A/N: Thank you for all the awesome reviews! For those wondering if you will get to see what Snape is thinking: except for his dialogue and actions, no, you won't. The whole fic is 100% first person from Hermione's perspective. So, you'll just have to figure things out along with her, I'm afraid.
And now for more angst (It won't last forever, I promise)!
Thanks to my beta, AdelaideArcher. Any mistakes are my own.
Chapter 15: Truth and Madness
"LET ME GO!" I screamed as my feet hit solid ground. His arms released me and I flung myself backwards, nearly crashing into the sofa.
Wanting nothing more than to escape these rooms, I tried Apparating away, but felt my magic pushed back against me and hit me like a slap. I went nowhere.
In a full panic, I cried out in desperation and flew to the door, pulling frantically at the doorknob only to find it would not budge.
"Alohamora!" I yelled, waving my wand and yanking it harder, but the door remained locked and solid.
I was trapped. Oh Gods, I was trapped! He was going to make me live through his death!
No, no, no, no, no!
"LET ME OUT! LET ME GO!" I screamed at Severus, who remained standing in the middle of the room where he'd landed, surveying me with a dark look.
"I cannot allow you to leave, Hermione," he said smoothly, his eyes registering no emotion.
"NO! NO, I CAN'T STAY HERE!" I screamed, feeling like a bird locked in a cage, its wings beating helplessly at the bars. My fingers scraped against the door and I shook my head so hard my curls flew around me as if they were enchanted with a wild wind.
"Well maybe you should have thought about that before you came here in the first place and destroyed your Time Turner!" he snapped, baring his teeth in a dangerous frown.
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME?" I shouted, still banging helplessly at the door, each punch of my fists weaker than the last.
"I am not torturing you!" Severus growled.
"PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME GO!" I wailed, slumping against the door and burying my face in my hands. My body shook violently as a deep terror at what I would have to witness rushed through me, and I felt sure I was going to explode if I didn't get away.
"PLEASE! I CAN'T WATCH YOU DIE AGAIN! PLEASE!" I cried. I heard Severus breathe out in a loud hiss and take a step towards me.
"Is that really why you left?" he asked.
"Of course it's why I left!" I choked out between sobs, my eyes scrunched tightly closed but not stopping the tears from streaming down my cheeks. "I've failed you, Severus! I can't save you! I can't watch you die again! Not now! I can't! I CAN'T!"
"You haven't failed me, Hermione," said Severus, his voice suddenly soft. I heard his feet shuffling towards me and chanced looking up. His robes billowed outwards as he knelt in front of me, his face etched with concern. I startled as his proximity and cowered against the door, too afraid of what I might see or do.
"Yes I have," I moaned, pressing my face against the dark wood and closing my eyes. "You're going to die, Severus."
"My death is not up to you, Hermione," he said, his voice like a slowly flowing river. "It's not a matter of failure."
"Then let me go," I begged in a whine. "Don't make me watch. Don't make me remember."
"I can't let you go, Hermione," he said. "I need to keep you safe."
"How can you say that when you want to die?" I cried.
"Because my death and your death are not the same," he said with a frown. "You must live."
"Hypocrite," I said lowly, and Severus sighed.
"Calling me names is not going to make things any easier for you," Severus said in a warning tone, standing once more and looming over me. I felt a small ripple of emotion in my veins, and tilted my head to face him. He was scowling at me, and to anyone else his eyes might have appeared as blank as a starless midnight sky, and yet I could see the anger there, and a touch of fear, hiding in their depths like some faraway planet.
I shifted on the floor, drawing myself up slightly.
"Don't you see?" I said, glaring at him. "Easy or hard, it doesn't matter. The ending is the same. That's all that matters, Severus. All that matters to me is what happens after that fucking snake bites you in the Shrieking Shack." The more I spoke the more emotion bubbled through my system, and suddenly I was angry, and desperate, and very much in love.
"Then you really are a stupid girl," Severus spat, his upper lip curling away from his teeth in a sneer.
I pulled myself upright, still shaking but determined now.
"At least I'm not willing to throw my life away over someone who never even loved me!" I shouted. Severus visibly bristled at the mention of Lily, and I half hoped he would try to attack me just so I could expel some of the emotions now pouring through me as if a dam had been breached.
"Aren't you? Isn't that exactly what you're doing?" he hissed in a low voice. He stepped forward, crushing me against the door with his body, his hands pinning my wrists beside my head. I didn't struggle, but glared back at him, refusing to back down. He leaned his face so close to mine I could feel his hot breath on my cheek as he growled, "And what happens when I hurt you again? When I push you away? Are you still going to love me then?"
"Always," I whispered.
"You're a liar," he growled, and I laughed at the absurdity of it all, of loving this man who would never accept it, who was so determined to die.
"You can't control other people's emotions, Severus," I said, squirming against him. "The only way you can stop me from loving you is to kill me."
"Don't push me, witch," he spat, his face twisted and deranged.
"Go fuck yourself," I whispered with a dangerous smile.
"I'd rather fuck you," he said, pushing his body against mine so I was well and truly unable to move.
"Now who's lying?" I said, more than willing to play his game. "We can't be together, remember? Or have you suddenly decided it's okay to betray your love?"
"I'm going to hurt you," he said, pressing the side of his face against mine. His breath was blowing hard against my ear, sending delightful tingles down my neck. My heart was pounding in my chest, a line of bright fire burning in me where our bodies touched.
"No you're not," I said quietly, not moving a muscle despite my urge to grind myself against him. "You're a good man, Severus. That's why I can't bear to watch you die."
Severus didn't answer me, but his hands tightened around my wrists, his nose pressing forcefully against my cheek.
"I love you, Severus," I whispered, and I nuzzled my nose and lips against his face as best I could, most of my movement restrained beneath the force of his body and hands. His jaw was prickly with stubble, and I scraped it against my flesh, desperate to feel him.
"No," he said, his quiet voice a moan of pain.
"Yes, Severus. I love you. I have loved you for months. The thought of losing you makes my world collapse," I said, and felt a pair of hot tears dribble down my cheek. I kissed his jaw, then pushed my head forward so my lips were next to his ear.
"I know how you feel, Severus. I know it exactly," I whispered. "The thought of failing you makes me want to die."
"No, Hermione," he begged, his voice muffled against my neck.
"Yes, Severus," I said, smiling through my tears. "So hurt me, or fuck me, or do whatever else you want to me. Because if you really want to die, I want to die too."
"Don't say that," whispered Severus, his mouth against my neck.
"It's true," I said, refusing to take it back.
"You shouldn't love me," he said desperately.
"It's too late for that," I said with a smile. I kissed the soft spot in front of his ear, allowing my lips to linger. "I'll love you until the day I die. Make it now, if you like. It doesn't matter in the end."
Severus's body shuddered against mine and he pressed himself against me further, so hard I could barely breathe. His hands pushed my wrists up until they were above my head, and my shoulders ached as they twisted in their sockets. Severus's lips brushed against my jugular, and I shivered involuntarily.
I wasn't sure if he was purposely trying to hurt me, but I didn't really care. The anger of earlier had faded to a blissful melancholy; love, despair, and desire tangled in my blood like the vines of a wild rose. An ache of wanting had been steadily building in my groin the longer I remained pinned beneath him, and now that the truth was out, I found I had nothing to lose.
"Let Lily go, Severus," I begged, wriggling beneath him in an effort to bring my lower body closer to his. "Please, take me. Please."
"I can't," he said, even as his mouth began trailing circles against my neck, his hot breath thick and laboured.
"Lily never loved you, Severus. I do. So take me. I'm yours, Severus," I said, closing my eyes. "I'll always be yours. Please."
His hips came forward against me and I could feel his erection through our clothes. I thrust my body forward as much as I could, my underwear soaked with desire beneath my robes, and attempted to rub myself against him.
"Severus," I moaned.
His lips captured my neck, biting and suckling in a way I was sure would leave a deep maroon mark.
"Yes, mark me. I'm yours. Claim me," I panted, grinding my hips upward. "Severus…"
"Mine," he whispered, before making another mark further down my neck.
"Yes, yes I'm yours," I moaned, delirious with my desire. "Please, Severus, I want you."
Severus brought his head up so he was staring at me and thrust me hard against the door, placing his thigh against my crotch and grinding it upwards so I cried out in pleasure.
"Fuck me, Severus, please," I whimpered, my body thrumming with need.
Severus moved to claim my mouth with his. His lips pressed into mine greedily, and I pushed back with equal need. Hungry to taste him, my tongue slipped into his mouth and he did not deny me, his own quickly greeting mine with a sloppy swirl that sent a pulse through my centre.
He moved my wrists so he could clutch them both with one hand, the other running down my side and grabbing at my breast, making me moan into his mouth.
He growled as he found my hard nipple underneath my robes while suckling my lower lip, but his roar quickly turn into a cry of pain, and he jumped backwards, releasing me as if he'd been electrocuted.
At first I thought he was pushing me away as he had before, but then I noticed him clutching his left arm, his face a mixture of fear and desire.
"Not now, Severus," I begged, shaking my head emphatically as my arms dropping to my sides.
"I'm sorry," Severus said with regret, and then he Disapparated in front of me with a loud crack.
"You goddamn snake-faced tyrant!" I screamed in frustration and pounded my fists against the door. A bang echoed through the room, but it did not bring Severus back to me.