Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Many thanks to my wonderful beta d767468

For the next few weeks things went about the same. Xander would wake up and eat breakfast with Willow, Rebecca or Lindsey or sometimes a combination of the three. He then would meet Sam in the library where he would wrestle away the book Sam was reading and tell him to take a shower and eat something. At first Sam refused but Xander just kept bugging him until eventually Sam realized it was just easier to do what he said the first time.

Xander would research while he was gone and wait until Sam got back which was never very long. Sam would sit down and get back to researching. They would work like that until about 4 or 5. Which was when Xander would make Sam leave with him to get something to eat. Sam just went along with it now when before he used to fight it. Then they would continue researching into the evening until Xander made Sam go to bed.

They were at the dinner portion of their day. They were sitting down in Xander's quarters, Sam barely eating a salad, apparently he was very into green leafy things. He was mostly just moving it around, but occasionally he took a bite. Xander on the other hand was eating some hot pockets, not the yummiest thing in the world but good enough. Sam kept looking up at Xander's pizza pocket. Xander knew he didn't want it though, he was just waiting till Xander was done so he could get back to researching without being bothered.

"So you've been hunting your whole life?" Xander asked. Sam looked up from his salad and then back to it.

"No...I took a few years off for college but the yellowed eyed demon killed my

girlfriend and I was brought back into the life." Xander nodded.

"I'm sorry." it seemed so inadequate to say to something like that but it was the only thing he could think of. Sam merely nodded.

"What about Dean?" he asked. He knew Dean was kind of a sore subject for Sam but he wanted to know about the brother he was spending so much time and energy looking for a way to save. Sam looked at him in that broken way, he hated that look on Sam's face.

"He always hunted, he never seemed to resent it but I know he kind of did. Well except for that year I was dead." Xander smiled despite the fact that it wasn't and shouldn't be funny. That year I was dead? Just thrown out there like it was an everyday thing. Of course in their world it probably was. "But that was only cause I asked him to. My soulless self dragged him back into hunting." Now that really grabbed Xanders attention. Sam wasn't a vampire, he couldn't be, the wards had let him into his room, but how else could you be soulless.

"What?"

"I was brought back from hell without my soul." he said with no visible emotion. "For a year." he added after a moment. There was only one thing he could even think to say to that.

"You should talk to someone I know named Angel." Sam's brow creased in confusion.

"Why?" That was a very good question. He had spent a lot of time not liking

Angel but over the years while they hadn't really gotten closer, they had learned to

tolerate each other better. Although neither really talked to or about the other. Still the

whole shared soulless thing.

"He's a hellmouth vampire, they lose their souls when they're turned. He spent a long time without a soul. You two might have things to talk about. Sam's lip curled, telling him that he didn't think much of the idea. Which shouldn't surprise Xander, as Sam and Dean had been raised in this, probably taught from a very young age not to trust anything supernatural. There were probably very few exceptions to the rule and a once soulless vampire probably didn't make the cut. Xander let it go and they faded into silence again, a few minutes later they made their way back down to the library and

picked up where they left off.

The only thing over the next few days that changed was the intermittent comments that Sam would make.

"Dean was a jerk, he slept with everyone, and drove me crazy but he was also my mother, father and best friend growing up. Dad was always gone and Dean was always there for me and I always took for granted that he would be there whenever I wanted him to be."

"Dean's most important thing to him is his family."

"He loved his pie and his car, seriously if someone made pie and his impala into a women he would marry it and of course she would listen to classic rock."

"He always protected me,..I mean my dad ingrained it into him. The Rules were always we do what we do and we shut up about it and look after Sam. But Dean always, I mean always, looked after me. He sold his soul for me."the smile had vanished from his face and he hadn't talked for days after that one. When he spoke next he said.

"One time when we were kid's...it was Christmas and Dad wasn't back from a hunt yet and Dean stole presents from a house down the street, he had no idea they were girls presents." Sam grinned then the grin slacked again. "I found out what Dad really did that night. I should have never asked Dean to tell me on Christmas Eve, it ruined every Christmas after that."

"Christmas must not be in our DNA." Xander spoke without thinking. Sam looked over at him confused. Xander considered lying but if Sam was being honest he would as well.

"My family, they liked to drink and they liked to fight. I spent most Christmas' camping in our backyard to avoid the arguments." his heart sunk and he realized that he would never again hear his parents argue or talk ever again. They were both dead. He tried to shove the memories back.

"Hey are you okay?" Sam asked concerned. Xander tried to smile but he didn't

seem to be able to pull it off very well.

"I'm fine." Sam looked at him like he didn't believe him. He didn't want to bring his dead mother into this, not when they barely knew anything about each other. Sam seemed to let it go and went back to researching. Xander set his eyes back on the book he had been reading but wasn't reading it. He thought about his family. His mother, she was dead. She was really and truly dead, the depression he had been holding back while searching for Sam washed over him again relentlessly.

"I'm going to get a drink I'll be back." he told Sam. Whether Sam answered him back or not he had no idea. He felt more then saw his way to the door, to the elevator and into his room. He didn't turn the light on but just fell into bed as he stared up at the dark ceiling. She was dead, and he had never told her how angry he was at her for everything. That fact was burning a small hole in him. He wished he had told her but at the same time knew he wasn't able to, he didn't want to hurt her even if she hadn't had the same qualms about him. He fell asleep slowly with those depressive thoughts in his

mind.

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