Kelly's POV

My God...

"Sonia! Bennett!"

I screamed with all my strength, panicking too. Matt was unconscious but his breathing was still panting. It looked like an asthma attack if we didn't know it was a panic attack. Bennett finally ran into the living room and ausculted Matt.

"Panic attack?"

"Uh, yes..."

"The trigger?"

I thought back to Gabby, what she had said. And how she had said it. But just before completely panicking, he looked like he was elsewhere.

"Perhaps a bad memory... Or the fact that Gabby told her he was going to become a father, but it went wrong".

Bennett sighed while Sonia was running into the room. Matt was sweating in my arms, his breathing became increasingly choppy, pulse was erratic.

"He's going into arhythmia".

It wasn't good, not good at all. Sonia returned with a syringe full of a product that I knew without a doubt, but I worried nonetheless. Bennett and Sonia saw it on my face.

"Haldol. he will with no doubt have a headache upon awakening, like last time, but this is the only way to stop all this".

Sonia grabbed his arm and found a vein to inject the product. It took effect in seconds. Bennett put two fingers on his carotid and waited a little.

"His pulse and breathing slowly become normal again. We have avoided the worst".

I closed my eyes and sighed in relief. I sat on the sofa and put his head on my legs. He was drenched in cold sweat. Sonia grabbed a bowl of cold water and a glove, and cleaned his face.

"Are you sure that the trigger was to know that he was going to be a dad?"

"It's more how he had known it. In fact, Gabby... Gabby didn't say the right words to begin her explanation and so he got angry against her. And then she told him everything. And then I think he had a flashback, and after the panic attack".

Sonia nodded. And looked into my eyes.

"I think it's time to speak to your friend... Your chaplain".

Sonia was right. But before that, I had to talk to Gabby. She didn't have to tell that to Matt as she did. I took my phone and called her.

"WHAT!"

"Oah, oah, slow down Gabby".

I heard her sigh into the phone.

"Sorry..."

"We need to talk".

"About what? My anger?"

"Sort of".

I hoped from Gabby to answer, but this wasn't the case.

"After you left... Matt had a panic attack".

Several seconds passed without a sound.

"How is he?"

"After a dose of haldol, better, but he nearly went into arhythmia".

Once again, Gabby and I didn't talk anymore. I heard her shed a few tears.

"I never wanted this..."

"I... This is why we need to talk. Now".

"... At Brett's. Fifteen minutes".

She hung up. I turned back to Sonia.

"Can you keep an eye on him for me? Around an hour?"

"Of course. Haldol will take effect for a few hours. You will probably be back home before his awakening".

"Thanks Sonia".

I smiled and kissed her on her cheek. Then I left to Brett's apartment. Arriving there, I rang. Brett opened the door, telling me that Gabby was in her room, crying but she didn't know why. Knowing the apartment, I went to her room, knocking. She took a few seconds to open the door. Gabby was unrecognizable. A kleenex in her hand, her eyes were red and tears were still streaming down her cheeks. She didn't even try to wipe them. She signed at me to come in and sit on the bed, which she did just after me.

"I'm sorry Kelly..."

Without warning, she closed her eyes and burst into tears in my arms. She was vey shaken.

"Hey... Gabby... Look at me".

She reopened her eyes and faced me. She was totally lost.

"I blew it, didn't I?"

"What? No... You were angry. And I understand. These last few days had been hard, and Matt rejected you once again. It was the staw".

She looked at me right in the eyes, stopping to cry.

"Yeah... Once again".

"Sorf of".

Gabby didn't seem to understand what I meant. And the subjet was hard to bring.

"The way you told him he will become a father... That's why he rejected you. You shouldn't have say that".

Her eyes widened. She didn't know where to avoid my gaze.

"So it's my fault, isn't it? If he had a panic attack, it's my fault?"

"Partially, but not entirely. I think he had a flashback, a part of his memory played a trick on him, and the two combined... He had this panic attack".

She closed her eyes again, and I took this moment to come near her and embrace her.

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about what he went through and you try to understand why he is like that. But it's useless. What he needs is to know that we are here. No matter, just the fact to be here for him without judging him, it will help him to get better, to overcome what happened. We don't know everything, we only see the tip of the iceberg. We need to help him to open up, to understand what is under the level of the sea. To understand what happened beyond... Beyond what we saw".

External POV, flashback

A day passed since Matt was missing. Kelly and Gabby hadn't slept all night, and they were at the firehouse for their shift. Chief Boden had explained to them that if they wanted to take a few days off after this story, they could but they had both insisted to be on shift. they had only one call for a banal accident in which there was a wounded women to get off her car, but she was only slightly injured. Hermann was replacing Casey, and suddenly, even if he did not want to, he had to take his office to do the reports and his bed to sleep. Around noon, a mailman passed, giving the envelops.

"There was also a letter near the entry for... Gabby and Kelly?"

Both of them turned and took the envelop.

"What is it?"

"I don't know, it was near the door. I just took it and brought it to you. But it wasn't us, there is no stamp. Someone brought it here".

The mailman left, and Gabby came to the common room with Kelly. They sat on a chair, looked at each other and Kelly nodded. They needed to open it. Gabby sighed deeply and opened the envelop. She took out a DVD box.

"What is it?"

"One way to know".

Kelly looked with insistance at the television, the one that Mouch watched all the time.

"Uh Mouch? Can we take the TV for a minute?"

"No problem, it's all yours".

He gave them the remove but didn't move. In fact, everyone was curious and looked with one eye what was happening. Gabby inserted the DVD, and it took a few seconds before being read. With the first image, all let out a cry of horror or closed their eyes. Or both at the time.

"I think we need to call Antonio".

Gabby let stream a few tears on her cheeks before nodding. She took her phone and she called her brother while looaking at the screen.

"Antonio? You have to come at the firehouse. Now".

She hung up soon after, not wanting to hear her brother answer. She wanted him to come, as soon as possible.

"Kelly, please... Stop it..."

Gabby collapsed on her knees and cried all her tears. Everyone still had this shaking hand on their lips. What they saw by curiosity was so much violent and unthinkable... Antonio arrived almost immediately, his district wasn't far to the firehouse.

"I came immediately. I knew it was bad when you hung up on me. So what is it?"

She turned to Kelly, closed her eyes and nodded.

"Go on".

Kelly lowered his eyes and turned the TV on. Antonio's face changed completely.

"Oh my God..."

On the screen appeared a man tied up with rope, arms in the air and shirtless. And he was hit mercilessly. He tried to fight at the beginning, but after several well placed hits, this man barely moved, his head down. He didn't interfere. And this man... It was Matt.

"Who filed it?"

"We don't know. T-the mailman told that... The envelop was near the entry door... And... And... I don't know..."

Gabby was out of her mind, totally disconnected, crying as never.

"I... I know that what I'm going to ask will be very difficult but... But I have to turn the sound".

Gabby stoop up and left the room. She didn't want to hear this. Kelly turned the sound and put the video from the beginning.

"So Matt, tell me. I want this informations".

"You can... always cause. I won't tell you anything".

The man who was torturing him took an iron bar and hit him a few times in his back. Everybody could hear him cry of pain with each hit.

"Still nothing?"

"Yeah.. My back is scratching. Couldn't you..."

The man feigned a smile and hit him with so much momentum that the iron bar twisted under the force of the hit.

"I'll make you swallow your pride, Matt Casey".

And this man continue to hit him, again and again. Until Matt didn't move at all. Kelly put the video on pause and looked at Antonio. He was also whocked by this violence.

"I... I will take the DVD and... And give it to Mouse so he can... He can get something".

Kelly got the disk out and gave it to Antonio. Nenoby had moved, everybody were paralyzed, frozen by what they saw, what they heard. Their lieutenant, their friend, their brother, had been tortured just under their eyes. Everyone were in shock. And this was just the first video they received...

End of flashback

Gabby's POV

"I... I know it must have been hard for Matt... To ... To resist to all this, to endure this for four days. We saw all this, we have seen him being tortured physically, we have seen him being tortured mentally, but we don't know what happened between the videos. We only know that he was sexually abused, verbally and... Well, we just know that. And that Trish... I don't even want to think about it. It hurts me to try... To know what's in his head, but it must be even harder to think about it all the time, to have these images all the time and to have them again and again in your mind. I don't know what and how he did to hold on..."

Kelly was looking at me while I was crying, holding me into his arms, trying to comfort me.

"I... I think you know how he held up during these fours days. But I think you're denying it. It'ss this thing that helped him to hold on and makes him to uncomfortable with you. It's this thing that makes him so vulnerable. This thing that helped him to get out of this room after four days of torture, it's you. You and only you. He thought about you when he was tortured, he thought about you in the hardest moments of his life. And... On the other side, to endure the pain that lacerated him, he had to think about you, to thin about this pleasure to be with you, this pleasure he feels when you're around himn when you're near him... He changed this pain into a pleasure, so much strong that he just thought about you. He feels... guilty and shame about this, to have thought about you in these moments".

Kelly was again. I knew perfectly that what helped him to hold on all this time was his family, me. Because deep down, he still loved me. He wasn't the one who broke up. I did. He had done the first step, he proposed to me, he helped me to make my dream come true despite the low, and me... I broke up because of a damn argument. I asked him to blame me if I made a mistakes, so he did. And I hadn't supported it. I hurted him but despite all this, he still loved me, he still thought about me, even in these most difficult moments in his life.

"I need to talk to him. I need to talk to Matt. Now".

Kelly opened his mouth but said nothing. He just shook his head from up to down.

"He just had a dose of haldol so... He will be asleep for a few more hours according to Sonia".

"It's not a problem. I just want to be here when he'll wake up. And talk to him".

Kelly smiled at me and hugged me again. Yeah, I really needed to talk to him.

"Lets go".

Matt's POV

I had a headache again. There was too much noise in my head to concentrate on one. I just felt I had head slightly raised and someone was stroking my hair in a way that I was appreciating. Maybe that's why I was groaning and that's why this person was continuing to stroke my hair. I didn't know. But it was one of the most pleasant moments of these recent days. And then I came to think about it, what had happened earlier. This conversation, or rather this argument with Gabby. What she had said to me. Damn, she was really pregnant... Pregnant of me. That child was mine. I opened my eyes, the lights were on and dazzled me. I saw my hand over my eyes, hoping to hide the light. Someone turned off the light. Slowly, I opened my eyes again to see only a blur fog enveloping me.

"Sonia? He's waking up".

This voice... He knew it.

"Matt? Do you hear me?"

I signed yes, or at least hoped it. I felt toally disconnected.

"He really can't bear haldol uh?"

"He can't bear neuroleptics in general. His body doesn't support them. You don't have something to counter these effects?"

"Unfirtunately no, not here".

There was too much voice.

"I... I think we have to talk slowly and whisper".

This person stopped caressing through my hair and put a hand on my forehead.

"Matt?", this voice murmured. "Matt, open your eyes please".

I did, and the fact that the light was off made me feel better and less blurred. I knew who was caressing my head during all this time.

"Gabby..."

"Hey..."

I didn't know if it was this... This haldol or not, but she made me feel good. I felt something fall on my face. Something cold and wet. I looked at her and saw her cry. It broke my heart.

"Hey. Don't cry".

He lifted my hand to reach her cheek and wipe the tears and she stepped back.

"You don't have to do this. I know... I know it's hard for you".

If only Gabby knew everything...

"These past few days, where... You weren't here... We received some videos... From Jack and... And he hurt you and... And I felt bad for you... All this time to... To not talk to them to protect these girls... To protect me... Your family... You shouldn't have suffered like this if... If I had been here for you!"

Gabby blamed herself for what happened, even if she didn't do anything.

"It's not your fault. If you had been here,, with me in this apartment... Jack would have kill you. And... And wouldn't have supported it... And I would have killed myself for sure... Kowing you were alive... This was enough for me to stay alive... Jack knew it, he wouldn't have touched you, because he needed these informations. The torture was to keep them, but the pleasure was to know that you were alive".

Gabby, the woman I loved... She kept me alive. No matter how, she kept me alive during these days.

"When... When I was there, I kept telling myself that if I talked, I was a weight for him. Maybe he would have kept me to torture me again and again. If I talked, he would have killed you. And Kelly, eveybody. I was asking myself how to tell you I was still loving you. And that I don't want to let you get out of my life again... But, I know that since I came back... I rejected you again and again instad of loving you more".

"Hey... It's nothing. I think that evrybody would have reacted like you in such a situation. I don't blame you. But on the other side, I have to apologize. I didn't understand you despite the fact that I knew what had happened. I know how you're working and this makes me fell bad for you. And I continue with this argument... I blew it. So I apologize. I shouldn't have say that..."

I closed my eyes. She was right, but I didn't blame her either. I couldn't blame her. My stomach made a sound I never heard before.

"You're hungry uh?"

"I think so. But I don't want soup".

"I can do scrambled eggs again? Well, if you want..."

"Something else?"

"Uh... Mashed potatoes and meat? You tried meat?"

"At the hospital yeah. But it didn't pass".

"You want to try again? And if it didn't pass again, I'll take your part?"

I felt myself nod. She stood up but I grabbed her wrist. Cost of a slight fear, I let it go immediately.

"Sorry I... Sorry".

"Hey Matt..."

She sat near me again.

"Don't be sorry. It's nothing. I know you're scared, but you can touch me you know. You didn't want me to leave you?"

"No it's... You're really... Well... Pregnant?"

Gabby smiled slightly then shook her head. She waved at me to wait for her on the couch. She stood up and looked for something in her bag before coming back.

"Here".

She handed me a photo in black and white. I knew nothing about medicine, but I immediately recognized what it was. It represented a small mass, something in Gabby's belly, the woman I loved, that was growing inside of her. I shed a few tears, and tried to wipe them.

"So... So it's real? It's... He's really here?" I said pointing her stomach.

"Yes Matt! It's real! You're gonna be a dad!"

I couldn't hold my tears anymore.

"I wanted to tell you sooner but... In your shape, I couldn't. First at home when you... Then the hospital but you couldn't see me without crying and then you had the flu and... And I told you everything like this..."

A question was in my head.

"The others know?"

"The firehouse? I told them an hour before you. I took this same picture on the fridge. Hermann understood immediately".

"You didn it alone? The ultrasound?"

"Kelly was with me. It was pretty funny. The OB/GYN had thought that he was my boyfriend, then a sperm donor for my girlfirend and I".

I couldn't help but laugh. It was indeed funny.

"I will have an ultrasound in june 19th. Six weeks is too soon to run the tests etc, so when I will be on my tenth week, we'll do the tests. If... You wanna come... Come with me?"

I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say.

"Are you sure that... I can?"

"Matt, you're the father. It's logical to come. But if you don't want to, I'll understand".

"No. I'll come".

"I'll prepare the diner".

She stoop up and went to the kitchen. I was happy and sad at the same time. Sad besaud I was making her unhappy. Because of all this story... She couldn't live happily with me...