Apologies for the delay. Life got in the way. If you're still with me, thank you. Enjoy.
And For You
"And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."
-Natalie Jensen
Her breath catches sharply at the assurance of his feelings for her, painfully stuttering out between her parted lips, causing her fingers to press harder against the tender muscles beneath them.
Castle doesn't miss it, too close to ignore the way her face contorts with the throb of pain, and his brow furrows, his fingers gently massaging the tension out of her neck.
"Kate," he murmurs, no accusation in his tone, though she can hear the slight warning mixed with concern. Always concern.
The gentle shake of her head as she bumps it against his is enough to have him pressing closer to her. Too close, and yet, never close enough.
"If you can't handle this right now…" he adds, attempting to let her off the hook, but she's squeezing the fingers he has laced through hers, determined to talk about the things they're so good at ignoring.
She slowly lowers the hand she has pressed against her chest, curls her fingers lightly around his arm, just below the visible bandage there.
"It's too much," she breathes, more of a whispered confession than she means for it to sound and she squeezes her eyes shut when he tenses against her, tightens her hold in spite of the wave of pain when he starts to pull away.
"Not—not this, Castle," she corrects, swallowing against the nerves that fight against her desire to clear things between them.
He's confused, tilting his head back so that he can see her, attempting to understand where she's at.
Her eyes flutter open at the movement, the brush of her fingers over the gauze on his arm causing his own eyes to flutter closed.
"How many times are you going to risk your own life to save mine?" she asks, teeth piercing her bottom lip when his eyes flash open, that determined blue telling her all she needs to know.
"As many times as I'm able to," he assures her, something dangerous flashing across that piercing blue and it scares her a little.
"Partners, Beckett," he adds, narrowing his eyes at the protest he can see forming on her tongue.
"Part of being my partner does not include you risking your life, Castle. It's not your job to save me-"
"Then whose job is it?" he cuts her off, gently knocking her hand away and retracting his other hand from her grasp, pushing to his feet and pacing away from her.
"I'm not a child," she huffs, and it's immediately clear that it's the wrong thing to say, his shoulders visibly rising and falling with the growl of frustration he lets out.
"Clearly," he mumbles, barely loud enough for her to hear, sparking a wave of anger that she really didn't expect.
"I don't need anyone to save me, Rick," she informs him, watching as he whirls around to face her.
Her heart tightens painfully against the wall of her chest, because the look on his face isn't at all what she expected.
"Funny," he starts, and her brow quirks, because nothing about any of this is even remotely funny.
He shakes his head, glances away from her before continuing. "All this time I thought we were saving each other."
And it's true. It's so, so true. And they both know it.
"I'm sure neither of us would've admitted it before, hell, we can barely admit anything now when it comes to the way we feel about each other, but you've been saving me since the day you walked into that library, Kate. And I have no shame in admitting that."
He doesn't turn to look at her again, and she's suddenly thankful for that, because his words have stolen all of the breath from her protesting lungs, but she nearly stumbles off the couch before remembering she's injured when he heads for the door.
"Castle—" she chokes out, unable to force out the words that she knows he needs to hear, but desperate for their conversation not to end like this.
He only shakes his head, pausing with the door halfway open and dropping his forehead against the wooden frame.
"If I hadn't tackled you to the ground, chances are, you'd be dead right now. Maybe you didn't need to be saved, maybe you don't need anyone at all, but there's so much more to it than that. I need you, Kate. And that may not be what you want to hear right now, or ever, but it's the truth."
He doesn't give her a chance to say anything after that, just lingers long enough for her to hear the deep sigh that has his shoulders drooping as he walks out the door, letting it slam closed behind him.
Her heart aches so deeply as she watches him walk out the door that she knows instantly she would take several more shots to her heart over the feeling, because no matter how much she rubs her fingers over her chest, attempting to soothe the tired, tender muscles, that kind of pain can't be eased that way.
She slumps back against the couch after a few minutes, closing her eyes against a fresh wave of tears, but she doesn't hear his car start, and it gives her just enough hope that he hasn't completely given up on her yet.
She's not quite there yet. Can't fully jump and expect him to catch her when she's barely holding herself together. She won't drag him through the storm of the next few months, but if he's willing to wait…
It's not fair of course. None of this is.
But she doesn't want to lose him this way, would rather not lose him at all, even if that means that she can't have him in the way they both desperately want.
It's enough to have her easing herself up off the couch, her movements stiff and slow as she makes her way to the door, relief flooding through her system when she spots him sitting on the edge of the steps, head bowed into his palms.
He looks…defeated. And she hates it.
She quietly pushes the door open, and gently steps down onto the porch, attempting to eliminate as much impact on her chest as she can.
She wants to ease down beside him, let her side press against his and feel the warmth of his body seep into her own, but the idea of it is much better than the reality of it. Getting back up from that would be torture and she's not sure he'd be okay with having her that close right now anyway.
"Rick," she murmurs softly, just loud enough to get his attention, to let him know that she wants to talk about this.
He shakes his head as he lifts it, but he doesn't turn to look at her.
Maybe he can't. Maybe he just won't. Maybe both.
But before she can start any kind of explanation of the way she's feeling, he clears his throat, decides that he has something to say first.
"I've done a lot of stupid things in my life," he starts, pausing to stretch his legs out on the steps. "More than a lot, actually. And ninety percent of them were stupid and potentially life threatening. And I didn't even think about it at the time, had no regard for my life or the people that I would leave behind," he continues, taking a deep breath and blowing it out.
"But this…this thing with you? It's been different since the first time I helped you on a case, since the first time I laid eyes on you, Kate," he shakes his head again, fighting back emotions that she can't see, but then he's pushing himself up, turning to face her and forcing her to feel things that she's tired of fighting.
"Saving your life, having your back, pushing you out of the way of bullets that threaten to steal the breath from your lungs and stop the heart that I can't help desperately loving? That's never going to be something that I wouldn't do over and over again."
His eyes are wide, bluer than she's ever seen them and begging her to understand the drive behind his actions, the reasons for everything he's ever done when it comes to her.
He loves her.
"Castle," she rasps, pressing her hand against her chest as her heart works against the pain to pound out a rhythm that's just for him, just for the way he makes her feel.
But he's already retreating from her, taking her tone entirely wrong, convincing himself that he's only adding to the pain she's in.
"I know, Kate. It's too much," he mumbles, stepping up onto the porch, keeping his distance from where she stands. "I'll just get my bag and go…"
He's halfway through the door when she finds her voice, pitching forward and reaching out the grab his arm in spite of the wave of pain that follows the movement.
She whimpers, her fingers tightening around his arm when the pain threatens to send her to her knees, and it has him abandoning the door, turning back to her with too much concern in his eyes, blaming himself, again.
This has to stop.
"Castle," she tries again, once the sharp stab has started to recede and her voice is a little more than a choked whisper of pain. She needs him to understand. Needs him to know where she's at, where she's trying to be.
"I'll call your dad on my way out, make sure he knows you're going to be alone," he murmurs, gently wrapping his uninjured arm around her waist and attempting to guide her inside.
She huffs at the action, shaking her head at him.
"Stop," she growls, attempting to carefully push away from him without hurting herself. "Just stop, please…"
He does, brows furrowing as he drops his arms to his sides, clearly confused.
"Stop what?" he asks, holding his hands up in a surrender that he doesn't understand.
"Stop blaming yourself. Stop walking away from me. Stop pouring your heart out and making me feel things and then shutting down on me before I can respond to any of it."
He seems pretty determined to walk through this storm with her, and if it's something he thinks he can handle, she's going to let him, because she's so tired of fighting the way she feels.
His mouth falls open at her words, and clearly he wasn't expecting any of that from her.
"What do you want me to do, Kate?" he asks softly, recovering a little quicker than she expected, taking a step towards her.
Her skin freckles with goosebumps as he steps closer, her body reacting in ways that she's denied for so long, and it's really not fair that she won't be able to act on it for a while.
So she settles for something she can do, something that eliminates any talking and explaining and chance of misunderstanding each other. At least for now.
"I want you to shut up and kiss me."
TBC