A/N: Thanks to my beta, AdelaideArcher. Any mistakes are mine.

Chapter 16: Dark Desires

I waited around filled with a mixture of anxiety, confusion, anger, sadness, and sexual frustration, praying this would not be a night that the Dark Lord sent Severus home bruised and bloody—I did not need yet another emotion to mix with the rest.

After our entanglement at the door, I had no idea where we stood. I studied the two bright maroon marks on my neck in the bathroom mirror, fogged from my bath. I allowed my fingers to trace their blotchy edges, smiling slightly as I remembered him calling me his, filled with hope at what that might have meant.

The question was, did he still want to die? What would I do if he did? I'd let him fuck me senseless, that was sure; I wanted him too badly to deny him, even if it was not the love making I truly wished for.

Questions and emotions still roiling inside me, I finally gave up waiting for Severus sometime after midnight and crawled into my cot.

I was startled awake by the sound of Severus stumbling into the room, his feet heavy on the floor. I opened my eyes to see him clutching his stomach as if in pain, his other arm hanging loosely at his side.

"Severus, what's wrong?" I asked, jolting awake with a surge of adrenaline. I slipped quickly from my bed and went to his side. When he didn't answer, I touched his left shoulder and he moaned in pain, almost falling to the floor.

"Sit down on the bed before you collapse," I said, and he fell into a seated position on the mattress, hissing as his left arm was jolted limply against the edge.

"I need to take your robes off to get a better look," I said, already knowing that he was bleeding by the shiny wetness that covered them.

"Just fucking vanish them," growled Severus, his hair covering his face.

I raised my wand and concentrated on his torn and blood-stained robes. "Evanesco," I said, and they disappeared, leaving Severus naked except for his underwear. Another wave of my wand and the candles in the sconces on the wall burst to life so I could look at Severus's injuries properly.

"Merlin, what did he do to you?" I gasped, looking at Snape's battered body. His arm hung limply from its socket, a strange bulge on the front side of his shoulder, which was slowly turning a deep shade of purple. There were a dozen or so fresh slashes over his chest and belly, open and dripping blood. One across his stomach looked particularly bad, stretching from one side to the other and cut deeply into his flesh.

Severus's face was ashen white, his eyes moving in and out of focus. How he had managed to get back to his rooms, let alone Hogwarts, I had no idea.

I could feel the panic rising inside me, but I pushed it away, summoning several bottles of potions to my hands from the other room. I forced two Blood-Replenishing Potions and a Calming Draught to his lips, tipping them into his mouth. His body relaxed slightly as the Calming Draught took effect, and I set to work on healing the cuts.

I pointed my wand at the deep wound on his stomach, focusing hard as I sang Severus's beautiful spell just as he'd taught me. I felt my magic being pulled through my wand as the the blood that dripped from the wound slowed and then stopped. The second time I said it the wound began knitting itself together, and the third time sealed it into a thick pink, puckered line. I then repeated the process with the other dozen cuts.

"Dittany," said Severus quietly, and I followed his instructions, applying the salve to his tender skin before turning my attention to his shoulder.

"Can you move it at all?" I asked, to which Severus shook his head.

I gently touched the joint, making Severus hiss in pain. It looked wrong, somehow, a large lump appearing where it should have been smooth. "I think it's dislocated," I said. "I know the spell, but I've never done it before."

"Do it," said Severus, still sounding very weak. "You'll need to straighten my arm."

"Won't that hurt?"

"Do it!" Severus snapped.

I took Severus's wrist in my hand, grasping it tightly. Severus gritted his teeth as I pulled it gently to the side so his arm went flat. He groaned softly but did not move. Worried about how much pain he must he in, I quickly pointed my wand at the ball joint that was poking out under his flesh, focused on moving it back into its socket, and said the spell, "Junctura Uno." His arm pulled away from my hand as it fit back into the joint with a loud pop. Severus moaned and fell towards me, and I caught him in my arms, cradling him gently.

"Lie back," I said, helping him to lie on the bed. I pulled the covers over him and brushed the hair from his face.

"Thank you," he grunted, and there was a softness in his eyes I had not seen before.

"Take this," I said, pressing a bottle of Dreamless Sleep Potion to his lips. "You need to rest." Severus swallowed it thankfully, his eyes closing as he fell into a deep sleep.

I sat by his side for some time, watching him sleep and wondering what he had done to deserve such a violent outburst from Voldemort, what would have happened if I had not been here to heal him.

Of course the stubborn bastard would have tried to heal himself.

I thought about returning to my own bed, but found I could not leave his side. Sitting on the edge of his bed, I tucked the comforter around him more tightly, then sat and simply studied his face. The deep creases that normally carved between his eyes and beside his mouth were gone, his curving lips partly open, revealing a sliver of his crooked teeth beyond; it gave his visage a surprisingly soft look despite the overlarge nose in the middle of it. A stray piece of hair lay across his forehead and over one eye, and I gently tucked it behind his ear, then brushed my fingers down one sharp cheekbone, unable to restrain a small smile as I thought of what acerbic curse Snape might hurl my way for doing so if he was conscious.

Deciding I couldn't quite bear to be away from him during the night in case he needed something, and since he was too unconscious to complain, I quietly crawled into bed next to him, hoping he wouldn't be mad at me in the morning. If he was, I figured I could make a fairly sound argument considering had Voldemort not summoned him I would have ended up in his bed anyway—and doing far more intimate things than sleeping.

I curled up under the covers so I was facing him as he slept, and reached out and touched his pale cheek, which was surprisingly warm. After watching his chest rise and fall for several minutes, quiet confirmation that he was alive, I closed my eyes, feeling a wave of tiredness come over me. Within moments, I was asleep.

When I awoke the next morning, Severus was still sleeping, his black hair draped over the pillow like tangled string. I carefully extricated myself from the bed so I wouldn't wake him, and tiptoed into the sitting room, where a tray of breakfast had been left by the elves. I ate my breakfast in silence, one ear trained toward the bedroom in case Severus awoke, and thought about his injuries.

From the magnitude of scars that striped his lithe frame, it was obvious that Voldemort's torturous evenings were not a new event. How long had Severus been suffering in silence, unbeknownst to me, his other students, or the staff? Did Dumbledore know before he died what Severus endured at the hands of his other master?

I sighed, feeling my heart twinge for the man I was not sure would ever allow himself to be loved the way I wished to show him. Whatever mistakes he might have made, no one deserved the harsh life he was now living, and it hurt me to know that no one realised what he put himself through to help us.

I heard him stirring in the bedroom a little while later, and picked up the breakfast tray before making my way back into the room to check on my patient.

"Don't you dare get out of bed," I said as I saw Severus sitting up. He glared at me as I brought the tray to him and set it in his lap. Noticing his shoulders were unsupported, I summoned the pillow from my cot and placed it behind him so he could lean back comfortably, which he did but not without a growl of complaint.

"Eat," I said, sitting down at the end of the bed.

"Bloody nag," he hissed, but began to nibble on a piece of bacon.

"Are you going to tell me what happened last night?" I asked.

Severus scowled at me, apparently trying to decide if he should answer my question.

"Call it an early birthday present," he said cryptically.

"It's your birthday soon?" I asked.

"January 9. If you expect a party you will be sorely disappointed," he drawled.

I busied myself by casting some anti-inflammatory and bruise-reducing spells on Severus's shoulder while he finished his breakfast, then picked up his tray and took it over to the dresser, finally returning and taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"So, what happened last night?" I asked as he settled back against his pillows once more.

"You told me that your friend Luna would be all right when I arranged for her to be taken to Malfoy Manor," he said.

"Yes," I replied.

"You, Potter, and Weasley escaped from her father's place yesterday."

"I remember," I said, recalling blowing up the man's house in order to get away. "But why did the Dark Lord attack you?"

"Losing Potter twice in five days has not put him in a good mood," Severus drawled. "I managed to convince him that Xenophilius is more use to him alive, and that we need Luna to remain unharmed to ensure his cooperation. Since he couldn't kill either of them, he needed someone to take out his frustrations on. I was the lucky choice."

"Oh, Severus, you stupid, brave, selfless man," I moaned, and Severus stiffened as I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug of gratitude and sadness. But then his uninjured arm came around me, and his chin dropped to rest lightly on my head. His fingers began to lightly stroke my back, and then he kissed the top of my head.

"What is this, Severus?" I mumbled into his shoulder. I wanted to stay pressed against him, but I needed to see his face, his eyes, so I raised myself up next to him once more.

His eyes were dark, and I could tell he was trying to keep his face passive, emotionless. But I could see the fear, the desire, deep within his eyes.

"You're wrong," he said quietly.

"About what?" I asked, shifting so I was sitting in a more comfortable position by his side. He didn't answer my question, dropping his gaze to his hands, which were resting in his lap.

"Severus, what am I wrong about?" I pressed.

"About my feelings for you," he said in barely a whisper.

Wait… does that mean? My heart did a backflip in my chest.

"You have feelings for me?" I asked, not daring to believe it.

"Hermione, I—" he closed his eyes, unwilling or unable to answer me, but his right hand inched forward and his long fingers curved delicately around my own.

"Answer me, Severus, please," I whimpered. "Don't be cruel."

Severus opened his eyes, his expression full of anguish.

"I—I want you, Hermione," he said. If he had said this the night before, I would have believed he meant sexually; but now I wasn't so sure.

"What about Lily? About betraying her?" I asked.

"You were right," he said.

"About what, Severus?"

"She never loved me," he said, his voice cracking.

"Do you want me because I love you, or because you love me?"

"Hermione, I can't…"

"You can't what? You can't love me? Or you can't answer me? Or something else? Please just tell me the truth, Severus. I know you're scared, but if you care for me at all just spit it out, please," I begged. "You know how I feel. I'm not going to push you away."

"I meant what I said last night. I will hurt you," he said, his shoulders slumping forward, his head drooping low so his hair covered his face. "I have already," he choked.

"I am not some porcelain doll that cannot withstand a scratch, Severus," I said, and squeezed his hand. "Relationships aren't without arguments and hurt. The point is you love each other and you get through it together, and do better the next time."

"You should just let me die in peace," he muttered.

I sighed in frustration. "Is that really what you want? Truly? Or are you too afraid to try for anything else?"

"Why must you ask me so many difficult questions?" he snapped, peering up at me through his curtain of hair.

"Because we both need the answers," I answered. "And because I love you enough to ask."

"I don't understand how you can care for me," said Severus coldly. He looked frightened, unsure, far from his normal, powerful, confident self. His chest, still covered in pink healing cuts, rattled with each of his breaths.

"Why is it so hard to believe that I love you, desire you?"

Severus snorted. "I am ugly, bitter, broken, and old. I'm a Death Eater and a spy—do you know what that means? Do you know what I have to do, what I must allow to be done?"

"You are strong, intelligent, and kind—you may hide your heart from most people, but I see it. And you are brave, and I appreciate everything you've done and will do for Harry, for all of us. We're going to win this war because of you."

Severus shook his head. "You've been blinded."

"By what? My love for you? And how do you think I came to love you in the first place? I'm not some stupid girl with a crush," I said.

"I didn't mean that," Severus snapped, his lips curving into a deep frown. He pulled his hand out of mine and crossed his arms over his chest. "Explaining this is outside of my realm of skill," he said.

"Please, Severus, I don't believe anything is outside your realm of skill, not if you put your mind to it," I said, reaching up and cupping his face with my palm. His hand lifted from his chest, and I thought he was going to slap my wrist away, but instead he put his hand over mine, pressing it into his cheek. His eyes fluttered closed and I ran my thumb across his flesh, still prickly with stubble. His pain was evident in the deep curve of his brows, the way he clung to my hand like it might disappear at any moment, but he still hadn't told me what I needed to hear, so I pressed him once more.

"Tell me, Severus," I urged.

He opened his eyes, as bottomless and black as ever, and I waited patiently. He pressed his cheek further into my hand and kissed the base of my palm before looking at me with such intensity my breath was stolen from my lungs.

"I love you, Hermione," he whispered.

I wanted to cry with joy, to kiss his mouth and pour every ounce of love I had into his lips, but instead I scooted my body forward on the bed so I was closer to him. There was still one more thing I needed to know.

"Then how can you want to leave me, Severus? How can you want to die?"

"I have spent most of my life working to end the Dark Lord—for Lily, for her son. Once it's over, I—what purpose will I serve? Everyone will hate me for what I've done—as they should. I deserve to be hated. I deserve to die for my actions," he said mournfully, and his face twisted as if he was fighting some terrible torment inside his head.

"You're wrong, Severus," I said sadly, and brought my other hand up so I was holding his face in my palms, forcing him to look me in the eyes. "You're so wrong. Have you not listened to me? You give Harry your memories when you die, Severus. You tell him the truth, and he admires you for it. No one is going to hate you once they understand what you did for us all. We all want you to live. Especially me. Please, Severus, please let me help you survive this war."

"Harry forgives me?" he asked quietly, and there was a spark of hope in his eyes.

"Of course he does," I said. "We both understand about Dumbledore. That wasn't your choice. None of what you've done has been your choice, not since you changed sides."

"But, Hermione…"

"Stop it, Severus! Forgive yourself. Everything you've done and will do, it's okay," I said, and then I leaned forward and kissed him, pressing my love into his lips.

I was about to pull away when Severus's fingers curved behind my head, pulling me closer and deepening our kiss. I opened my mouth and felt his tongue dart tentatively forwards, and I met it with my own, tasting a mixture of his breakfast, herbs and the coppery tang of blood.

When our lips did finally part, I breathed out and slumped forward. Severus brought his lips to my forehead, his hands still tangled in my hair.

"Please don't die, Severus," I said. If he didn't agree now, I had well and truly failed for good.

Severus let out a shaky breath. "Okay," was all he said.

"Okay? You mean you'll let me help you live?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes, Hermione," he said.

"Oh, Severus!" I cried, and burst into tears, great wracking sobs spilling out of me with joy and relief.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" he asked with concern, tilting my face up by my jaw.

"I'm happy, you idiot!" I said, smiling through my tears. I collapsed onto his chest and began wildly planting kisses across his skin until he hissed in pain as they met his injured shoulder.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" I squeaked. "I'll stop."

"Kiss my lips if you insist on keeping yours busy," he drawled with a smirk.

"Gods, I love you," I said, and did just that.