Upon returning to the ship, everyone went their separate ways. They had somewhere to be, so the ship left the planet as quickly as it came. The night cycle had begun and all of the crew retired to their bunks. Rose couldn't get any rest, as she had an overwhelming urge to talk to River. She wasn't sure why or what good could come of it, but she just wanted to see her. Maybe try to explain why she was acting like she was.
However, River did not answer her knock. She was in the room, which Rose knew, but she couldn't face Rose. She was too busy trying to maintain some semblance of stability and fall into a peaceful sleep. Now even more frazzled, Rose backed off and went directly to the engine room for that powerful wine. Getting drunk seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somewhere between her second glass and her third, Zoe wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water. She raised an eyebrow at Rose's behavior. "Drinking alone isn't a good idea."
"Then, take a seat. There's enough to go 'round."
Zoe sat across from her since wine did sound appealing. Rose poured her a drink and she carefully studied the newest member of the crew. "Something wrong?"
"What? Wrong? What gave you that idea?"
"You're hitting it pretty hard over there."
"Oh, well, I've spent time in the pubs."
"Pubs," she wasn't sure if she knew that word or not. "From looks of it, you spent a lot of time there."
Silence fell and Zoe's curious eyes finally wore her down, along with the pouring of her fourth cup. "So. You know, I traveled with this man. Alien man. Very attractive. Just brilliant. All the way 'round. We had this life together. Such a fantastic life. Always getting in trouble. You know how that is."
Zoe was entertained by Rose's accented slur, so she could only hum to keep her amusement hidden.
"And, I loved him. I really, really loved him. Most I ever loved anyone. And then. Just. Wham. Lost him. Just like that. Worst pain I've ever felt. Ever. Seriously thought that I'd die. Didn't think I could go on. I tried. I did. But life. It was so bloody boring. So, I wanted back. I wanted him. Landed on this place," Rose patted the table and took another sip. "It's all so weird here. And, there's this…person. This person that I really, really like."
Zoe smirked as Rose took another swig.
"Really, really like. But, it's so hard. I mean. I loved that alien. That gorram hair. Just perfect. You shoulda seen it. Don't even know how he got it so great all the time. What was I saying? Oh. Yeah, so, I think my whole life—whole—that this bloke is it. The one. You know what I mean? But, now? Now, I mean, I love him. I do. He was brilliant. But, this. It's so. I can't even describe it. It's just. Incredible. But. Can't seem to get with it. I was so confident before. I'd just go charging into things. No fear. Nothing. Not that it always worked out."
Zoe was actually going to say something, but Rose kept going.
"I'm so scared. Like. I can't move. My feet are just stuck. Glued right to this floor. Not really. But, you know that. Anyway, this person went and got in my head. I don't know anything anymore. I really, really, really like h…this person. And, I think that I feel. And I have feeled. For a long time. And. I know that. That I want. But, I know that I'd. Again. And I don't know if I should. I don't want to lose R…this person. Don't want to hurt like that. It'd be just terrible. Well bad. You know?"
Again, Zoe went to speak and Rose spoke through a splash of wine.
"But, it's so complicated. Or maybe I'm making it complicated. Do you make things complicated? I know that I have. I feel like that's kind of a girl thing. But, even if. If I got with it. Just went for it. I've been so horrible. A real nutter. Complete prat. I know that. I hurt Ri…this person. Bad. Real bad. I didn't mean to. I was just scared. I think I said that already. But, it's true. It's because I like h…this person. So much. Too much. Thought I'd hurt. And sh…this person. Would hurt too. But, that's what I'm doing, innit? Just hurtin' everybody. No thought. Selfish me. How can I even make up for that? Guess it doesn't matter. We lose everybody anyway."
Zoe confiscated the wine with an understanding smirk. "I follow you."
"Do you? That's a miracle."
"I know a thing or two about losing people. You don't forget them, but you find a way to go forward. There's a saying from the war. If you can't walk, you crawl. If you can't crawl, you find someone who will carry you. It means that you don't give up and you keep going. Keep flying. Even if you have to find someoneto help you go on."
"That's good," Rose nodded in approval. "But, what if you're afraid that you'll fall again?"
"You will. You can count on it. We just do the best we can. Everyone makes mistakes. It's what you do after them that matters. So, what made you brave enough to be with that man of yours?"
"Well, we weren't ever really together like that. I wanted to be. But, he wouldn't have gotten around to it. I don't think."
"Why's that?"
"Well, I think that he was scared."
"Of what?"
"Losing me. Hurting…" she stopped and understood. "Blimey, I'm doing the same thing."
"Pain is better than regret," Zoe patted her on the shoulder and slid the wine towards her. "Take it easy. Captain won't like it if you're hungover."
"Bit late for that. Thanks, Zoe. Really."
"Thanks for the wine."
Zoe went back to her bunk and Rose opted for the couch near the kitchen instead of taking the stairs. She blacked out in a matter of minutes. Once everyone else was awake, she woke to Mal standing over her with folded arms. The bright lights hurt her eyes and his expression cut right through her.
"Party hard last night, blondie?"
"You're just miffed that you weren't invited."
He huffed and went to the breakfast table. Rose pieced together her conversation with Zoe and all of the feelings that had rolled about her mind since she laid eyes on River. Pain is better than regret. She knew that she did have feelings for River, and she knew that the thought of being with River in itself was something that she couldn't deny. It was the fear that kept them apart.
But, should it? She saw herself with River in her head. Hands holding onto each other, heads resting on shoulders, slumber beside one another, sweet kisses, heated arguments, hard times—it was all there. And, she flustered at other thoughts in her mind, the sort of thoughts that a lady would never disclose.
Months now. That's how long they had known each other. That's how long they had to grower closer and fonder. Rose had felt something there at the start, butterflies or lightning or something, but she never asked why. Somewhere, she knew the answer, and she did everything she could to ignore it.
Yet, she never doubted how right it felt to be beside River Tam. She still didn't. She only doubted herself. It was time to stop hiding. If she were going to be heartbroken again, she figured that River would always be worth every crack in her heart. She was worth everything.
It only took ages, bit of self-destruction, and a swift kick in the bum from Zoe to come to her senses. Hopefully, she could make up for being such a nightmare over the last few days. She couldn't have ruined things beyond repair. She couldn't have missed her chance. But, for all she knew, she could have done both. She hoped beyond hope that she would not be too late.
Only one way to find out. She had to find River.
But, River wasn't at the breakfast table. Rose tried to find her, yet it seemed that River was avoiding her. It was true. River knew where Rose would be, so she left before she got there. She had done her best to tune out Rose's thoughts, as they became too harmful to handle. Thus, she completely missed the conversation with Zoe and everything in Rose's somewhat hungover head.
After checking almost everywhere, Rose wandered the cargo bay. She saw a few of their smuggling nooks after jobs, so she checked those first. Though she considered calling River's name, she knew that she had to be thick to expect it to work. The reader was clearly avoiding her. Rose wasn't about to have that.
Once she searched every inch of the cargo bay, she discovered that River was not there. However, she paused outside of a door. It went to a shuttle, according to Kaylee's tour of the ship long ago. Rose never had a reason to check, and she wagered that River was counting on that.
River was seated in the pilot's chair of the shuttle when she felt Rose outside. There was nowhere to run, so she had to prepare herself for Rose's entrance. She chided herself for underestimating the reasoning capabilities of the pink and yellow woman, and she chided herself for believing that she could escape anything that she felt for Rose Tyler.
Speaking of Rose Tyler, she figured out how to open the doors and relaxed when the back of River's head was in view. That was the most exhausting game of hide and seek that Rose had played, and she certainly had never been this emotionally invested in the outcome since her pride was on the line in primary school.
Rose stood behind the pilot's chair and tried to figure out how to start the chat. She never thought that it could be so hard to piece thoughts and words and feelings together. She knew that it was hard, but this was insanity. Well, she figured that she was acting a bit insane lately. A lot insane. Completely mental. What fear can do to a person…
"Can I help you?" River politely asked in a hushed tone.
"Yeah," Rose cleared her throat and couldn't help counting the visible scars on River's body. It was a way to buy more time. She had to do this. She could. She was going to. In a second. One more. All right, just out with it. "I was wondering if…I mean, I'd like to talk. To you. Obviously. That's why I'm here."
"You'd like to be best mates again?"
Rose was surprised by this. "You don't know what I'm going to say?"
"Haven't been listening. Too damaging."
That hit like a slug to the chest. "Rivy, I wanted to say that. Well, I've been a complete muppet."
"Noted."
"I'm serious. I'm so sorry for everything. I didn't…I'd never want to hurt you and I know that I have and I wish I could take it back. Hop in the TARDIS and redo the whole thing."
"Can't damage timelines. Makes the world get eaten."
"All right. Forget the time travel bit. I want to make things right. I'll do whatever it takes to make it right. Really. I shouldn't have been like that. I am so, so sorry. I seriously hate myself for it. All of it."
"Also noted."
"You know, you aren't exactly making this easy."
"You're the one who said it wasn't."
"I said simple. Not easy."
"Synonym."
"You're maddening, you know that? Here I am trying to say something and you won't listen."
"You didn't hear anything River said to you."
"Don't slip into third person on me, River Tam. I was listening. Not well, but I was listening."
River said nothing. Rose had enough. That was it. No more words. Just going to jump in with both feet. Go back to her days of charging into everything without hesitation. Bring out that Tyler tenacity. Thus, she rolled her eyes and stormed to the door. She slammed it shut and River glanced in her direction. Rose came closer with authority, and her arms went to River's shoulders.
Rose was the one to kiss River.
But, River didn't allow it to loiter. She wasn't sure of Rose's intentions, and she wanted to hear them from Rose herself. Not Rose's mind. And, she was going to. Rose Tyler was wound up and ready to roll.
"Now that I have your attention, I've got to tell you something. You and me. That's what I want. Which I should have figured out. Before now. Way, way before now. I'll seriously have a nervous breakdown if I keep trying to ignore it, and…I just can't get you out of my head. At all. For any reason. I've acted like an idiot and I am so sorry about that. I just. Things were terrifying. Because you mean so much. Everything, really. It's not an excuse or anything. Just an explanation for my rotten behavior. So. There it is."
River still said nothing.