And For You
"And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."
-Natalie Jensen
When the slight tremble of Kate's legs starts to vibrate through her entire frame, Castle shifts his grip on her just in case. The movement is enough to have her lifting her head from where it's pressed into the side of his neck, his skin and shirt still wet with the evidence of her tears.
"Come on," he says softly, keeping his good arm wrapped around her waist as he gently nudges her towards the couch.
She's hesitant at first, that stubbornness flicking briefly across her face before her legs tremble again and her resolve crumbles.
She nearly stumbles as they start the short walk towards the couch, the movement pitching her into Castle's side as she tries and fails to counter the wave of pain that follows.
"Kate," he huffs worriedly, his grip on her tightening just enough to steady the weakness in her balance that the hole in her chest has caused. And the way her name leaves is lips is suddenly too similar to the day she was shot, the concern and pleading both just as evident.
It's too much. His words flare to life behind her eyelids as she squeezes them shut, the memory so vivid that she'd swear she was back in the cemetery all over again. And somewhere in the blur of everything that happened in between his shout of her name and hitting the ground, he got shot and the stark realization that she could've lost him has his whispered confession lacing around the wounded edges of her fragile heart.
"Hey," he murmurs at her temple, his voice pulling her from the flashback to the present again as he eases her down onto the couch.
The whimper leaves her mouth before she can suppress it, her eyes flashing open to watch the way concern blooms across his face and she knows by the way his brow furrows that he thinks he's hurt her.
"I'm sorry…I— "
"Castle," she cuts him off, taking a slow, careful breath as she reaches out for his hand, thankful that it's not too far away. She squeezes softly, attempting to reassure him, or herself, maybe both.
He starts to kneel down in front of her but she shakes her head to stop him, nodding to the spot beside her on the couch because she's not even sure she can handle this conversation right now, knows she can't if he's looking up at her like he wants to give her the world and heal her wounds at the same time.
She doesn't realize that she's closed her eyes again until the spot beside her on the couch dips with his weight, the light squeeze of his fingers around hers a reminder that he's waiting for more.
"Did you mean it?" she asks, because she needs to know, but more because they're the only words she can manage when she lifts her eyes to his face.
"Did I—what are you asking me, Kate?" he asks, confusion and curiosity both flashing across his features, and she hates the way his eyes flick to the place between her breasts where the covered scar is hidden before that demanding blue is staring at her again.
Her breath quickens as her nerves get the best of her, chest tightening with the way her battered heart beats against it.
"What you said after you tackled me—before I lost consciousness—did you mean it?" she chokes out, blinking back the moisture that threatens to spill down her cheeks as she tightens her hold on his hand, pleading with him to understand why she couldn't deal with this before, why she almost can't right now either.
His eyes widen, and she watches the hard swallow at the base of his throat, takes a shallow breath of her own when his brows furrow with the realization that she remembers.
When he starts to pull his hand from hers, obviously intending to put some distance between them, she shakes her head, wrapping her fingers as tightly around his as she can manage.
"Rick, please. Please don't shut down on me, I need this…" she pleads, resisting the urge to press the fingers of her free hand to the aching scar on her chest because she knows his eyes will follow the movement and she can't handle it.
He pulls his hand away anyway, though, he's genuinely careful in the way he does so, ensuring that the movement causes her no pain.
"So you can shut down on me and refuse to talk or acknowledge what's happening between us as if it all means nothing, but I can't?" he asks, keeping his tone even, though his frustration is immediately evident.
And he doesn't even realize that the way he's worded it sounds as if he's already answered the question she asked him until he watches her eyes widen and hears the choked exhale that she tries to hide.
"Kate, I didn't—" he tries to retract what he's just said, scrambles to make the words come out the way he intended for them to, but she shakes her head to stop him, glances away as if she wishes she could run from the conversation that she initially thought she could handle.
"It's okay, Castle," she manages, though it's clear that it's quite the opposite from the way her voice trembles. "People say things they don't mean in panicked situations…"
He kneels in front of her before she can manage any more words, reaching out to gently cup her jaw and turn her face towards him, hating the way the hurt flashes across her face, even if he's completely frustrated without her inability to communicate.
She tries to turn away again, but he tightens his hold on her jaw just enough to coax her into listening, smoothing his thumb over her chin before dropping his hand to her lap, tangling their fingers again instead.
"You told me you didn't remember," he starts, because that's what led them here in the first place, and if they're going to work through it, he needs to start at the beginning.
"And me not remembering let you off the hook, right?" she huffs, glancing away again before her eyes flare with something more than pain, bringing her focus back to his face again. "I didn't need your words to be convinced to fight for my life, Castle, and I certainly don't need your pity or whatever it is that brought you here," she chokes out, clutching at her chest this time because the emotions feel like they're burning straight through her heart.
He growls his frustration as he leans closer to her, the vehement shake of his head enough to catch her attention before he curls his other hand at her shoulder, gently bumps his forehead against hers.
He's close enough that her stuttered breath paints a path across his parted lips, and he swallows hard at the urge to kiss her before he's cleared up her very wrong interpretation of what's happening between them.
"Can you honestly tell me, after everything that we've been through, after each step we've taken closer to each other, that you think I didn't mean what I said? You think I came to see you the minute I heard you were awake just for the hell of it?"
He slides the hand on her shoulder up to the back of her neck, his fingers tangling in her hair as his palm presses warmth against the tense muscles there.
"And do you really believe that I drove all the way up here just because I pity what happened to you?" he asks, finally tilting his head back so that he can see her, keeping his hand at the base of her neck.
He waits for the slight shake of her head before he continues.
"I didn't try to push you out of the path of a bullet just because it seemed like the right thing to do, Kate. And I sure as hell didn't tell you that I loved you because I thought you needed a reason to fight. I've watched you fight since the day I met you, hell, you've fought me every step of the way."
He watches the way her jaw clenches with the urge to defend herself, can see the way she swallows the retort that's on the tip of her tongue.
Instead, she takes as deep of a breath as she can manage, forces some of the tension out of her shoulders and nods her understanding of everything he's said because she knows he's not finished yet.
"You told me you didn't remember before, what's changed between then and now? Why do you suddenly need to know if I meant what I said? And before you answer that, yes, Kate, I meant it."
TBC