Dodging cars faster than the eye could ever see, Mario was quickly making short work of the cops that trailed him by firing giant balls of fire at their helicopters and squad cars. His Super Smash Brothers training paid off as he ran and punched at abnormal heights, making even Bowser look like nothing compared to him.
"PULL OVER! YOU ARE TOO FAST AND DANGEROUS FOR US!" shouted A Squadron chasing after him, failing when they took a corner too sharply.
He was on his way to work when suddenly, the cops pulled him over for being too cool for school, so in response he took down an entire squad of them using nothing but his cap. Then this happened, this awesome beyond comparison chase that would end with his victory.
"Say, where's Mario?" asked Luigi, raising an eyebrow at Cindy who shrugged.
"I haven't seen him, since he tried to break into my house after listening to Guile's theme song," replied Cindy, shrugging as Luigi gave her a blank expression.
"That guy from Street Fighter?" asked Luigi, causing her to nod."Oh boy, how much trouble has he gotten himself into now?"
"Guys!" shouted Sonic, running into the store at normal speed, pointing into the distance." Mario's destroying the cops!"
"Again!?" exclaimed Luigi, causing everyone to look at him. He looked at them in response." Yes, this has happened before! They think being too cool is against the law!"
"MAAAAAAA!" screamed Mario, readying himself for his signature move as a legion of Bowser's forces close in on him."RRRRRRRRR! IIIIIIIIIII! OOOOOOOOOO! HAH!"
From the palm of his thrusted hands came a torrent of fire that devoured everything in its path, nearly wiping out every single one of Bowser's forces. Bowser screamed at the top of his lungs as the Plumber rode into the sunset, too cool for explanation.
"WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERYTIME HE LISTENS TO THAT SONG!?" screamed Bowser at the sky, shooting fireballs at a nearby guard.
The crowd cheered him on as he was devouring burger after burger, faster and cooler than any Yoshi known to man. Even the Rawk Hawk was at a loss of words from this show of pure awesomeness. The Yoshi's started to run away, one by one dazed at this Plumber's awesomeness and cool factor.
"HE'S UNBEATABLE!" shouted Yoshi, falling to his knees while crying hysterically." He's-he's just too awesome!"
"There can only be one awesome man around here, and that's gonna be me, Chuck Norris!" exclaimed Chuck Norris at a desert on a giant red dragon, swords drawn.
Suddenly, the sky became dark with a torrent of rain aiding the loud snapping of thunder and the blinding flashes of lightning; a sign that the awesomeness gods were at war with each other over who was awesome. Mario stood in the desert, a giant blue Yoshi behind him as fire swirled around his feet; dousing him in an unnatural flame-the flame of a fighter.
"Time to kick. Some. Chuck. Norris. SUPER MARIO STYLE!" shouted Mario, jumping in the air, landing on the Yoshi as it flew in the air at Chuck.
"SERIOUSLY WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERYTIME HE LISTENS TO THAT SONG!?" shouted Bowser amidst the destruction of a world, and Chuck Norris.
Then Mario went home to become a family man with Luigi, Peach, Rosalina, and Daisy-his tale of awesomeness living on through the ages.
"And that is how Mario became the Awesome American Family Man," said Luigi, finishing up his story to his fellow co-workers who all gazed at him, mouths hung open.
"Bruh!" gasped Trina, quickly falling to the floor after the entire story that made no sense.
Now, do yourself a favor and become a family man.