A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed for pushing this past 300 reviews! Wow! I'm so so happy. Please keep them coming. I read every one.
Thanks as always to my beta AdelaideArcher.
Chapter 19: Give and Take
I sprawled naked on Severus's bed, feeling content. Severus had barely made it through the door that evening before we'd run to the bedroom, tearing at each other's clothes.
Smiling as I remembered one of his buttons skittering across the floor as I tore his shirt from his chest, I arched my back and stretched against the soft silk sheets like a cat enjoying a square of sunlight on the floor.
"If you keep stretching like that, we're never going to get to this tea," said Severus silkily. I peered to my right and grinned at Severus standing next to the bed with an amused-looking sneer, naked and holding the silver tea tray in his hands.
"That might not be so bad," I said with a coy grin, taking a moment to admire his lithe body, but instead of stretching again I sat up against the pillows so Severus could serve our tea. He placed the tea set on the dresser and poured us both cups of our evening drink, then took his place in bed next to me as he handed me a cup.
"How is your research going?" he asked, his legs stretched out in front of him as he sat against the headboard.
"Slowly," I said. "Honestly, I'm not finding much."
"It's only been a week," said Severus, taking a sip of his tea. I curled my toes and sighed, feeling impatient.
"I know. But we have a limited time. And we still have to test any ideas to make sure they'll work," I said.
"Patience, goddess," purred Severus. I levitated my tea cup back to the dresser and then stole Severus's free hand in mine, stroking and inspecting his elegant fingers.
"You have the most beautiful hands," I said thoughtfully.
I saw a moment of shock cross Severus's face at my compliment before it quickly settled back into passiveness.
"An appropriate response would be, 'thank you'," I said with a smile.
"I—thank you," he said, studying me as I brought the knuckle of his thumb to my lips.
"Beautiful… talented…" I mumbled, kissing each of his finger in turn and then turning his hand to kiss the base of his palm, "and delicious."
I watched a pale blush creep up his neck before he pulled his hand from mine.
"Careful, witch, or I may use them to make you scream," he growled, floating his own tea cup to the dresser and lowering it next to mine.
"Is that a promise?" I asked with a grin, crawling over top of him and stealing his hand again. I pulled it to my mouth and ran my tongue down his index finger, then sucked it into my mouth, releasing it with a loud pop.
"You are wicked," Severus hissed and pulled me into a snug embrace. I could feel his erection stirring against my thigh, but he said, "Can you keep that insatiable libido of yours in check for a few hours so we can discuss keeping me alive? You may use me as a lollipop as often as you wish after the Dark Lord is dead."
"I'm sorry," I said, feeling embarrassed that he had needed to remind me of the importance of our discussion. Forcing my mind to focus, I sat down next to him and pulled the covers up to our midsections.
"Do not apologise, my goddess," he said. "If the situation were different, believe me, I would never deny you."
"That's why I'm sorry—I should know better," I pouted.
"Come here," he said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me to his side. I rested my head on his shoulder, and he placed his own atop mine, and I took another deep breath to settle myself.
"I've been looking at Everlasting Elixirs to see if any of them might combine suitably with Blood-Replenishing Potion, but so far I believe all we'd make is everlasting blood-coloured sludge," I said.
"I think we may be better off starting from scratch," said Severus, running his thumb across his Adam's apple as he often did when he was thinking.
"So I should look at ingredients then?"
"I'll give you a list to start with," he said, summoning a parchment and a quill. He scribbled down a dozen or so ingredients, then floated the list to the dresser, where it lay next to the tea set. "Look those up tomorrow, and we can discuss them in the evening."
"Yes, Professor," I quipped. Severus scowled down at me, reaching under my arm and pinching my nipple, making me shriek.
"I will not have you calling me that, witch," he said in a low growl.
"I thought we were keeping our libidos in check… Professor?" I said, feeling devious.
"Insufferable," Severus muttered.
"I think I'm quite sufferable, actually," I said, kissing his shoulder and then settling myself more comfortably by his side.
"So you are," Severus agreed ruefully.
"Any ideas where I might look for alternative potion delivery systems for the Living Death Potion?" I asked.
"That is something I don't think we will find in a library," said Severus, to which I frowned. "Don't look so abused, Hermione; the library is not the be-all and end-all of knowledge."
"I know," I said. "It's just my preferred starting place."
"A fact I have known since our very first meeting," said Severus dryly.
"There's a day I will never forget," I said with a chuckle.
"Indeed," Severus drawled.
"All right. I suppose I'll just have to think about it."
"What a novel idea."
"Shut it," I said, poking him in the ribs, to which he snorted.
"It is difficult to have a conversation with my mouth closed," he said smoothly.
"You know what I mean," I huffed.
"How can I if you don't articulate yourself properly?"
"You are the wicked one in this relationship, Severus Snape," I said, rolling over, and then I shut him up with my mouth.
A month went by with very little progress on either the long-acting Blood-Replenishing Potion or the Draught of Living Death delivery method, and I began to get increasingly anxious as the days went past with nothing to show for our work.
"I can't figure it out, Severus!" I moaned, burying my face in the chest of his woollen robes as we sat on the couch.
"I said it would be a challenge," said Severus smoothly, his fingers trailing through my curls.
"But I thought we'd have something by now," I said, clutching him to my body as if he would fade away at any moment.
"I am not panicking yet, Hermione. Nor should you," he said firmly, and I pushed away the urge to reply with 'yes, sir.'
"We are further along than we were a month ago," he continued in a smooth tenor. "We have discounted several options on both fronts, allowing us to refine our research. As with most inventions, success is often the culmination of many failures rather than the result of a single moment of inspiration."
I thought about his words for a moment, and smiled as I realized his wisdom. Merlin, what a brilliant man.
"And you wonder why I love you so much," I said with a sigh.
"I do," he admitted.
"You shouldn't," I huffed.
"A young, intelligent witch in love with her wicked, ugly, challenging ex-professor," he said with a bitter laugh. "Tell me that doesn't strike you as perplexing."
"It sounds like a romance novel to me," I said, trying to joke but feeling pain at his words. "And if you haven't realised by now, I don't think you're ugly or wicked, I don't care that you used to be my professor, and I quite like that you're challenging."
"Perhaps one day I will believe you," he said flatly.
"You believe me here already," I said, pointing the left side of his chest, over his heart. "You just need to believe me here." I tapped his temple.
Severus hissed and plucked me from his lap, setting me down on the couch and rising in a billow of robes.
"Don't do that, Severus," I said. "I'm not criticising you."
"Don't you think I want to believe you? That I wish I deserved you?" he said angrily, his long strides silent but for a swooshing of his robes as he paced back and forth in front of me. "But I can't, Hermione; I don't. The things I do every day: I fucking well let the Carrows torture children, for Merlin's sake!"
I rose from the couch and stepped deliberately into his path, catching his biceps in my hands.
"Stop it, Severus," I said pleadingly. "Stop beating yourself up. It's okay."
"It's not okay!" he spat at me.
"It is okay. Imagine how much worse it would be if you didn't do what you did every day," I said. "I understand how much you hate what you have to do, but that's what makes it okay. I know if you had a choice you would do none of it."
"I hate myself, Hermione. My soul is damaged from the things I've done…"
"Oh, Severus," I said mournfully. "Please don't. You're wrong."
"In this case, I am right," he said solemnly, his eyes as vacant as he believed his heart to be.
"You're not," I said more forcefully. "Come back to the couch, Severus. Don't push me away again, please."
He looked utterly broken standing in front of me: his shoulders slumped forward as he leaned against my hands, his hands limp by his sides, his curved lips sunken in a sullen frown, and his eyes empty unfocused pools. It broke my heart to know how much he hated himself, how little he felt he deserved, but I was heartened by the fact he would now tell me what was roiling inside his abusive mind.
"Please, Severus," I said again, tightening my hold on him.
"All right," he said with a sigh.
I tugged his hand and he followed me back to the couch, sitting with a thud, and I placed myself back in his lap, straddling his legs so I was facing him directly.
"Look at me," I said, and he lifted his face, his brows arched in sorrowful curves. "I'm going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer honestly, okay? And please don't assume anything before I've had a chance to finish."
Severus nodded solemnly, and so I continued.
"Do you think I'm intelligent, Severus?"
"Yes, of course," he said.
"Do you trust me?" I asked.
"Y-Yes," he said, though he didn't seem entirely sure about his answer.
"Do you trust me, Severus? Be honest," I asked him again.
"Yes, Hermione, I trust you," he said.
"Then please believe me when I say you're a good man. You haven't deserved all the terrible things that have happened to you. You have a good heart. It's been taken advantage of, but that doesn't reflect badly on you, it reflects badly on those that hurt you and used you. Your heart is what makes you different from You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters—none of them can feel love like you do. You aren't one of them, Severus."
"But I—"
"No, Severus. No buts. I know I can't force you to believe me, but please consider that you might be wrong about yourself. Because I truly believe you aren't like them at all," I said with a tone of finality.
Severus dropped his head and I could tell he was struggling to process my words. His brows scrunched into knots and his nostrils flared with each heavy exhalation.
"Put your arms around me," I said softly. It was a request, not an order.
Tentatively Severus drew his hands from his sides and placed them loosely around my waist. In return I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a firm hug. His body remained tense, but he nuzzled his long nose into my hair and wrapped his arms tightly around my back, making fists in my robes.
"One more thing and then I'm going to be quiet: I decide who deserves my heart. And I've decided it's yours. Please don't push me away because you think you need to, or because you think you're doing me some sort of favour. Pushing me away is only going to hurt us both, and I know you don't want to hurt me—though I wish you'd care more about yourself too. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Severus said nothing but I felt him nod against my shoulder, and I tightened my grip around him in response and pressed my lips to his temple. It was enough.
We stayed like that for some time, and I wondered if he had ever been comforted before I came into his rooms. Had his mother hugged him when he scraped his knees? Had anyone consoled him when Lily died, told him it wasn't his fault? Had anyone tried to soothe his pain when he'd been forced to send Dumbledore to his grave? The way he was gripping at my robes like a lost child told me probably not; it made me more determined to show him my love and a better future beyond the war.
"I love you, Severus. Never forget that," I cooed, stroking his back.
"I love you, Hermione," he mumbled into my hair, apparently unwilling to let me go.
Then I felt him sigh against me, his warm breath blowing onto my neck, and his body relaxed into mine. It was another hour before he pulled away.