A/N: That angst I was talking about? Yeah, it starts in this chapter.
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Thanks as always to my beta AdelaideArcher. Any mistakes are my own.
Chapter 9: Refusals
Fortunately, thanks to Ron, I had a lot of practice ignoring being attracted to male friends. The trick was to distract myself with other things, so I threw myself headlong into learning how to heal and into improving my potion making.
Snape actually turned out to be a much better teacher one-on-one than he was in a classroom. He seemed to have more patience, and his jabs and insults were far less numerous than I remembered. Besides healing spells, which for the most part thankfully involved fewer injuries than when I'd learned Vulnera Sanentur, he also taught me how to make some of the more difficult restorative potions, like Dreamless Sleep Potion and a Curse-Binding Potion.
Things between Professor Snape and me were pretty much normal, following along in a steady routine until one night in early December.
We were just sitting down to our after-dinner tea when I heard footsteps coming from his office. I looked up at Snape, whose lips were turned into a narrow frown as he listened intently.
"Severus, where are you?" called a gruff female voice that I recognised as belonging to Alecto Carrow. Snape's form instantly went rigid on the couch across from me, his hand going to his wand.
"In your bedroom are you?" said Alecto coyly. "How perfect."
"Hide! Quickly!" Snape snapped at me, vanishing the tea set with a flick of his wand, and striding towards the door. I didn't hesitate to follow his instructions, running to the bedroom and pulling Harry's Invisibility Cloak out of the dresser so quickly that two pairs of underwear came flying out with it. I shoved them back hastily and, just as I was about to throw the cloak over my head, I noticed my cot sitting by the wall. Not wanting to leave Snape explaining why there was a second bed in his rooms, I vanished it with a whispered, "Evanesco," then quickly donned the cloak. Tiptoeing beside the wardrobe to ensure I was hidden, I prayed Snape would keep her away lest I be discovered.
"Good evening, Alecto, can I help you?" came Snape's smooth voice as if nothing was wrong.
"Going to let me upstairs?" asked Alecto. "I've always wanted to see your quarters."
"It would be better if we discussed whatever is on your mind in my office," said Snape cooly.
"Oh, don't be such a pussy, Severus," said Alecto, and then I could hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and the door opening into the sitting room. I stiffened under the cloak, my hand gripped tightly on my wand.
"Alecto," said Snape, a tone of warning in his normally silky voice.
"I've been punishing the Longbottom boy," said Alecto, her voice excited and greedy. "It's made me feel rather horny, Severus."
I had to stop myself from sucking in a loud breath, instead swallowing as I sat huddled against the wall. Was Alecto Carrow trying to come on to Snape?
"Oh, don't stare at me like that, Severus. We've had our fun in the past," said Alecto, and I could tell she was trying to sound sexy, but her voice came out in a wheeze. "You've been locking yourself in this tower far too often, Severus. Wouldn't you like to fuck me? I'll let you do me from behind like you enjoy."
Oh fucking hell. This was way too much. Alecto and Snape? I gritted my teeth and suppressed a shudder, horrified at listening further but unable to stop myself.
"Kindly remove your hands from my person, Alecto, before you regret it," hissed Snape dangerously. "I do not want to fuck you."
"You're so tense, Severus. You can Crucio me a bit if it would get you in the mood," said Alecto, apparently not getting the hint.
"Let me make myself perfectly clear: I will not now, nor in the future, ever fuck you again, Alecto," said Snape darkly. "Now kindly get out of my rooms."
"But, Severus!" whined Alecto.
"I said get out, witch!" shouted Snape. "Or I will tell the Dark Lord you are disobeying my orders!"
"Fine, but don't come looking for me for relief when you've got blue balls from Pansy Parkinson," snapped Alecto. "Don't think I haven't seen the little slut flirting with you."
Snape and Pansy-fucking-Parkinson?! I wanted to faint. No, I wanted to scream and then faint.
"Out!" Snape screamed, and I heard the door slam and then the sound of smashing glass and footsteps passing through his office once more.
"You can come out now, Miss Granger," said Snape in a flat voice a few moments later. "It's safe."
Great, and now he's back to 'Miss Granger,' too. He'd been calling me Hermione ever since the night he taught me Vulnera Sanentur.
I took off the cloak and put it in my pocket in case Alecto decided to come back for another attempt, and went back out into the sitting room, where Snape was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace.
"Is everything okay, Professor?" I asked nervously.
"Just wonderful," he said sarcastically.
"Should I get us more tea?"
"Yes, fine," snapped Snape, his brows furrowed into a deep scowl as he continued his steps back-and-forth across the dark wood floor.
I conjured us our normal silver tea set and white cups, and set to pouring us both drinks while I tried to process what I had just heard.
Snape slept with Alecto. Snape fucking slept with Alecto! And Pansy Parkinson was flirting with him too!
Of course, he was an older man. I assumed he would have had sex at least once or twice, if not more. He was human after all; he'd get horny… but Alecto? And Pansy?
This time I did allow myself to shudder. Unfortunately, Snape seemed to notice.
"I suppose you heard all that, did you?" he snapped, stopping his paces to glare at me.
"Yes, sir," I answered, not daring to look him in the eyes.
He slept with Alecto. Fucking Alecto! The one who's been torturing your friends!
An awkward silence filled the room as he continued to stare at me.
"Um, tea?" I asked, holding out his cup. He sighed and took it from me, sitting down forcefully on the sofa so his tea splashed over the side of his mug and onto the floor.
"Miss Granger, I—"
"Please, call me Hermione," I said, forcing myself to look at him. Despite knowing he'd touched her down there, I didn't think I could stand him going back to being so formal with me. I wouldn't let Alecto Carrow ruin the progress in our friendship.
"Hermione," he said, his face now fixed into an emotionless, unreadable stare. He took a sip of his tea before looking at me again. "Hermione, I want you to know, there are things that I've done, that I've needed to do in order to ensure my favour with the Dark Lord. I am not proud of them, but they were necessary at the time."
My eyes widened as I realised he was explaining to me why he had slept with Alecto Carrow: he'd needed to in order to keep his cover. I didn't really understand how the situation might come about, but I wasn't about to question it.
"Sir, you really don't need to justify yourself," I said in a rush, my voice sounding oddly high-pitched in my ears. "Look, it's really none of my business who you sleep with—or flirt with for that matter!"
I saw Snape's jaw tighten and he took another tense sip of his tea.
"While I cannot deny that Miss Parkinson has been rather… overtly friendly with me lately," he said, his black eyes resting on my hands, "I would like to assure you that I would never take advantage of a student. I have never, nor do I intend to… respond to Miss Parkinson's advances," he finished in a gruff voice.
I wondered if Snape refused to look at my face because it was a deep shade of maroon. My night had officially gone from bad to downright bizarre. What was I supposed to say to that: 'Thank Merlin, Professor, I thought you were a sex-crazed sicko that liked to get your jollies off with Death Eaters and students'?
Instead, I opted for a mumbled, "It's really none of my business, sir."
Another awkward silence ensued as we both sipped our tea and stared at the floor. Was this what our evenings were going to be like from now on? Would I sit here and think about Snape rutting Alecto Carrow from behind?
He had to, Hermione. If the Dark Lord put him up to it, he didn't have a choice.
Scrunching my brows, I tried to decide if I even cared that he'd slept with her. Part of me was admittedly disgusted, because she was a sadistic, bigoted Death Eater. But then I wondered how he must have felt being forced to… to do that with her.
I looked up under my brows towards Snape. He was still staring at the floor, his brows creased and his eyes glittering in a look of concern I'd never seen before. And then I realised his look was one of deep shame.
My breath hitched in my throat. He regretted it, and he was ashamed that I'd found out. But why? Did he think that I'd hate him for what he'd done? Even when he was forced to do so to ensure his own survival?
"Sir?" I asked in a wobbly voice. He looked up at me, and I saw another emotion in his bottomless ebony eyes that I'd never seen before: fear.
Was this part of why he hated himself? Part of why he wanted to die? Because of the things he'd been forced to do as a spy?
I took a deep breath and stood up from the sofa, putting my tea down on the coffee table as I passed, and then sat beside him, his eyes following me the whole way.
"Severus," I said, reaching out and putting my hand on his arm. He flinched at my touch, but did not pull away. "I know you'd never do anything inappropriate with your students. And I know you probably have to do a lot of terrible things as a spy. I get it. It's okay."
"Don't be naive," he said darkly, his eyes shifting to blank pools once more. "None of what I must do is okay." He moved his arm out from under my touch, and I brought my hand back to my lap so it didn't fall on his thigh.
"It doesn't mean it's your fault," I said, frowning. What else was this man keeping hidden from everyone? From me?
"Sins of omission," he said simply.
"No, Severus," I said, unsure why I was suddenly using his first name, but thankful he wasn't yelling at me for it. "Look, I've had to do some terrible things too. So has Harry. So has Dumbledore. We all have. That's war!"
Snape turned his head away from me, his long curtain of raven hair partially concealing his face.
"Severus, look at me," I said, my heart pounding in my chest. Why couldn't he see how brave he was? How brilliant he was? How none of us would survive without him?
Feeling desperate to stop the widening gap I felt growing between us, I reached and touched his chin, pulling his face towards me. He did not pull away, but his eyes looked downward in refusal to meet my own.
My body took over at that point. I don't even remember thinking. His jaw was firm beneath my fingers, and I ran my thumb across its edge, feeling a light stubble prickle my skin. Then I was lifting myself forward, licking my lips, and placing them gently over his in a kiss.
I felt his mouth open in response, an exhale of breath against my skin, and I thought for a moment he was going to accept my desire, my attempt to get closer to this brilliant, beautiful man. But then suddenly he grabbed my wrists and pushed me backwards, and flew from the couch in a billow of robes.
He stood in the middle of the room, his eyes wide and filled with a terrifying anger.
"I—I'm sorry, Severus," I stammered. "I don't know what—"
"I do not need your pity, Miss Granger!" he shouted, making me blink.
"Pity? Wha—What are you talking about?" I said, thoroughly confused.
"I will not accept your pitying attempts to make me feel better!" he snapped.
"Pitying attempts to make you feel better?" I asked incredulously. He thought I would kiss him out of sympathy? That I'd throw myself at him out of pity? Who did he think I was?
"Look, I don't know what you think just happened," I said loudly, "but I did not kiss you out of pity. How could you think that?"
He glared at me, apparently taking a moment to appraise my words. "You can't seriously have me believe you wanted to kiss me," he growled.
"Yes, of course I wanted to kiss you! For a month, actually!" I shouted at him. Was that really so hard to understand? Was it such a bad thing he had to throw me away from him and accuse me of being underhanded?
Snape didn't seem to know how to respond to that, and so he spun on his heels and began pacing back and forth in front of me. I stared at him, not sure entirely what was going on.
This evening has got to be some kind of joke, I thought. Some kind of nightmare. Wake up, Hermione! Wake up!
But it wasn't a joke or a nightmare, and in a few minutes Snape stopped and looked at me again, his face blank and passive once more.
"Miss Granger, there are conditions, when you're forced to be with someone for a long period of time," said Severus smoothly, and I knew exactly what he was going to say next. I felt bile rising into my throat, and a sharp pain my chest as if he'd sliced my heart open as easily as he'd carved his own arm during our healing practice.
"…You can think you have certain feelings, Miss Granger," he was saying, but I barely heard it. "It's lonely in the tower, and I am the only person available—"
"No!" I screamed, cutting him off. I was suddenly blind with rage. "How dare you! How dare you insult and disrespect me!"
"Miss Granger, I—" said Snape, looking taken aback by my sudden onslaught of anger.
"My name is Hermione!" I shouted, glaring at him. "I kissed you because I like you! I am not some weak child who doesn't know their own emotions! I don't kiss people out of pity! And I am certainly not some Slytherin Death Eater whore who flirts with or fucks people because they're lonely and horny!"
Snape looked really concerned now. His eyebrows were raised, and his eyes were glittering with fear once more.
"Fuck you!" I yelled, unable to stop myself, tears falling from my eyes. "Pity and loneliness! As if! You stupid, ignorant fool! How can you say those things to me? What have I ever done to make you think so little of me?"
And with that I ran into the bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I screamed as I conjured a new cot for myself, giving it bright red bedclothes instead of its normal grey.
How dare he! Pity him! Because I was lonely! How dare he!
This man was supposed to be brilliant, was supposed to be able to read minds! Couldn't he see I liked him, cared for him, desired him honestly? Couldn't he see how I looked at him during our lessons and over tea? Couldn't he tell that every time he said my name or I watched his hands, I wanted him a little more?
I vaguely remember hearing the click of the door, but only buried my face farther into my pillow as I cried.
Leave me alone, I thought. Leave me alone.
I heard the door shut quietly and felt relief. I couldn't handle facing him right now, after being so grievously insulted. But it was more than that; I felt rejected. And shouldn't I have known that was what was going to happen? He'd just said he would never take advantage of a student. And that's clearly all I was to him: an annoying student who'd forced her way into his rooms and his life; someone to be put up with for eight months until he could die in peace like he wanted.
I thought I was his friend. I thought, maybe, he might see me as something other than the insufferable know-it-all. But I was wrong.
There was no doubt about it. I'd kissed Severus Snape, and he'd refused me completely.