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MIDNIGHT SUN 2.0
~ CHAPTER TWENTY ~
MEDDLING
Rays of brightly-lit sunshine cascaded over the flower-strewn meadow in which it sat, warming everything it touched with its radiant heat as the land around me began to steam with humidity, bringing with it the floral scents and woodland aromas that saturated the warming air in a cloud of fragrance so dense it could be tasted.
Bella lay in my arms; quiet and peaceful as I cradled her tightly and with infinite care to my chest, nuzzling into the soft, fine hair at her temple as my lips pressed gently to her skin. Running them slowly back and forth over the satin-smooth surface, I hungrily savored the taste that was uniquely her own, keenly aware that it was more impossibly addictive than even her scent. Her eyes were open and guileless; the deep brown depths reflecting back the image of my uncontested contentment as her heart beat forcefully and vitally against my still chest and the sparkling glitter of my crystalized skin danced off her pale flesh.
The moment was perfect; unlike anything I had ever expected to discover or dared to hope for and it made me inexcusably greedy for more as I realised I could now have everything I had once feared was beyond my reach. Leaning towards her slowly; careful not to startle or scare her, I pressed my lips very lightly to her own, gasping in shuddering wonder as the contact sent carnal heat and longing searing through my frenzied body as her hands reached up to cup my face, shaking with the same need as she pulled me closer; creating other hungers I yearned to satisfy as everything else around us become secondary, but as my lips lingered against her own for seconds I no longer deemed worthy of counting, the warmth that always seemed so a part of her essential makeup slowly seemed to bleed away, leaving me colder than I had ever felt before.
Shifting Bella carefully away from me, I found her eyes still open, but the liquid pools were no longer vivid with vitally or full of the questions that I could finally answer. Horrifying dull and lifeless, the irises became solid disks around the pupils that no longer dilated as she gazed back at me without blinking. Frantic with panic, I listened for the spluttering patter of a heartbeat that I knew better than any I had ever possessed as a human, placing a shaking palm against the flesh that should have beat with a pulse, but there was nothing in the meadow but silence…neither of our hearts moved as she became limp in my arms.
"Bella," I whispered in a hoarse voice wobbling with fear, but there was no reply as she grew colder and paler still. Stumbling to my feet with none of my former grace or ease, the despair of my actions tore at me. Shaking her gently – as gently as I could when debilitating terror had frozen my muscles and petrified my bones – I searched frantically for it, but there was no response from the girl in my arms.
"Bella? Bella, Please." I begged in anguish, falling to my knees all at once as my legs lost their strength and the taste of her skin faded from my lips. Rocking her as I keened inconsolably, I buried my face in the soft, icy skin of her throat; feeling the sting of tears I could never shed build behind the lids, desperate to form and spill over, but constantly denied any release.
Sobbing brokenly against the pale column of flesh where her pulse should have been the strongest but was now entirely absent, I weakly raised my head as my features contorted in grief; kissing frantically over her face as I felt moisture gather over my lips. Confused as to why they were wet when I knew that I could not cry, I raised a shaking hand to wipe it away, but the moisture was not tears as I had almost disbelievingly expected to find, but blood…Bella's blood.
Jerking away from her, my embracing arms recoiled as I watched Bella's body drop lifelessly to the floral carpet beneath us with a sickening thud; her head lolled to the side amongst the petals and dandelion tufts disturbed by her fall as they floated gently upward around her; caught and suspended in the beams of sunshine as they gently floated back to earth, settling around her in a macabre shower of floral confetti. Gasping in horror, I watched the flow of her life's blood pump thickly from the deep, ragged slashes across her neck; slashes that still bore the indentations of my teeth-marks and the sluice of venom that would now do her no harm as the sticky, sweet scent of it rose into the warm air to chock and suffocate me.
"NO!" I screamed in agonized despair as the ground that cushioned Bella turned crimson with the flow of her essence, watching as it continued to ooze from her dying body and seep into the soil; her already pale skin turning ashen as what remained of her life drained from her. Clutching at my head as the pain of my betrayal and the loss of the one I loved at my own hands became unbearable, the monster within howled in anguished loss of a possibility it no longer had, wailing at the spoils. Doubling over her prone body, I grasped at her lifeless figure as the misery in my head and the agony in my stone-cold heart drove me to die with her. Clutching at my temples with an unescapable grip, I tightened the hold as a vice would turn on a block, listening to the cracking of my skull as it began to splinter beneath the uncompromising compression of hands still stained with her blood…
…EDWARD! Stop it…right now!" Alice screeched shrilly in my head, furiously scrambling to break me free from the repulsive hallucination I had unwittingly trapped us both in as I writhed in mental anguish in the middle of the crowded cafeteria of Forks High…You know it can't happen that way. You know that you're not going to let it happen that way! Just because she's alluding to the fact that she had never wanted anyone until she met you isn't a death knell, you idiot. Stop trying to decide the future before you've even got to it. I can't help you if you're filling my head with despair and grief and you know that! Get a grip…!
Shuttering my lids over eyes that would have conveyed my horrified terror to anyone looking close enough, I locked my jaw and struggled to compose my already rickety control, forcing myself to remember where I was as I chanted weakly to myself over and over again; Bella's not dead, Edward. She's sitting across from her. You can hear her heartbeat, smell the blood in her veins…feel her warmth. You can hear and feel the others around you. She's not dead…she's not dead. Open your eyes and look at her.
Disbelieving of myself and half expecting to find that I was still in the sunny meadow that had always held peace for me, but now seemed tainted with doom, I lifted back my lids to spy the object of my affection. Still very much alive, Bella sat across from me, completely oblivious to the torment her words of equally matched desire had triggered as it spun outward and catapulted Alice into the vision I had been unable to escape. The hive of noise and activity of the students mingling amongst us helped to center me as did the reassuring patter of a light rain I could hear as it began to fall over the dense greenery around us, but the serenity of this was preciously balanced; none of those around me had the faintest clue that a vampire at the very edge of his control sat amongst them, still feeling the repercussion of a premonition so devastating it left him trembling.
Shaking my head in pointless denial at the revulsion that continued to turn an already empty stomach, I scrubbed a hand that still trembled in the aftermath of such a shockingly visceral entrapment over my face roughly, feeling the self-loathing freeze the already rigid planes of my face into an inscrutably hard mask. Grateful that Bella had looked down and away from me before she could see the transformation; reaching for the half-eaten bagel she had abandoned earlier as my silence provided her with an opening to avoid my questions, I glanced quickly around at those closest to us, but none of the students who sat there had noticed anything out of the ordinary at my odd behaviour. What had seemed like an eternity of agony to me, would have felt like seconds to them.
Casting a deeply shadowed look towards the table that held my family, I caught the eye of the one that had retrieved me from the unrelenting tentacles of my horror-driven daydream. Subtly shaking her head as the obvious desperation on my face conveyed to her more accurately than her own precaution that I was teetering on the edge, Alice silently warned me to stick to the now and not to borrow trouble in a future that was still undetermined. Sitting tensely on the edge of her seat; one hand clamped dangerously around the edge of the table as the bony knuckles protruding almost grotesquely threatened to splinter the fragile synthetic wood beneath her grip, Jasper cradled the other between both of his as he kept some part of her in the present with him.
He was as concerned as she; amplifying my fears a thousand fold as he too attempted to calm me from the vision that had started out in wonder and ended in tragedy, but my dread was a palpable force that grew by the second and proved difficult for even Jasper to control…Edward, calm down, please! Whatever it was that created this, it wasn't real – look around you, but you're letting your fear rule your better judgment and it's affecting Alice! You know this; she's attuned to you. Bella will notice if you don't pull yourself together and fast. She's already second-guessing herself every time she opens her mouth to give you her honest opinion so don't create further doubt now by letting it get the better of you…don't make an already dangerous situation into an impossible one…!
Groaning quietly at his words, I plunged a still shaking hand into the pocket of my jeans and rooted urgently for the cap of my redemption and fortitude, clutching at it more compulsively than ever before as I wrestled for my own control; writhing against the fiend as it thrashed against its restraints within me. I knew that Jasper was right. The more I gave into this panic, the less restraint I would have over myself and the more Bella would withdraw into herself. If I let on that her revealing answers were creating a weakening of my already crumbling conviction, she might never again reveal the depth of her emotions for fear of their consequences, and right now, I needed the truth from her more desperately than ever before, even if it only created further complications.
That's better; Alice commented with more relief than she could hide; her sight finally clearing as I centered myself once again and opened the door of my own opportunities. Whatever you and Jasper are on about, it's helping – everything is…unclear again, which at the moment, which isn't a bad thing. It's still for the best that we leave after lunch, though, Edward…Honestly, if you had another hour alone with Bella, you would talk yourself right out of this. By the way, her car key is in a pair of jeans in the wash basket of the Swan's laundry. You need to tell her that we're leaving in a little while. You don't want her accepting lifts from anyone else, now do you…?
Cocking my head slightly to the side as Alice reminded me that my original plans had been changed by her manipulations and that I would undoubtedly be sticking to the new ones, I sat back with a disgruntled sigh as I shook off any residual aftereffects, knowing that she was trying to distract me and for once appreciating it as it worked. Purposefully putting some distance between us; keeping one hand enclosed around the only anchor to my sanity, I frowned as I viewed Bella peripherally and those sitting at another table with more focus, knowing exactly where Alice's tactics lay. Newton sat at Bella's former table, surrounded by Angela, Lauren, Tyler, Eric and Jessica, whose hopes were wasted on Newton; a fact that she was still blissfully unaware of as he fumed at me, jealousy creating within him a false sense of bravado as he considered his next move to win over the girl that sat with me. He was the very last person that I wanted Bella accepting a lift with and although it could just as easily be Angela or Jessica who offered, I wasn't taking the chance that they wouldn't and my sister knew it.
Wanting very much too once again remind him that I was not to be tangled with, as he, like Rosalie, had yet to learn that challenging me was an exercise in futility, I considered what my next course of action would be…I could not scare him so boldly, as I had the day before; so perhaps it would have to be a more subtle approach. Pondering for a millisecond over my options and weighing the viability of each one, I was about to settle on one when I felt Bella's warm gaze return to search my face. In that same instant, I forgot Newton and any plans of reprisal as I allowed myself to bask beneath her appraisal.
I felt slightly unnerved facing her, knowing of the horror that still managed to remain – despite my best efforts to dispel it – in my head, but I would not allow it to completely ruin our time together. Reminding myself again that it was only a subjective misdirection and that I couldn't permit myself to become so easily ensnared again, I swallowed the venom collecting in my mouth and tried to banish the bitter taste of her death as it lingered against my taste-buds, relaying my plans to Bella, certain that if I didn't, Alice would find some way of doing it for me.
"I should have let you drive yourself today." I imparted darkly with a very clear lack of enthusiasm, observing as my words registered, that Bella's displeasure upon hearing this equaled, if not eclipsed, that of my own. It was another grim reminder that she was already far more involved than I ever wanted her to be, but at this point, there was very little that I could do about that. Assigning blame to my own actions would not change what had already been done.
Swallowing her mouthful of pastry jerkily, Bella's mobile brows pulled together almost immediately into the pucker that was a clear indication of something displeasing her. Dropping what was left of her bagel, Bella disinterestedly dusted her hands, paying scant attention to the shower of fluttering flakes that fell to the tray below her as she wiped her hands on the paper napkin to her right, crumpling that up too and tossing it aside as she baldly commanded to know, "why?"
The outright demand of her question made my lips twitch as the bossiness of her tone managed to amuse me despite everything I had just subjected myself to, but in the next second, the answer behind my words wiped away any trace of humour. "I'm leaving with Alice after lunch." I replied, wondering if the somber tone of my voice translated to my face as easily as my earlier despair had. I was certain that it did and it made me alternatively – silently – curse Alice for forcing me to see what I had doggedly avoided for so long and thank her for taking me out of the equation, at least, for a little while so that I could think clearly, but as I tried to catch my reflection in Bella's eyes, all I could see was the sadness I had just placed there and it again made me rethink my decisions; her misery was to be avoided at all costs, even if it created my own.
…No! Alice admonished loudly from the sidelines; shifting restlessly in her seat to the extent that I could hear the squeak of the plastic beneath her slender frame as she continued to watch me closely and Jasper tried to sooth her. I was careful to stay clear of her brewing thoughts this time as I listened to her... Stick to the plan, please, Edward. You need time away from Bella so that you can see the bigger picture, which at the moment you're all but blind to. I know that you're already debating this so don't deny it; I can barely keep track of you anymore – the uncertainty is already fading, but trust me; it's for the best and that way, I'll answer any questions that you have to ask me. I know that you're curious about why I'm forcing you to leave her…
Gnawing at the inside of my mouth in agitation, I swept my gaze quickly over to Alice as silent acknowledgment of her advisement, resting more comfortably back in my seat as I crossed my legs at the ankles; returning my fixed gaze back to Bella before she noticed my preoccupation. In the wake of the bloody apparition from earlier, I had all but forgotten that Alice's odd behaviour from this morning was just a little more than merely intriguing to me and she knew it. It was just one more tactic to manipulate me into doing what she felt was right and the certain knowledge that I was now a willing, albeit reluctant, marionette to her master was more than a mild irritation.
"Oh," Bella responded quietly in seeming bemusement to my answer as I refocused, acting as though such a mundane reply was a mystery she had yet to fathom as she picked at a stray crumb and tossed it onto the tray. "That's okay; it's not that far of a walk." Her words were meant to sooth the clear strife she could hear in my voice as she blinked rapidly up at me, but the noticeable dejection she could not hide made them all the more unbelievable.
Snorting quietly to myself, I scowled at her words; incredulous really that for even the smallest portion of a second, she would entertain the idea that I would let her walk anywhere by herself after the almost incident in Port Angeles, let alone along the treacherously slippery roads that led to her house. With Bella's hideous misfortune, the calamities that dogged her footstep on an ordinary day would be increased ten-fold should she go venturing off without the protection of anyone: broken bones, torn ligaments, shredded flesh…another car hitting her, slipping on an icy patch and cracking her skull open, falling off the bridge into the icy waters. Hypothermia, internal bleeding, hemorrhaging, paralysis, brain damage…ahhhhhh! I groaned maddeningly to myself at the endless possibilities of grievous bodily harm. It was nothing short of a miracle that nothing more dire had occurred whilst she had been living in Phoenix.
You weren't around in Phoenix, Edward. The traitorous wretch whispered softly and seductively in my head, brought back through my consciousness as a result of the ground I was rapidly losing, trying as always to undermine the progress I had made when I thought I had defeated him. You are, and forever will be, the worst thing that could have ever happened to Isabella Swan so why bother playing the hero. Rosalie is right, you know; it's all for nothing if you won't change her. Stealing her mortality is your line in the sand, so why not just give in now and end things. You know that the taste of her blood would be nothing short of ecstasy, so why not give it a try, hmmm?
Recoiling away from the insidiously manipulative instinct pushing me towards the ending it wanted; Bella's blood on its lips, I almost snapped at Bella, spurred by frustration and edginess I could barely contain on a day when I so badly needed it, only barely managing to stop myself at the last minute, although I could not conceal all my annoyance from my response. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."
My voice may have softened somewhat by the end of what had almost been a retort, but Bella was far too astute to have not picked up on the crippling tension constricting my vocal cords. Picking at the crumbs littering the edge of the tray with the pad of a single finger, she kept her probing eyes fixed very determinedly to my own as she absentmindedly raised the finger to her mouth, placing it against the tip of her tongue as she licked them off, savoring for a moment before swallowing and sighing quietly. My traitorous eyes followed the path as it was repeated three times, each time lingering for longer than the last as I felt the tightening of desire curl through parts of my body just as traitorously mutinous as my eyes.
Shifting uncomfortably, I waited for Bella's reply as I forced my gaze above her head, fixed to the same crack in the plaster I had previously used as an escape route as I found myself locked in a battle of wills with my own unruly body and the unfamiliar feelings I had yet to adequately deal with. If only she knew the complexity of emotions and sensations she had awakened within me…but what if she did? Another voice whispered harshly, reminding me once again that my fantasies were hopeless. What could she do for you…what could you do for her?
"I don't have my key with me. I really don't mind walking." Softly spoken, Bella's words forced my gaze downwards and my thoughts onto safer paths as she once again made excuses that should never have been hers to make in the first place. Cutting off her ridiculous attempt to right a wrong I had created with a quick jerking of my head in the negative and already knowing, thanks to Alice, exactly where her key would be, I leaned closer, bending at the waist to keep my hands to myself as I again reassured her. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition – unless you're afraid someone might steal it." Chuckling suddenly at the ridiculous notion as I sat back in my seat, my shoulders continued to shake at the assumption that anyone would want to steal Bella's hulking iron eyesore.
Narrowing her eyes disparagingly at me for a second as the obvious source of my amusement came at the expense of the ancient vehicle she obviously held great affection for, Bella looked carefully over my inscrutable expression before her eyes once again widened, sparkling this time with a youthful mischief that charmed me as her lips tilted at the corner into something resembling a challenge. "All right," she consented, playing with a strand of her hair as she continued to look at me with a quiet air of confidence that seemed to say I would never be able to accomplish what I had so autocratically decreed I would.
Smirking back, her look of self-assurance began to fade in the face of my silent counter-challenge. Did she honestly think it would present even the slightest hint of a problem for me to find a simple, metal key? Even without Alice's aid, it would be relatively simple to sniff it out once I was in the house; the key would hold her scent more closely than any other and would draw me to it with inexorable accuracy.
Finishing the last of her bagel as I began to methodically flattened my own, Bella eyed the remains of the bolognaise dubiously, plainly wanting to simply ignore it in the hopes that I would too, but after peeking up at me through the fringe of her lashes and noticing that my brows were raised questioningly, she sighed in disgruntled acceptance and pulled it towards herself again, stabbing at it almost viciously with her fork as she twisted the slippery strands of the pasta around a fork, clearly playing with it more than eating it as an attempt to further stall.
About to gently order her and if that did not work, bluntly command her, Bella's next question caught me off guard and created a loss of interest in her meal as it reminded me of my own. "So where are you going?" The words were nonchalant, the tone inflectionless, but I knew that it was not as casually asked as the answer that was expected.
Plaining meaning with Alice but not verbalizing it, I thought on how to answer her. It wasn't as if she didn't already know the grisly truth of how we fed and on what we fed, but it might raise other questions; questions that would lead her to ask why it was I was hunting now and with Alice versus the others, like Emmett who she already knew I had previously hunted with. If she asked why, what should I say…what could I say? Bella, I have to be as well fed as possible – even though the blood I find in the forest will taste like sewage in comparison to what I could only imagine yours would – for tomorrow, because if I'm not, I don't know how I am going to be able to resist the constant temptation that you represent…
Scoffing at the stupidity of my answer and the certain fact that there was nothing remotely funny about this situation, I replied softly, with only a hint of menace colouring the otherwise neutral reply as I tried to convey what I had just thought without intentionally frightening her. Although, at this point, I didn't know if there was anything that could frighten her. "Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." As the weight of my own words settled over me, I could feel the frantic distress I could never escape once again threatened to swamp me in an ocean churning violently in regret, dread and inevitability.
Could I do it? Could I actually say the words knowing that once they were out they could not be taken back? Would she actually listen to the warning that I could only convey through vague cautionary tales and what would she do if I did say the words? How would she react to them? Feeling the familiar tug of conflicting interests as Alice's insistent voice slide beneath it all, reminding me to leave well enough alone, I knew that I had to do what was right…not for me, or for her, but for Bella; the decision, once reached, was not one that made me happy.
"You can always cancel, you know." Unashamed that I was now reduced to begging her as my voice became glum and beseechingly desperate, I fought to keep the grief her answer – how could her answer be anything other than yes? – would cause, from crumpling me where I sat. Leaning forward, I widened the imploring depths of the dark gold of my eyes, hoping that I could somehow compel her into doing what I still so unsure of myself, but Bella was never one to follow my lead as she gazed back at me with solemn understanding and conviction before quickly lowering her eyes to escape my own. I knew in that moment exactly what her answer would be…it was something that was sure to make Alice ecstatic.
"No," Bella whispered clearly and with loud intent, finally lifting her beautiful doe-brown eyes back to mine; a gentle crinkling of her brow indicating that she could plainly see my distress and the cost that those words would have taken, but that she would do nothing to end it for me, almost as though she herself knew that it was the only way forward from this point. "I can't."
"Perhaps you're right." I replied just as quietly, heavy dejection marking the undertone of my pained voice as I felt a sense of wary resignation settle over me. I should have expected this from her; Bella was never one to back down from something once her mind was set and by some remarkable extra sensory perception she possessed – one that no other human I had ever encountered had – she instinctively knew that the result of tomorrow's trip – whatever that may be – hinged on sticking to our original plans. She was as anxious for the result as I was, and although for her, it would be infinitely more dangerous, she was committed to seeing it done.
"What time will I see you tomorrow?" Bella interceded swiftly, plainly seeing the raging conflict on my face and wanting to distract me from the misery I strived to stave off as she drew random patterns into the leftover marinade on her plate, only half aware, it seemed of what she was doing. Her actions appeared very deliberate and were not something that I immediately understood, but as I watched her face become more drawn with what was either sadness or acknowledgment, I realised it was the first, but why?
Not wanting her to be unhappier than was necessary on my account, I quickly replied to her question, forcing my voice to appear light and merely conversational. "That depends," on whether or not I'm strong enough to arrive at all "it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?" I only said this for the sake of appearing as if I knew nothing of her sleeping habits; something that I was already all too familiar with and to be polite for offering her the opportunity. If she needed more time tomorrow morning to think about the magnitude of what we were about to undertake, I would allow it all to readily in the hopes that something might change.
"No." Was Bella's rushed rejoinder as she stumbled over the word, desperate to make it apparent that she did not require any of the time I was only too happy to afford her. It made me smile, for reason's unknown, so I tried as best to hide it from her.
"The same time as usual, then," I promised her even as an uncomfortable burn settled in the pit of my stomach. I was essentially committing to be there in the morning when I had the entire afternoon and night to get through. I had no idea if what I would learn from Alice would impact that or if it was merely my own paranoia that would jeopardize the light of day. Had I really found the night boring before? I wanted so desperately to have some of that monotony back. "Will Charlie be there?"
I had asked this for two reasons. The first was that I wanted the opportunity to meet him on a more official level than I had before; the fleeting occasions of chance meetings had been nothing more than polite passing greetings. We had never said more than a few words to each other and I now wanted the chance to introduce myself. It was perhaps an odd impulse as I could never be an appropriate suitor for his daughter, and I might have no further opportunity, but it was one that my inherent breeding demanded. The second was more vital…and more grim; the more who knew that we would spend the day alone tomorrow, the more reason it would give me to bring her back alive. If it was not Bella herself that would provide me with the motivation, than perhaps it would be the agony of grief I would see in her father's eyes if I did not, that would.
Feeling somewhat heartened by this knowledge through a heart that was still but full, I waited for her answer, certain that on a Saturday morning, Charlie Swan would be in his own home with his daughter, enjoying the time that they did spend together, but as I saw the delight of freedom brighten that very same daughter's already mesmerizing face, my hopes fell flat as her gleeful reply confirmed that I feared. "No, he's fishing tomorrow."
It was transparently obvious that Charlie's absence pleased Bella; which in turn created the opposite reaction within myself…why didn't she just paint a bull's eye on her neck with convenient placement markers for my teeth? Temper flaring to the point that both Alice and Jasper reacted to it from the other side of the room, I savagely blocked them; incensed that she could continue to still be this cavalier with her own life when she already knew how close I had come to claiming it before. My voice harsh and bitingly sharp, I snapped irritably, beyond the point of polite reminders as to my true nature. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?"
Bella replied equally coolly; her temper irked by the shortness of my tone and my displeasure as she sat back and folded her arms over her chest in a visible display of her irritation, her words arching sarcastically over me. "I have no idea. He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."
Catching the quiet laughter from both Emmett and Alice at Bella's acerbic retort as they began to fully appreciate that it had appeared as though I had finally met my match, I fumed at their amusement. Under any other circumstance I would have found her remark as absurdly humorous, but now however, I wanted to throttle her as the ferocity of my glare transmitted my exact disapproval with her glib, blasé remarks. Bella, of course, was not intimidated by what most would term as a killing look, instead she continued to gaze back at me steadily from across the table, her striking eyes calm and unruffled, her cheeks devoid of their usual flushing at my close perusal as she met my peeved stare with courage that was rare…and endearing in a strange way. Would I ever be able to predict her actions? The answer to that wasn't overly flattering to my powers of observation.
As the determined look – determination I was sure, to beat me at my own game – slowly began to fade from Bella' stubborn visage; belatedly realizing that my anger with her was not to be outdone by any paltry scowl that she could generate, she pushed aside the last of the bolognaise, clearly wanting to at least have some say in what she did as way of rebelling against my domineering ways as she absently twirled a strand of hair around her index finger, opting instead to change the subject yet again in the hopes that it would improve my mood…she just didn't ask the right question in doing so. "What are you hunting tonight?"
Feeling some, but not all, of my annoyance seep away, I only just stopped myself from shaking my head at Bella's offhand question, bewildered almost by the ease of her alluding to the truly horrifying nature of my existence. The more I tried to deny that what Bella might feel for me would never equal even the tiniest fraction of what she meant to me, the more I would have to concede that perhaps I had underestimated it from the beginning. Why else would she so steadfastly remain by my side when she knew exactly what I was? A whisper of Alice's earlier vindication harkened back as a reminder…"don't underestimate the strength of Bella's feelings for you, Edward…" I hadn't listened to it then, still arrogantly confident I could control things and set a new course for us, but now that it was abundantly clear that I could not, they were beginning to make more sense.
"Whatever we find in the park," I imparted ominously, still not happy with her. "We aren't going far." If I was going to be away from her for the next sixteen hours or so, then I would not leave the state; choosing instead to remain close to Forks even though the prey here was not ideal for my needs at this point; the predators were what I should have gone for, but they were further south than I was willing to go. If Alice wished to venture further, she could do it on her own.
Nodding thoughtfully and perfectly calm, Bella cocked her head to the side a moment later, a questioning frown transforming her gently enquiring features. "Why are you going with Alice?" I could hear the unspoken, and not your brothers? As her name was mentioned, my sister's head perked up as I watched it peripherally; a broad smile almost splitting her pale, elfin features as she looked longingly at the girl we were destined to both love. Acknowledging that this was precisely the opening she had been looking for; I knew that it wouldn't be long until she made her way over to our table.
"Alice is the most…supportive." I revealed eventually, unable to keep my exasperation of that fact from conveying to my face or voice as I glowered secretly towards her. Supportive was hardly the right word for it, not when her constant meddling had both positive and negative implications, but anything else said would raise more questions.
"And the others? What are they?" Bella pressed timorously, not risking a glance towards the vampires in question as they all turned their heads towards her question. Alice was already smiling in anticipation, Jasper looked…thirsty after his earlier assistance, no doubt as a result of the students standing to the left of their table – close enough to touch, Emmett was grinning as widely as Alice, but for another reason entirely and Rosalie, well Rosalie was doing exactly what I had always expected of her…glaring. Shaking my head discreetly at them, they all looked off into the distance at different directions with the exception of the flaxen-haired harridan who continued to mutinously scowl alternatively at the fragile human girl beside me and my own scowling visage.
Gritting my teeth, I growled viciously at her in octaves too low for the human ear to hear until she dropped her gaze and turned her head haughtily to the side, looking out into the forest to the east, her thoughts less than complimentary towards me. How could I tell Bella that my involvement with her had almost split the once peaceful, harmonious dynamic of my family into two distinct groups? I couldn't; she would feel needlessly guilt ridden for something that was no fault of hers and entirely mine, so I settled for another half-truth instead.
"Incredulous, for the most part."
They had yet to voice their opinions on our trip tomorrow, but I was certain that as the opportunity presented itself over the coming hours, that would not remain the case; my family where not known to withhold their point of view. There would be encouraging words, words of caution and words of outright warnings from my siblings, of that I was sure, but it was Carlisle's and Esme's that mattered the most. My parent's faith in me was unconditional, but if they believed I was heading for certain disaster, their opinions would matter the most and might actually be the ones I might heed. The rest I would listen to, but I knew that none of them would really matter in the end. Nothing would if I hurt her…or worse and the thought disturbed me all the more.
Risking a small, covert glance over her shoulder to the table holding my family; the family I had only just subtly warned to behave themselves, Bella swallowed roughly just once before she turned back to me, her bottom lip captured firmly between her teeth as she raised a gaze as equally troubled as my own. It gave me a very small sense of satisfaction to know that at least she was wary of something, but I knew that not even they would dissuade her. "They don't like me." It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact.
I wanted to deny it immutably; to sooth her fears and her doubts as she had tried to do with my own so many times, but the truth of her statement was too honest to deny and ridding her of the fear that should have been natural to her was not what I wanted. It was too dangerous for her to falsely believe that just because I had accepted her irrevocably, that the others would be as understanding. Alice was a different story, but her premonition's told her what the instinct of the others did not. They viewed her as a danger, not physically of course, but to their anonymity.
"That's not it. They don't understand why I can't leave you alone."
Eyeing me warily, as if she did not entirely believe the all too innocent explanation of my family's expectations, Bella scowled at me skeptically, waiting for me to say more, but when I did not, she sighed heavily and acknowledged the same, "neither do I, for that matter." Sliding her hands into the pockets of her sweater, she continued to watch me carefully, searching for signs that would give me away, but she found nothing more than a frown at her words. How could she possibly think that her inherent charm would be lost to me? The lure of her fragile strength, the unending well of her bravery, the unreserved honesty and uncommon kindness that she exuded as naturally as she took her next breath was a powerful pull that she clearly knew nothing about.
Exasperated by her response, I rolled my eyes as a clear indication of my displeasure of her opinion, only half aware that the rain around us had progressed to a downpour. I knew that if I could not convince Bella of this that the doubt that gripped her as readily it did me would only continue to dissolve what little confidence I had so far managed to build. It was too important to me that she believed in herself, even if the basis for it was dangerous. "I told you – you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me." It was a falsity really; she more than merely fascinated me, but I also knew that it was the wrong moment to become deeper entrenched in the miasma of my unspoken feelings and thankfully Bella's disbelieving glower at my confession spared me from having to confess like the lovesick fool that I was.
Softening my face to hide nothing but the truth of what I would say next, I gently reminded her that I was able to see and hear more than the average human and that included her, even with her continued mental silence. "Having the advantages that I do," I murmured as I touched my forehead fleetingly, making it look to anyone observing me as if I were merely brushing aside a strand of hair, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you…you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."
Hoping that she would take it as the compliment I had intended, Bella's liquid irises swirled and flexed around her pupils, reacting to the lighting in the cafeteria and to the emotions evoked by my words, changing from one moment to the next as they swung between uncertain, flattered and disgruntled. Looking away from me, Bella's cheeks began to flush with what I could only imagine was embarrassed heat as she turned her head to the left, her eyes straying towards the vampires sitting behind her, but they continued to studiously ignore our presence and Bella's sudden interest.
How could I explain to her – without revealing my hand too quickly – that it was more than just the captivation created by her silence that had drawn me to her in the beginning? She clearly did not believe that there was anything enthralling about her, even after I had very clearly stated that there was, so how did I now express the wealth of longing, protectiveness, attraction and love she had evoked when I could not yet bring myself to admit out loud?
Continuing to face away from me as Bella delicately nibbled on her lower lip, I fixed my faze to the faintly flushing cheek, willing her to turn around, to see the sincerity in my eyes, the truth on my face and the certainty in my voice as I tried to explain just what she meant to me and the complexity of what that meant, using my free hand as a pleading gesture as I tightened my other hand around the cap, closing my eyes as I strived to maintain control over the speed of my words. "That part is easy enough to explain," and it was, now that she knew to a certain degree. "But there's more…and it's not so easy to put into words –" My impassioned imploring was cut abruptly short as Bella's heartbeat, suddenly thundering wildly out of control and louder than any other sound in the room, caught at my attention and halted my words almost at the same moment that Rosalie's menacing thoughts reached out to entrap me within her spite.
…The nerve of her, looking at us like she's our equal in every way. So boldly, not a trace of fear on her plain, ugly face. Maybe it would be educational for her to learn what the true meaning of fear is…maybe I should give her a taste of what she so foolishly sits across from every day. She won't be so sure of herself the next time she wants to watch us after she's discovered the truth hidden beneath the lies…
Ripping my gaze away from Bella's pale, averted profile as her heart continued to stutter terrifyingly, I glared murderously at Rosalie as her baleful mood became a palpable force in the room, cutting coldly through the natural warmth created by the humans around us as it created a tainted air of conflict. Eyes darker as a consequence of her ire, the sheer vindictiveness of her thoughts contorted her flawless features into a near maniacal sneer of malcontent as her sinister gaze swung between Bella's and my own.
Growling low and flat, the unrivaled hostility I could feel coursing through my desiccated veins chased a fiery trail of retributive need jaggedly through stone flesh as my lips curled back over teeth revealed in a feral, rabidly antagonist snarl, but her gaze did not drop, nor did her defiance. "So help me, Rosalie," I spat out harshly; so quickly that no normal ears would be able to pick up on the byplay. "If you don't leave Bella alone, I will punish you for every nightmare she has, every restless moment she feels and every occurrence of fear she holds as a result of your presence in her life and if you continue to disobey me after I have repeatedly warned you off, I will remove you from her life permanently; Emmett is the only reason that I have not done so yet. Do not think that because I consider you my sister or that my actions would destroy the bonds that hold this family together that I won't do whatever is necessary to protect her, because I will!"
"Rosalie! Enough! Don't push him on this." Reacting to my violent need for vengeance, Jasper hissed quietly beneath his breath as he glowered at the woman thought by the humans around us to be his twin, attempting to control the emotional upheaval that crackled in the air between us as students continued to mill around and pass between the tables, but not even his particular talent could curtail the rancor from stirring as Rosalie continued to meet my black scowl with unflinching mutiny; whatever compassion she might have once been born with no longer resided within her selfish core.
Standing off against each other for tense seconds drawn out to seem like hours, Rosalie's outward belligerence did not wane at my threat or Jasper's warning, but her pugnacious attitude seemed to drain away little by little as she finally began to realise that I was serious…that if it meant cutting all ties with her: emotional, physical and familial, that I would do it within the space of a human heartbeat and for a second, just a second, there was a glimmer of regret in her thoughts, but as she broke our gaze and turned her head away, the minute ounce of understanding she had briefly rediscovered disappeared as quickly as it had appeared…I warned you this would happen, and it already is. I would be careful if I were you, Edward…
Turning away to once again resume her blank stare out the far window as the rain continued to pour, I ground my teeth together, wanting nothing more than to wrap my clenching fingers around her pale throat and throttle her. Trying desperately to wrestle control over myself as Bella began to turn back to me; her prey hypnoses broken by the gaze of the golden predator only feet away from her, I caught the concerned confusion from Emmett, who did not understand why I had once again threatened the woman he loved and both Alice and Jasper, who did, as they watched my every action and felt my fluctuating moods; they were both right to be concerned. Rosalie's words from the balcony earlier about the possibility of losing my family over the division I would create for Bella had not concerned me, but as the reality of what I was blindly gambling on set in, I realised that even though I would not change it, it would hurt those I loved…the juggling act, it seemed, was still very much in play.
Focusing on Bella as she looked at me with an ashen countenance, the obvious strain from the brief encounter with Rosalie had taken its toll on her as wary mistrust altered her delicate features. Infuriated that she had been subjected…that I had allowed her to be subjected to the venom she should never be exposed to, I fought for the ability to contain it, afraid that she would see the strain and would then question why. She would want to know why Rosalie had reacted the way she had and I had two options in which to answer: tell her the truth about the horror that awaited her, frightening her further or lie to protect her from the horror that I was…the choice was really quite simple, but inherently difficult as well and it created a wave of dismay within me.
"I'm sorry about that," I began, forcing my jaw to loosen and the rigid muscular of my face to relax as I attempted to explain and lie on Rosalie's behalf, frantically smoothing my thumb over the bottle cap. "She's just worried. You see…it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…" Stumbling to a halt, I found it almost impossible to continue as the strength of my neck waned and my head hung in dejection and abject shame. Releasing my grip on the cap as the clawing fingers of my hands flexed in anguished despair, I placed them very deliberately on the table, palms up in silent appeal; appeal for her to understand what I was trying to say…what I did not want to say.
"If?" Bella prompted softly; her voice was gentle and undemanding but still determined and undaunted by my words or the pause that seemed very loud in the noisy room, seeming to understand already that what I would say next would be a defining moment – or an ending one as she attempted to comfort me from a distance.
I whispered the answer; the tormenting anguish overpowering the previous conviction in my voice as my arms folded beneath me, my elbows meet the table with a definitive thud and the hands that been open in petition suddenly seemed the only thing stopping my head from hitting the table and splitting it in two. "If this ends…badly."
Burying my face in my hands, I wanted nothing more than to bury the rest of me so that I would never have to see the look of revulsion on Bella's face. She would know exactly what I was saying, even though my cowardice would not allow me to say it outright. Would she run now? Would she turn away from me? Reject everything I offered or wanted to take away? As much as the thought of exposing her to my true nature tomorrow terrified me, the thought of her turning away from me now was far worse. I knew that if she wanted to leave, I would not stop her; no matter the agony it would cause me…I would simply watch her walk away. Sacrificing my feelings to ensure her survival was more important. The monster within writhed at the thought, but the restraints of my love for Bella kept him firmly bound.
Listening carefully to the change in her heartbeat as I continued to hide in my hands, I waited for the expected scrapping of the chair over the scratched linoleum floor, for her to gather her bag, her tray and simply leave. I knew she would be polite and at least say goodbye, but that simple nicety would only further wound me; my mind forever haunted by her last words, but as my sensitive ears strained to hear these movements and a barrage of anguish I had never before felt withered the strength within me, the only sound I heard was the rustle of soft cotton and wool moving over the rougher fabric of denim, as though she was moving around on her seat, but moving forward, not backwards.
…She won't leave, Edward. Alice reassured me from a distance as she looked into what I refused to. She won't run. If you opened your eyes, and I mean really opened them, you would see the look on her face. She's determined and strong and is more concerned for your pain than for any that would come her way later. You need to stop underestimating her…just look at her, please?
Roused by Alice's' plea, but unable to look for myself, I wandered through her eyes…her unobscured view and the look of it made me pause. There was no fear, regret or indecision on Bella's face, merely concern; concern for me, it would seem with her arm extended over the table and her palm up, as if she had begun to reach out to me, to comfort me, but had changed her mind…See? Alice continued quietly. You both want something that neither of you fully understands yet. You both need time to think it through and figure out what it means to each of you, but both of you need to be willing to do that on your own. That's why you need to be away from her tonight, Edward…to gain perspective. You can't do that when you're this close to her. It's time to go; say goodbye to Bella... for now.
Blinking only once, I cleared her head and returned to my own, feeling the full impact of her words. I should have figured it out for myself really – when we were together, it was only ever enough that we were, but neither of us could see beyond that. It was why Alice was now insisting we leave, so that I could figure this out with a clear perspective. Feeling slightly resentful that I was being pushed into a corner of my own making by Alice who knew that I had no other option but to obey her in this as she led me as blindly as I did Bella, I sighed as I heard Bella again move in her seat, presumably this time, to return to her former position.
"And you have to leave now?" Bella's softly determined voice was full of wistful longing for my imminent departure as I finally lifted my head from my hands to view her with my own eyes. Pensive frustration clearly marked her lovely features as she continued to watch me carefully. The clear reluctance to be parted from me was painful to witness; Alice told me say goodbye, hastily tacking on the for now bit at the end, but I didn't want to leave her…not for a moment.
"Yes." I confided heavily, knowing I wouldn't be able to outmaneuver my sister any further as I listened halfheartedly to her as she kissed Jasper goodbye and pushed back her chair to walk over to me, determined to make sure that I followed through with her plans; he was no happier for her leaving than I was for her company, even if it would somehow help me in the long run. "We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology – I don't think I could take any more." I gave her my excuse for our early departure, hoping that she would believe me; she had seen first-hand how difficult I had found the darkness.
Feeling a faint breeze at my back, I sighed in frustration as Alice made her intentions clear, forcing my hand into introducing herself to Bella without my permission as she appeared behind my right shoulder. Bella's eyes widened in startled astonishment for a moment, taking in the sheer inequality of Alice's physical appearance to those around us. Without breaking eye contact with Bella, I dryly acknowledge her presence, uncaring if she heard the exasperated reprimand that accompanied it. "Alice."
"Edward." She chirped back brightly, equal parts sarcastic and uncaring that she was irritating me. The almost overwhelming pleasure in her thoughts as she was finally allowed to meet the girl she had been fantasizing almost as incessantly as I had for the past few weeks could not be denied and neither could the very real satisfaction it gave me that her clear affection was already so strong. She would have made a useful ally if she wasn't so damn annoying.
Gesturing with the flicker of a dismissive hand between them, I made the introductions with grudging admiration for her determination, smiling ironically at the anticlimactic nature of a greeting that only one of them knew I had been delaying for as long as I could. "Alice, Bella – Bella, Alice."
Beaming widely as Bella blinked up at her in wary acceptance; either because of her sudden appearance or because her smile revealed rows of perfectly formed teeth: tiny but pin sharp, Alice completed the introduction with almost unconcealed enthusiasm. "Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you." The emphasis on the duration of time it had taken me to complete a very standard form of introductions was not lost to me as I growled warningly at her, too low for Bella to hear as my cautioning eyes flickered towards her over my shoulder, warning her to hold her tongue and her exuberance as with Bella's sharper than average perception, she would hear all to clearly what they meant.
…Oh, stop grumbling, she griped in exasperation at what she saw as my inexcusably childish behaviour. She's not scared of me. And it is nice to finally meet her; no thanks to you. She's really pretty, Edward; I wonder why I haven't noticed it until now? Could it be because I've never been allowed closer than twenty feet away from her? Her smile is a little nervous, but it lights up her face and the dimple in her chin is so adorable…look at those eyes…!
Nodding timidly in return at my sister, unaware as to the unashamed scrutiny she was now under, Bella answered quietly as she fidgeted with the stitched borders of her sleeves, clearly betraying the nerves that she did not want to make more obvious than they already were; it made me want to shelter her more than I already did from the one family member I knew for certain would not harm her. "Hi, Alice."
Enveloped in the triumph radiating from every inch of Alice's tiny body, I shook my head in mild resentment as she all but licked her lips at her success. As the smug accomplishment of what she saw as a victory over my stubbornness continued to grow, I peripherally acknowledged that I was being irrational. The jealousy created by the thought of losing precious time with Bella to Alice was not logical, but since when had anything been logical since meeting Bella? Hissing quietly beneath my breath as a prompt that she would understand, I dismissed her presence, not willing to further sacrifice my time with Bella over meaningless pleasantries. I knew I was being petty, but I didn't want to share.
…Oh, for pity's sake, Edward. I've only just met her, said no more than a handful of words and you're sulking already. Honestly, you have the nerve to call Emmett a child! If Esme could see the way you're acting now, she would flay you; I don't know why Bella puts up with…or why I put up with you. Come on; let's go before you embarrass me further…I'm sure that you won't let me say goodbye to her properly…
"Are you ready?" Asking aloud and solely for Bella's benefit, Alice tone was polite and unobtrusive, but the undertone of mockery could not be concealed. Tapping her foot lightly against the scuffed linoleum floors, she was determined to withdraw me from Bella's presence if she herself was not allowed to bask in it, intent, it seemed, to wait for my verbal reply before she left, not trusting me entirely to stick to the plan and knowing that if I acknowledged it in front of Bella, that I would.
Unable to reply in the fashion that I wanted to or in a way that was acceptable in polite company – not with Bella now watching me as intently as Alice was watching her – a quiet rumble formed in my chest at my sister's interference. Clearly thwarted by her machinations and wondering where it was exactly that she had learnt them, I dismissed her aloofly, letting her know that I was not yet ready to leave. "Nearly. I'll meet you at the car."
Pivoting fluidly on her heel without a backwards glance and with a quiet hmmm that said much more than Bella could know, Alice flounced away, still not trusting me completely as she made her way out the door and onto the asphalt lot to wait for me, muttering to herself about dogs in mangers the whole time. Bella's eyes followed closely behind her I observed, noting every spritely movement her slender body conveyed. The look on her face was unusual, almost as if she was admiring of a girl she knew to be nothing more than a very real figment of someone's horrified imagination.
Returning her guileless gaze back to my own as I looked at her quizzically, wondering as usual, what it was she was thinking; Bella blinked a few times before nibbling distractedly on her bottom lip for a moment, clearly thinking on what her next words would be. Releasing the imprisoned edge so that they curved upwards into a teasing bow, Bella murmured playfully. "Should I say 'have fun', or is that the wrong sentiment?"
"No," I replied with a wide grin, enjoying her playful mood. "'Have fun' works as well as anything." Hunting with Alice could not exactly qualify as fun as she was usually trying to compete with me without much success, but I couldn't reveal that to Bella just yet as it would delay the inevitable.
Nodding as her lively demeanor slowly dwindled and the truth of her false enthusiasm was revealed, Bella strived to sound nonchalant and upbeat at the same time. "Have fun, then," but both fell disappointingly short of the mark, prompting my smirk to remain.
"I'll try," I vowed with false intensity, still grinning at her tone. She really had no idea, did she? For my own peace of mind, as it was never far from Bella's welfare, I asked the next question. "And you try to be safe, please." Surely she could hear the ardent appeal in my voice. The thought of leaving her unguarded for the rest of the afternoon as well as the night terrified me almost as much as what I knew would come in the morning. Alice would keep an eye out for her, that I was sure of, but in the time it would take for her to see the event and for me to get back to Bella, anything could happen; the thought was not pleasant and sent a shiver of dread tingling down my spine.
"Safe in Forks – what a challenge." Bella's dry retort did very little to calm the anxiety that robbed me of my previously buoyant mood. Once, Forks would have been ideally suited for her safety needs; a quiet little town free from the trappings of the sprawling metropolises with clean air, minimal traffic and the lack of violence that seemed to dominate the larger cities, but not now…not with me in it. Tightening my jaw further in anger over the lack of concern for her own safety, I hit back. "For you it is a challenge. Promise." Uncaring as to if she took this as offensive or if she would find the concern I could not hide as endearing, I waited for her reply.
The clear chocolate depths of her eyes widened as the intensity of my fear made itself clear, but they did not harden in anger at my tone or in defiance at my words. They merely filled with the answer to the command I had set down. "I promise to try to be safe. I'll do the laundry tonight – that ought to be fraught with peril." Her lips twitched at the corners, contradicting her serious tone as she ridiculed me and the fears I was sure she could never understand. Didn't she know that household accidents accounted for an alarmingly large number of deaths every year? Maybe I should print out the statistics for her…
Returning the sentiment against my better judgment, I ordered in mocking severity as my returning amusement translated to my face. "Don't fall in."
"I'll do my best." She somberly swore as the bell signaling the end of the lunch break pealed loudly over the hubbub of the room. Blinking rapidly, as if the time passing had entirely slipped her attention once again, Bella sat back and looked around in clear disorientation...I knew the feeling and if I allowed it, it would dominate me entirely. Rising to my feet swiftly before it did just that, I heard Alice tapping her foot impatiently outside on the lot; she wouldn't wait for me much longer before she marched back in and tried to forcibly drag me out. Watching as Bella rose, she paid scant attention to the students milling around us; the remainder of my family amongst the first to leave the room, as she gathered the food trays for disposal. Most of the bolognaise was still in the foil tray and it made me frown, but there was no time now to debate her poor eating habits.
Standing across from each other, with the table – no more than three feet wide – between us, it seemed an insurmountable distance to cover…to defeat, but one that was very necessary. I wanted so dearly to remove it and any other than stood in the way of what I wanted the most, but I knew that for the moment, it was impossible. Sighing quietly, Bella attempted to smile, but she could clearly see the raging conflict on my face as it combined with her obvious disappointment at our parting.
"I'll see you tomorrow." Melancholic, but unreservedly resigned, Bella's parting words conveyed her disappointment; a disappointment that I had created. The time apart for us would seem that much longer for her I was certain, but it would be no less painful for me to be away from her.
"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I commented softly and with more feeling than I should have imparted at this juncture. The ache of her misery seemed to lodge squarely within me; deep and irretrievable. Taking root, it occupied the same space as my still heart, but it throbbed in a constant, nagging rhythm that seemed eerily like a heartbeat. I could not remember what it felt like to own one, but as I listened to Bella's, it seemed the same and I wanted to sooth hers, so that it would in turn sooth my own. As I tried to reconcile the feeling, the throb of awareness seemed to filter and seep down into my arm and then into my fingers, loosening them from around the cap and spreading them wide…I knew the reason for this reaction and I knew the cure, but I had promised myself that I would not touch her again – not now.
Nodding dolefully, Bella bent to retrieve her bag, slinging it haphazardly over her shoulder as the room continued to empty and she continued to make no move to follow the human's she belonged with, but chose to stay with the one she did not. Noting the obvious unhappiness that had settled over her, I should have left it only as that, but I promised her anyway, smiling painfully as it did it when I knew that I might be lying. "I'll be there in the morning."
I should have turned then…I should have walked away before any other impulse became stronger than my resolve and I should have stuck to what I had promised I would not do, but I didn't and I realised as my arm reached out slowly without my consent; still harboring that inexorable ache, that touching her was essential to my walking away. If during the course of the afternoon and the night I finally reached the conclusion that I could not go through with this trip and that I would simply disappear from Bella's life, this was all I would have of her...and it would have to be enough to sustain my miserable existence for as long as I could stand it.
Curling my fingers inwards to create a loose fist, I lightly ran the backs of them over her satin-smooth skin of her cheek, feeling the painful burn bordering on masochistic pleasure flare though me as I memorised each rise and indentation of every pore they glided over. The urge was there of course; the urge to open my fingers, cup her face, caress her jawbone, her chin…her lips, but I would not give in to it. It would be too much for me to bear and too much for me to give up.
Releasing her quickly, I walked away without a backward glance as her heart thumped painfully loudly in the distance that continued to grow between us. Viewing her almost dumbfounded expression; cheeks flaming a delicate shade of pink as she stood rooted to the same spot, through the eyes of the students dawdling in the cafeteria, I shoved my hands into my pockets and quickened my pace, in a sudden rush to be away from the warm room and the warmer temptation within as I rotated the cap between my trembling fingers and retained the strength that I still had in order to leave.
Clearing the school buildings with a speed that would have caused more than a few eyebrows to rise if they had been following me more closely, I spotted Alice leaning against the Volvo; any pretense of patience rapidly vanishing as she shook her head in aggravation, but for once, she was silent. Not in a way that made me think it would last, but at least for the moment, it was something. The next few hours would be crucial to what my next move would be, I knew that as I closed the distance between us, but that didn't make the task any more pleasant…