Chapter 14

It was by pure luck that Kurt happened to turn his head to the right as he was sprinting through the opening of the border that separated the safety of New Lima from the outside world. He spotted Blaine sitting against the inside wall of the boundary, about fifty yards away, his knees drawn to his chest. Kurt exhaled a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding since leaving Brittany and Santana standing confused in their doorway. Kurt tried to collect himself as he made his way over to where Blaine sat.

As he drew closer, he saw that Blaine was staring straight ahead of him, not seeming to focus on anything in particular. How long has he been sitting here? Kurt wondered to himself, his heart breaking a little bit more with each step. He never wanted to be the reason for such a stare. He didn't even realize he could be capable of it.

Kurt finally reached Blaine and stood over him for a moment. Blaine didn't seem to react at all to his presences. Eventually, Kurt slid down on the wall next to him. Not so close that they were touching, Kurt wasn't sure how Blaine would react to that, but close enough to force Blaine to notice him.

"I was so worried when I couldn't find you," Kurt spoke gently, not wanting to startle or anger Blaine any more than necessary. "I thought you'd left New Lima."

Blaine shook his head and let out an abrupt, bitter laugh. When he spoke, his voice croaked, like he'd been crying for hours.

"Unlike you, I don't go out looking for ways to get myself killed at every opportunity."

Ouch, Kurt thought. It was an unfair statement, but he let it go. Whatever Blaine needed to say to make things just a little bit better, Kurt was willing to weather.

"I just needed to be alone," Blaine added. Kurt didn't know what to say. After a tense couple of minutes, he finally found his voice again.

"Can we please talk about this? I can explain—"

"No."

Kurt was confused. "No what?"

"No, we can't talk about this," Blaine elaborated. "Not right now, not until I figure some things out."

"Blaine," Kurt pleaded, in spite of himself. "Please, I just want to—"

"I said no, Kurt," Blaine cut him off again, this time forcefully, and for the first time, turning to look at Kurt. The rage from earlier in the day had reignited in his eyes. "You've been making every decision in this relationship since day one, since the moment I was injured in the escape. Do you think it's easy for me?"

Kurt didn't respond. He didn't know what to tell him. He only wished he could do something to make it better, and right now it was obvious that things were only getting worse.

"I loved you, Kurt," Blaine continued. Kurt flinched at the obvious past tense. "You haven't made it easy, but I've done everything I can to keep you happy, to keep you in my life and you've done nothing in return. Did you ever love me? Or was I just convenient?"

Tears stung Kurt's eyes and he realized that his jaw was hanging open. The thing that hurt him the most wasn't that Blaine had asked the questions, but that he seemed to honestly not know the answers.

"Of course I love you, Blaine. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I realize that I've been a real jerk, but I don't know what I'd do without you."

There was that angry, humorless laugh from Blaine again as he shook his head and resumed his stare into the distance. After he didn't answer, Kurt continued.

"I never wanted this to happen," he said, his voice now trembling with tears. "I never wanted to hurt you like this."

"Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for both of us if I had just died in those woods."

"How can you say that?" Kurt asked, the shock of the statement startling him out of his sadness.

"You know what I remember for those weeks after I was hurt?" Blaine asked. Kurt shook his head slightly, though it didn't matter; Blaine was still staring straight ahead and didn't seem to notice Kurt at all in his peripheral vision.

"I remember dreaming a lot. About my little brother and sister, about my parents, about you. I remember hearing your voice from somewhere far off, telling me how much you loved me and needed me. I remember feeling so safe and warm, even though I wasn't sure where I was. I remember having nightmares that your hand touching my chest would soothe. I remember feeling your fingers through my hair and the palm of your hand on my cheeks. If those had been my last moments on Earth, I would have died happy. I never would have had to experience this pain."

Kurt didn't hold back his tears anymore. Blaine was torturing him with his words. He was torturing both of them with the things he was saying.

"You've ripped my heart out, Kurt." Blaine said plainly, as if there was nothing else to say. He stood up from the wall and began walking away, not angrily like he had earlier in the day, but Kurt could see the defeat in his shoulders. Kurt was stunned into immobility. He watched Blaine to make sure he was staying inside the community. Despite his earlier sentiment about putting himself into harm's way, he wasn't sure if he could trust it, based on how the conversation eventually turned.

Refusing to lose track of him for the second time in one day, Kurt reluctantly stood up and started following Blaine at a safe distance. His body ached with each step, as if feeling each of Blaine's words physically. His only relief came when he saw that Blaine was headed toward Brittany and Santana's place. He watched surreptitiously as the door entered and Blaine was ushered in gently by Santana. He watched her quickly look around outside once he was safely in, scanning for Kurt, he knew, but she didn't see him.

Kurt stood watching the door for several moments before turning around and heading back to his place. His stomach grumbled with hunger as he realized he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, but the thought of eating made him sick.

About halfway into his journey back to his dwelling, he heard a voice call out to him from behind.

It was Thomas. Reluctantly, Kurt turned around and saw the leader of the rescue team jogging up to him.

"Hey Kurt, can we talk for a moment?" Thomas asked as he reached Kurt.

"Now's really not a good time," Kurt answered honestly, hoping that Thomas couldn't tell he'd been crying. "I don't feel that great."

"Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about," Thomas continued, clapping a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "I think you need to take a break from Rescue."

If this conversation had happened twenty four hours prior, Kurt would have been outraged. Now, he was so defeated, he simply hung his head and nodded.

"I think you're right."

"Okay," Thomas replied, sounding a little surprised that Kurt didn't fight him on it. He gave Kurt's shoulder a squeeze. It was then that he noticed Kurt's hand wrapped up in the old t-shirt.

"What the hell happened there?"

"It's nothing," Kurt said, hoping Thomas wouldn't pry. To his great relief, the team leader didn't.

"Make sure you have Doc check it out," Thomas advised, referring to Doctor Martin, the only Ph.D in the community. "Make sure everything's okay."

Kurt nodded, and with a gently slap on the back, Thomas left him again, jogging back in the direction from which he came.

With that, Kurt continued his journey home and got right back into bed. He didn't fall asleep this time, though. His eyes were still transfixed on the wall opposite his bed when the sunrise started to creep in. All he wanted was to hold Blaine; for things to be like they were before. But he wasn't sure if he could ever have that again. Not with Blaine anyway, and he didn't want it with anyone else.