A/N: Thank you to my beta reader AdelaideArcher. Mistakes are my own.

Chapter 13: The Draw of Escape

I rummaged through the dresser drawer filled with Severus's trinkets, finally lifting the torn photo of Lily from its depths. I stared at the woman who had captured Severus's heart so completely, and wondered what it was about her that made her unforgettable to so many men; to the man I now loved.

Her smile was beautiful, crinkling her eyes with joy. But it couldn't be as simple as not being beautiful enough. There was something I was missing. Something that made men intimidated and untrusting; something that made friends hard to come by; something that made me worse than dead.

There was no way I could ever make a man feel so much love and desire for me as Lily Evans. Ron, the one man who claimed to love me, didn't trust me worth a damn, got angry and jealous over nothing; what sort of love was that?

But maybe it was the best I could hope for. I'd never have Severus, that was sure. Not his brilliance, nor his affection, nor his heart. The most I could hope for was his sexual desire, and I didn't hate myself enough to be his whore. Not yet anyway.

Pathetic, Hermione. You're pathetic.

I shoved the photo back in the drawer where it came from, hiding the beautiful smile of Severus's love, and looked up into the mirror. I was met with expressionless eyes, like dark sand at the bottom of the sea, unmoved by waves and touched by nothing but time.

With a deep sigh I turned away from my reflection and went and sat on my cot. It was the middle of the afternoon, not even yet a full day since Severus and I had talked, and I'd spent the morning alternating between sleep and staring at the ceiling, trying to block out Severus's voice from his office below. Logically, I knew I was depressed and already grieving for the man who would die in only a little over four months from now. But logic wasn't going to make me feel better, and it wasn't going to help keep Severus alive.

The way things were going, I honestly wasn't sure I could cope with seeing him again with the knowledge that he was still determined to die. I didn't think my broken heart could handle the stress. It was already crumbling, the feeling of hopelessness only building as I sat in his rooms amongst his things, his smell, his magic.

So leave.

The thought had entered my mind before, this morning and yesterday, but I'd dismissed it because of the danger, because Dumbledore had said to stay hidden. But what did Dumbledore know, anyway? He was the one who sent me on this impossible mission in the first place.

I knew how to hide. I'd done it all last year with Harry and Ron. I still had my beaded bag and the tent, even. The only thing I needed was food, and I was sure I could scrounge that up somehow. I'd learned things on the run.

Feeling something other than hopelessness for the first time in days, I got to packing my things into the beaded bag.

While I was emptying my drawer, I tried to decide the best way to escape the castle. I'd have to at least make it out of Hogwarts in order to Apparate. I didn't have a broom, so I couldn't fly out the window, which only left sneaking through the castle in Harry's cloak. It was probably safest to do it at night, which unfortunately meant I'd need to see Severus one more time before I left.

It would be tricky, as I knew Snape was a light sleeper and set his wards before going to bed, but if I could get enough of a head start, I figured I could get away before he could follow me—if he even bothered to follow me, of course.

I decided, at the very least, I should leave him a note explaining that I'd gone, so I picked up a pen and a piece of parchment, scribbling out a message for him.

Severus,

I'm sorry for bothering you these last months. I know now that I will never change your mind about your death—something I'm sure you wish I'd come to understand sooner. I am leaving tonight, and won't be back.

Perhaps I should have listened to you when I arrived and left then, but I can't help but feel glad I got the chance to know you better. I hope, perhaps, there were some moments when you enjoyed my company too.

To be clear, I'm not leaving because of what happened between us the other night. I will never regret that. I'm leaving only because I can't bear to watch you die again.

Thank you for all that you've taught me, and for everything you've done and will do to protect me. I'll never forget you, and will think of you often when you're gone.

My love always,

Hermione

I folded it and put it in my pocket, and would find a place to leave it for him later. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was almost dinner, and so shoved my beaded bag in the pocket of my robes next to the letter and headed out into the sitting room to eat and wait for Severus.

Luck was with me, as it would have it, for after dinner a house elf popped into the room holding a letter, saying Severus had been called away and did not expect to be back before midnight.

With a slight pang of guilt, I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to face him, and prayed that the Dark Lord would not choose tonight to torture Severus. At least I knew the cupboard was well-stocked with potions if he needed anything.

I waited until after the student curfew at nine o'clock before making a final check of the rooms for anything I might have forgotten, and put my note to Severus on his pillow.

Scanning the room where I'd spent the last four months, my eyes drifted to the crammed bookshelves. Making a split decision, I took Severus's copy of Essentials of Healing from the shelf and shoved it into my beaded bag, thinking that one day I'd appreciate having something material to remember Severus by.

Finally I slipped on the Invisibility Cloak, and with a deep breath to set my courage, opened the door to Severus's offices and slipped down the stairs.

The corridors were quiet, and I met no one on my way out of the castle. It was slightly odd seeing the building in its undamaged state; the last time I had moved through Hogwarts, it had been blasted and burned to a fragment of its former glory. Now, though, it looked at it always had, strong and serene in the chill night air.

Despite the reason I was leaving, it felt good to get outside. My feet pounded strongly against the path down to the gates, only the occasional hoot of an owl and the sound of my feet crunching on the gravel disturbing the silence. As I passed by the winged boars, I concentrated hard on my destination, and Apparated away from Hogwarts with a soft crack.

Perhaps my chosen destination was an odd one, considering the circumstances. But I was curious, and I had nowhere in particular I needed to be, and so I arrived on the riverbanks of Cokeworth, the cloak still wrapped around me.

Severus had told me a little about his hometown—enough that I felt confident I could Apparate to it without ever travelling there before—but I wanted to see it for myself. It was the last piece of discovery I would allow myself before trying to begin the arduous process of moving on.

The place was dark, lit only by some bare steel lampposts nearby and the light of the moon, which gave a murky glow to the underbrush and the willow trees that lined the snake of slow-moving water. Beyond the river I could see a large mill tower and the roofs of rows and rows of identical houses.

Deciding to stay under the cloak for now, I scrambled up the riverbank towards the houses, thinking they were rather more like hovels than homes: most had boarded up windows, with the grout between the bricks barely holding them together, the roofs covered in moss and peeling slate tiles.

I walked for some time, thinking Severus really had described the place well when he'd told me no one would ever want to live here. It was a working slum, and it could not have made growing up in a poor and dysfunctional household any easier.

I also realised that amongst these rows of dilapidated boxes, Lily's smile would have shone even more brightly.

Shaking my head as the hopelessness threatened to overwhelm me once more, I decided it was time to leave, and set myself a new destination.

I Apparated into the dark shadow of a tor, a large rocky outcrop in the middle of the moorlands of Devon. I'd been here once before with my parents, and though I knew tors were popular amongst Muggle climbers, I thought that this one was more than likely remote enough and the season dreary enough that I shouldn't be bothered.

It was misting heavily, and I quickly set to placing protective charms and wards around my campsite before pitching the tent and getting out of the rain. I groaned a little to no longer have the comforts of Hogwarts, but at least here Severus did not sleep across from me.

Saying a little prayer that the Dark Lord was only speaking with Severus this evening, I curled up on the cot and shut my eyes.

Just four more months. Four more months and Severus will be gone, Voldemort will be dead, and you can return to Hogwarts and move on.

I fell asleep with tears still slipping from beneath my eyelids.