This was a hard chapter to write for obvious reasons. So was the next one.
Donna and Opie give me a hug and kiss goodbye before they drag the kids reluctantly home. I offer to stay and help the girls clean up. My buzz is pretty strong. I glance toward the living room, watching Filip coo and cuddle with Abel as he's holding him. I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face. He looks up and makes eye contact with me with a goofy grin of his own.
Jaxson interrupts my thoughts when he rushes into the kitchen and grabs my arm.
"We gotta go. Just got a call from Unser." He pulls me out the door with Filip close behind.
I don't ask questions but from the way Jaxson is riding and the speed we're going, I know this can't be good. In the distance I see police and rescue lights and my stomach drops. The three bikes squeal to a stop at the same time my sister-in-law's vehicle pulls up. I jump off the bike and race ahead, ducking under police tape.
Donna's lifeless body lies there, she's covered in blood. I drop to my knees next to her as Opie reaches her; calling out her name. He sobs over her, turning her head to see her. Clay, Filip and Jaxson stand nearby. I cautiously put my hands on my brother's back, pulling Opie closer to me.
"Op, I'm here. Op, come on." I try to pull him away.
Jaxson and Filip surround him, pulling him to his feet and walking him over to a car. Juice pulls me up and we follow my brother. The medics cover Donna's body and I fall into Filip's arms. He holds me up as I stare blankly at my brother. His body is wracked with painful sobbing. I reach out to him, pulling him into me for a hug. He clings to me for support and I hold him, allowing the tears to cascade. I kiss him on the top of his head and rub my hands up and down his back.
"We gotta get him home." I hear Jaxson whisper.
"I'll take him home." I tell him numbly. Filip and Juice help me get him to the car.
"I'm comin with ya." Filip assures me as I sit down in the driver seat.
My body goes into automatic as I drive my brother home. His crying has subsided and he is staring out the window, his forehead pressed to the glass. I reach over and take his hand. He doesn't move. The silent ride home makes me nauseous. Strange thoughts run through my head and I can't help feeling a little angry.
The kids are sleeping when we get to the house. Mary is sitting in the living room, waiting for news when we bring Opie in the house. Fillip and I walk past her, leading him to the spare bedroom. He stops us when we get to the door.
"No, I need to be in my room. Please just go." He tells me firmly and walks away, slamming the door behind him.
I look down and see that I'm covered in blood from holding him. My knees are no longer able to hold me and I lean against the hallway wall. I slide along the wall until I am sitting on the floor. Filip leans down and helps me to stand again, holding me as he walks me to the living room.
"Someone needs to call dad." I mutter to no one. "He needs to know."
"I'll go over there." Mary offers. She stops next to me and takes my hand. I jerk it back with a disgusted look.
"Don't." I almost yell. She looks down and drops her hand away. Grabbing her keys and purse, she leaves.
"Let's go. We'll come back in the mornin, help Op with the kids." Filip leads me out the door to his bike.
I lean into him for support. I'm surprised when we pull into the TM lot. I see a few other bikes lined up. When we sit down at the bar next to Juice, he hands us a bottle of whiskey and some glasses. Filip pours us each a tall glass before we drink in silence.
I replay the conversation from earlier over and over in my head. Clay thinking Opie was a rat. No way was this a hit on Donna. It was meant for my brother. The looks on Clay and Jaxson's faces told me something else was going on. I slam the entire glass and pour another one. I pray the hard alcohol warms the chill in my body. I realize I'm shivering when Filip puts his arm across my shoulders. Juice leaves us for a moment.
Filip doesn't say a word, just wraps his arms around me. I break down in his arms, allowing sob after sob to roll throughout my body until I have no voice and my tears are gone. The numbness from the whiskey starts to take over. Filip stands up and pulls me into his arms, carrying me to one of the empty dorm rooms in back. He rifles through a drawer and pulls out an over-sized t-shirt and a pair of his boxers.
Without any sound, he helps me undress. He tosses my blood stained clothes in the trash and heads to the private bathroom. I hear the water run and he comes back with a glass of water, some white pills and a washcloth. I accept them all without question, assuming the pills are some kind of painkiller or sleeping pill. I wash my face with the rag and hand it back to him.
He tosses it aside and steps out of his jeans. He curls up in bed next to me, holding me tight. The pills work quickly and I fade out of consciousness.
I spend the next morning planning the funeral. Mary tries to help but I shut her out at each turn. The girls from the club are in and out of Opie's house all day, cooking and cleaning. I give them half-hearted directions that they don't question. They help drop off the kids at school, doing what they can. The front door opens and Jaxson walks in.
"Bree." He wraps me into a hug.
I struggle to keep the tears from coming again. I haven't let Opie see me cry and I can't now. He's outside with the kids. I sat by his side when he broke the news to them early this morning. Ellie hadn't stopped crying and Kenny just wanted to know when Mom would be home.
"How are you?" He asks, pushing hair out of my face. I shrug.
He looks over my shoulder into the kitchen and I see Mary watching us intently. Her bottom lip quivers and I turn away. I know she is grieving. Everyone loved Donna. I just can't have sympathy for her right now. Jaxson steps away from me and gives her a hug.
"Where is he?" He asks.
"Outside, with the kids." Mary's voice cracks.
"It's good you're here Mary." He says.
I don't stick around to hear the rest, instead stepping outside to clear my head. I sit down on the stoop and take several deep breaths. The weight across my shoulders grows heavier and I stop trying to keep a strong face. Instead, I let the tears fall. I bury my face in my hands. I hear footsteps and look up.
"Hey baby girl." My dad greets me with sad eyes. He's completely sober and I know how much that hurts him right now. I jump up from my spot and rush over to him, throwing myself into his waiting arms. I sob uncontrollably, feeling the pain of losing my friend, my sister and the pain of my brother's suffering.
"Daddy, I don't know what to do for him." I stutter through my crying.
"You just be there honey. We all will." He runs his hand up and down my back, trying desperately to console me.
"You find who did this to our family dad. I don't care what that sounds like but you find him and you kill him." I tell him, my teeth gritted at the sudden anger that washes over me.
"We will sweetie. We will." He comforts me and we turn to head back inside. From inside his pocket, his phone rings. He grabs it and I see Clay's name across the caller ID. He walks away with the phone for a moment. When he hangs up, he turns back to me with a heavy expression.
"Run in and grab Jaxson, we got church." He explains.
"Opie too?" I ask. He shakes his head at me. When I step into the house, Jaxson is already on his way out.
"Dad's looking for you out front; Clay called you guys to the table." I tell him.
"You ok?" He asks. "Need anything?"
"Nah, no viewing, just the funeral tomorrow. I got the details worked out but if you could spread the word for me." I fill him in on the details before he takes off. I walk him outside and watch as he hugs my dad.
"Make sure Filip's safe for me Jax." I ask, walking over to give my dad a hug.
"You love him baby?" He asks me seriously.
"Yeah daddy. I do." I reassure him.
"How do you know he loves you?" He asks.
"Just trusting him on this one. You talk to him, see if he loves me or not." I give him a kiss on his cheek and they both get on their bikes and go.
After most of the girls have left and Mary takes the kids to her hotel for the night, I go outside and sit down in a chair next to my brother. He's leaning back, staring at the sky.
"Everything is set Op." I whisper. "I just finished up with the funeral home." I lean forward, putting my elbows on my knees and looking at the ground.
"Thank you Bree." His voice is raspy and soft.
"You do what you gotta do Opie. I'll take care of Ellie and Kenny, keep everything going here. Take your time." I still don't make eye contact.
"It's my fault." He says. "I chose this life over her; I put her in the line of fire."
"Opie, it's not your fault. Donna loved you, that is what kept her by your side. You're a good man sweetie." I drop down to my knees in front of him, putting my hand over his.
"She'd be alive if I wasn't a fucking coward." He groans and leans his head back again. I stand up and slap him hard across the face.
"You listen to me. You are no coward. My brother is a strong man, one who takes care of his family and business no matter what. Right now, you're hurting and that's gonna be there for a long time but don't you dare check out on me or those kids. They need you. I need you." I scream at him, crying the entire time.
"Stop, stop." He stands up and pulls me into his chest. I stand there hugging him for a long while. "What am I gonna do without her?"
"Well tonight, tonight we're gonna get shitfaced. Tomorrow, we're gonna bury your wife and each day after that, we'll work hard to keep her memory alive and will support each other to get through this pain." I pull him through the house, holding his hand. We sit down at the table and I pour us drinks. He sips his silently and we spend the rest of the night at that table in silence.