New Lima, Ohio Chapter 17, a glee fanfic

Chapter 17

Santana was right. Kurt felt a hundred times better after his first shower in over a week. His skin was pink and raw from scrubbing, but at least it was clean. When he got back to his dwelling he could see that Santana had come back and cleaned up a bit. A wave of embarrassment hit him as he pictured her cleaning up the squalor he'd allowed himself to live in since Blaine left. He shook the feeling from him almost as quickly as it arose, though. If he was going to be successful in his mission, he was going to have to give it all of his focus.

He sat down at the small table by his bed with a scavenged spiral-bound notebook and a pen that appeared to be nearly dried up. After scratching on the corner of the paper to get the ink flowing, he began making his list.

1. Apologize to Blaine

2. Beg for forgiveness

3. Win back his heart

Kurt frowned at the list. It was too easy. There was no way Blaine was going to take him back that quickly. Scratching out the old list, he started on a new one, this time with the heading, "Things that drove Blaine away."

1. I cheated on him, sort of

2. I lied to him

3. I put myself in danger

4. I'm controlling

5. I don't talk to him about how I feel

6. I don't ask him how he feels

7. I don't let him help me

Kurt winced. The list was growing long and fast. He decided to stop listing things for a moment and see what he was working with.

"Well, I can't change the first thing," he muttered to himself. "Or the second."

But the rest he could work with. He drew a hard circle around the third item on his list and dropped the pen on the notepad, leaning back in his chair. The only thing that came close to his love for Blaine was his love for being on the rescue team. It was a rush each time, and he found himself counting down the days until he was able to go back out for another mission. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he knew that he would have to make a choice; Blaine or Rescue.

Kurt was still sitting in silence, thinking about his dilemma when he heard a soft rap at the opening to the dwelling. His heart immediately leaped as he stood up clumsily from the chair and rushed over to the sheet, praying that he'd find Blaine on the other side. As he swung the sheet open hopefully, his face fell in disappointment, briefly, before turning to panic.

"Scott, what are you doing here?" he hissed, wedging himself between his rescue teammate and the sheet, stepping outside and blocking Scott from coming in. "I can't risk Blaine seeing you here."

"Relax," Scott said, holding his hands up. "I just saw him and the builders in the northwest quad, working on a dwelling. Why, what's the problem?"

Kurt relaxed, but only slightly, sweeping the area for Blaine before giving his attention back to Scott. "He knows. About us, about what happened on my first mission. He tricked me into telling him."

"Oh," Scott replied simply. "Wow."

"Yeah, so if you don't mind, I can't exactly have you here, in case—"

"No, wait," Scott cut him off, and for the first time since their interaction began, Kurt could see that he was angry. "I came here because I got tired of waiting for you to come around and apologize."

Kurt's mouth hung agape.

"Me? Apologize?" he asked incredulously. "What should I apologize for? You're the one who got me into this whole mess!"

"I'm not talking about the kiss, Kurt," Scott answered evenly, though even Kurt could tell that anger was bubbling right beneath the surface. "I have apologized for that a hundred times, and I'm not going to do it again. The only apology I have left is to Blaine, which I've wanted to do from the start, but because you decided to lie to him about it, I haven't. Looks like I have my chance now."

Kurt stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

"You owe me and the whole rescue team an apology. Your antics put us in danger and until you realize that and work on making it right, I don't feel safe having you next to me out there."

Kurt lowered his head in embarrassment. He knew Scott was right. If anything was good for soul searching, it was staying in bed for over a week and staring at an empty wall. He'd done a lot of thinking during that time, mostly about Blaine, but also about Rescue. Now his mind flashed back to just a few moments earlier, when for a few brief seconds he allowed himself to believe that Blaine had returned to him. He'd been happier in those two seconds than he had been in months.

"You're right," Kurt finally answered. "I do owe you an apology, and the rest of the team too."

"Great," Scott said, color rising in his cheeks, as if his anger was holding it at bay until he received a satisfactory reply from the boy standing in front of him. "We have a team meeting at seven o'clock sharp tonight at the training base. I'll look forward to seeing you there."

Scott turned and left quickly without waiting for a reply from Kurt. Kurt looked at his wristwatch. "Four thirty," he muttered. He had two and a half hours to think about what he was going to do and say. Part of him wanted to go find Thomas and make his apology to him, trusting that Thomas would express it to the rest of the team on his behalf, but he knew he couldn't do that. It was time for him to take responsibility for himself, as painful as it was going to be.

Two and a half hours later, Kurt found himself walking almost robotically to the bonfire near the center of the rescue team's training grounds. Once a week, when they weren't out on a mission, they gathered here for a check-in of sorts around dinner. They discussed the mission they'd last been on, along with whatever missions might be coming up. Sometimes the meetings just devolved into raunchy joke-telling and wrestling matches. They were a jovial bunch, made up of jocks and tomboys, mostly, and they weren't afraid of anything. At least, that's how Kurt saw them. He looked up to most of them and wanted desperately to win back their trust.

Scott turned in time to see Kurt approaching from a few yards away. He gave Kurt a brief, terse smile and nudged Thomas who was seated beside him.

"Kurt," Thomas stood up, acknowledging him. The rest of the group remained seated in the circle around the bonfire, but they voices hushed to a silence once Thomas spoke. It was then that Kurt figured out that they'd been expecting his arrival.

"Thomas, everyone," Kurt nodded, trying to smile without looking nervous, which he was sure he failed spectacularly at. "If you don't mind, I have a few things I'd like to say."

Kurt was met with blank stares. He felt like he was on fairly good terms with almost everyone on the team, but he knew he was too new to be considered friends with any of them, save Thomas and Scott, before he ruined that friendship the week before.

"First, I want to apologize to everyone, especially Scott," Kurt gestured to the boy sitting closest to him, and found that he couldn't hold eye contact with him for more than a second. He quickly brought his gaze back up to the group. "I haven't been making decisions that were best for the team. Instead, I was behaving selfishly, which had the potential of putting the whole team in danger, not to mention those we set out to serve and protect, and I can't….I can't say I'm sorry enough for that. I hope that someday I can earn back your trust and respect."

Kurt cleared his throat, trying to ignore the tears that were welling up inside of him. Crying right now was the worst thing he could imagine happening.

"Second, I've made the decision to leave the team," Kurt said. He could hear Scott's quick intake of breathe, and saw a look of mild shock on some of the team members' faces as he scanned the circle. "I love this team, almost more than anything, but I'm not good for it, at least not right now, and I need some time away. I don't know if or when I'll be back, but I hope you respect my decision and accept my apology. Thank you."

Kurt bowed slightly in spite of himself, and turned quickly to leave. He felt a pang in his chest when he realized that no one was going to try to stop him, not Scott, not Thomas. Once he was sure he was out of earshot and in the cover of the dark, he began to quietly weep. He felt like a piece of him had just been ripped away.

I'm doing this for Blaine, he repeated to himself like a mantra, all the way back to his dwelling. After a while it seemed to be helping. He allowed the hole inside of him to be filled with thoughts of Blaine's happy return, of their life together, of his beautiful eyes and smile.

As soon as he was inside of his tiny home, he lit a candle and fished a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket. He grabbed the pen off of the table, and scratched through the third item on his list.