Hey guys and girls. I'm sorry to be out of fanfiction for this WE. As you know, we had a huge terrorist attack in Paris, in MY country. A friend of mine was inside the stade de France and was worried, but I have another one in the concert hall with these bast**** with kalashnikov. He is alive and in hospital and I'm glad. But I just discovered today that another friend was also in the concert hall, and didn't have a chance to go out alive. So... I'm really out of my mind.

But for him, for those who lost their life, and those who were injured this night, I wanted to update this fanfiction after all. We need to continue to live, thinking about it yeah, but getting through this hell. For them.

So here is this update. I hope you will like even after all.

Try to enjoy. To everyone. #PrayforParis

Matt's POV

I gazed into the void. My eyes were lost in that void. Look a few times my reflection I hated so much. Look a few times this body that no longer belonged to me. It no longer belonged to me since THAT day. That day I lost everything I had. That day I lost my dignity. I lost everything. But nobody seemed to understand it. Why stay here ? In a world I'm the only one who understand what happened to me ? Not even my best friend couldn't understand that.

Matt's POV, flashback

That day, he wasn't there. He was in Poland for ''business''. And I stayed alone in this dark, damp room, with no light, no water, no food. Nothing. Alone ? Not really. Well, not for a long time. I didn't know how long I was with them, but I was there long enough to not talk, not move, do nothing. Just stay still during my ''torture times'', to not scream because I had no strengh anymore, not even enough to cringe. Not even a noise coming out of my mouth because my throat was so dry I had this impression of having sand inside. Not even a drop of saliva. Nothing. During his absence, I was hoping to have rest, but this didn't count on his henchmen and their cruelties. I never imagined so much cruelty from them. I didn't think it existed. I was so naive. I remembered again that sound of the door of the room where I was. It was a unique sound. A noise mixing rusted objects rubbing each other and chalk sliding on slate. At first I startled, but with time, I getting used. This time, I hadn't even moved. Not even open my eyes. Nothing. And I heard the door close. I felt two presences, a woman and a man.

"Come on ! Up !"

In the same time, I recieved a foot in my belly, just below the stomach. I hardly reacted, but I opened my eyes to face one of his men and one of the strippers I knew.

"You remembered Trish, uh ?"

I didn't stir. But I saw that Trish was scared about something. She avoided my gaze. She looked at the floor.

"Boss isn't there, and he gave us free time. So I sent for you a friend of you to take some ''good times''."

Good times ? I coulnd't ever take good time in this situation...

"Go Trish ! What are you waiting for ? You can see he is waiting !"

I hadn't even moved an inch, not even blinked, just breathed. I saw that Trish was crying. No big tears, just tears falling silently to the ground. She got on her knees and approached me. I still didn't move. The Poles came forward and grabbed my arms to press me on one of the moldy walls.

"Stay calm. Let Trish do it, she is good at relaxing men."

I understood what it all meant. But I didn't want to. I wanted nothing. I tried to fight him, but nothing worked. My body wasn't working. I was paralyzed. Totally vulnerable. Trish came closer.

"N-no..."

I shook my head to let me go, but he held me even more as reprisals.

"I said let Trish do this."

I closed my eyes. I couln't see more. I coulnd't see her in the eyes. And I couldn't see her in the eyes anymore after that. Her hand shook, all her body shook. I knew it. The first thing I did, was to startle when I felt a hand on my thigh. Trish's hand. Then the hand went up. Again and again, slowly. Until reaching the button of my dirty pants, with dust, rust and humidity prevailing in the room. Gone, I felt the fly open. Just as smoothly as the hand that brought it here. The pants fell to the ground, I felt my legs move, as if to protest. But he clenched his hands.

"I said stay calm."

His voice scared me. He frightened me. I couldn't stop my legs from shaking. He was stronger than me. I felt my boxer take the same direction as my pants.

"...Trish will love that!"

I felt a cold, trembling hand, and instinctively I began to clench my legs.

"Wait Trish."

I felt the grip end. Finally. But seconds later, I felt a rope around my wrists. This famous rope with barbed wire. Then I felt my arms stand up, and my body up a little too.

"If you move, you die, you're aware?"

He talked to me. It meant ''if I raise my legs in protest, barbed wire would enter my flesh and would plant in my veins and I would empty my blood''. I really wanted this. But after, I thought about the life that was waiting for me somewhere. To Gabby. This woman I always loved and I still love. I thought back to her smile she had when she looked at me. The time I spent with her. And all this, touched by another woman. I felt tears come to my eyes. And finally down my face and surely fall down on the ground or Trish. I bit my lips. I bit them when I felt her breath on me, when I felt her lips on me, when I felt her tongue on me. It was for me one of the most painful sensations. Feel that I would feel pleasure, but it hurts because I didn't want to feel this pleasure invade me. But I couldn't do a thing now. My face tensed, sometimes I heard myself make a sound or two. Sometimes I tried to move to stop all this, but my wrists were throwing me a warning. So I gave up. The only right that I fully took was crying. I didn't know how I was to cry knowing that I had almost no water in my body. I had nothing. I was tied like an animal, and someone tortured me. They tortured me to have fun. A pleasure I didn't want to. My legs were shaking, and suddenly, I felt my body relax. I knew then that, for most of this masquerade, I held my breath. But I wasn't holding back my tears. I still had my eyes closed. My clothes went up by magic, and my hands fell. The barbed wire went away, and I fell to the ground like a dead weight. And I still cried. I put my hands around my legs, even more than before. And I cried again and again. The hardest part wasn't to fight, the hardest part was to take pleasure in that. And every time they came, I took that pleasure. Not by the gesture, but because I imagined that it was Gabby instead Trish. I imagined the woman I dreamed put me through this infinite torture. It was cruel, I was cruel. But it was the only way for me not to kill me. Or not to get killed. It was a shame, I was ashamed. How in these moments, I could take pleasure from another woman?

End of flashback

Matt's POV

I was ashamed of me, of that face. Of my face. When I looked it, I wanted to ask it how he could do such a thing. I couldn't look at the man in front of me anymore. I knocked. Again and again. Until I felt the pain lacerating my hand. Until I heard this noise so distinct of glass falling to the ground. I wanted so much to finish it. That all ends up. I had had enough. This world wasn't for me. I slid to the floor, and grabbed one of the biggest pieces of glass. It was the only solution. The only one that came to my mind. I felt my hands shaking, and I was crying. But I didn't have the strength to do this. Though I have it in my hand, I couldn't do this. I put my head on the tiled wall and closed my eyes. I waited. Crying. How could she still love me...

Kelly's POV

My hands were full of bags. Matt didn't eat much, but the little he ate must have weighed heavily in his system to resume the weight he had lost. I opened the door hardly.

"Matt?"

Not a sound in the appartment. He was surely sleeping. I put the bags on the work surface and made my way to the room, quietly. But nobody. I felt myself frown, and my heart beat harder. The bathroom. There was the only way. But I didn't hear the water flowing. I took a deep breath and a step at a time I walked to the door and opened it. I frowned when I saw the debris on the ground. Then I turned my head to the left and saw a foot, then another, and finally Matt.

"Matt!"

My eyes were fully open and I threw myself to the ground near him.

"Matt, what did you do?"

His skin was even paler than his first day in hospital. I didn't know what to do anymore. I shivered, from everywhere. I heard him crying, and I hit his cheeks.

"Matt, answer me, what did you do? Matt! Damn, open your eyes!"

But he didn't answer. I was panicking. My breathing became so fast that I thought having a heart attack. Then I saw his hand. In which he held a large piece of broken glass.

"Matt... Give me this piece of glass... Please."

His only answer was to cry harder. His tears tearing the calm living the room. I crouched in front of him and gently took his hand.

"Matt..."

His hand was tight on this piece of glass. So tight that there was blood escaped from it.

"Matt, please. Talk to me. Matt."

He looked up. His eyes... They weren't the same. I could see sadness. I could hardly move. Do anything.

"Matt. Matt I'm here, it's over."

I stood almost on him. Trying to comfort him as I could, holding his trembling hand. I felt that he unclenched it and took the opportunity to take the piece of glass and drop it to the ground. Then I felt Matt move and cry more.

"Matt, It's over Matt. Shhhh... I'm here, no matter what, why or when, I'm here and I'll be always here."

I felt his arms encircling me, stronger and stronger. Then nothing. I had to call Gabby. She would know what to do. With a trembling hand, I called her.

"Hallo?"

"Gabby, this is Kelly."

"Kelly, what is happening?"

"It's Matt. You need to come, now!"

"Kelly, calm down and explain."

"He... He's losing blood and... I think he lost consciousness."

"I'm on my way."

I took a glove, and licked to wound on Matt's hand. His head moved, and he frowned. And slowly, his eyes opened, leaving a loneliness blue. A totally inert gaze lost in the void.

"Matt, look at me. Matt!"

He didn't. He was there, lost in thought. Suddenly, he began to struggle.

"Matt! What are you doing, Matt!"

"Don't... Don't want... let me..."

"No Matt, I will not let you! Why you wanted to do that!"

"Gabby..."

"What Gabby?"

"Shame... She didn't... Love me anymore... Can't anymore..."

"What are you talking about?"

"She... She touched me... And... I... She..."

" Matt, save your strength."

He cried. He cried all the tears in his body.

"Shame... Can't... look her anymore... Anymore..."

"Why?"

"Trish... She... I couldn't ... Stop her... Nothing... I... I can't anymore... Watch Gabby... In the eyes... "

Then I understood. I understood what he said. Bennett was right: Matt was sexually tortured. And not only by a man.

"Matt, stay with me, you gotta stay awake."

"Can't anymore..."

His eyes closed, his head fell to the ground and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I just had to stop this blood flowing now on my fingers. It was at this time Gabby arrived. I heard her screaming my name from the lounge.

"In the bathroom Gabby!"

I focussed on Matt, who was lying inert, still paler than the tiles.

"Oh my God... What happened?"

"He tried to cut his veins, that's what happened!"

"He what?"

"He wanted to... But when I came into the bathroom, he was on the ground, with a piece of glass in his hand, and he squeezed it very hard. But he didn't cut his veins."

"You have to call Bennett. He'll know what to do."

"He will ask to see him in the hospital. And there is no question he returns to hospital."

"He's not off shift today. But he left us his personal number."

"... Call him."

"Took him in the bedroom, on the bed and continue to press the wound."

I nodded, and Gabby went to call Bennett. I took Matt in my arms and gently laid him on the bed Instinctively, I took his pulse, too frightened by the fact that something might happen. It was fast and thready. Bennett had to come. Fast.

Gabby's POV

"Bennett"

"Doc, it's Gabby. You told us we can call you if there was a problem."

"Yeah, I remembered."

"Matt..."

I was scared, tears in my eyes. I took a deep breath.

"Matt tried to kill himself. Well I think he tried. I don't konw. He lost a lot a blood and we can't took him in the hospital."

"He is conscious?"

"He just lost consciousness."

"How is his pulse?"

I ran to the bedroom.

"Kelly, how is his pulse?"

"Fast and thready. He's losing too much blood."

"Doc?"

"I heard Gabby. I'll come in five minutes. I'll call Sonia. She's off shift too, and I'll grab all the things I need. Five minutes. If I'm not here, call me again."

"What do we do for now?"

"Try to keep him warm and to stop the bleeding."

"That's all?"

"There's nothing else you can do. Five minutes. I'll be there."

He hang up. A race against time began.

Bennett's POV

I was worry for Matt. He was the first patient who I really worried to. After all he get through. Sonia accepted to help me, and was speechless, looking through the window with a sad look. My phone buzzed. I couldn't answer, so Sonia took it and put the speaker.

"We're almost there Gabby."

"Okay. You said to call you again, so..."

"I know Gabby. I grabbed more things in any case I need them. How is he?"

"Still unconscious. His pulse is slowing and he doesn't seem to bleed out anymore."

"Tell Kelly to keep apply pressure on the wound until I say he can stop. If he stops, Matt might bleed out."

"I will prepare a table and some other things."

"Okay. I see the building, can you help us to take all the equipments?"

"I'll go down."

"Thanks."

Sonia hung up, I parked my car and Gabby appeared to the door.

"You can take some light things. We take the other equipments."

Gabby nodded, we grabbed all the things and we entered to the appartment. I didn't think about a beautiful place like this.

"Impressive..."

Gabby smiled lightly.

"Matt did it. He owns a construction company."

"Yeah? He is... Talented."

We took the direction of the bedrrom. Kelly was near Matt, who was still inert.

"Doc... Thanks for coming. And Sonia too."

Sonia smiled.

"You should have called 9-11."

"He doesn't like hospital and... Well, you begin to know Matt: if he's not in an environment he knows, with people he knows, it will not help him."

"I understand. But if I say I can't treat him here, he has to go to the hospital."

Kelly nodded, understanding the situation.

"Keep apply preassure Kelly."

Sonia helped me to take his vitals, which meant his pulse, his blood preassure and his breathing. He lost a lot of blood.

"You said he lost how much?"

"Around a half liter. Maybe more. The wound isn't long but it's deep. He probably cut some veins with the piece of glass."

I sighed.

"He has a gift with mirrors", I smirked.

A muffled laugh seized the room.

"Well, for now, I need saline, antisecptic and gauzes to disinfect the wound."

Sonia prepared all the equipment.

"I make an infusion of antibiotics?"

"Yes, and he needs fluids too. And an antitetanic shot. I think he has fever."

"I'll take his temperature."

She grabbed a thermometer.

"Kelly, I need you take off your hand and the glove slowly. Very slowly. If the bleeding is out, take it off might reopen the wound."

Kelly took off his hand with the glove slowly as I instructed. There still was blood flowing. I took an antiseptic gauze on it.

"Doc. He has fever. 100,8."

"Make a rapid infuser. Gabby, can you bring some towel, a bowl of cold water and a blanket?"

"On it."

I focussed on Matt, taking care to not enlarge the wound.

"I think he didn't cut veins. Just some muscles. I need to open the wound to see the damage."

"But... He lost some blood."

"Hand muscles are very sensitive. They can bleed more than you think. I will anesthetize the area and open it a little more, see the damage and sew. Kelly can you pass me the bag on the ground? It contains surgical tools."

He sttod up, grabbed it and open it.

"I need lidocaine, a syringe, gauzes, a small retractor, a wire, a needle to suture, and saline."

"Doc... I don't understand anything."

"I'll do it Kelly, don't worry."

Again, Sonia prepared all the necessary equipments and helped me as she could.