Chapter 19

Kurt sat there in silence until the sun started to set. As the hours passed, he went through a range of emotions, from shock to despair to renewed resolve. This fight wasn't over. Not for Kurt. Sure he'd hit a roadblock, but he'd find his way around it.

Maybe I'm just fooling myself, he thought bitterly, his confidence growing for a few moments and before quickly flagging. But as soon as the thought entered his mind he dismissed it. Blaine was his destiny and he wasn't willing to give up on fate.

The moon was climbing high by the time he stood up, his joints slightly stiff from immobility. He was exhausted from all of the day's events but he wasn't quite ready to call it a night. Instead, he decided to wander around New Lima; he didn't spend enough time getting to know the place. When he was on Rescue, he was either out on missions or at the training area when he wasn't in his dwelling. Now that he had relieved himself from the team, he found himself with endless time on his hands. Lately he'd been spending all of that time planning, trying to figure out a plan to win Blaine back, but he wanted a break from that for the rest of the night.

New Lima seemed to be bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside. Kurt wasn't sure how many people lived within its boundaries but if he had to guess, he would say there were about five hundred residents, some of whom had been there from the very beginning. It was a well-run, well-organized, efficient community that somehow managed to thrive without any particular leadership. Sure there were a few senior members who helped organize and plan for the community, but for the most part people here just seemed to get along, and those who didn't, didn't stay long.

Without meaning to, Kurt found himself drawn to the rescue team's training ground. His plan to visit more of the community was thwarted by his subconscious. As he approached, he saw a familiar figure running the practice course.

Scott was finishing the circuit when he spotted Kurt. Kurt watched as Scott's face cycled through several expressions, and he knew the other boy was trying to decide whether or not to ignore him. Finally, Scott made his way over to where Kurt stood, his hands on his hips as he panted to catch his breath.

"That was a nice run-through," Kurt complimented, hoping he sounded casual. Part of him wanted to take off and run the circuit himself; it would be so easy to fall back into that familiar pattern.

"Thanks, but you didn't see me trip in the tires," Scott answered modestly, wiping the sweat from his brow with a tanned forearm.

"I'm sure it was nothing," Kurt assured him, although he wasn't sure why he felt the need to. He'd made his apologies, and part of him was still a bit angry at the other boy. Even though the situation Kurt found himself in was completely his own fault, he couldn't help but be a bit bitter over Scott's involvement in it coming to a head.

"What are you doing here?" Scott asked bluntly. He didn't seem interested in small talk, Kurt could see.

"I don't know," Kurt answered honestly. "I was just walking around, killing time, and I ended up here. It's like my body's memory took over and here I am. How's Rescue?"

"You mean in the three days since you quit?" Scott asked with a sly smile. "About the same."

Kurt could feel himself blushing. "I sound pretty pathetic, don't I?"

"Not pathetic," Scott said. "Listen, everyone understands, okay? No one is mad at you about it, if that's what you're worried about. Every one of us has taken a break from time to time. You have to on Rescue."

"But I'm not taking a break."

"Okay, maybe you're gone from the team for good," Scott consented. "Either way, no one hates you for it. And honestly, no one really knew what was going on with you. I noticed because I was always with you, and Thomas noticed because it's his job to see these things, but no one else had a clue."

Kurt breathed a small sigh of relief at that. The last thing he wanted was his team to think that he put them in danger.

"Listen," Scott continued, "I know things got rough between us, but I still consider you a friend. I don't know how that works into your plans to get Blaine back or whatever—"

Scott abruptly stopped when he saw the look on Kurt's face. Clearly this wasn't a judicious use of the phrase 'or whatever.'

"Sorry. Anyway, what I mean is, I'd like to be your friend. Nothing more. I mean, obviously, at one point in time, I had feelings for you, but you clearly don't feel the same way, and I'm totally cool with that. I would just hate to not talk to you ever again over this whole thing."

Kurt thought about what Scott had just told him. He missed having Scott as a friend too, but he was certain hanging around Scott would only hurt his chances of getting back together with Blaine.

"I don't know," Kurt finally mumbled, suddenly having a hard time making eye contact with Scott. The air between the two of them seemed to shift with his utterance.

"How much of yourself are you going to give up for him?" Scott asked. The question sounded harsh to Kurt, even though he knew there was no malice behind the words. "You need a break from Rescue, I get that. I actually think it's the best thing you could do right now. But to never come back because Blaine doesn't like it? And now you can't be my friend for the same reason. I can see it in your eyes. I get that what happened between us was wrong, and I take responsibility for that. But Kurt, don't think you can make all of these changes to win him back and come out unscathed."

"You don't get it," Kurt said, trying to keep his voice from rising. "I want to make changes. I want to be a better person. For him, yes, but also for me. I don't like who I've become. I'm angry all of the time, I never feel at ease, even in my own home. That's not who I want to be. So yeah, I'm making some changes, but I'm willing to do anything to get my life back on track."

"Yeah, okay," Scott answered with a quick nod, obviously not buying a word Kurt was saying. "Alright, but if your plan doesn't work, I know you'll be back to the team. And then we'll know who you're really doing all of this for."

Scott jogged away toward his house, once again leaving Kurt alone with his thoughts. That was happening a lot to him lately, he realized bitterly. It seemed like everyone had an opinion on how he should be living his life.

"It doesn't matter," Kurt said to himself aloud. It didn't matter what Scott thought, what Santana or Brittany thought. The only thoughts he cared about were Blaine's. He'd do what it took to get him back, and then he'd figure out the rest. It didn't matter if Scott thought Kurt was losing himself, because without Blaine, he was already lost.

As Kurt was walking back to his dwelling, he saw a candle flickering in the window of Doctor Wilson's small clinic. Before he knew what he was doing, he strode up to the small building and knocked on the door. Within a few moments, the door opened and the friendly doctor was standing in the doorway.

"Kurt," he greeted, an amused expression playing on his features. "To what do I owe this pleasure? Did you get into another fight with an inanimate object?"

Kurt blushed with embarrassment. "No, Doc, I was wondering…Is the offer to help you out around here still good?"

Wilson made a show of opening the door wide and searching the room behind him.

"Well, no one else has taken up the offer," he announced, turning back to Kurt. "Of course, that could be because I haven't made the offer to anyone else."

"Oh," Kurt answered, surprised and a bit flattered. "How did you know I would take you up on it?"

"I just had a feeling about you," Wilson answered with a wink. "I'll see you here tomorrow morning bright and early. Bring breakfast."

With that, Wilson closed the door and for the third time that day, Kurt was left alone with his thoughts. This time, though, he didn't mind it one bit. For the first time in a while, he felt a genuine surge of happiness, albeit a small one. Maybe he was on the right track to finding himself after all.