Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

RETROSPECT

MIND

It really couldn't be avoided any longer. Itachi had put off the matter for as long as he could but it seemed the whole thing had caught up and latched firmly onto him. It was time to think about Sasuke's mental condition.

Kakashi's initial suggestion that Sasuke should see some sort of doctor, a whole year ago now, had become the first of a whole barrage of similar proposals and well-meaning advice about how both Itachi and Sasuke should be talking to somebody concerning that one ill-fated night. Itachi openly scowled, thinking about how many people had tried to offer their help in the matter, causing several people in the tea house he was sitting in to glance at him uncertainly.

Itachi, being older and an ex-ANBU operate, could wave away any doubt towards his mental stability. If he was deemed mature enough to execute high-level missions, and sane enough to walk away without shutting down on himself, it was almost insulting for anyone to even insinuate that he should seek a doctor. Death was like an old acquaintance that had ceased to horrify him long ago.

But Sasuke was a child. A child that had walked through a sea of corpses belonging to his family, seen his parents murdered and witnessed his once numerous Clan fall to a population of just two people. Sasuke wasn't going to be able to cope with that. Itachi had desperately hoped over the last year that Sasuke would show signs of moving on from the massacre and reclaim his childhood. But, if anything, he was getting worse.

To all appearances Sasuke had recovered. He was top of his class, never made trouble and would tell anyone who asked that he was fine. But Itachi saw what hid underneath all that. Crushing Despair, is what Itachi had privately termed it. Sometimes, Sasuke would just stop whatever he was doing for a moment. The first time it happened Itachi thought his brother was simply lost in thought. But upon closer inspection, he could see a sort of labour to Sasuke's breathing, his eyes just a little too wide and his already pale complexion growing whiter.

Itachi didn't need to be mind-reader to know exactly what Sasuke was seeing and feeling in those moments. The massacre, being in the clutches of utter terror, and the deepest sadness for everything that had happened. Those moments of Crushing Despair were strong enough to make even Sasuke's stoic mask crack. It was enough evidence to know that not all was well in the youngest Uchiha's mind.

But did Sasuke need some kind of mental rehabilitation? The idea conjured a sort of disgust in Itachi, imaging his brother being brainwashed by some person that couldn't, no matter how hard they tried, completely understand what Sasuke was going through.

Kakashi, who had become a sort of personal child-minder for Sasuke, had been kind enough not to push the matter until recently. Itachi suspected the older man could see that Sasuke wasn't coping and had begun to pester Itachi about it more frequently.

In fact it was Kakashi that had asked Itachi to meet him in the tea house, no doubt to discuss the matter, but the Copy-nin was predictably late. Itachi wondered why anyone even bothered showing up on time for him.

Itachi slowly drank his tea and was thinking about leaving just before Kakashi showed up. The man was reading a book as he walked, expertly avoiding stepping on anyone's feet and weaving between the tables. A malicious little spark in Itachi couldn't wait to see the day when Kakashi would be so absorbed in his book that he would trip over something and fall flat on his face.

When they were seated opposite each other, they began to talk.

"Where's Sasuke?" Kakashi asked after refusing the Itachi's offer to buy him something off the menu.

"At the Academy. He'll finish soon, so can we make this quick?"

"I'll get right down to it then. Why haven't you or Sasuke enrolled in any of the counselling or treatment courses I've suggested yet?"

"I've given the matter a lot of thought but I just don't think it's what either of us needs," Itachi replied swiftly, finding it uncommonly difficult to keep eye contact with Kakashi. He noticed that the man had stopped reading and was entirely focused on their conversation.

"Well, I'm afraid I can't agree with you if you think you're both on the road to recovery." Itachi frowned at the hostile note in the other's voice. He didn't want to be lectured on this matter.

"People will always see the same thing differently. I'm grateful for all your help but this is my business alone and I would thank you not to interfere," Itachi told him curtly, getting up to leave. He seemed to be on a short fuse today and Kakashi badgering him again about seeing a psychiatrist wasn't helping.

"It's your business alone, is it?" The scathing note made Itachi pause. He narrowed his eyes, replying in a low voice,

"Yes, that's right."

"Well, we'll just have to revise that claim when you or your brother finally snaps. I think it will be the business of the whole village when they have to clean up your mess after one of you has a breakdown and does something drastic."

"And what would that 'drastic' thing be?"

"Suicide, is my best guess." Itachi glared hard at Kakashi.

"Not everyone who goes through something difficult kills themselves, unlike your Father whom I very well know took his own life because things got a bit rough." Itachi wished he hadn't said that. Kakashi stood up so fast his chair clattered to the ground and the table shot forward a few inches. His single visible eye had never been so full of rage.

"You're too damn proud to admit that your suffering and it's going to kill Sasuke, if not you first!" Everyone was staring, Itachi could feel it. The manager had poked his head around a back entrance and was jittering nervously, obviously debating whether he should ask the two ninja on the verge of attacking each other to leave his shop or just leave them be.

Composing himself, Itachi reasoned that it would be no good to cause a scene.

"Let's take a walk," he suggested, and the two left, heading towards the bridge that stretched over a wide river. They stopped in the middle of it and let the silence eat at the air for a while.

Kakashi eventually spoke.

"My Father…never told anyone what was going through his head." Itachi stayed quiet, listening.

"You know he was disgraced after choosing to save his comrades' lives rather than complete a mission. Everyone knew it was a big thing to deal with but I never would have dreamt, not in a million years, that it would drive him to suicide. He didn't speak to a professional, he didn't speak to his friends, and he didn't even speak to me – the only family he had. I can still remember what it felt like to find him that day, lying on the floor. He had overdosed, probably because slitting his wrists would have caused a mess, and god knows that he didn't want his own death to cause any more inconvenience for anybody."

Kakashi spoke in a detached way, sounding as indifferent as if he were reading out instructions on how to assemble a cabinet. Itachi wondered if Kakashi had ever told all this to anyone else.

"His death hit me hard. I was obsessed with rules and several times found a bottle of pills in my own hand, wondering whether to sallow the lot. I never spoke to anyone about how I felt. It took someone else to die for me to snap out of it." He stared at the water for a long time before facing Itachi.

"You know what it was that stopped both me and my Father from confiding in anyone? Pride. My Father wouldn't let anyone see how his actions were haunting him and I was too proud to admit that anything could faze me. And now you. You're too proud to either notice that something's wrong or too proud, like me, to tell anyone that you're not coping with this. And look where that pride got me and my Father: dead, alone and more miserable than ever. Too damn proud…"

Itachi knew why he personally wouldn't see someone. He couldn't tell a doctor about the intricate workings of the village, how the massacre had been a planned event and the pain he was feeling now was because he had seen the devastation and was wondering how he could have ever agreed to be the perpetrator of all that. The self-hatred and constantly lying to everyone around him turning him into a full-time actor was tearing him apart. It was top secret that Itachi was scheduled to be the assassin of his Clan – he could tell no one. No one could help him through the pain. That was why he wouldn't give in to Kakashi's demands to see a doctor.

As for Sasuke…Itachi couldn't quite put his finger on it. Like some people he had doubts about how helpful a doctor could really be in these sorts of situations. But there was more to it. Part of him felt that sending Sasuke to a doctor would be like certifying that there was indeed something wrong with his brother. He would finally have to accept that Sasuke's mind was damaged. He didn't want to acknowledge it though.

Sasuke was eight when he saw his family murdered – there was no question that something like that would leave a deep psychological scar. But scars healed on their own well enough, didn't they?

"Look Itachi," Kakashi said, leaning heavily on the railing of the bridge. "I don't want to see anyone get hurt just because they kept everything bottled up. To be honest it's Sasuke I'm more worried about. He's still so young, and sometimes he gets this look, like he can't see a future anymore or as if he's holding up a huge weight." Ah, the Crushing Despair. Kakashi had seen it too, then.

"I was happy to let you two get your lives back together on your own before but it's not working out, Itachi. I have certain promises to keep, so I'm afraid I have to insist."

Itachi couldn't face it, the thought of having to accept that Sasuke was mentally scarred. And if that was accepted, he would have to acknowledge that if he, Itachi Uchiha, had brought about the death of his Clan as planned, Sasuke would have undoubtedly been traumatised even worse.

But maybe it was time to accept what had happened. Maybe it would be the only way to move on.

"I'll tell you what," he said to Kakashi, but still facing the water, "I'll give it a try. I'll take Sasuke to see someone for a month or two. If he gets better and likes it, we'll keep doing it." He turned to face the white-haired man. "But if I see no progress or if he begs me not to carry on with the sessions, I won't force him." The two stared each other down. Itachi knew Kakashi wanted to insist that, whether Sasuke liked it or not, he should get treatment but eventually nodded his agreement, knowing it was the best he could get out of Itachi.

…

Sasuke, of course, outright refused to talk to a doctor when Itachi spoke to him about it later. Itachi could understand why, because Sasuke wasn't the type who felt comfortable revealing his deepest feelings to family members, let alone a stranger. And because he must have remembered their Father's derisive sniff anytime someone muttered the word 'therapy'.

Fugaku had hated mental treatment practices. He had thought they were for people who were weak of will or were some sort of attention-seeker. Itachi assumed that Sasuke remembered hearing his Father's scathing comments about psychiatrists and those who went to see them which was fuelling his reluctance to cooperate on the issue.

Itachi tried reasoning with him, saying that there was nothing wrong with seeing a doctor and there was no shame in accepting help.

But stubborn Sasuke wouldn't have it. He even resorted to a sort-of begging, promising he wouldn't bother Itachi as much if he didn't send him to Konoha hospital thrice a week.

Itachi had put his foot down, left no room for argument and Sasuke, for a month and a half, went to see a doctor three times a week. It was a difficult time, because Sasuke seemed to be coming home more upset every time he went to see the doctor and at times outright refused to speak to Itachi. It still stung his heart when Itachi remembered what Sasuke had said to him one day after he'd been trying to get the boy to talk to him.

"I thought you didn't care."

"Of course I care," Itachi said, wondering why Sasuke had said that. Surely he didn't believe that?

"That's why you want me to talk to a doctor. You don't like talking to me or being around me." Itachi could have cried right then. All that time, all the times Sasuke came home after sessions looking dejected, and then avoiding Itachi, was because he thought Itachi didn't care about him?

"How could you think that, Sasuke!" Itachi could piece it all together now. Sasuke thought he was doing Itachi a favour by staying out of his way. Refusing to talk to him, spending more time on his own was all because of that?

"So why did you send me to a doctor? I don't want to talk to anyone about what I'm thinking or feeling - apart from you!"

The time it took to convince Sasuke that Itachi still loved and cared about him was painful, because Itachi could only think about how it spoke volumes that, deep down, Sasuke really had believed Itachi was sick of him. He stopped sending Sasuke to see a doctor, despite the apparent progress Sasuke was making and even Sasuke's grudging consent that, if it would make Itachi happy, he would keep going.

Itachi had thought that, together, they would work out their troubles, talk to each other and eventually heal each other, without the help of a professional. He told Kakashi that it wasn't working and that Sasuke was better off talking to him anyway, and the older man had seemed to accept that the brother's would rebuild themselves.

But they hadn't. Always too blind to notice, Sasuke had become more withdrawn as he grew up, stopped talking about how he felt and continued to let the past haunt him.

Now, as Itachi could hear how empty the house was with only himself living there, Kakashi's words came back to him.

Too damn proud.

Edited 3/7/15

Thank you to akasukifangirl, Deathora, Fictionnloverr and Shirayuki Hime999 for reviewing.

akasukifangirl: I'm glad you liked the Shisui chapter. I had to watch the confrontation scene several times over to get the gist of everything but it still never gets old. Haha, I'll try to lay off on the Danzo-hate a little more, I did put it on a bit thick last chapter.

Deathora: Thank you, hopefully you liked the other chapters as well!

Fictionnloverr: Thank you!

Shirayuki Hime999: Ah wow, studying narratology sounds really interesting. That does make me feel a bit better about predictability, thank you! I'm glad you liked the Shisui chapter. I felt really bad about leaving him out before so I feel better now that he's had his part.

Thanks for reading,

Cipher.