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MIDNIGHT SUN 2.0
~ CHAPTER EIGHTEEN ~
LEGENDS
How many years had passed since our first startling encounter with the inhabitants of the tiny coastal tribe of Quileute Indians…sixty, seventy?
It would seem like a lifetime to a human as the years seamlessly blended together in a continuous blur of forgotten things and misplaced memories, but for a vampire, it was simply a matter of effortlessly recalling a thousand fragmented pieces at once as they were easily sewn together to form the past; sweeping in beneath those of the present as it altered the tang of the moisture-laden air, the sounds of the forest that surrounded me and the very feel of the soft, giving earth beneath my feet...
Having settled in late nineteen thirty-six near the developing town of Hoquiam just west of the Olympic Peninsula and about two-hundred miles south of Forks, we had established our territory quickly on the outskirts of the logging district, keeping carefully away from the general population to curb the always present danger of temptation; Emmett's turning the year before had provided more of a challenge that had been expected as his discipline continued to dangerously waver. The convenience of the park that would only be officially established two years later and it's abundance of wildlife had been the natural choice to help ease the burden of his faltering restraint.
As with every move we enforced upon ourselves in our bid for continued anonymity, the necessary research had been conducted before choosing Hoquiam to settle in. Viability in a location was paramount; the close proximity to the park would have been a major factor in our decision making, but learning the history and traditions of the people within the area was just as important. Any rumors or folklore concerning even the remotest possibility of vampires as it was passed through the generations was taken into account before we chose. Generally, the task of gathering information fell to Carlisle and I; Carlisle, for his ability to coax information out of the most unwilling of suppliers and mine for picking up on what not even he could cajole.
In Hoquiam's case, there had been nothing in the immediate vicinity to greatly concern us, only stories retold by passersby regarding the local legends of the Native American Indians situated on the seaboard. Their myths were spun around the telling of great wolf protectors; giant, transfigured animals born of transformed human flesh that could be called upon in a time of great need to protect their people. Their histories had recounted numerous occasions of these guardians becoming real over the years and whilst it had been intriguing to listen as the legends interwoven into the Quileute's heritage brought a sense of mystery to the misty lands they called home, the claims had seemed so outlandishly impossible that we quickly dismissed them as nothing more than superstitious babble used to lure in those who would be gullible enough to believe it…or so we had thought.
On an unremarkable day in late October – a day that would forever change our perceptions of the legends we had scoffed at – the five of us had been hunting; tracking a small heard of Elk westwards over the peninsula when we had crossed out of our territory and onto land we had thought of as uncharted and unclaimed. We had come across signs of the tribe before as we traveled over the isthmus, but they had been long abandoned and so had our concerns. Easily locating the herd, we had fed without fear of discovery or reprisal of others; securely confident that in an area this inaccessible we would never be exposed, but as the wind out of the east continued to drive the mingling scents of both ourselves and the kill towards the coast, we had learnt that our obscurity was not heeded by all as a very different hunting party learnt of our existence.
Our first awareness of those around us had not come from a cry of horror or a shriek of terror as they stumbled upon the physical proof of our grotesque nature, no; it had come as an approach of sounds we had never thought to hear. Heavily panting breaths, wrenching claws digging through the damp ground and vicious snarls had made up the awareness as our discoverers converged upon us with a speed that had taken us by surprise. It was only as their approach became inescapable and our escape became impossible that we learnt of what had truly tracked us down.
Fanning out in a defensive pattern amongst the blood-splattered ferns, I had hissed out a warning to my family of the danger that was imminent. Emmett and I – spear-heading the formation – had forced Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie behind us as we held our protective stance; apprehensive for the safety of our family as we prepared for what we had never expected. As our eyes saw through the far-reaches of the forest to what approached, we had been disbelieving of that they told us. Our ears had confirmed what that of our eyes conveyed to us, but we had unable to match the two together as the impossibility of a legend was made real.
Snarling aggressively, the three wolves – heavier than the combined weight of our group, each as tall as a fully-grown horse and equipped with razor-sharp teeth and talon-like claws sharp enough to tear through stone – had burst through the thickly grown underbrush seconds later; growling threateningly as they skidded to a stop a dozen feet away from us. Deeply darkened eyes fixed menacingly upon us with unconcealed malice, they had pawed in agitation at the ground; curved claws raked through the earth, as their thoughts – individual, but somehow still melded – boomed loudly in the clearing as the true mythology of the Quileute's was made known.
These were no ordinary wolves made larger by evolution, but instinctive manifestations of tribe members protecting their territory and those who still inhabited the coastal peninsula from anything or anyone that posed a threat. It was only then – as I listened to their garbled thoughts and jumbled reactions – that I learnt that it was our scent that had attracted them. The repugnance of our aroma assaulted their very nasal passageways, creating a physical torment unequal to any other they had ever encountered. It was a scent that had been passed down through the ages as a warning; father to son, son to grandson, grandson to great-grandson. A scent never to be forgotten as it was coupled with the myth of their first awareness with our kind and every other encounter that followed...
As their past clashed with their present; recalling every tale and fable ever told, I glimpsed into a world that was not mine, but still resonated deeply within me…Centuries before, in a land that was still wild and untamable, the Quileute Indians had been the target of what they now referred to only as the 'cold ones'. A lone male – red-eyed and paler than chalk – had scavenged along the coast, searching for easy prey when he crossed paths with the woman of the tribe at the riverside, killing two in quick succession before he was discovered and eventually killed by the ancestors of the wolves that had stood before us; the very first. His presence had somehow triggered within the Braves, a long-dormant instinct of protection; a genetic quirk made manifest into the melding of man and beast. Not long after, a female; presumably his mate had appeared in the village, searching for what she would never find. Enraged, she had vented her fury and bloodlust on the terrified villagers, sadistically rampaging through them until she too had been destroyed by those who would never forget the terrible fate that had befallen on that day.
Understanding their terror as I pulled myself away from their past, I had tersely relayed the source of their fear and aggression to Carlisle who – upon understanding that they were not reacting purely on their animalistic nature, but on that of past experiences – immediately called for us to slowly back away from the wolves in a show of understanding and armistice. Untrusting of our peaceful withdrawal despite their confusion over the colour of our eyes – they had been taught to search for the unmistakable pigmentation change as a sure sign of those they would need to destroy – the wolves had viewed our retreat with unconcealed antagonism, slowly approaching as we continued to back way, despite being heavily outnumbered. Fanning out in a similar display of defense to our own, they had patterned an attacking formation though the snarls and rumbling of their massive, furred chests; communicating what their entangled thoughts could not as they continued to back us deeper into the forest.
Inexperienced in this form of combat, they had only the lessons learnt from the past to reply on as their bodies aligned and instincts as old as time commandeered their movements. As the thoughts of the three wolves began to not only clarify, but to coalesce as one, the three-way conversation spun effortlessly around their minds; coordinating in a way that I had never seen, or heard of before. Telepathic in nature, they still thought separately, but with a pack mentality that superseded their individuality. It had been fascinating to listen to at the time, despite the very real danger we still felt.
Conveying this to Carlisle, he had almost instantly understood that if that was the case, then perhaps we could communicate with them and prevent what could quite possibly have resulted in a massacre. Calmly and with a reassuring nature that very rarely failed, he had explained; whilst I translated in native Chimakuan, that we were not the same harbingers of death that their forefathers had dealt with and that despite our nature, we would not harm them, or any other on this land. The wolves had been suspiciously untrusting of his sincerity at first, but as our demeanor had been so very different from what they had been taught to fear and there had been no real reason for us to have killed the Elk when we were so close to their village, they had reluctantly listened; cautiously optimistic that we were different from the others. After translating their fears, we had decided that the best course of action was to identify with them, attempting to convince them that we had just as much to lose as they did…fear of death had been their motivation; fear of exposure had been ours.
After grudgingly accepting that we were unlike those they had been taught to condemn, but still cautious to allow their guard down, the largest of the wolves; a massive creature with long, shaggy fur the colour of dark russet leaves in autumn, had taken a hesitant step forward in a show of unlikely trust, conveying through me, that they were willing to accept our presence, but that they could not live amicably with us in such close proximity. Carlisle had understood and accepted that, proposing instead that the territories be split to further avoid such close encounters again. The wolves had agreed, and so the treaty had been born in a place that could so easily have become a battlefield.
Separate territories had been outlined first, with the coastal edges belonging to the Quileute's without exception, whilst we would remain further inland. A corridor of neutral land had been established between the two territories, allowing for ease of movement between the towns and outer lying areas; if we crossed over no-man's land and the border for any reason, without gaining permission first, the retribution would be swift and terrible. In exchange for this concession, Carlisle had stipulated that no descendants of the Quileute's; present or future, could ever reveal to an outsider the truth of our nature or they would risk threatening the precincts of the treaty. The wolves had agreed, realizing that anonymity on both sides was required and had added another concession of their own…one that was much more important than mere territorial boundaries: no human could be harmed by us in any way or form, whether by way of accident or deliberate action and no human was ever allowed to be transformed by us to the state of unholy death that they viewed us to be…transformation for them was no better than murder.
As the restrictions and limitations were hammered out over our dubious union, it had become apparent to all that we were essentially setting down the laws that would come to govern us for generations to come. It was only long afterwards that we realized the tribesman that had been the forefront of our discussions was Ephraim Black; the ancestor of the very boy who had broken the treaty he had never known he was sworn to uphold. Jacob Black had more than likely scoffed at the old legends as nothing more than camp-fire stories or bedtime tales used to keep unruly children in line. He could have in no way realized just how much his own heritage had been involved in forming those stories…
Returning to the present as the lane of my memory became clear once again, I wandered slowly over the slippery terrain surrounding my home as the rain continued to fall; soaking me to the bone. I had no doubt there would be an emergency council meeting called tonight on the La Push Reservation; Billy Black was undoubtedly a tribal elder and would not simply allow convention to dictate on what he saw as a very serious issue. I wondered how he and the others would feel if they knew that one of their own had already violated the treaty and that in its entirety; it was no longer in effect? There could be no real threat of retaliation against us even if we had somehow crossed a line. Carlisle and I had theorized a long time ago that the hereditary anomaly that had affected those we had encountered first would have died out as generation after generation weeded the fluke from the bloodline. We had certainly seen no proof to the contrary. Wolves, supernatural or not, no longer inhabited this part of the country.
This new development wouldn't make much difference to our existence, and certainly not to theirs. From the moment they had come to know of our return to the peninsula, they had ceased all commuting to Forks. Carlisle's tenure at the hospital had almost certainly furthered their resolve to remain on the Reservation to seek medical attention or to travel further out to Port Angeles or Hoquiam if need be. He had tried to remain objective over this glaring snub, but I knew that it had stung him nevertheless. He was capable of providing excellent medical care to all without allowing any prejudice to discriminate on his part, even going so far as to suggest through a neutral channel that he assist in implementing a mobile medical unit on the Reservation, but the idea had been met with swift rejection from the council and he had never again offered his assistance.
The Blacks were the one exception to the generally governed rule as they continued to visit Forks. The friendship between Bella's father and Jacob's remained intact for the moment, although I was fairly certain that the sure knowledge that I was now a fixture in their lives would somewhat limit their future visits. It did not please me that Bella would suffer the loss of the boy who had obviously become a friend, but neither did it displease me that there would be fewer opportunities for his father to interrogate her. She was always swift to defend my less than acceptable presence in her life to others, but in her own home, she should not be forced to.
Watching without truly seeing as I looked out over the natural waterway continuing to flow on its truest path; undeterred by the obstacles mother-nature continued to place in its way, I again felt the unhealthy burden of my presence in Bella's life weigh heavily on my every action. The encounter with the Blacks was just further proof that my interference was creating complications that Bella should never have to deal with. How much more of her personal life would she have to sacrifice in order for me to remain in it? Deciding against returning to Forks for the moment; my irritation at the elder Black's attempt to meddle still bubbling too close to the surface of my control to take a chance that they might still be there, I instead opted for informing my family of the latest change to the status quo. Alice would be the wiser as she kept an ever vigilant eye on any course of action that could affect us, but she would at least wait for me to inform them myself, despite her annoyance at my continued stonewalling. I could only hope that Jasper had made good on his promise to talk to her and that she would actually listen to his words more than she usually did mine.
Entering the house through the kitchen, I slipped off my muddy shoes and shook myself dry; combing the damp strands of hair away from my face before quietly making my way through the spacious room fully decked out in the latest modernization. The room was for show of course, but like the bathrooms, it was necessary to have it fully functioning should the need to prove that we were capable of it ever arise. We could all cook; following the directions of a book we had once read or television program we had once watched, but the purpose of food preparation was a redundant skill as with our transformation, we had lost the ability to taste anything but what our bodies craved the most. It went hand in hand with the ability to eat, but not to digest anything other than blood. The indignity of regurgitating that bite of pizza still sat heavily with me as I thought about it. Thankfully, Bella wouldn't require any further proof of my claims…I didn't know if I could go through that again.
Stilling at the gleaming, stainless-steel stove-top as my reflection was thrown back at me; I ran the tip of my finger lightly around the edge of the plate, thinking of Bella as she stood over her father's in preparation for their nightly meals together. Perhaps I should familiarize myself again with the equipment. It couldn't hurt to have the skills should I ever require them to cook for Bella at some stage…shaking my head incredulously as this thought careened into the blockade of my mind, I rolled my eyes and walked out the kitchen, muttering to myself faintly, "Emmett's right. I really have lost it." I could hear his mockery now, "Cooking food for Bella? Man, she is your food," as it echoed repulsively in my head.
Our home was quiet against the continual noise of the rain plummeting around us as I made my way through and only dimly lit by a small fire in the lounge hearth; the flickering shadows of the undulating flames danced across the walls in greeting as they cast shadings of dark and light over me and created areas of hidden gloom around the furniture in the rooms. As far as I could tell, neither Rosalie nor Emmett were anywhere within earshot…a fact for which I was immeasurably grateful. There would come a time when I would have to acknowledge aloud that the relationship between Rosalie and I could never return to the uneasy accord that it had once been, but that time was not now. Her ill-concealed animosity towards Bella had ensured that, despite any attempts she might make in the future to make amends. Burying this particular hatchet would not be an easily accomplished thing.
Silently turning the corner, I found my parents seated closely together on a sofa; visible only to the human eye by the warm glow of the fire as Esme rested against Carlisle's torso whilst he looked down at her with an adoration that bordered on worship, cupping his hand over hers as she smoothed it over his cardigan-covered chest in slow, gentle circles. Their complete absorption in each other was only slightly disturbed as they registered my presence whilst I once again felt the ever-present stab of covetous longing towards this sight. The envy did not surprise me; it was something I had long desired, but the searing intensity of it did. My undeniable resentment towards the ease and open affection between Carlisle and Esme was no small prickle of jealousy today as I watched them interact with each other in a way I knew that I could never do with Bella. It gnawed discouragingly away deep inside of me as it was yet another reminder that what I could have with her was only a mockery of the bonds I had watched others create and had wanted for myself for so many years.
I would so dearly love to be able to sit that close to her as I greedily inhaled her intoxicating scent so deeply into my lungs that they would forever retained the memory of it. To hold her hand caressingly between my own as her gentle warmth was absorbed through my own cold skin. To nuzzle into her hair as she leaned closer to me; nuzzling back as I felt her silky strands caress my hard face. To be able to press my lips gently to the tender skin at her temple, sliding them downwards over the rise of her cheekbone, the edge of her nose, the corner of her mouth, the jut of her chin, the arch of her throat…shaking my head as the image of delight was quickly replaced by the certainty of death, I flinched away from the vision of my lips parting, my tongue tasting and my teeth sinking into the flesh exposed as I pierced her Jugular; groaning in ecstasy as the taste of her sweet blood slide like molten silk down my throat, clutching at her cold, lifeless body in my arms as I drained her life's essence.
Sharpening my focus away from what would undoubtedly mark the beginning of my end; I smiled very slightly at my parents as they straightened slightly from their embrace on my approach, though I was sure it appeared as more of a pained grimace than an expression of ease. Returning the gesture, but not parting ways, they waited for me to find my seat before they began to question why I was here; they had become so accustomed to my nightly vigils in the town of Forks that it surprised them slightly that I was not there.
"Edward," Esme began quietly, confusion marring her perfectly smooth brow as she continued to fidget absentmindedly with Carlisle's fingers, the light from the fire turning he caramel hue of her hair to a darker, whiskeyed amber. "Is everything all right, dear? You're usually not here at this time of night." There was a hint of gentle humour in her soft voice as the question was left hanging slightly, but I ignored it, knowing that her greater joy in my fascination with Bella and the drastic changes that had accompanied it diluted any mockery that might follow. Easing into the armchair adjacent to their position, I tried to relax back into it before answering, but never quite managed it.
"There's no need to concern yourself, Esme; everything is fine. The Swans have guests tonight, so I thought it best to give them privacy." That, of course, was a lie. I would have enjoyed nothing more than to interrupt their evening as the lingering irritation of a disruption I had not anticipated continued to grow, but for the moment, it served a greater purpose to omit that truth; I didn't want her asking too many questions as to why I had not lingered…neither of them would appreciate my animosity towards a disabled old man.
Frowning at the harshly withering tone in which I had used to phrase the word, guests, Carlisle straightened slightly from his relaxed posture, never releasing his wife's hand or her position against his body, but suddenly more alert than he had been since my arrival. Eying me with developing unease as he tried to read between the lines of what I had said and what I had clearly not said, Carlisle uttered softly as he began to fret over my tone, "Guests, Edward?"
It was in this instance that I realized that my father had already fathomed out from not only my voice but from my posture that I was concealing something, so I decided to word myself very carefully to keep from alarming him further. This was obviously information that I could not keep solely to myself; it was a family matter that required discussion and decisions that I could not make unilaterally. "Yes. Locals…Quileute Indian's to be more specific. A father and son, both direct descendants of Ephraim Black; grandson and great-grandson by the look of it."
Eyes widening almost simultaneously with astonishment as this news, both Carlisle and Esme instantly riffled through their extensive memories; sifting through the decades like snapshots of their existence as they matched the name to the memory. Most overlapped and converged as their time spent together collided and this was no exception. It took them less than a second to connect the memory to the name and the significance of its meaning as Esme's previously tranquil bearing now matched that of her husbands.
"Did they recognize you, Edward?" Carlisle asked suddenly as he became more rigidly alert than before, fully aware now of what I was saying as alarm began to sharpen the features of his face. His mind was already whirling with the complications that could arise from this as the illumination from the flames cast deeper shadows over his pale face.
"Not the younger, but the elder did without a doubt. He wouldn't have known specifics, but from his reaction, he holds more belief in the legends passed down through the ages than his son does." There was a certain amount of dark irony that the very one who did not believe in it had been the one to bring it to the light of day, but I decided against bringing that to their attention. They wouldn't see the twisted levity in it.
Distractedly kissing Esme on the temple, Carlisle smoothly stood from the sofa and walked to the vast expanse of glass overlooking the back portion of the garden still heavily obscured by the pelting rain. Deep in thoughts that he did not bother to try and hide from me, he sank his hands into his perfectly tailored trouser pockets and sighed quietly as the shimmering light gleamed dully over his hair. His concern was instantly focused on the safety of our family and our continued anonymity, but there was also an underlying anxiety for Bella and what this might mean for her. The situation, to his mind, was a mine-field of problems that would have to be skillfully navigated to ensure that there was no collateral damage on either side.
"What does he know, Edward?" There was no inflection in Carlisle's voice as he asked this; he wanted the facts, not the story before he revealed anything more.
Deliberately making my voice sound as nonchalant as possible to reassure him, I conveyed the realities emotionlessly. "Not much. He knows that I'm a Cullen, though he doesn't know which one and he knows that I have an interest in Bella, although he can never truly understand it. To his way of thinking, I'm merely a dangerous consequence of living in the State of Washington." Feeling the surge of aggressive rebellion rise once again as I recalled his feeble attempts to stop what was now the unstoppable, I breathed deeply to dispel it as I continued, but felt as though I was failing as my next words were unsympathetically delivered.
"The information he has is irrelevant, Carlisle; Forks is bilaterally neutral…he has no jurisdiction here to enforce any authority and he knows that. The tribal elders can sit and speculate in their protected, little enclave all they want, but their hands are just as tied now as they have always been." I saw no reason to inform them that in actuality, the treaty was already null and void by way of an unconscious revelation by one of their own; it would not sit well with Carlisle and I would only reveal it if I had no other options.
Turning back to me with a pucker of surprise between his granite brows as he heard the unhidden hostility in my voice, Carlisle's anxiety rose at an alarming rate as he demanded gently, "What happened, Edward?"
His concerns were warranted, I supposed, sighing in mild irritation as I heard his unspoken thoughts. Given how easily my temper was inclined to flare up; especially over matters concerning Bella, it was probably to be expected, but I felt slightly aggrieved that he would even consider that I would have given into such a reckless impulse…there was so much more at risk here than just our anonymity in this matter. "Nothing happened, Carlisle. I would never take a chance with our standing in the collective community like that or with Bella's safety for that matter; she was in the car with me when this happened. His attitude merely annoyed me, is all. I understand his underlying fear is for Bella's safety, but even if he were able to confront me, he has no power to act on it. I left Bella and came home – there was no exchange of any kind, either verbal or physical." Again, I decided against telling him of my thoughts of defiance in the face of the old man's fears and that a breach of protocol had been eagerly considered on my side even as I felt a moment's guilt for actually entertaining those thoughts in the first place.
Hearing in my voice, the indignant flat notes that had been created by his question, Carlisle apologized immediately, still lost in his thought as he turned back to the window. "My apologies, Edward. Of course I know that you would never do anything to endanger us, it's only that now we have to be especially vigilant."
I knew that he was referring to Bella's involvement in an age-old alliance before the thought had even crossed his mind and though I should have felt grateful towards him for his consideration towards her; it still felt as though my actions for revealing everything to her were once again being called into question. How would I act if Carlisle; the patriarch of this family, decided her continued involvement in our world was creating complications that should never have arisen? How could I argue against that when at one time I had tried everything possible to cut her from that involvement? My choice in deciding to which side I favored would be simple; without thought really, but the pain I would cause the rest of them, especially Esme created a rift of doubt within me as I once again found myself wavering.
As if knowing that my anxiety was centered on her, my mother asked the questions that Carlisle had not; not because he did not care, but because as a father and leader, his concerns were based on the greater good of the group, not the individuals…Esme's strong maternal instincts would push her to be distressed for both. "How is Bella, Edward? Did she know what was going on? Do you think that he'll approach her? He might unintentionally scare her if he asks too many questions."
I snorted quietly beneath my breath in part disgust at this question. At this point, I highly doubted if there was anything Bella would stumble across that would prove frightening to her. Her strength of character had only seemed to grow stronger from day to day as she learnt the more disturbing facets of my personality and the world I inhabited, but as the overwhelming apprehension from Esme regarding a human girl that she had yet to meet drove the point home, I forced myself to take a more serious stance as I answered her.
"Bella's fine, Esme. She didn't realize what was happening and I didn't broach the subject with her before I left. The elder Black will more than likely talk to her, but he can't say anything directly to her under the terms of the treaty and he knows this. As for inadvertently scaring her, that isn't likely for two reasons. One, she doesn't scare easily and two, even if he did manage to put the fear of us in her, she would simply brush it aside as she has everything else she's ever heard. She's already heavily defensive when questioned about our family." The truth of that gave me a deep sense of satisfaction that I could not or would not conceal from my voice, despite knowing the potential it carried for disaster.
"Still," Esme frowned, folding her arms loosely over her silk-covered stomach as her unease for Bella dominated her thoughts, despite her slight pleasure at hearing of her loyalty to our family. "We have to be careful with her, Edward. Not because I think that she'll in any way betray us, but because she is so inexperienced in the type of camouflaging we have had to employ for so many years. We're all well equipped to deal with dodging rumors and creating smokescreens as misdirection, but Bella isn't. This might create an uncomfortable situation for her that she isn't able to deal with and will cause her more distress than she's capable of handling."
Looking out past me to where her husband still stood, she mused silently to herself before I could answer…it's a pity we can't tell her about the treaty. She would at least have a better chance of understanding what is going on and why the Quileute's act so guardedly around us if she had the knowledge firsthand…
Nodding my head at her thoughts, I refrained from commenting as I felt the guilt begin to mount at the dishonesty that was my omission; instead listening to Carlisle as his thoughts differed from those of Esme's…how will this affect the treaty? If our anonymity has been compromised by Edward revealing to Bella that he was a vampire, even after she had already guessed, than surely that's still a breach? What would happen if they found out about that? How will they react? Perhaps I should attempt to contact them, let them know that we're still fully committed to it despite what they might think…
Dammit! Sighing with regret at Carlisle's thoughts, I cursed at myself as I realised that I no longer had the luxury of choice in remaining silent over this matter. Carlisle would only continue to stew over this; growing more and more anxious as the days wore on if I didn't. I also didn't want him – should he actually make good on his thoughts and contact them – letting slip to any of the Quileute's that the treaty was broken, although only through a technicality from our side. The less they knew at this point, the better for everyone. Carlisle was going to react badly enough once I revealed that it was no mere technicality that had destroyed the pact.
Shifting forward in the chair until my forearms were resting against my thighs, I rubbed the flat of my palms together as I regarded his back carefully; eyeing his reflection as it was displayed in the near flawless glass and he continued to grow more agitated by the second. "Carlisle, I understand that you're worried over this, but please believe me when I say that it won't make any difference to the treaty, even if they did somehow find out that I had not denied my nature to Bella."
At my words, his inner monologue petered out, almost instantly replaced by more confusion as he murmured absently without turning from the wall. "Why wouldn't it make a difference, Edward? You revealed to Bella that you were a vampire, even if it was by default or omission if you will; that is a clear breach of the terms set down as far as I'm concerned. We were all there; we know the terms well."
Hearing the faint trace of accusation that he tried so hard to conceal made me wish I had kept this information to myself, downplaying it instead of confessing. Censure from the others I could brush aside easily; censure from Carlisle was not so easily ignored. "Yes, it is," I agreed quietly. "But the treaty by that stage had already been broken, Carlisle. It was broken during the weekend…before that night in Port Angeles and not by any member of this family. When Bella confronted me that night over her suspicions, it wasn't because she had pieced together the truth or had irrefutable proof; it was because she had been told everything by Jacob Black during her weekend visit to La Push. He was the one that revealed our family had been the speculation of vampire rumors for decades. The Quileute's can't hold us responsible in any way, shape or form…not when it was one of their own who broke the rules first."
Swinging back to face me on heels that pivoted so swiftly he almost overbalanced, Carlisle's horrified expression matched that of his thoughts as he hoarsely uttered whilst Esme stared on in dumbfounded disbelief at my confession. "The treaty was broken almost a week ago, Edward?! Why didn't you say something sooner?! How could you keep something as important as this to yourself for so long? Do Quileute's know that this has happened?"
Feeling rightly guilty for not revealing this sooner, even though my reason's had not been based on any selfish motive, I strived to appear contrite as I explained myself. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, Carlisle, but I didn't want to concern you unnecessarily over something that would more than likely never be an issue that was revealed. I suspected that Jacob Black would not divulge to his father what he had disclosed to Bella that day on the beach, and judging from the thoughts in the car, he hadn't, so there seemed very little reason to…the Quileute's still believe it's in effect; we're the wiser, not them. I also didn't want to provide any further ammunition for Rosalie to use in furthering her cause." The second half of my excuse would seem plausible to them both as I used it as just another justification for keeping this from them, but until now, the thought had actually never crossed my mind.
Arching his brows as he tilted his head, Carlisle nodded in reluctant agreement; sinking more heavily into thought than he had been before as he pondered this new angle, no calmer now than a second ago, but willing to listen to me when others might not. It mattered little to him that the onus of breaking the treaty did not fall to a member of his family and that the knowledge of such was only held by us; what mattered to him was that it had been broken.
"What are they going to do, Carlisle?" I challenged gently, still feeling as though my actions had to be defended as I endeavored to reassure him. "They can't reveal our secret and even if they did, there isn't anyone in the town that would believe it to be anything other than superstitious nonsense. I'm absolutely certain that our anonymity will still be protected. Besides, if this was going to be an issue, Alice would have seen it and warned us…her sight has never failed us before and there's no reason to believe that this will be any different. Trust me, the Blacks; younger or older, are in no way a threat to us."
Upon hearing what was so obviously the answer to the clutter of problems in his head, Carlisle visible relaxed as he moved back into his seat, nodding his head as my words eased his concern and he acknowledged to himself that he was probably making more of this than there was. He relied more heavily than most on Alice's ability to predict the course of our existence; feeling the weight of responsibility for his families' ambiguity and safety as he depended on her counsel. Lowering himself beside Esme again, who patted his knee reassuringly, he conceded to the logic of my words. "You're right, Edward; of course you are. Alice would be able to preemptively anticipate any complications from this. It's only that for so long now we've lived in relative obscurity…it feels as though we've been exposed. I know that it's not the case, but it's still an unfamiliar concept to grapple with."
I felt like pointing out that I had been grappling with the same unfamiliarity since the moment I had met Bella, but instead refrained as Carlisle frowned at me suddenly with tense eyes that I knew had nothing to do with this revelation. "I also agree with you on keeping Rosalie and Emmett in the dark…especially Rosalie, until it becomes absolutely necessary to reveal it. She already feels slighted that none of us are taking her warnings to heart; this will feel as though her attempts at retaliation are somehow vindicated. If she manages to goad Emmett into an unsanctioned act of aggression against the locals because she has convinced him it's the best thing for the family, it could prove potentially disastrous."
Nodding her head in absent-minded agreement as she traced a finger around the edging of her embroidered sleeve, Esme sighed quietly beside her husband as she thought back to the age in which I had revisited earlier. Her thoughts had been firmly centered on the safety of her family when confronted by the wolves, whilst Rosalie's had been centered on annihilation. She had only agreed to co-exist at arms-length as that was the wish of the majority of her family, but had she been given her own way, she would have simply done away with them as she had once so callously planned on doing with Bella. To the Quileute's, her golden appearance that day had been only too strong a reminder of the grief-ravaged mate their ancestors had once destroyed…for the sake of the survival of their progenies, she could not be allowed to know this.
"Agreed," I mused softly, relaxing back into my seat as I laid my damp head against the padded headrest, watching as the undulating shadows flickered across the ceiling. I was surprised to find that my chest felt slightly less restricted than it had moments earlier; lighter, freer almost. It was strange really, because I had never planned on revealing this to my family in the first place. Subconsciously, I realised now, there had been a need to do just that. I wondered how much more I could expose to Carlisle and the others, or rather, evade, before they realised that I was no longer solely concerned with the best interests of our family…before they realised that Bella's interests had replaced all other priorities in my existence. Rosalie already knew, it was one of the reason's her petty jealousies had already reared their ugly head, but the other's, with the exception of Alice, had yet to figure it out.
Quiet rustling from the rain-drop laden trees above momentarily captured our attention away from the past as we heard the muted landing of footsteps on the roof and then the upper level balcony, but none of us were concerned with the new arrivals; Jasper and Alice had returned home from what I could only hope was a hunting trip…for Jasper's sake. Skipping down the stairs with Jasper following behind at a more sedate, indulgent pace, Alice strolled barefoot into the lounge, eyeing me with a strange mixture of bemusement and disdain as she peeled her clinging blouse away from her damp upper torso from beneath Jasper's leather jacket. He had obviously used their time alone to talk some sense into her…or try to talk some sense into her if the direction of her thoughts were anything to go by; she was now willing to wait until I was ready it seemed, to introduce her to Bella. Eyeing her just as suspiciously, I decided to reserve my opinion until I was absolutely certain she meant it.
Curling her lip at me as her eyes narrowed, Alice perched herself gracefully on the armrest of the chair I sat in, turning her body towards me as she smiled at Esme and Carlisle even as her thoughts registered the mild amazement of finding me at home. Jasper took up Carlisle's vacated position at the wall, tasting already, the lingering vapor of tension in the air. He did not know what had caused it, but he was already preparing for it as he tested each of us.
"Why aren't you in Forks, Edward?" Alice queried, glancing down at me as she simultaneously searched for any event that could have prevented me from staying close to Bella. As she found nothing, her mild query turned to genuine puzzlement. Quickly recapping the events of our earlier discussion to her and Jasper, Alice frowned in consternation as I finished, looking past the now to the future that only she could see.
"This happened earlier?" She asked me absently, still searching far beyond the realm in which she existed as she fiddled with the zipper of the jacket. It surprised me mildly that she hadn't seen anything that would immediately set her off, but it did not concern me as it was merely further proof that we had nothing to be anxious about.
"Yes. But I don't think we have anything to be worried about; your lack of vision in this is further proof of that." This I said aloud not just for Alice's benefit, but for Jasper's. He was already tensely gathered at the wall as he absorbed this information, though only on instinct, as his reliance on Alice's ability matched that of Carlisle's. If he had even the slightest inkling that the tribe was a danger to us, he would not hesitate as Rosalie once might have. I had often thought on how differently that first meeting would have gone had Jasper been with us…the thought was not a pleasant one.
Nodding distractedly at my words, Alice struggled to lock onto anything that would involve or become a danger us, but there was nothing in her visualization to suggest that the tribesmen had decided on anything. "No," she chirped confidently as she looked around the room in turn, reassuring each of us before stopping to look at Carlisle. "There's absolutely nothing anywhere about us…it's like we don't exist. Edward is right; I really don't think we have anything to concern ourselves about, but I'll continue to search during the next few days just to be certain. Besides, if what you've told us about the treaty is as accurate on our side as it is on theirs, Carlisle, and Edward clearly hasn't done anything to jeopardize it by merely being with Bella in a neutral location, then they can't retaliate because we haven't broken any of the rules, right? Bella figured it out on her own, so I fail to see the danger."
Clearing his throat, Carlisle looked askance as me in slight discomfort, avoiding eye contact with Alice as I lightly drummed my fingers against the other armrest, disinclined to answer her as I knew where it would lead to. When Alice found out that I had violated the treaty by not instantly dismissing Bella's claims, she was going to use it against me as just cause to meet her, siting that if I could flout the rules, then she should be able to as well. What she had yet to understand, was the reason I did not want them to meet had nothing to do with the treaty or even Bella's safety, and everything to do with retaining what was left of Bella's ignorance to our world. I did not want Alice revealing to her what I would rather remain secret.
Cocking her head to the side as she picked up on the almost instant discomfort in the room and Jasper groaned quietly in the back ground as it was amplified through him a thousand fold; Alice glowered down at me for her answer, already knowing that I was keeping something from her.
"What's the problem, Edward? I thought you said that Bella guessed that you were a vampire and you merely confirmed it? That isn't a breach as far as I'm concerned. It's not like you verbalized it."
Tracing my finger along the silk patterning of the armchair, I nodded without looking at her, knowing exactly where this line of questioning was headed and groaning internally at my inability to prevent it. Alice and Jasper knew the major details of the agreement as we had explained them after they had found us and when we had eventually moved back to the area…they did not know the finer details. "Yes, but technically speaking I broke the treaty by not denying our existence right away." Hoping that I could quickly navigate my way out before she could pick up on this, I quickly threw out. "It's beside the point now as it was the child who broke the treaty first, so it's a moot discussion, Alice."
Crossing her arms across her narrow chest; her diminutive frame tensed in a physical display of outrage as she realized that I was playing by a set of rules that only I understood, Alice scowled indignantly down at me. "Wait, the local boy told her first? She didn't guess on her own? Did you know that at the time, Edward?"
Nodding reluctantly as I watched her fire-lit features pinch in displeasure, I answered. "Yes. I did." If I had been having this conversation with Rosalie, my head would have already been removed from my neck and skewered through a pike.
"But you still did, knowing that technically, as you put it, you were in the wrong!" As the volume of her accusation rose, I glared up at her as my lip pulled away from my teeth, revealing the gleaming tools of vampire evolution, but she was undaunted as she continued on, venting her frustration with me over my lack of co-operation and one-sided decision making. "Snarl at me all you want, Edward Cullen, but I'm not letting you off the hook on this like everyone else obviously has. You won't even let me talk to Bella because you're afraid of what I might say to her, but you can willfully disobey an agreement that remained unbroken for decades just because of a technical issue on who told who first? How is that fair? Do you even understand the meaning of the word hypocrite?"
"Alice." Jasper's gentle warning from the window as he picked up on the seething irritation she could so quickly create within me lately was lost to her ears as she jumped huffily to her feet, bracing her tiny, clenched fists against her slender hips and glaring down at me as I remained seated, gazing back up at her from beneath hooded lids. Knowing that she was right and that I was more than in the wrong did not lessen my annoyance with her, but she refused to acknowledge that as she continued to rant.
"You can't deny that you're making up the rules as you go along. If that had been any of us, our ears would still be ringing from your self-righteous diatribe on safety and conspicuous behavior, so why is it all right for you to do it just because it affects the girl you love…the girl that I will eventually come to love to if you would allow it! This doesn't just affect you, Edward…how many times do I have to say this before it penetrates that thick skull of yours!" Pacing away in quick agitation, Alice turned back to me with anger etched into every stone pore of her face, "I have never agreed with Rosalie's on what she views as your reckless, inconsiderate behaviour towards the rest of us, Edward, or her reasoning for being so irate with you, but I have to admit, that I'm starting to understand it more and more…and I'm sorry to say, that she's not wrong."
Rising at the sting her words even as I knew they rang with the truth, I skewered her with a look that would have peeled the paint off the walls as Esme and Carlisle both reached out with restraining hands towards me, but Alice would not cower under my ferocious stare as I sidestepped them all, ignoring their suddenly distressed thoughts, coldly delivering my reply. "Listen to me carefully, Alice, because this is the last time I will say this. Your opinions matter little to me because with or without your consent this is ultimately my decision. When I am ready for you to meet, then and only then will you; my reasons are my own and I don't need to explain or justify them to anyone. Yes, I was wrong in keeping this from everyone and perhaps I was wrong in not deny the claims when Bella presented them, but I can do nothing for that now, so stop interfering in what you have little control over and instead concentrate instead on watching what you can."
Watching as a flash of wounded outrage swept across Alice's tense features and she recoiled away from me slightly; it became clear as Jasper growled softly from the window at my tone, that she considered my words little better than a slap in the face...the hurt deep within the golden depths of her eyes was hard to miss and even harder to see. Sighing in instant remorse as my harsh choice of words seared guiltily through me, I took a cautious step towards her, laying my hands gently over the bony protrusions of her shoulders as I cupped them lightly, softening my approach as I watched her eyes widened with mistrust. If I wasn't careful, I would end up making a botch of my relationship with Alice and that was something I could not afford. Her opinions did matter; more than anyone in this family in fact, but she had to understand why I was acting the way I was…Bella's soul was too important to surrender.
"Alice, every decision I make; both now and in the future, revolves solely around the survival of Bella's well-being as well as that of our families...never doubt that when I'm thinking about one, I'm also thinking about the other, even if in that moment, it doesn't seem like it. I'm not trying to be deliberately hurtful by denying you a right to know her and I'm sorry that to you, it feels as though I am; you know that I love you, but put yourself in my shoes for just one moment...just one, that's all I'm asking. If it were Jasper that you were trying to protect, that you were trying to save from a future that meant the end to a life that had barely begun and the start of an eternity filled with resentment, loathing and death, is there anything in the world that would prevent you from accomplishing it?"
I didn't know if she would understand what I was saying and that the meaning behind my words was directed more at myself rather than at any other member of my family, but as the hurt in her eyes slowly softened to something resembling reluctant acceptance and she tested within herself the limits of what she would and wouldn't do to keep the man that she loved from harm's way as she quickly glanced at him before returning my stare, I realized that she had and the relief I felt as I realised this was almost crippling.
Fine, she grumbled internally, still slightly resentful, but more understanding than she had been before, though I was sure she would make me pay in some subtle way later for what I had said. I'll wait, but you're wrong about the future of Bella's choosing…you might think you can control it and you might think that I'm purposefully trying to manipulate it to my advantage, but you're wrong on both accounts. This will ultimately be her say, Edward…it always has been, whether you think it's safe or not. The sooner you accept that, the easier things will become
Shrugging out from beneath my light hold, Alice gazed back at me with piercing intensity before she nodded once and walked away, heading towards the stairs as she shrugged off Jasper's jacket. Esme watched her leave with a concerned pucker between her brow, much the same as Bella's whilst Carlisle gazed on at me as if I had lost what little was left of my sanity and Jasper continued to growl at me from the sidelines whilst his sharp eyes followed his love's slow ascent. The thoughts in the room were a jumble of complicated emotions; annoyance, surprise, fear, but it was Esme's empathy that commanded the most of my attention; she was torn as to whether or not she should stay or follow. Her desire to comfort one that she considered her fondest daughter was distracted by her need to stay with the one she considered to be her fondest son and so ultimately she remained as her loyalties won out over her mothering.
Scrubbing my hands warily over my face, I felt rather than heard Jasper's slow approach towards me as Esme stood gracefully from her seat and aligned herself to my left, whilst Carlisle remained seated. Already attuned to the pang of conscience I felt for the severity of my words to Alice, I lowered my arms to my side and looked at him. His eyes were careful, as was the rest of him as the fire cast long shadows over him, but there was no real animosity as the sincerity of my guilty conscious could not be doubted.
You and I are going to have a little discussion about that later, Edward, but for now there is a more pressing matter to discuss and its one that not even you will be able to dodge. Do they pose a threat? He asked as he stared directly into my eyes, searching for any truth I might hide. I need you to tell me if there is. I won't make any decisions on my own if it's the case, but I still need to know if this will expose or endanger us in any way. You know now what it feels like to surrender everything else in order to protect the one you love the most, so you understand why I'm asking this and you will also understand why I need the absolute truth.
Shaking my head firmly at his anxiety over the locals, I exuded perfect honesty as I answered him, knowing that if he felt the slightest hesitation or doubt on my part, my words would matter little to his ultimate plans. "No. I honestly don't see them posing a risk to us at all, Jasper. They value their anonymity as greatly as we value ours…they're not going to risk exposure over this when they know that we haven't broken any of the rules and they think that nothing has been breached from their side. We might be under more scrutiny, but it's not as if we weren't before this happened."
Assessing both my words and the emotions expressed through them for a long moment, Jasper nodded just once as he interpreted through every form he could that I was perfectly earnest. "If you're certain, Edward, then I'll take your word for it, but this might be just the beginning…are you prepared for might come next?" Eyeing me as he left the implications hanging heavily in the air, he left the room; following after Alice up the stairs but the thoughts that left with him did not reflect his ease, only his sudden intense interest in the locals. I would have to watch him more closely than ever before; adding yet another temptation to his already strained discipline could prove disastrous and unlike Emmett, he would not need to be provoked to act upon it.
Esme sighed very quietly from my side as she reached down to pick up my left hand, cradling it between her own as she uncurled the fingers from the fist I had unconsciously created. Turning to her, I smiled a little as her face was partially obscured by the darkness the light could not reach. I could feel her indecision without having to hear it as she looked pensively towards the stairs, but her primary concern was still for the girl she had yet to meet and what this might mean for her…You're sure that Bella will be all right with all of this? She is so very young and inexperienced, Edward.
Raising her hand to my lips, I pressed a gently reverent kiss to the back of it as I lowered my head to look her squarely in the eyes as she proved once more that the generosity of her heart knew no bounds even as the very real possibility of a threat loomed over her family. "Yes, I'm positive, Esme. You have no need to concern yourself. Bella is strong…sometimes I think she's stronger than I am." I knew already that Bella was stronger than I was, but was she strong enough to survive in a world she could never understand and never adapt to? I knew that answer already.
My darling boy, Esme responded, smiling serenely at me whilst remaining oblivious to my inner angst. I'm so happy that you met her, truly I am, and even though I know you're still not sure of what will happen, and you're scared of what it will mean when it does, the difference in you since she's touched your life has been worth seeing; every single second of it and for that alone, I am grateful to her for. Will you go to her tonight?
"Yes," I promised her, but there was something else that I needed to discuss first with Carlisle and it was a conversation that I would rather have as few witnesses to as possible. "Later. I need to speak to Carlisle first." Kissing my right cheek, Esme patted the other before she left to find Alice, understanding that this conversation was not for the ears of the general population. I was certain that there would be another protracted debate on the issue surrounding the Quileute's at a later stage, but for the moment each of us were lost in our thoughts and none of us were willing to voice them any further.
Joining me as he rose from his seat, Carlisle looked quizzically at me for a long moment before indicating towards the staircase and the sanctuary that was his study but I shook my head, instead jerking my head towards the window wall, indicating that perhaps outside would be better. Leaving the house through the rain that was now little more than a gentle patter after slipping on my shoes again, we ventured in silence towards the forest until we were deep within the woods, only stopping as we came to the precipice of a plunging cliff-face overlooking the darkly shadowed Olympic Mountain range. The absence of starlight made it seem more imposing than usual.
The curiosity playing on Carlisle's mind as he turned to me pulled upwards at the muscles around my mouth as I smiled, despite the gravity of the discussion I had planned with him as he asked, "What is it you wish to talk to me about, Edward? Is there something about the treaty that you're not telling the others or is there something else that you're preoccupied with?"
Moving closer to the crumbling edge, I peered out over the dripping forest, watching as the nightlife began to venture out again; foraging through the wet undergrowth and leaf mould for insects and fungi and wondering how to begin as I looked over towards him. "This has nothing to do with the treaty, Carlisle. This is about Bella."
Looking sharply at me, Carlisle's frown deepened as he recalled Esme's concern about Bella and my denials. "Do you think that they would do say anything to her or try to intimidate her? You reassured Esme they wouldn't, so why now is there a concern?"
Shaking my head at him as he once again assumed that my troubles revolved around the Quileute's, I answered him before his imagination ran away with him. "My concern is not about the Black's, Carlisle. I didn't lie to Esme or the others for that matter in an attempt to dilute her fears; I wouldn't. If I thought for a second that Bella would be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home, I would have interrupted their evening long ago. No, my problem revolves around Bella in a very different manner…in a manner that I have no way of dealing with because it is completely out of my sphere of reference."
Watching as his pale brows arched questioningly towards his hairline at my obvious discomfort, I was suddenly so fiercely glad that I had lost the ability to blush with my transformation that it did not matter that with it, I had also lost my humanity. "The more primitive, animalistic urges that I feel around her I can control relatively easily, some more so than others as you know, but it's the ones that I can't that leave me feeling as though I have no handle on them, that I have no way of adapting to them as I have everything else that I've come across since meeting Bella. I understand that there are limitations to our relationship that I can never overcome, but they create such conflicting hungers within me that I can't push them aside as easily as I was hoping I would…and they're only growing stronger, I fear, not more manageable."
Pausing, I let this sink in as I gathered myself, taking a deep breath before continuing, trying not to stumble over my own words in embarrassment. "Sexual attraction has never been an issue before because I've never met anyone that it qualifies to. When I was younger; still human I mean, I can't recall ever meeting anyone that I felt the remotest sense of desirability towards, and even if I had, it was a very different time and certainly not something I could act upon. Afterwards, the feelings of ambivalence towards everything and everyone ensured that it was never a thought that crossed my mind. Even with Tanya, who would be a more than willing partner, I have never felt anything more than a familial affection. That all changed when I realised that part of the complexity of my feelings towards Bella are sexual in nature. Obviously, it's something that I can never act upon, but I find that I'm struggling to not only understand it, but to work through it. In this regard, I'm afraid that I am woefully unprepared."
Carlisle tried and failed to hide his grin as my sentence drifted to a close. He was unused to any hesitancy or inadequacy on my part; to him, this was yet another sign that Bella was resurrecting within me, the human emotions that I believed I had lost with my change. "Forgive my amusement, Edward; it's just that I'm not accustomed to seeing you uncertain about anything with the exception of Bella. I understand that you have concerns regarding your feelings of carnal attraction towards Bella; it's only a natural occurrence that you should be feeling this way. You turned during your adolescence; a time in any man's life when his good judgment and common sense are overruled by hormonal upheaval…that would have stayed frozen and dormant within you when I turned you. Now that you've found someone who has, resurrected them for lack of a better word, it's only natural for you to feel confused and unbalanced by them. What you have to bear in mind is that with every impulse you exhibit, you also have the ability control it, but you have to approach it differently. Have these feelings led to any physical reactions, Edward?"
Looking up at the heavily shrouding clouds in abject mortification as Carlisle instinctively zeroed in on the crux of the matter, I felt myself shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another. No man should have to discuss a matter as indelicate as sexual arousal with his father; not even if that man was as patient and understanding as Carlisle, but the alternative was talking to Jasper, who would be more uncomfortable discussing it, then I would be or even worse as a last resort, Emmett…I shuddered at the thought.
"Not yet," I muttered in heavy embarrassment, wording myself carefully to avoid any further moments of awkwardness. "There are definite…stirrings, but physically I've been able to control my body and its more unruly reactions. I suppose what I'm really asking, Carlisle, is on the day that I can no longer control them, what do I do? How do I act or more importantly, react? The last thing I need is another aspect of my nature destabilizing my already rickety control."
Smiling very slightly, Carlisle nodded before continuing. "I'm afraid, Edward, that although I understand your anxiety over this, I don't have a ready answer for it. I can't identify with your situation because by the time I realized I loved Esme, she was already a vampire and there was no need for restraint; it was the same with both of your brothers." Clapping my lightly on the back as I despondently shook my head, he laughed at my expression of pained disgust. "I'm sorry. I know that wasn't the advice you were looking for and I would love nothing more than to help you, but on this, I can't. I'm afraid that you are going to have to stumble along this particular road alone until you find the right path. Just always remember, that if with Bella, you were able to overcome the killing instinct that would have claimed her life, you should be able to control other, equally as dangerous impulses just as easily. I have never doubted that one you set your mind to something, you would not fail to achieve it, Edward. This is no different."
Rolling my eyes, I felt like arguing that I wasn't so sure of that, but perhaps he was right in a way that I had yet to give thought to. The instinct to protect Bella had been the motivating force behind the control that had prevented me from taking her life, so perhaps I could apply the same thing in this situation. Certainly it was different, but was it really? Both would have seen her injured…or possibly worse, so it should be relatively simple to fight against it when I knew that her well-being depended on it.
Sliding my hands into the pockets of my jeans in a similar action to my father's, I looked at him for a long moment as he gazed back; his expression full of paternal sympathy that did not seem condescending in any way. "Thank you for your counsel anyway, Carlisle. I wasn't really expecting to find an easy answer…or any answer, really. I just thought a fresh perspective might help." Looking out over the valley, I suddenly felt the all-consuming urge to be in Forks and near Bella, even if it were at a safer distance. My longing must have shown on my face as Carlisle correctly interpreted where my thoughts were…go on, Edward. I think you've waited long enough to see Bella.
Nodding to him in thanks even as my body turned towards the town, I launched myself over the rift and landed lightly amongst the rain-speckled ferns on the other side, already running as I connected with solid ground. I could feel Carlisle's disturbed gaze following me until I disappeared over the ridge, but I knew where his concerns lay; he was not anxious over the seemingly tenuous grasp of my discipline, but as to what the future would hold for us. He had no immediate plans to leave the area, but if any further complications arose, that might not remain the same. I would have to be more careful…
Springing lightly over the fence in the Swan's back yard less than a minute later, I watchfully scanned the area; checking for any intrusive eyes, but it was close to midnight and the neighborhood was heavily asleep. Quickly scaling the house, I carefully lifted the greased window as I dangled from the struts above, swinging myself in to sit on the sill as I shucked my muddy shoes and dropped them to the ground below; mud-covered footprints decorating Bella's floorboards weren't easily explained. Pivoting around, I stepped into her warm, fragrantly rich bedroom and allowed for a few deep breaths, almost enjoying the dry, burning ache in my throat that had at one time seemed so intolerably painful. Walking quietly forward as I avoided the boards of the hardwood floor that I knew creaked, the sight of the innocent girl tangled in her sleepwear and bedding made me for a moment forget about everything in my world that was wrong.
Crouching over her, but holding myself carefully away, I smiled gently as my eyes traveled over her slumbering form. The night was cold after the rain and the covers had been pulled up almost to her slightly pointed chin, but at some stage, she had obviously become restless and a corner had been pulled away, revealing her t-shirt clad shoulder as it was partially covered by the tangle of dark brown hair twined into a messy plait.
Knowing that what I was about to do was wrong, but still somehow unable to help it as my resistance was once again easily defeated by an attraction I had no way of refusing, I slowly reached down and carefully moved Bella's hair to the side, exposing her shoulder and the skin revealed by wide, gaping neckline of the ragged t-shirt she slept in. Pulled taught to one side, Bella's clavicle was revealed as the silky strands made way for pale flesh and fragile bone. Swallowing convulsively against both the surge of venom and the urge to taste in a way that had nothing to do with biting, I thought back to Carlisle's words. He had said that impulses, even those of the basest nature, should be easily controlled, but as I looked down at the temptation incarnate of the girl I loved, I knew that he was wrong…and so was I.
The urge to touch and caress Bella was far stronger than the urge to take her life had ever been…
Moving away from her before I foolishly yielded, I banished myself to the rocking chair in the corner and sat in the darkness, watching her carefully as her deep slumber continued and my ever-shaky composure continued to unwind. Sex in itself was a complexity that I had thought I understood fully; I had seen and heard it countless times and in numerous ways, often more then I wanted to, but now, it felt as though I hadn't the faintest clue as to how to deal with it. Sitting forward slightly, I bent over as I hung my head, rubbing the nape of my neck in what felt like a kind of exhaustion that I could never truly experience as I tried to find a solution to a problem that was far trickier to work around than the others.
"Edward…"
I didn't react immediately to Bella's faint, breathy voice, choosing instead to remain still and seated as I continued to ponder my precarious situation. I could hear from her voice that she was still deeply asleep, so there was no great need to flee at the moment.
"Don't worry…everything's fine…"
Lifting my head finally, I frowned at Bella. She didn't want me to worry. She thought everything was fine? Could she really know what I was agonizing over? That seemed implausible. If she did, she would know that everything was not fine. Aside from the concerns in my head over my unraveling discipline, Alice's parting words also continued to remain ignored…you're wrong about the future of Bella's choosing…you might think you can control it and you might think that I'm purposefully trying to manipulate it to my advantage, but you're wrong on both cases. This will ultimately be her say, Edward…it always has been, whether you think it's safe or not. The sooner you accept that, the easier things will become. The certainty that had carried her words could not be denied, despite her inability to accurately pinpoint what still remained vague, but she couldn't be right…I couldn't allow her to be right. If left to Bella, the choices she would make would results in life-threatening consequences that I could never forgive myself for. The only decisions could be mine.
"Billy didn't say anything…to Charlie…didn't say anything…didn't…" Rolling over to her side, her unconscious comments drifted off as she made a faint snuffling sound and sank into unawareness.
As Bella continued to reassure me from her slumber that my presence had not created the complications I had dreaded and I realized that she had no real of knowing what it was now that I was lamenting over, the punishment of my indecision once again threatened to break down my resolve. Sitting back in the chair as I sighed quietly, I kept my gaze fixed on the girl I could not deny, but allowed my mind to wander aimlessly around in the hopes that it would find an answer to what I knew was the impossible; staying until the sun inevitably rose in the East and chased me home…