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MIDNIGHT SUN 2.0
~ CHAPTER NINETEEN ~
BALANCING
Home was where I should have gone. I had known that even as I had found that the direction of my flight away from Forks had changed course; pushing me farther away from it, but I also knew that I would find very little peace there to think clearly during a time that I desperately needed to remain objectively impartial. If I was surrounded by the swaying influences of the biased opinions that seemed to not only divide my family but my every course of action, it would make it almost impossible to accomplish, so home was not where I now stood as I watched the encumbered dawn struggle to break over the foggy peninsula as I in turn struggled with myself…
Early morning thermal updrafts wafted gently through the vast pine forests that lay before me; sweeping in its path, the shrouding mist that curled upwards from the moist earth beneath my feet. It wove eerily through the jagged cresting of the trees and floated into the already water-logged atmosphere, creating a hazy halo that surrounded the already muted glow of the rising sun. The ghostly gloom that seemed as natural to this land as sand-dunes did to a desert would not last the weekend; Alice's vision, coupled with the shift and rise in Barometric pressure around me was proof enough that the sun would make a welcome return to the inhabitants of the wet peninsula, but as I shifted my feet in restless agitation at the crumbling cliff-face that Carlisle and I had stood at only hours before, I knew the certainty of that would not make any of the decisions I would have to make over the next few hours any easier. Like the land around me, my judgment was murky with uncertainty and misted with doubt.
Running the flat of my tongue over the edge of teeth lethally sharpened by the predatory evolution inherent to my species, my dilating pupils were caught and held by weak fragments of light in the distance as they splintered and refracted off the surface of fern spores and dust particles bobbing and weaving in the breeze; helplessly carried to a destination not of their choosing and to a future that was unclear. The similarity between my predicament and theirs was not lost to me, nor was the irony that months before, the thought of their plight would not have interested me in the slightest. Bella's influence had created a budding empathy within my cold, hard conscious that had almost been forgotten in the chaos and turmoil of the transformation that had replaced my mortality with immortality.
This should have been a positive change to an existence that had bordered on virtual stagnation before her arrival, but it only drove home the point that my dependency on Bella was growing uncontrollably into a false sense of security that I did not have the luxury of allowing myself to have. Everything that was corrupt or false about the sham that was our relationship felt true and right as long as she was by my side; no matter the circumstances or the opportunity. It was a problem that I knew I did not have the strength to rectify on my own…a problem that would more than likely be taken care of whether I wanted it to be or not, as by the end of tomorrow; the Saturday already preplanned to determine an outcome that could end in either unmitigated joy or unendurable agony, the equilibrium of my existence that had shifted so radically out of place would finally right itself, but to what end? It was that question that now caused the almost unendurable tension within my still form.
How would I treat today, perhaps the last I had with Bella, knowing that tomorrow's possibilities could rapidly turn into a nightmare that would end all other hopes and desires? How could I possibly hope to control myself around her when it felt as though I was constantly off balance for reasons that I could never fathom? How did I find a way to stop myself from falling to my knees and begging her to stay away from me for her own sake and that of mine just so that I could eke out one more day with her like the hoarder I was? I couldn't. I knew that already, but it didn't stop me from wishing there was a way to circumvent the outcome that tomorrow would bring no matter what it was.
Sighing heavily in disgust at the helpless frustration I could not overcome, I looked down at the muddy indentations of the imprints left behind by Carlisle not yet washed away by the rain; placing the mud-encrusted souls of my own shoes within the underlapping boundaries of his, hoping to find that he had somehow imparted at least of little of his wisdom and fortitude into the soil…anything really that I could use in this situation to help make it more bearable, but I could find nothing more than the blind faith he had always so trustingly placed in me. Faith that I hoped I would not betray.
His utter belief in me as I had continued to downplay the Quileute's involvement last night was testament to that trust, but it brought with it a wealth of guilt. Whilst I had told them the larger part of the truth and truly did believe that they were not a threat to us, there was something that I had omitted. Billy Black's defensive demeanor had created a knot of unease within me I had yet to understand and could therefore not adequately explain without arousing more suspicion than I could calm. I hadn't been able to correctly interpret it then, as his blind panic over Bella's safety had made the significance somehow dimmer, but there was a nagging suspicion at the back of my mind that gave me the sense I should have paid more careful attention to it.
Running the rough pad of my forefinger over the safely stowed lid that was my only tangible link to Bella, I closed my eyes to the land that surrounded me and wondered at exactly what point my existence had become a juggling act that I no longer controlled?
Each aspect of my existence: Bella, my family, the Quileute's, my fears, doubts and desires should have been equally important and therefore considered equal to the whole as I balanced them all together, but I already knew they were not, so how did I place equal value on what I was already prepared to sacrifice in order to gain what I wanted the most when I didn't know how to accomplish it?
I had never doubted my ability to manage the more extreme aspects of vampirism; once identified and learnt, the knowledge to control was easily used, but this was different in ways that I had yet to master, because I had never before been in a position in which I had to choose one thing I valued over another. I already knew that between the tangible representations of both Bella and my family that there could only ever be one that I chose; one that I would chose above all others, but how could I reconcile that knowing that I would be essentially abandoning those who had stood at my side through the decades of my life?
Lifting back my lids, I narrowed my eyes slightly as the forest around me began to heat and brighten under the touch of the muted sunlight, but I no longer saw the beauty or the relevance of what it meant. I only saw the endless cycle of life and death and wondered with a morosely morbid attitude, when and how I would be contributing to it again. The balance of life was both precarious and precious; the one bleeding into the next often without even knowing it was dying, but to find the middle ground was the key that so many often overlooked. Perhaps it was the solution to my problems as well; I had to find a way to balance everything. The problem was, how?
How could I when the seconds that continued to tick away until tomorrow felt like a noose tightening around my neck? I dreaded the end of today more than I did the beginning of tomorrow whilst all the while knowing that the outcome from tomorrow was as necessary in its own way. The fatal flaw of my plan was that even knowing that I might not want the outcome; I was powerless to stop it from happening. Bella wouldn't help me with it; she was as eager as I was reluctant for whatever would come.
Looking down once more at Carlisle's impressions, I tried to understand why my father; a man who knew me better than I knew myself in so many ways…better often, then even Alice, could continue to place such confidence in me. What did he see in me that I could never see myself?
His unstinting certainty in my abilities had always made the self-loathing I clung to so righteously seem undeserved and self-pitying, but I had never understood how he could view me like this when he knew what I had been capable of before, what I had almost been capable of again and what I could be capable of in the future. His words from before floated back to me on the mist; words that I had discredited whilst I sat watching Bella sleeping for one reason, but perhaps they would be useful in another…"I'm afraid that you are going to have to stumble along this particular road alone until you find the right path. Just always remember, that if with Bella, you were able to overcome the killing instinct that would have claimed her life, you should be able to control other, equally as dangerous impulses just as easily. I have never doubted that once you set your mind to something, you would not fail to achieve it, Edward. This is no different."
Exhaling warily, I again found myself wanting desperately to believe in his trust, but as he had previously stated, Carlisle couldn't identify with anything in my present situation, so how could he possibly understand that it was never as easily accomplished as it was said? Putting action to words in my case could set a dangerous precedent…one that I could ill-afford to indulge in. Lingering for a few minutes as I continued to steel myself both mentally and emotionally for the coming day, I watched as the weak sun threw dappled shadows over the Olympic Mountains; rising higher in the sky with each passing moment as it once again forced me to acknowledge that whilst I could control most things, time was not one of them. Bella was expecting me and although I would almost certainly horrify and disappoint her tomorrow…if not worse, today I would give her all that I could; all that I could allow. I owed it not only to her, but to myself as well.
Pivoting swiftly on my ankle as the mud beneath my feet squelched wetly, I began the journey home, hoping that I would be able to clean up, change and leave without meeting any of my siblings…especially either of my sisters. I had no doubt that Rosalie would decide to grace Forks High with her presence today; she valued their awe and admiration too highly to miss another day of school basking in their wonder but an unpleasant encounter with her before I left to pick up Bella was the last thing I needed. Alice's presence, although not as disagreeable to deal with, wasn't going to be any more pleasant. Despite her anger with me last night, the stinging recriminations she had leveled at me and her promise to allow me the first introduction at my own time and place, I knew that she would not simply be content to sit on the sidelines and wait…not with knowing what she did about the duality of tomorrow and would almost certainly make her move today; Alice was a complication I could do without.
Jasper and Emmett I had no doubt would each seek retribution for my high-handed treatment of their respective partners in their own way when they had the opportunity to corner me; Jasper's would be subtle and double-edged, Emmett's not as delicate or diabolical, but brutally effective. I grinned broadly at the prospect of physical confrontation, almost eagerly anticipating running into them. Not because brute force was usually the way I dealt with issues, but because it might be the only way of ridding myself of the excess frustration I was unaccustomed to dealing with…frustration I was beginning to recognize, was a physical symptom of my own personal affliction: Bella.
Approaching the house from the northeast, my intention was to jump directly to the third-floor balcony and slip quietly into my room, but as I cleared first the river and then the wooded area around the front lawn, my sure stride faltered slightly as dull sunlight glinting off a golden cascade of curls attached to one that I had hoped to avoid, twinkled through the mist clinging to the trees…Rosalie. Standing at the gleaming silver railing of the balcony below mine with her arms folded tightly over her silk-adorned chest, the breeze brushed aside her hair as it swept over her face but this veil did not alter the look in her honey-tinted eyes as she glowered with malevolence towards me. The look matched the thoughts in her vindictive mind as she effectively cut me off from my point of entry.
Normally the venom that accompanied her view of my presence was based on her own jealous expectations, or lack of them, in whatever form it chose at that moment, but it was different this time as the snide comments floated out towards me. The obvious mistrust and resentment that now overshadowed the pettiness of her usual attitude put me instantly on guard. I knew that none of the others would have opened a can of worms they knew they could never close, but her entire posture spoke of suspicion.
Rosalie was many things; most of which were unpleasant, but she was not stupid. Whilst she might have been blinded by her own prejudice views towards not only Bella but to myself as well, her feminine intuition told her that something was wrong, something that the others would say nothing about and it put her in a particularly vicious mood as she silently sneered at me as whilst I detoured towards the front steps and away from her…You think you're so clever. You think you have everyone fooled with your noble intentions and your virtuous love for this human, but you are lying to them and you are lying to yourself. They're weak, pathetic…worthless, beneath us. You're willing to sell what's left of that blood-stained soul of yours in order to keep her, but what happens when you lose her, Edward? What happens when after you chose her over us, after you alienate what's left of your family, she dies? What will become of you then? She will die, Edward…they always do and you'll have no one left to defend you, no one left to tell you you're right and give you comfort. You'll have nothing…and when it's done, I'll remind you of that every day for the rest of your miserable eternity…
There was no outward change in Rosalie's posture as she delivered her scathing diatribe, but the satisfied glow deep within the icy depths of her golden eyes betrayed her satisfaction as her words hit their intended mark with the accuracy of a skilled archer. Turning on her heel with a toss of her flaxen head, she crossed the balcony and quietly closed the sliding door behind her, having nothing more to say on the matter…for the moment.
Snarling beneath my breath as the rage spawned by her words threatened to dissolve the last of the restraint I so badly needed for Bella, I continued on my path, stalking grimly up the front stairs and through the main lounge, uncaring as to the mud I was tracking through the house as the echoing menace of her delivery continued to dog my every footstep; the truth of them refusing to be ignored as I sprinted up the stairs and into my room before I was cornered by anyone else whose opinions they wanted to share. Hadn't I only just been arguing with myself over those very words only minutes earlier? How had she known so quickly and without anything else to go by, that everything I was now struggling with boiled down to not only my personal conflict but to family loyalty as well?
Cleaning up without meeting the fury reflecting back at me from the foggy mirror of the adjoining bathroom, I padded through the thick gold carpet, skirting the piles of books stacked similarly to Bella's on the floor and into the closet to change; trying to focus my attention on the upcoming day as I stabbed my legs into a pair of black jeans, but Rosalie's rant would not be so easily forgotten. I had known that the majority of my family's unflinching support scrapped bluntly over her nerves as though raw and exposed, but I hadn't fully realised the extent of her bitterness towards them until now. Did she honestly believe that should the worst come to the worst, they would simply wash their hands of me…of any of us for that matter, should anyone else be in the same situation?
The idea was absurd; she should have known that already, but her wrath towards me blinded her to everything else and what was worse, to the pain she would cause me without seeming regard by reminding me of something I would always take into account...the fragility of the human condition that was Bella's. Of course I knew she would die, how could it not? I did not need to be reminded of that – not ever!
Shoving my arms aggressively through the sleeves of the thick grey jersey hanging closest, I roughly jerked it over my head and ran my fingers through my still-damp hair with barley controlled violence, fighting against myself to confront her again now; uncaring as to where Emmett was or to how he would feel about it. Obviously Rosalie had not learnt to treat my previous warnings with the respect they deserved. Perhaps another more succinct summation of my feelings would be beneficial to her.
Striding out of the closet with purpose, I stopped short as I saw Alice lounging indolently on my leather sofa, waiting for me; her slender legs encased in thick leggings were crossed at her delicate ankles and her brows arched towards her closely cropped hairline as she predicted the path of my actions and willfully changed my course of action without my consent…it won't help, you know. Emmett will step in and the only thing that will happen is your relationship will become strained, which would please Rosalie immeasurably. Now I know that despite your irritation with her, that isn't something you want, so just let it go, Edward. Also, it will put in you in a foul mood and considering that you're heading to Bella, it doesn't seem like the smartest idea. Trust me, or at least pretend to listen to me, on this, as you refuse to listen to me on anything else.
Snorting as I listened to her and only slightly frustrated that her logic was working against my desire for retribution, I turned to reach out to pocket my talisman from its place on the glass cabinet of the stereo where I had left it before changing; stowing it safely away as I began to turn back the cuffs of the jersey, eyeing Alice as she continued to watch me carefully, trying to predict an action I did not yet know myself. I was deliberately letting her stew; the remark last night about agreeing with Rosalie's point of view was not something I was likely to forget despite my apology to her. Finally, she shook her head at my deliberate actions as I meticulously straightened the cuffs over the bones of my wrists and aligned the seams perfectly, throwing up her hands up in exasperation as she sat up and scowled at me, losing all patience.
"I know what you're doing, Edward Cullen, and I know that you think that you've somehow got the better of me, but I will find a way to work around all your machinations, ploys and plans, you can be sure of that. You need me today; you just don't want to admit it." Rising gracefully to her feet, she swept a deeply assessing gaze over me as she smoothed her woolen skirt down, but still frowned in disgust as I only blandly gazed back at her, refusing to give anything away as she looked ahead for what was still so uncertain.
Darting forward so quickly her movements blurred slightly under my sharp gaze, she stuck her hand into my pocket and retrieved the lemonade lid before I could intercept or stop her. Raising it to the light, her mouth twisted as she viewed it with different eyes and a different perspective to my own…mmmm, this might help, but I can't see how; you've become awfully sentimental, haven't you? You're going to need this tonight to get you through the hours without her, by the way; you're not going to be in her room at all tonight nor anywhere near her for that matter. Grimacing, she frowned at me quickly before looking again at the cap as I listened more carefully to her words…you also need to hunt today, so maybe it would be better to skip Biology and the end of the movie and leave after lunch. We can both ditch and go hunting together, that way you'll at least be spared that torment. You know that if you go hunting alone, you'll wallow and cave and with Emmett or Jasper you'll end up fighting…I'm still the supportive one, even if you don't want me to be.
Replacing the charm to its rightful place, Alice glowered briefly at me once more before she disappeared from the room, leaving me reeling as to what she had just said. Why wouldn't I be spending the night hours with Bella and why would I deliberately miss the Biology lesson when it meant time alone with her? There was no sense to Alice's prediction as I tried to fit her words to the unknown, but there was nothing there yet to join it to. What did she know that she would not reveal…and why? Anxiety bore down over me as I left my room, hoping to find Alice in hers and corner her before I left for Forks, but she was nowhere to be found. Frowning at the convenience of her sudden disappearance, I jogged down the first flight of stairs as I listened to every other voice in the house and the surrounding area, but I could not find her anywhere.
Hissing in frustration, I rounded the wood-paneled corner at speed but came to a grinding halt as my path was blocked by Emmett and Jasper grappling furiously with each other on the second-floor landing; Emmett had finally enticed Jasper into another round and was trying to strong-arm him into submission. Esme was noticeably absent or she would have taken them to task; firstly for fighting with each other, secondly for fighting with each other in the very breakable house she had lovingly restored.
Not in the mood to participate in their roughhousing after Alice's enigmatic confession, even though it would provide the physical violence I had craved earlier, I crossed my arms over my chest and impatiently waited for them to move. Picking them up and throwing them down the stairs to speed up the process wouldn't be the most conducive way to begin a day that was already shaping up to be one I was sure I would sooner forget.
"Do you think that you two could maybe do this somewhere else, please? Preferably outside, as some of us have elsewhere to be." I hissed testily at both of them as Emmett momentarily lost his limited concentration and allowed Jasper the upper hand. Looping a steel-strung arm around Emmett's throat in a headlock that I doubted even he had the strength to break, the pair continued to pay scant attention to my pithy comments or presence as Emmett grunted and whined internally…what the hell was that?! Dammit, I can't let him beat me again! It's just humiliating and Jasper mocked him silently…I told you not to start something that you couldn't finish, Emmett.
Sensing an easy victory, Jasper continued to easily subdue Emmett as he shifted to kick out the back of his knees, forcing him into submission as he grinned in triumph. Emmett was stronger; his colossal strength never something to be taken lightly, but I had never seen anyone outmaneuver faster than Jasper. A seasoned fighter; none of us were a match for our elder brother's savoir-faire or the speed of the movement in which he applied it. Enjoying Emmett's frustration as he easily interpreted it, I shook my head at the pair of them wondering how I had never noticed before that when it came to dominating an adversary, Jasper was just as infantile as Emmett.
Forcing him to one knee as the honey-coloured wooden floor beneath it began to shudder and creak in protest, Jasper pressed his own into Emmett's back as he prepared to wrestle him to the floor, heckling into his ear, "surrender?!" to which Emmett – enraged by the ease of which he was about to be defeated and widening margin between them – roared back loudly, "never!" Fast enough so that Jasper missed the change in emotive reaction, Emmett dropped out from beneath his grip and flipped to his back, launching a kicking attack with both feet that struck Jasper square in the chest and sent him flying through the air, crashing into the wall at the other end of the hallway and completely pulverizing one of Esme's favourite watercolors hanging there. Despite my annoyance with them, I was mildly impressed by the sneakiness of his counter-attack; Emmett wasn't usually given to forethought.
"Whoo!" Leaping to his feet, Emmett crowed loudly in triumph as he bounced on the balls of his feet like a boxer fresh from defeating his opponent, curling his fingers invitingly towards Jasper as if beckoning him forward again; success making him cocky to the retribution that Jasper was sure to exact. Rising swiftly from the shards of glass and splinters of the destroyed frame that surrounded him, Jasper flipped the hair covering his eyes with an aggressive snap of his head and baring his teeth, made to charge, but he was unable to execute his revenge against Emmett as Esme yelled from the westward facing patio below. "What was that?!" and Rosalie appeared at the end of the corridor, scowling at all of us as she shrugged into her jacket.
Wincing with only a very small measure of compassion as my brothers grimaced and straightened from their attacking positions, I smirked condescendingly at them as I ignored Rosalie; waving my fingers in a mock farewell as I passed between them. "Nice knowing you two." Sauntering out now that my path was clear, I heard them each react differently as Esme flew past me up the stairs to confront them…Ah, damn! Emmett groaned as he looked for a quick exit, but other than jumping through a window, he was trapped and then Jasper's…I'm going to butcher Emmett for starting this in the house...as he blocked any avenue of escape for Emmett. Esme did not have many rules for those she considered her children, but one of the most important and absolute of them all had just been broken and there would be hell to pay for it. She might be all heart, but never let it be said that Esme Cullen could not entertain rages as easily as the rest of us.
Almost sorry that I would miss their reprimands; I continued swiftly on to the garage, my spirits moderately lifted by the prospect of their discomfort at Esme's hands even as I continued to look for my mysteriously absent sister but to no avail; she was nowhere to be found. Unlocking the Volvo as I continued to question what her actions could mean, I reversed smoothly out and turned for the driveway, but the fluttering of a bell sleeve to my left caught my attention. Slowing down as I navigated the twists of the pathway without having to actually look at it, the mist filtering in through the forest wrapped around the lone, pale figure of Alice as she stood to the left of the house, staring at me as I drove away. For one second, our gazes locked and an indefinable moment passed between us. It was full of silent fears and acknowledgments, but for what? Jumping on the brakes, I made to open the door and collar her if need be for the answers I wanted, but Alice was gone before my fingers had reached the door-handle.
"What game are you playing now, Alice?" I muttered tightly to myself as I put the car back in gear and headed out. Frustrated that she would keep to herself, something that she clearly should not when she never usually did, I pondered over her silence and strange behaviour as I drove slower than normal through the damp streets of Forks. What was clear from her silence was a warning; it did not take much to figure that out, but a warning about what? Treading carefully through today? Staying away tonight? Keeping to the course for tomorrow? I had an uncomfortable feeling it was a strong combination of all three.
I could understand that she would want me to be cautious about today and especially about tomorrow, but why should I forgo all my time with Bella? The hours I spent with her as she slept were some of the most treasured in memory, ones that I would jealously guard and commit, so why was it that I should now have to do without them on a night that I needed them the most? I didn't need them to remind me of what I already had, but of what I could stand to lose.
Pulling into the Swan's vacant driveway a few minutes later as the gravel loosened by years of weather-geared tires and erosion crunched loudly beneath my tires, I had yet to understand the meaning behind Alice's words and knew that if I continued to do so, they would only take away more than they would give. Rolling down the windows to allow for the wet, cool air to flow unimpeded, I switched off the engine to wait for Bella, catching just the disappearing edge of her father's thoughts as he drove towards the station he shared with his deputy as they oversaw their tiny precinct. I latched onto them desperately, grateful that I had something relatively normal to think about as he grumbled to himself about leaving Bella alone too much, something he had obviously voiced to his daughter the night before,. It was yet another conversation I had missed thanks to the arrival of the Black's.
I could only begin to imagine how difficult it must be for him to adapt to this new situation with his daughter. Humans were creatures of habit; I knew that well, so Bella's arrival must have upset that habit quite drastically. Having spent so many years as an entrenched bachelor, his routine by this stage would have become almost second nature and difficult for him to break. Anyone who cared to look carefully enough could see how desperately he loved his only child, but his inability to express himself openly to her wasn't exactly conducive to easy affection.
Rolling my eyes as my fingers beat a restless rhythm against the polished panel of the Volvo's door with barely restrained impatience, I hissed to myself as I realised disgustedly that I was no better than Charlie. "You're not exactly shouting it from the roof tops, are you, Edward? How many times have you expressed to Bella your love for her without actually ever saying the words?" Charlie's excuse was based on a communication problem; mine was based on cowardice. Was it the right time to openly express her significance to me now when tomorrow could prove to be our undoing? I knew that it wasn't, but the uncomfortable notion that she might not know going in tomorrow gnawed at me. I should have said it before, because tomorrow, I might not have the chance.
Head falling back against the padded rest as I viciously cursed my indecision, I inhaled deeply as the clean, untainted mountain air swept over the valleys, fortifying myself for the almost-welcome ordeal that was Bella's scent, knowing that once I had her in the car, I would shut the windows to keep her scent in the car, not allowing it to mingle or dilute with any other…I truly was a masochist.
As I thought about the severity of my degeneration, the front door to Bella's house was once again yanked open with an enthusiasm that spoke volumes for the depth of Bella's longing to be with me…longing that I should have discouraged from the beginning, but what I now coveted almost as much as her safety. I wanted very badly to be able to leave my car in the mornings, to walk up to her front door instead of sneaking in through the window at night, to knock on the door and greet her there, to walk her carefully to my car as I held her arm…her wrist…her hand, to open the door for her and seat her securely, but I knew that it was still too dangerous for my presence to be made more known in the town. I had no doubt that there were already those around me that knew, but there was no sense in further inciting curiosity if this went no further than tomorrow.
Instantly glum, I forced myself to focus on the moment, whether it was right to or not; determined to have today and to make the most of it as Bella slammed the door locked behind her and almost skipped towards me, carefully avoiding the puddles and icy patches not yet warmed by the temperature already on the rise. Grinning at her in an enjoyment I had no right to feel as she smiled back in reaction, Bella reached the car, opened the door and got in without a second of her previous hesitation.
Dressed similarly to yesterday, the only change in Bella's outward appearance was a t-shirt and cardigan combination in mottled greens over cream corduroys. Hair was again clipped away from the smooth, pale expanse of her forehead and was loosely braided and pinned at her nape in a tangled bun with more tendrils escaping than were held. I felt an absurd sense of disappointment that I could reach over to touch it, even briefly, as I had yesterday when I had swept it out of my way to clearly see her face or last night as I had exposed the bones of my obsession, but that was probably for the best as the pads of my fingertips already tingled and ached for her warmth without cease.
Tossing her bag to the floor at her feet, Bella reached around to pull the seatbelt around her slender form and clipped in into place, lifting her head to look directly into the darkening gold of my eyes as she absently tucked a falling lock of hair behind the delicate shell of her ear, lightly grazing her fingertip across the soft, unpierced lobe before she looked down to adjust the strap over her shoulder…it was an enticing, alluring piece of flesh that on all others, was simply an adornment, but not on Bella. Shaking my head in defeat, I groaned too quietly for her to hear; this was going to be a day full of temptation, I could feel it. Maybe that was why Alice had insisted I leave before Biology; she had already foreseen my disintegrating self-control.
No touching today, Edward, I warned myself as severely as I during the days before, curling my fingers more securely over the steering wheel. You don't need any more weak excuses.
Assessing her appearance instead of touching it, I noted with contentment that she looked well rested – not that I didn't already know that – and brightly alert this morning. I knew from her reassurance last night, that the Black's visit had not caused her undue anxiety, but the physical proof of that made her unconscious comforting all the more plausible. Breathing evenly, I suppressed the inferno of agony that singed through my throat and the instinctive pull of death that allured me to her always and instead, concentrated on rotating the questions I had yet to find the answers to, but first things first.
"How did you sleep?" I asked, gently neutral; not giving away anything more than was expected of the common place question as I stifled my amusement at the absurdity of the request I softly demanded each morning. Starting the car, I rolled the windows up with a quiet, electric hum and reversed from the driveway, heading for school at a moderate pace to stall against the inevitability of the passing time.
"Fine." Bella replied almost as inaudibly; her soft, willing smile still in evidence as she tucked her hands between her crossed thighs for warmth and turned her head towards me. I looked away from her legs quickly as I adjusted the vents to direct the flow towards her and switched on the heater, wincing only slightly as her scent was propelled around the interior of the car. "How was your night?"
I found myself grinning as Bella completed her platitude, switching on the windscreen wipers as a light drizzle began to fall. This was not as obvious an attempt to wheedle information from me about my own nocturnal activities as yesterday's outright enquiry had been, but it was still an attempt. Her curiosity was almost as incurable as my own as I answered her. "Pleasant."
Catching her frown from the corner of my eye, I continued to grin as I pulled into the school grounds but was forced to stop behind Jessica in the line to get into the parking lot. Her eyes widened until her lids almost folded over her eyebrows as she saw us behind her through the foggy rear window of her car. Loosing focus, she ground the gears together as her foot slipped off the clutch and almost stalled the car. Smirking at her as she looked back at me in her rear-view mirror and her cheeks flamed brightly red, she squealed off in a cloud of exhaust fumes and burning clutch as the smog lingered behind with her chagrined thoughts…damn, damn, damn. Why did it have to be him of all people? Was Bella with him? I didn't see.
Following at a more sedate pace, I pulled in at the back of the lot and parked behind an enormous Sycamore, scowling as I saw Rosalie's car parked close to the entrance stairwell beside Emmett's jeep. Turning to Bella, I found her still frowning at me; clearly still curious as to why my replies to her questions were arousing within her more suspicion than satisfaction. Knowing already without the advantage of hearing her that she was going to try and press her luck again, I waited politely for her to ask and was not disappointed.
"Can I ask what you did?" Her voice as well as the question was filled with undisguised hope…hope that was about to turn into disappointment as her inquisitiveness prodded her to ask.
Smiling broadly to soften the rejection, I leaned towards her slightly and denied her yet again as her pupils dilated, her pulse jumped and her teeth sank into her plush bottom lip. "No. Today is still mine."
The morning and early afternoon passed in a type of sustained blur as I walked Bella to, left her at and again waited for her after, each class that we were apart. In the short spaces of time we were together, I asked about her family members, wanting to know if there had been any others that had influenced her unique soul and makeup.
There had been only one to speak of, she had explained whilst walking to Spanish, only one grandparent she had ever known; her maternal grandmother, Marie, the woman whose name she bore as her second I delightedly learnt. Both Renée and Charlie had been only children, so there was no talk of aunts, uncles or cousins as Renée's parents had divorced when she was a child and Charlie's parents had died before Bella had been born. The memory of this matriarch had brought with it an unpleasant crossing of Bella's brows, as if there was something about her mother's mother that troubled her. When pressing for further information, Bella had merely shrugged, dismissing it almost instantly. I had allowed the subject to drift to a close, but it was something that I would remind her of later if I had the chance.
From what I could recall of my own biological family history as we walked to English and I listened to Bella explain Charlie's parents struggle to conceive a child, was that my parents had both come from middle-size families of affluence. There had been the odd occasions over the decades when I had considered tracking down the members of the family I no longer belonged to, curious to see how many had survived the influenza that had claimed so many during my seventeenth year of life; my last as a human, but I already knew the answer to that as there had been no claims made to the family fortune that lay in a dormant trust fund for years before I re-inherited it. In a sense, Bella and I had only our immediate families surrounding us. Our sense of family history was lost somewhere in a time neither of us could ever recover.
Walking through the quiet halls on my way to fetch Bella from her Trigonometry class – I had only just managed to avoid being manacled by Emmett in Spanish; he was still smarting after Esme's scolding and was looking for any excuse to goad me – I thought about what she had told me over the last few hours, trying to compare our history and reconcile it to a future that might never materialize. There was no common link between us, but for some reason, the lack of that only endeared me to her more.
Leaning against the door, I listened – internally and externally – to the level of excitement that seemed to rise by the minute within the classroom as the day wound down. It was not only because it was Friday and the lure of the weekend beckoned, but because it was the beginning of Spring Break in the state of Washington. Days of uninterrupted freedom lay ahead for the students of this town and not even the thought of the assignment Mr. Varner was industriously handing out this very minute dampened their spirits.
From my own past experience, the breaks in the school year were simply as uneventful as weekends or holidays; one day in a tedious existence began to resemble all the others when there was nothing left worth doing, but this weekend would signal what could be a new beginning for an existence that no longer resembled anything remotely like the tedium it had previously been. Come the end of tomorrow, it could hold the potential to mean something else entirely. The negative that came with the positive was always at the back of my mind, but for the moment, I refused to allow it the podium it always sought, listening instead through the door to the teacher as he droned on…
"…All right everyone; remember that I want the original working papers to be included in the answer sheet when you get back from Spring Break. Please mark them clearly as your own and staple or paper-clip them to the other sheets. Have a good break." The bell signaling the end of the period called out shrilly as the lecturer ended his announcements but it was almost lost as the cacophony of chairs being scrapped hurriedly across the scuffed floor as bags were collected, books were stowed and jackets were grabbed, nearly drowned out his words.
Leaning away, I rested my back flat against the brickwork on the other side as the door was flung open and exuberant students began to spill out, talking and gesturing to each other animatedly as they made their way to the cafeteria for lunch and the hallways filled with noise and hot-blooded warmth. Jessica preceded Bella from the room as she hurried along with the others, eager to secure a seat at Bella's former table next to Newton. Only barely noticing me, she did a double take as she always did and almost crashed into Lauren Mallory in front of her, only righting herself at the final moment. She had still not recovered entirely from her blunder this morning in the parking lot and this almost gaffe made under my watchful gaze only made the humiliation that much worse as she almost slinked away.
I considered smiling and waving at her, but I really didn't need the unwanted attention she might suddenly decide to lavish on me should I give her the slightest indication that I was the least bit interested…which I wasn't. Behave yourself, Edward, I commanded myself as Bella stepped out of class, her ludicrously tempting aroma heralded her actual arrival with its customary burn. Seeing my prone form almost instantly, Bella moved off to the side to join me, stopping a few inches away as the classroom emptied; her mobile lips curving upwards in greeting as she moved infinitesimally closer to my relaxed posture; a ruse, as the excitement that thrummed through it at her nearness could barely be contained.
"How was Trig?" I probed politely as I pushed away from the wall and turned towards her, feeling her draw reach out to envelope me even as I promised myself I would obey my self-imposed rules for as long as I could, feeling actual animosity towards it for not the first time. The insidious fiend within me had been quiet for a while…too quiet and I knew that any excuse I made would be the opening it was looking for, so I would give it none.
Tilting my head slightly to the open corridor, I listened for Alice as Bella adjusted her bag over her shoulder – knowing that I should take it from her, but also knowing that if I did, I would be subjected to a look of disdain I could do without – almost certain that she would be lurking around a cornering somewhere. She had yet to try anything, but her cryptically vague words this morning as well as her lingering looks from the forest had me on edge. Whether I wanted her to be or not, she was already a complication that I would have to deal with.
Twisting her mouth in abject distaste, Bella shoved her hands into the pockets of her cardigan and muttered sourly as we began to walk towards the lunch room, answering my question almost reluctantly. "Wonderful. It's my favorite subject. I don't know how I'm managing to pass it now let alone how I'm going to pass it next year."
Chuckling in enjoyment at the clear revulsion in her voice, I looked away quickly as she turned to glare at me. I had no doubt that despite her clear dislike for the subject, that she was more than capable of passing it without much difficulty or prompting. She had been in an advanced placement program in Phoenix after all and I already knew just how bright she was. Perhaps it would only take tutoring to bring out her confidence in the subject. Frowning at the thought, I glanced down at her again, but she was staring forward, nibbling on her bottom lip again.
Should I offer my help on the matter? I certainly knew the intricacies of the subject far better than any of her contemporaries or even her peers and I also knew how quick she was in absorbing and applying new information, so it would probably only take her a lesson or two to grasp the finer details surrounding the subject, but should I offer my assistance to her knowing that I might not be able to fulfil the promise? If the outcome of tomorrow resulted in the leaving of this small, foggy town, wouldn't it all be pointless and that much harder?
Feeling myself slide backwards into the crippling, suffocating grip of my doubts, I forced myself to remain in the present…if I stumbled now; I knew that nothing else would be accomplished today. Uncertain as to how Bella would react to my offer, I tried to keep it as light as possible. Leaning in closer as we entered the noisy cafeteria, I whispered teasingly in her ear as we headed to the lunch line. "You do know that if you ever needed help with any of this, Bella, that you could always ask me, right? I would be more than willing to help you."
Frowning up at me, Bella's mouth twitched as she digested my words and we waited our turn in the line, uncertain I was sure, as to how to interpret this boon. "What, you would…tutor me?" The heavy disbelief behind her words curled my own lips upwards, but not into a smile. Why did she sound so disbelieving – and why did I feel insulted that she did?
"Yes," I mocked softly as I again reminded her that I was no average human teenager. "I have done this a few times, you know. There isn't much they can teach that I don't already know, Bella." Grinning down at her, I indicated that she choose whatever she wanted for lunch from the steaming platters. Grabbing a bagel and Greek salad, I frowned at the light choices of her meal, but did not press her as I added another bagel, grabbed the closest bolognaise and paid for the food before she could raise any objections.
Walking to our table, I conscientiously avoided my family as I seated Bella first and sat across from her, pushing the food in her direction, but I could not avoid them entirely. Rosalie's mental darts were louder than anyone else's thoughts and refused to go unheard as they echoed above the racket in the room…what more will you reveal to her today, brother? How many secrets do you have left and when will you be satisfied? When she knows everything and then betrays you and us...Jasper was stewing beside her as I viciously blocked her out; not because he was feeding directly off her baleful attitude, but because he, like Emmett, was still smarting from Esme's scolding this morning. He was unused to answering to anyone for anything, with the exception of Alice, so it rankled a bit that he was being treated like a child.
Emmett was sulking on the other side of Rosalie; his reasons not dissimilar to Jasper's, but tangled together with the turmoil I had created with his wife and the fact that he felt as though I was excluding him from everything by way of my constant disappearances and brooding temperament and Alice…well, Alice's thoughts were even louder than Rosalie's for a change and they too would not be disregarded…we ARE leaving together after lunch, Edward. I know you have to know everything and the fact that I'm keeping things from you is in contradiction to that, so if you want to find out, you'll have to come with me and I promise I'll explain everything to you. If you don't agree, fine, that's your choice, but I'll make a scene and you know me well enough by now to know that I generally do what I say I'm going to do…
Curling my lip up at her as Bella reached forward for the bagel she had chosen, I snarled very quickly and very quietly as she grinned at me in false sympathy. Whilst I could discredit her means, I could not ignore the determination in her thoughts to draw me away from Bella this afternoon. Nodding once, I turned my attention back to Bella, resigning myself to losing my time with her during Biology. She was right; the oddity of her statements and actions had been testing my powers of concentration all day and the sooner the questions were asked and answered, the sooner I could leave and return to Bella; I would not stay away from her all night. We would have to return to the Swan's before we left to retrieve her truck and leave it here for her; I flatly refused to allow her to walk or accept a lift from anyone else on the off-chance it was Newton. If I could not find her key, I would simply hotwire her truck and leave the engine running for her…it shouldn't be an issue and I doubted the mammoth tank would run dry before she reached it at the close of the school day.
Swallowing a mouthful of her cream-cheese bagel and delicately licking at the corner of her mouth as a smear lingered and my eyes followed too closely, Bella reached for a bottle of water I had collected on our way through and after drinking half the contents in only a few gulps, replaced the lid and watched me with eyes that boiled with questions; for once, completely oblivious to the tension between our tables. It wasn't long until one of them spilled over onto her tongue. "When you said that you had done this a few times, how many times is a few exactly?"
Smirking at her tactic, similar to her earlier attempts to ask about what it was that I did during the night; I shook my head at her question. She would know already by this that it was a subject I was not yet ready to discuss, but I softened my refusal by reassuring her that my earlier offer had been genuine…as genuine as I could make it for the moment. "I meant what I said, Bella. If you ever need help with any of this, please, don't ever hesitate to ask me. It would be my sincerest pleasure."
Poised with her hand stretched out towards the bagel again, Bella hesitated as her eyes widened and a light blush spread beneath her finely translucent skin. She seemed more stunned by my words now than she had before, as if my teasing demeanor had somehow taken away the credibility of them.
"You're serious?" Bella stuttered slightly as her fingers grasped at thin air, her gaze locked on my own. Nodding, I gently pushed the bagel towards her grasping hands, smiling indulgently at her as she gulped and made a sudden grab for the plate, pulling it towards herself as she tore her gaze from my own and looked down at the pastry.
"Oh," she muttered, clearly disconcerted at the notion. I wondered if it was because it was the unexpected or because she was insulted that I had offered. Not wanting to have offended her, I started to retract my offer, but her clear, guileless eyes met mine suddenly, halting my withdrawal. Searching my face and my eyes, Bella, I imagine, was searching for the truth in her own way. Deliberately opening the planes of my face, I hid nothing from her as she continued to gaze at me, blushing again, though I had no reason to know why this time.
"Thank you for your offer, Edward, really," was her eventual answer as she smiled at me with unconcealed warmth. "If I need it, I'll ask. I promise."
Nodding once, though I was secretly pleased that it was something she would consider even if nothing would ever come of it, I pointed to the bolognaise as my eyebrows rose and almost laughed at the pained expression on her face as she rolled her eyes, but obediently put down the bagel and began to pick at the pasta dish as I argued with myself over whether or not to ask this next question. I had received all the information I could possibly need to know on her family, mother, former home, friends and hobbies…now I needed to know one more aspect of her life. It was an important question on so many levels, but it also had the potential to create more demons than I could contend with at the moment; demons based solely on jealousy. Watching as Bella ate, I realised that I had to ask and I had to know, no matter the result. Bella's unflinching honesty was not something I ever wanted to take for granted, no matter what it would cost me to learn it.
"All right," I began; folding my arms beneath me as I leant forward on the table, deliberately keeping the width of my eyes as open as possible in what I hoped was a mesmerizing attempt to coerce the truth from her. Her honesty might be absolute, but if she felt threatened, she would shut down so fast I would have no hope of ever prying the information from her. "So you've already told me that there are no close friends that you've left behind in Phoenix, but knowing what I do about you, you probably wouldn't consider that the answer to my next question would qualify strictly as a friend, so I was wondering…" Leaving the question hanging, I waited for her to realise what it was exactly that I was asking, but she looked askance of me when I did not continue, clearly confused.
Seeming concerned that I had stopped, Bella leant forward as well, pushing aside the food to get closer to me or as close to me as I would allow as I kept my hands locked tightly over my forearms beneath me. "What were you wondering, Edward?"
Taking a deep breath and then the plunge before I listened to my better judgment and decided against it, I asked the question, realizing that I was sitting almost on the edge of my seat as I knew the answer to this could be worse than actually voicing the question. "Was there anyone that you dated in Phoenix?"
Bella's eyes enlarged in startled panic and her heart stuttered as she jerked back into her seat and folded her arms warily across her chest. This action startled me almost as much as the dread that settled in the pit of my stomach did. Usually, when asked something that was too personal for her, Bella would blush furiously before looking anywhere but at me, but this was different and not something I was familiar with; there was no embarrassment there, only caution. I didn't know what this meant, and I could feel my paranoia spiraling wildly out of control as I continued to speculate.
Had she found the question too invasive or was there another reason entirely? Was it because she had dated none and did not know how to answer me or was it because she had dated so many and she instinctively knew how badly I would react to this news? It seemed entirely possible that it was the latter – the adolescent males here had all but fallen over themselves to impress her, surely the same would have happened with those she had grown up around?
Gritting my teeth, I felt the irrational need for retaliation against someone that I had never met surge through me as it threatened to break apart the bonds of civility that I had so meticulously cultivated around myself, but I held myself barely together as I let the subject go, not wanting her to feel any more uncomfortable than she clearly already was even as the need for this answer tore rampantly through me.
"Never mind, Bella," I comforted her, gritting my back teeth to stop from hissing the words as she eventually lost her nerve and looked down at the table, smoothing a fingertip over her pale pink thumb-nail in clear discomfort. "That's too personal a question to ask. I'm sorry." It was bad enough that I knew that I could not kiss her, but to always have the knowledge that someone else had…someone that I would never know of or about, to never know the faceless name or whereabouts, to know that someone else had touched the lips that I yearned to touch, that someone else had touched her intimately when I could not, put me in a murderous rage. It had been a stupid, reckless question to ask and one that I was almost glad she had not answered.
Once learned, I would continue to torment myself by constantly comparing them when I knew that I could not possible compare in any way; they were human, untouched by the horror of death, both experienced and dealt by my own hand…I was not. Almost overcome by the agony tearing away from the inside out, I closed my eyes for a second, blocking out Alice's screeching as she yelled at me to stop being an idiot; my torment was obviously playing havoc with whatever plans she had been making without me, but her strategies were of no interest to me, not when I had yet another obstacle presented that I could not overcome.
"No," Bella mumbled to herself so softly that I almost missed it; the trajectory of her voice still aimed towards the table as I forced the suddenly heavy lids shielding the agony in my eyes to lift back again. "There wasn't anyone that I dated in Phoenix, Edward."
"Why?!" I burst out before I could stop myself, instantly regretting it as the disbelieving amazement in my voice startled Bella from her embarrassment and she quirked a brow at my tone, sitting back in her seat again as the defensive blockade once again began to erect over her demeanor, clearly unhappy with me as I could only assume she thought I was being disingenuous. I knew I should be cursing my rash outburst, but I was still so stunned by this revelation that I couldn't do much more than gape at her.
"Well," Bella answered with a cold bite to her tone that made me want to grin – either in repentance or glee, I couldn't decide. "For one thing, I'm only seventeen, so excuse me if in my limited lifespan; I haven't gone around groping everything male that crossed my path. For another, if you haven't noticed by now, I'm an introvert; it doesn't usually make for scintillating conversation when you have your chin buried in your chest and don't want to talk to the opposite sex."
Absurdly happy, not only by her waspish reply, but by the certain knowledge that there had been no one that held her affection, I countered her point. "You don't have any problem talking to me." Now, I should have added, as it certainly hadn't been the case in the beginning, but I was distracted by the arching of a sardonic brow as Bella dryly replied.
"You're different."
That I already knew, but she had meant it in another way…a way that was dangerous for not just her, but for me too.
"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked more somberly now as the enjoyment from her previous answer began to dwindle into gloom, deliberately leaving out the in Phoenix part as someone as discerning as Bella, she would pick up on the implication immediately.
Answering me almost instantly, Bella's eyes were even clearer now than before as she almost reluctantly revealed her reply, as though knowing instinctively that this would displease me. "Not in Phoenix."
Hardening my lips as they pulled back harshly against the row of my teeth, a low growl rumbled from deep within my chest as the solution to my problems abruptly vanished. It was now very obvious to me why I could never find the balance that I so badly needed and it had nothing to do with placing equal value on the segments of my existence that mattered. It was because the strength of Bella's desire matched that of my own for reason that either of us had yet to understand or accept. I had recognised it before on some primal, unconscious level that I had flatly refused to acknowledge, but knew now that it would not be ignored. Bella and I were tied to each other; intrinsically linked, and as long as I continued to fight against the attraction that bound us – both hers and my own – I knew that I would never find a way to equalize my existence; I could fight myself, but I couldn't fight us both…