Love Is A Losing Game (By Amy Winehouse)
Summary: This is the second of my three Merthian stories. Here Mithian has to try and understand how Merlin's destiny is joined to Arthur's. It is only through a conversation with a good friend that she realises just what she has to do to finally convince him that they can be together.
Though I battle blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
The very next day Mithian decided to take an early morning stroll outside in the meadow. She smiled as she felt the sunshine on her face, she headed away towards were the flowers were in bloom, their scent leading her further and further away from the citadel. She found a spot under a willow tree and rested her head on it. Before she knew it the conversation she'd had with Merlin came back into her mind.
She still struggled to make sense of his reasoning for rejecting her. As she re-lived his words about his destiny tying him to Arthur and Camelot, she longed to know more so that she could understand him better. She had heard stories about how Merlin and Arthur were inseparable, and how they had come through numerous quests and challenges. Indeed she had seen one at first hand. But did that really mean that Merlin would be forced to never have any happiness of his own? To have no life of his own, other than serving Arthur? Somehow she just couldn't accept that on Merlin's behalf.
She understood as she herself was a Princess, that sometimes in life you didn't have many choices, that sometimes you were forced to follow a certain path. But did that really mean that any chance of personal happiness had to be pushed aside, sacrificed for the greater good? The more she'd got to know Merlin in her numerous visit's to Camelot, the more she came to the impression that he used his destiny as a shield. It was as if he was afraid of branching out on his own, as he had spent so much of his life as Arthur's selfless friend and protector.
She had tried to understand how much his life had changed in the past year, how being banished away from Camelot had hurt him deeply inside. She could accept that he was desperate to continue to support Arthur, in his quest to unite the Five Kingdoms. But as she watched him from afar it seemed to her that little had changed, from when his magic was a secret. He appeared to still be living on the outside, in the shadows alone and elusive.
Yet yesterday she had sensed a moment when he was desperate for a different kind of life. The feelings they had shared that afternoon, she refused to believe they had meant nothing. She could see it in his face, feel it in how he held her. She felt as if the shield he'd protected himself with, had briefly come adrift, and that for the first time she had glimpsed the real Merlin. She closed her eyes and briefly remembered how he had opened his soul to her and shared his secrets with her. She smiled at the memory of his softening face as he told her about his magic, and how it was an extension of his very being.
Suddenly she knew she could not give up on him yet. She now realized she had made a partial breakthrough with him, now she had to find a way to disentangle his doubts all together. She thought back to her father and his words about how he had married for love, rather than the arranged marriage that had been planned for him. Rodor himself had always made it clear to Mithian that although he could not guarantee it, if she had found someone worthy of her love, he would try and allow it to occur. Her older brother Olwyn was the heir to the throne after all, Mithian did not doubt that he would be the one to lead Nemeth into Albion and beyond. Once Mithian's proposed marriage to Arthur had broken down, Rodor knew there were few suitable suitors for his beloved daughter. But Mithian still understood that fate may yet play a hand in her future, which is why she could never forgive herself, if she just gave up without a fight. Somehow she must make Merlin see that they would be good together. But how she wondered wearily?
Just as she was about to lose hope again she saw a figure up ahead. The man was bending down and picking some flowers, she smiled when she realized that he was only yards from her. He hadn't seen her curled up under the willow, so she contented herself watching him carefully picking the daisies, with his long graceful fingers. She guessed these would be for Gwen, her friend had laughed as she admitted it was Merlin that mainly chose her flowers rather than Arthur. The figure suddenly stopped looking ahead of him, staring straight at Mithian. She suddenly felt awkward as if she had been spying on him, but took a deep breath as he slowly walked over to her.
"Mithian I didn't see you. What are you doing here all by yourself, you need to be careful." Merlin said, his face a picture of concern.
Mithian got up, "I was careful I often go strolling on my own at home." She replied, smiling down his concerns. "Are these for Gwen by any chance?"
Merlin grinned. "Well Arthur actually, although yes I do believe he will give them to Gwen."
"I hope so any other explanation could cause assumptions." Mithian laughed, watching the dawning of horror on Merlin's face as he realized what she'd meant by the comment.
"Good God no, Arthur has asked for many things from me but thankfully not flowers!" Merlin assured her, sharing the joke. "Between you and me I don't think he quite understands the point of them."
Mithian laughed, "You on the other hand have no such problems."
"No indeed, in fact daisies are among my favourites this time of year." Merlin admitted. "I'm, I'm really relieved that we can still talk, I was afraid after yesterday that things would be awkward between us."
"I am not one to bear a grudge Merlin you should know that." Mithian said, "Although that doesn't mean I have given up entirely on us."
"Mithian." Merlin muttered his eyes clouding over for a second.
"I just want to understand better Merlin, please don't shut me out." Mithian pleaded, "I feel we have some things in common and all I want in a chance to express that. Surely you won't deny me that?"
After a pause while he dithered moving from one foot to the other he answered. "No I think you deserve that at least. I am busy today but maybe tomorrow we can meet then." Merlin suggested.
"Tomorrow it is then." Mithian agreed. "Can I walk back with you?"
"Of course." Merlin replied.
They fell into an easy step, even now his closeness thrilled Mithian, their hands almost touching as they walked together. Every now and then she would stare at him, once he caught her doing it, and returned a goofy smile. She blushed as if he'd caught her unexpectedly, before attempting to make a bad joke to cover up for her behaviour.
How she hated when the citadel became closer and closer, when they would have to part, and she would be left feeling frustrated and saddened. As they came into the court yard Mithian could see already how busy it was becoming. There were people coming and going a man selling fruit in the corner, who was in a loud conversation with a young Knight. Some children ran out in front of Merlin almost causing him to drop the flowers, in his haste to stay on his feet. Mithian laughed as she watched him struggle, as he came to an ungainly stop.
After a pause, Merlin turned to her, looking regretful. "I need to take these in, I'm sorry I have no time today. But we will have an opportunity to meet tomorrow."
"In that case I will look forward for tomorrow." Mithian replied, hoping she didn't look as unhappy as she felt. "I need to spend some time with Gwen anyway."
"I'll wish you a good day then." Merlin answered, their hands briefly touching.
"Don't work too hard." She smiled.
He nodded as he left her, Mithian watched him go already wishing it was tomorrow. It was true that she and Gwen needed some time together, she suddenly realized that maybe her friend could give her a little more advice. Mithian was still struggling about how she could break through Merlin's doubts. But she now knew she had a day to come up with something, and more than ever she was determined to find a way.
Mithian had tried to wish away the day as quickly as possible, but it seemed to be never-ending. After Gwen was rushed into a meeting she was left to ponder things alone, not the first time. If usually came back to the exact same thing, Merlin and his destiny. She tried to put herself in his shoes, to be told constantly that his one path in life was to protect someone. She accepted in the end that this was something Merlin would never be talked out of.
But she knew that she could give him something, the love that he was crying out for, even if he didn't know it. As she was a Princess she understood well sacrifice and duty, she'd also had it knocked into her from a young age. She even remembered the day her father had explained to her, that she would be married off to Arthur. She had accepted it as the price of being born a Princess. But when it didn't happen she had learnt never to take anything for granted. She had accepted that sometimes there could always be an unexpected occurrence in life that you couldn't always plan for.
Merlin on the other hand didn't appear to accept that, and she needed to know if there was another reason for that, other than the obvious one his destiny. If it was just a case of him thinking he was
not good enough for her, then Mithian was sure she could change his mind on that. She realised the person to ask about that was her friend Gwen, who she guessed understood the relationship between Merlin and Arthur better than anyone.
An hour later the two women were in the gardens enjoying the last of the sun, Gwen in particular was pleased to be away from the meeting that had been scheduled at the last minute.
"This has to be my favourite moment of the day, with the sun setting around the citadel." She smiled, pointing off in the distance.
"It is true I have seen some beautiful sunsets in Camelot." Mithian admitted, wondering how she was going to ask the question she wanted to. Suddenly she was shy about talking about her day with Merlin.
As if sensing her reluctance Gwen did it for her. "You never told me how the day went with Merlin yesterday." The Queen asked, curiously. "Yet I sense there is something bothering you."
Mithian laughed, "I knew you would guess eventually."
The two women laughed, but then Gwen looked at her seriously. "You know there is nothing you can't ask me."
So Mithian relived her experience and what Merlin had said, it seemed to Mithian that Gwen did not seem to be especially surprised by Merlin's reaction to Mithian.
"I know you wanted me to open him up somewhat, it seems I've done the opposite." Mithian ended, despairingly.
"I don't think so. By the sound of it he did open up to you during the afternoon, just like I knew he would." Gwen smiled, "Nothing you've said has surprised me, Merlin denying himself is quite normal. He has a huge sense of duty, more than any I have known anyone have before. He is very humble and I am sure he is totally adamant that he deserves no one." Gwen said, a look of exasperation on her face.
"I take it you don't agree?" Mithian laughed, despite her frustrations.
"I have been trying to fix up Merlin for ages. It is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to do . Every time he back-tracks, and avoids any woman I try to fix him up with. It is usually because
he doesn't have enough time, or that is what he tells me. When I point out that he could plan his own day to allow such pleasures, then the old excuses about doing some of Arthur's chores fall out of his mouth!"
Mithian laughed again, believing every word that Gwen had uttered. She could just imagine Merlin doing everything, she'd just described.
"What is the secret of Merlin and Arthur's relationship Gwen? What drives it, I feel like it is a real blockade between us, and unless I understand I feel I will always struggle convincing him of anything."
"After Merlin had come back from his enforced exile from Camelot he sat down and tried to explain everything to Arthur and myself. His childhood when he'd first learnt of his magical skills, to the
time he'd left Ealdor and arrived in Camelot, before he began serving Arthur. All the way through he would speak of us when speaking about Arthur and himself. It was as though he just accepted there was no him, and only the two of them. It always bothered me, and Arthur actually."
"It is as if he just sees himself as part of a relationship and that takes any place of any other for himself." Mithian said, slowly trying to take it in to understand it.
"Yes exactly." Gwen agreed. "I still think there is room for another relationship in his life, it just means being able to break through his selfless nature and stubbornness, to convince him that he deserves someone special as well. Somehow you have got to get through that haze inside his head that tells him he cannot have both."
"But how?" Mithian asked, genuinely stuck for ideas.
"Just by being yourself Mithian. You more than anyone have broken through some of Merlin's doubts. You only have to watch the two of you together, to know that something exists between you. You must be bold about it my dear, stride through his insecurities and prove to him that you can give him something, that even Arthur cannot."
"You are right once again." Mithian smiled, suddenly feeling more confident and determined in her mind. "We are spending tomorrow afternoon together, and I am determined that he will see a side to me that he will not forget!"
Gwen laughed, "Now that I would love to see, if there is anything Arthur or I can do let us know."
"Arthur?" Mithian questioned. "You mean even Arthur is trying to get him fixed up?"
Gwen giggled. "You'll be amazed how even Arthur is being driven mad by Merlin's singular vision. Merlin means the world to him of course, but even he would be grateful to see some woman come along and give him a different kind of life. It would complete Merlin in a way even he doesn't realise."
"That is very true, I realised that for myself when I left Camelot the first time, when Arthur called off our marriage. I was so envious when he explained about you and the love that you shared with each other. I would honestly give up any of my riches to experience the same thing." Mithian confessed, realising she still felt the same way, as she did when she'd been forced to leave Camelot all those years ago.
"Don't despair Mithian I think it is nearer then you think. You just have to train him into accepting it for himself. Once that happens, then your happiness will be complete." Gwen said, a look of real respect in her eye for the woman next to her.
"Thank you Gwen, for making me realise what it is I have to do. I will get an early night I think and prepare myself for tomorrow." Mithian said, getting up and kissing her friend before she walked away back to her room.
Her thoughts were now only full of determination she knew that tomorrow she needed to break through Merlin's defences, and she would she vowed to herself. Looking up she spotted him walking across the courtyard his mind seemingly a million miles away. She took a moment to study him, and realised just how much he meant to her. She just could not accept that they could never be together, they were meant to be she told herself. As she thought that his face looked her way, and slowly a smile broke across his face, that melted her heart. Tomorrow would be the day she finally got through to him, and her dreams would at last come true.
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