Dreamcatcher
By Airyo
Storm - 5
Every good ninja had a routine.
When compartmentalization wasn't enough to organize the horrors of the world into neat boxes - one for betrayal, one for brutality, and three for blood - and the mind couldn't take the strain of it anymore, the body took over. Wake up, eat, fulfill duties, back to sleep. Wait for further instructions.
Wait for yourself to heal.
But a week into his routine, Itachi realized that it wasn't working. It wasn't like when he'd kissed Hinata, and could still pretend to detach himself from the act, step back and be distracted by the reasons why he'd acted impulsively. The heavy, sick feeling at the back of his throat wouldn't wash away no matter how much tea he drank. It was exhausting to be constantly so miserable, and have no way to ameliorate his guilt.
He couldn't override his own misgivings and sweep his regrets under the rug of duty, of morality or for the greater good. This wasn't wrangling cooperation from Uchiha elders or manipulating wayward students or perfect destruction of the opponent. There was no end goal, no neat measure of success or failure or good enough. There was no enemy ninja to defeat, no princess to save.
There was no mission.
He wasn't the shinobi, the soldier. She wasn't the the target tucked away in a fortress. So his age-old formulas were useless, because all he had were for the soldier, and never simply the man. But in times of peace, maybe even the heartless were allowed a measure of love.
He was above playing semantics to soothe his own dignity. Perhaps it was love. What he felt for Hinata was certainly not something he'd ever experienced, and he'd been wary of it like a ninja studying a new threat, a new strange enemy.
Itachi slowly exhaled.
Hinata knew him better than he thought.
But how to rectify this? What could he say? It had been difficult enough to talk to her even before she hated him.
Itachi's thoughts were interrupted by Mikoto quietly set a plate of sliced apples on the table by his elbow.
"Thank you, Mother," he said. She didn't say anything and only patted his arm kindly before heading out of the living room.
"Wait." Mikoto turned to look at him with a quizzical expression of...was that anticipation?
"I have acted poorly," Itachi said carefully, reluctantly. "If you could offer your advice how to fix my conundrum, I would appreciate it."
Mikoto gave him a calculating look. "Is this about Hyuuga Hinata?"
He sighed. "Indeed, I'm afraid it -"
She grinned in way that made Itachi pause. That was not an expression that belonged on mother's face. Or any sane human's face, at that.
"I'm glad you asked, Itachi-kun…"
He hoped his sequence of horrific mistakes ended with asking his mother for advice on girls.