a deep breathe she walked in, going straight to the bar she order a drink.

"I hear Congratulations are in order."

"Huh?" She said looking up at the blonde. "Oh right that." She said seeing the ring she was pointing to. "Thanks Kat."

"You don't sound to thrilled about that."

"No I am." She said taking a drink.

"So where is the lucky guy."

"Home."

"Let me just say I'm cutting you off after three drinks."

"What… why?" She said confused.

"Remember what happened last time?"

Sighing she put the glass down. "You made your point."

"Good." She said cleaning a glass out. "Go home Ashley this isn't where you want to be."

Paying for her drink she said. "Nice to see you Kat."

"You too Ashley." She said smiling as she left.

Getting into her car Ashley rested her head on the steering wheel, as she did her mind was filled with images of "Last time." As Kat so kindly called it.

It had been several hours since Spencer had left for New York, not having anything else to do she finally flipped on the TV.

"Sorry to interrupt your regular programming but we have some late breaking news to bring to you. KCLA reporter Sandra Lewis is on the scene at LAX of a horrific plane crash. Sandra what can you tell us."

"Well Jenny from what we're being told Flight number 961 has just gone down in a field. their aren't expect to be any survivors."

"Sandra can you tell us where the plane was headed."

"Yes. It was said it be on it's way to the New York area."

"Can you tell us anything else?"

Looking down the reporter looked at her notes. "Not at this time the airlines haven't released any of that information and won't until the families have been notified."

"Thank you Sandra." She said as the picture came back to full. "Stay tune to KCLA for up to date information on this late breaking news. We now return you to you're regular schedule program."

It was like a nightmare all over again, just like when her father died. Not wanting to deal she left. Jumping in her car she drove. Stopping at Grey's for a few drinks she was drunk before she knew it, it was the release that she needed. Kat not being there that night she knew she could leave without being questioned on how she was getting home even though she was falling down drunk. Getting in her car she drove, and she drove fast, tears running down her cheek she barely had time to see the light pole as she ran into it.

Lifting her head up she wiped her tears, she knew she barely survived that accident, she knew she didn't want it to happen again. She had to make sure it didn't… for Spencer.

TBC...