Chapter Twenty-Three

Broken

v

I hurt. I hurt in ways that I had never imagined possible, and in ways that I never thought I would hurt again. The pain was physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual; the physical pain, although bordering on unbearable, was easier to bear than the mental, emotional and spiritual anguish which I was struggling to wade through. I couldn't stop thinking about what Kakarot had done to me, and the more I thought about it the harder I cried and the worse I felt. What they all did to me… Vegeta, Gogeta, Vegito… Kakarot. Thank God and almighty that Vegeta didn't get anyone else involved.

I had cried for hours, cried until I'd been physically sick, cried until my tears ran out and my mind went numb and still I'd cried some more. Vegeta had taken charge; bathed me, held me, taken me to bed and tried to comfort me the only way he knew how, but for the first time I hadn't responded to him; it had only brought more tears. He had left soon after, driven away by the tears he didn't understand and couldn't stop, and I hadn't cared. I hadn't even noticed. I didn't see anything except the film in my mind that replayed what Kakarot had done to me; it replayed over and over and over. I couldn't care less what Vegito and Gogeta did to me; it was what Kakarot did that shattered my spirit. I wanted to scream for it to stop, but my tears had stolen my voice, so I cried dry tears instead and hugged my pillow tightly.

Now, many, many hours later, the tears had finally gone and I lay in the bed; exhausted. I tried not to think about what they'd done to me, but I couldn't help it, so I focused on all of the little things in greater detail. This helped to take my mind off the bigger picture. The way Kakarot's hand had felt over my mouth; his palm rough and callused from battling, from killing, from fighting for so long, how soft the carpet fibers had felt under my body, the way Vegeta's eyes had gleamed from the darkness as he'd watched us; like a cat's eyes gleaming in a dark alleyway.

Bastard, Bastard! BASTARD!

I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes even tighter. I wouldn't think about it. I couldn't stand to think about it. Right now I needed to be safe and clean and warm and to not think about Kakarot or Vegeta and what they'd done. I would think about them tomorrow or the day after or maybe the day after that.

I knew I wasn't thinking clearly and knew that I was still in shock, but there was nothing I could do. I'd asked Vegeta earlier, while he'd begun bathing me, if I could go to the medical bay, but he had shaken his head. He'd told me that I had to suffer through the after effects of my punishment and that it was the only way I would learn not to disobey him again.

My… My punishment…? He'd kissed me while Kakarot raped me… How much crueler could this get?! What a monster! No! I can't think about that yet… rape… them… punishment… those monsters. I just can't…!

It was too much too soon; too much to have to take in and process, especially when I was already so full of rage and hate and hurt and shock and embarrassment. How could they do this to me? I had nothing while they had everything. I was small; pathetically weak by their standards and had only ever been used by every single person around me; so how could they do this to me? Every time I started to feel secure or started to think that maybe I was more than just a thing, someone would remind me of how pathetic my existence really was.

How can they do this to me?! How?! How?! Why…?!

v

Kakarot slammed his empty glass down on the bar with more force than necessary, shattering it and sending a spray of glass over the people around him. There was a murmur of anger, but no one spoke up or confronted him. It was clear by his elevated power level, aggressive manner and tightly clenched features that this was a man who needed to be left alone.

It had been a night and a day since he'd fallen for Vegeta's little scheme and had hurt me, and he had seen and heard nothing of either I or Vegeta since. He had been reassigned to a different platoon of guards for the week, who had informed him that they were expecting to receive new orders any day that would see them guarding transport ships for supplies and goods. Kakarot wasn't surprised. He had fully expected to be sent as far from the Royal palace as possible; practically to the other side of the capital. The message from Vegeta had been more than clear; he wasn't wanted or needed anymore.

Kakarot gestured for another drink and gulped it down quickly, savoring the raw burning feeling as the liquid slid down his throat like acid. If he was completely honest with himself, the only reason he was still hanging around on Planet Vegeta was because he was desperately hoping to see me one last time and beg for my forgiveness; not that he expected me to forgive him, but he needed for me to know how sorry he was.

He slammed his empty glass down again and motioned for yet another drink. The alcohol helped dull the feelings (considering most hard liquors on Planet Vegeta were about three times stronger than even the most powerful on Earth); these were feelings which he'd never felt in his entire life and which he'd never had to cope with before today; he felt guilty, too guilty. Dizzy with misshapen memories and images, he stumbled from his stool as he stood from the bar. He slammed down cash onto the counter to pay for the drinks, not caring about getting the change back, and turned his back on the bartender. Another solider offered to help the tall Saiyan Elite, but he angrily declined, pushing the man away and stormed out, stumbling over his own two feet. He hobbled his way home; back to his house.

When he arrived he closed the door and fell to the floor. Puking his guts up, weeping a little, not due to the amount of alcohol he consumed, but because he was miserably depressed with himself and just felt like dying for what he had done to me. His mind was a haze; trying to rid himself of the terrible memories and hatred seemed impossible; everything started to come back; all the bad, all the ugly, all the hatred towards Vegeta. Why was he so evil?!

I hurt the woman who I never should have even become involved with. The woman I should have left alone; the Prince's woman… but… I… I think I'm in love with her… Fuck, what am I thinking?!

He hadn't been able to help it. He really hadn't. Something about me had attracted him immensely and he hadn't been able to keep away or stop himself from acting on his baser impulses. He wanted to get closer to me, to be more than a friend; he wanted to be my mate. It was his own damn fault; he'd arrogantly assumed he'd be able to stay in control, to move me around like a pawn in a game of chess, but he'd been stupid; stupid and blind. He thought that if we just snuck around like a couple of teenagers, nothing bad would happen, and Vegeta would never find out. He was a true idiot for thinking that. He couldn't have betrayed my trust, he knew that now. Being the human I was; that weak, little kitten with sky blue eyes he loved so dearly, had somehow cast a spell on him, on Vegeta, on the human Nathan I was first with. He loved me, and it was driving him mad. He loved me, he craved me, and he hated the way I made him feel. He'd never felt anything for anyone before, but he felt for me. Yes, he felt for me; the strongest Saiyan Elite soldier and warrior, thief and manipulative trickster, mercenary and murderer… felt for… me.

v

It had been two days since Vegeta had had me punished, and Vegeta was finally starting to worry. Every time he came to see me and check up on me after meetings or small missions that only took an hour's time at best, I seemed a little bit less; as though my life was slowly slipping away bit by bit, and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. I wouldn't speak to him, I wouldn't respond to his touch, I wouldn't even look at him; I just lay in his bed and fucking cried. He'd tried threatening me, he'd tried ordering me and he'd tried seducing me every way he knew how, but all I did was look at him with haunted eyes that were empty, cold and shallow. It was as though I had fallen out of synch with the world, with everyone around me; as though I was a second slow in my reactions to everything. I wasn't even human anymore.

v

Vegeta stared at the ceiling counting every, little crack as he'd done repeatedly each night that week. He forced himself to lie in bed but refused to relax. If he did, he might sleep. Sleep meant the nightmares would return. His dreams manipulated him; refusing to allow his mind to rest, but he was powerless against them.

How do you fight something untouchable; something that drives piercing stakes of fear, dread, and helplessness into your soul? It's impossible…

Vegeta was determined to lie awake every night until he found a way to defeat the dreams, or the dreams finally defeated him. He got up and out of the bed, beginning to pace the room. He paced quicker and quicker, trying to comprehend all his thoughts.

"Damn that woman…!"

Vegeta collapsed to his knees and held his head in his hands to keep the room from spinning. He gritted his teeth and clenched his knuckles. He turned and stared at my lifeless-looking being in the bed.

"It's for your own good, so just lie there… and stay there."

His voice sounded distant through the fog of impending sleep. Vegeta attempted to get to his feet, but fell flat on the floor, sinking quickly into unconsciousness. Vague shapes formed behind his eyelids, focusing more and more into sharp, horribly familiar figures.

v

An hour later, Vegeta paced the floor, determined never to sleep again. The unexpected betrayal of the woman stung more than he cared to admit. At first he was angry. The urge to blow the entire house to atoms was nearly overpowering. He powered up an energy ball but something made him stop. He tried to convince himself it was just because he needed the old man's technology for training, but he knew that wasn't the truth. He had grown accustomed to being served and attended for a change. Should he stay if she could possibly make him endure that nightmare torture again?

You're worthless, Vegeta…

He gritted his teeth harder.

You'll never catch up to us.

He clenched his fists hard enough to make the palms of his hands bleed from his sharpened nails.

You're so weak.

He growled under his breath aggressively.

You'll never become a Super Saiyan.

"No! You're wrong! I am not weak! I am the Prince of all Saiyans! An Elite warrior! I will possess this power if it's the last thing I ever do!"

You're nothing.

"No…"

You're useless.

"Stop it…"

You're weak.

"Stop…!"

You're pitiful.

"No! I refuse to listen to you anymore! You're just figments of my imagination, so you have no power over me."

I know you can't do it… Hurt her anymore? You can't…

"I'm not listening to you anymore… I'm not listening to you!"

His teeth clenched tightly and his hands ripped up through his hair. He growled angrily, mumbling insults and rage-filled sentences to himself. I lay in the other part of the room, silent and motionless, staring blankly into space. I never even knew he was in the same room for a long while.

v

I was in total shock, I was numb and I couldn't feel properly. He knew all these things because he'd seen them in his women before and after a particularly rough night, but he also knew that I should have been recovering by now. It had been almost a week now since then; I should have snapped out of it and been angry at him, been furious with him, been even a little bit closer to being myself instead of just being a pretty dark haired doll that just lay on the bed and looked at him blankly and cried every day and every night.

Vegeta rubbed a gloved hand over his tired eyes and sighed. He'd been getting very little sleep, worrying too much about me. He was such a fool. He'd been up for over fifty-seven hours with no sleep at all, watching me and nothing more. I had come out of my shell only twice in the past week. The first time was to ask to go to the medical bay, a request he had declined. The second time had been the night before, when I had asked him two questions:

'Why…?' and 'Why Kakarot…?'

He should have lied. He should have said something to make me think better of him; instead he'd still been angry at me and he'd told me a version of the truth,

"…because I didn't like the way you looked at him, and I didn't like the way he looked at you."

He had been playing with a lock of my black hair as he'd spoken, and he had been struggling to keep his voice emotionless instead of letting even a trace of the rabid jealous show through. Because that was the real reason why he had made Kakarot rape me; he didn't know if we'd fucked each other before then, but the way we'd looked at each other had been enough to make him furiously jealous. I had smiled at Kakarot in a way I'd never smiled at him; and he hadn't been able to stand it. After he'd spoken, I had opened my eyes tearfully and half-sobbed, half-choked another few words.

"Did… you make him… do that… to me? Did you… force him?"

More tears had begun to form in my eyes and Vegeta had been irritated by them more than my question.

"No."

He'd let the lock of hair slip from his fingers and he had taken great pleasure in seeing the hurt in my eyes.

"I asked him if he wanted to and he said 'yes'."

He smirked down at my shocked face and felt a coil of lust work through his body as he remembered watching Kakarot hurt me.

"I wouldn't normally have let another man touch my woman, let alone three others, but you needed to be punished in a way that would make you think twice about ever humiliating me ever again."

He had paused and then spoke the words he now regretted saying, words he had spoken partly because he was still angry at me and partly because he wanted to make me pay for staring, talking, and engaging with another man; Kakarot.

"Besides, you're only a whore and it was fun watching Kakarot fuck you while you screamed; not to mention the finale with Vegito and Gogeta…"

I had stared at him in silence for a few moments before I'd said the words which were now haunting him.

"How can I love someone like you…?"

It was the look of revulsion on my face and the tone of hurt that bothered him the most, it bothered him even more than the fact that I'd gone quiet after that and hadn't spoken to him since. He shouldn't care that I wasn't speaking to him, just like he shouldn't care that I wasn't eating or drinking or leaving the room, but he did care. More than that; he was worried because deep down inside of him he was starting to suspect what he'd done. I'd fallen so low, I couldn't get up. I'd fallen off the deep end of the pool and couldn't swim back up for air. I'd fallen from the plane with no parachute to save my life. I'd fallen down completely and couldn't get back up. I was dead inside.

He's broken me, and he doesn't have a clue how to fix me.

I lay in the soothing warm bath amongst the bubbles and listened to my own heart beat. It was strange how it was still beating even after all this time, even after everything that had been done to me, it just kept on beating. I should have died multiples times over the past few weeks and this whole sick charade should have ended. Sadly, though, I was still here. Probably not for long, but I wouldn't be the one to take my own life. No, I would let my heart beat for as long as it could before it finally went silent. The best I could hope for was that I could take a few of the people who'd hurt me down with me to Hell!

I stared at the ceiling, embracing the silence and the stillness of the room and tried to remember any reason why, other than revenge, I should bother keeping my head above the water and continue taking one breath after another. I felt the hate in me glow a little stronger at the thought of Vegeta; I had loved him despite all the terrible things he had done to me, and still he had to hurt me more. It wasn't enough to have me under his control; he had to degrade and humiliate me, too. He'd pushed me until he'd broken me, and when the stupid bastard found he couldn't put the shattered pieces of my heart and soul back together again to make his special, little sex-slave toy work, he'd called in every specialist and doctor he could, but they hadn't been able to help me. After all, a patient had to want to get better in order to heal, and I didn't want to get better. I didn't want to do anything except vanish into nothingness. I wanted to die.

So, I had ignored them all and had just concentrated on that small flickering ball of hate inside of me. I was slowly mending myself in my own way; using hate and bitterness to fill the cracks that Vegeta and Kakarot had left inside of me.

Kakarot…

It still hurt to think about what he'd done. I'd trusted him even more than I'd trusted Vegeta and he'd betrayed me, or so Vegeta had led me to believe. I didn't know what to believe anymore. The minutes after he'd raped me were mostly a blur to me, but I was certain that Kakarot had looked horrified when he'd seen how traumatized I was when I finally came to, tied up on the bed. Had Vegeta lied to me, or was Kakarot just that good of an actor? Good God, how could I trust my own judgment and my own eyes?

They were both as bad as each other and the only thing that kept me going was the faint hope that somehow I would be able to hurt all of them and finally go home someday, maybe. Every single one of the bastards that had hurt me would somehow be made to pay and suffer greatly! As I lay there, the burning hate inside of me flickered even brighter and I sank further into the bubbly water, allowing myself to relax and imagine a world in which I somehow did manage to make those bastards pay.

v

The door to the bathroom opened and I instantly tensed up and determinedly kept my gaze up at the ceiling, reminding myself that no matter whom it was in the room, I wasn't going to respond to them in any way.

Kakarot glared at Vegeta, who was already in the bathroom with me. He had been watching me for several minutes and I hadn't even acknowledged that he was even there; he was fighting with every ounce of his being not to say or do anything stupid; like hit him, or maybe throw in his face that his little plan to keep me and himself apart had come a little too late.

Too late, asshole! I already fucked your woman; and she LOVED it!

With those unspoken words echoing in his head, Kakarot managed to school his features into something approximating respect. He knew they were untrue considering he hadn't fucked me before that night; but nevertheless, he was willing to lie just to get under the Prince's skin. He could act the part, if nothing else; he could act like he was fine with what happened. Vegeta was staring at him with an expression that Kakarot couldn't quite place. The Prince didn't look pleased to see him exactly, but he did almost look relived. He looked like a man that was having a crisis, and it pleased Kakarot to no end to see him dealing with emotions he'd probably never faced before.

The fear that I'd worked so hard on controlling welled up like a tsunami, threatening to sweep me away. Whimpering like a frightened child, I slid down the bathroom wall and closed my eyes tightly, my hands pressed over my ears as tried desperately to block everything out again. I felt hands on me and I screamed, trying frantically to pull away from the grip that, although gentle, was far stronger than I was.

Vegeta immediately backed off, frustrated and pissed off that he couldn't do anything. Kakarot stood still, frozen; what had he done?

"I'm afraid that I may have pushed her too far the other night…"

Vegeta paused and made sure that Kakarot was listening to him before he continued.

"Is that why you asked me to come back…?"

"She hasn't been the same since her punishment and there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to make her… happy."

Vegeta spoke out, as calmly as he could, ignoring Kakarot's question.

Well, no fucking shit, asshole! YOU TRICKED ME INTO RAPING HER AND YOU KNEW I COULDN'T STOP ONCE STARTED! OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO BE PRETTY FUCKED UP! To be totally honest, Vegeta… she was already messed up before you… I sensed that!

Kakarot thought calmly to himself; Vegeta paused again and gritted his teeth in frustration.

"I've deduced that if there isn't anything I can do to make her better, than I mustn't be the problem. Therefore, you're the problem and I need you to make things right again."

The taller Saiyan didn't respond for several moments and used the time to calm his racing heart before he responded to Vegeta. He didn't want the Prince to know just how much I had come to mean to him, even though it was obvious that Vegeta knew that he was attracted to me at the very least.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She won't talk to anyone, she won't eat, she won't move… she doesn't fucking do anything."

Vegeta slammed a fist down on the counter top behind him, his aura beginning to glow around him as his frustration got the better of him.

"One of the last things she asked me was if I'd made you hurt her, so obviously you're on her mind."

The Prince glared at him again and Kakarot again saw the burning jealousy boiling just underneath the surface. Kakarot raised his hands in what he hoped was a placating gesture.

"I'll talk to her if you think that will help."

"Oh, I'm not just going to let you talk to her. I'll let her do whatever the fuck she likes with you if it'll make her feel better; if she wants you to hurt, than you'll be hurt. If she wants you dead, then I'll kill you myself."

Vegeta's eyes glittered with obvious relish at those thoughts, and Kakarot made himself focus on the thought that if I suspected that it was Vegeta had set everything up than maybe I would forgive him. It had been Vegeta's idea after all; of course, I might be hurt enough to want him dead. He cared about me; he cared about me a lot, but enough to die for me, right…?

He also doubted if I would actually want to kill him. He was much more concerned with how he could manage to get me alone and say the things he needed to say without his lordship overhearing them. One way or another, he was going to have to work out a way to speak to me without Vegeta interfering, and the gods knew that Vegeta wasn't going to willingly leave them alone; unless of course, that that was what I wanted.

For the first time in several days, Kakarot smiled.

"I can apologize to Taylor… but, it'll have to be in private… Please…"

At the word 'apologize', I switched my attention from Vegeta to Kakarot, my eyes abruptly confused and bruised, and angry. In that one haunting look, Kakarot saw how much damage he'd caused me and he felt the unfamiliar ache of remorse slide through him. Gods, he was a fool! To spend his whole life free of any emotional attachments only to develop feelings for a weak, little human was ridiculous. If Vegeta was ever right about anything at any point in his life, it was that Kakarot really was the world's biggest idiot. Vegeta snorted at his suggestion, interrupting his thoughts.

"Do you really think I'm going to leave you alone with…?"

"I want him to apologize."

This time it was my voice, hesitant and soft, that interrupted him. I looked at Vegeta with eyes that managed to be both pleading and determined at the same time and reached out a small hand to touch his leg as he knelt down next to me, his own dark eyes intense. I felt him go still under my touch and I curled my nails against him gently and earnestly.

"I don't want you in here while he does, though. Both of you in the same room… it… it makes me… nervous."

My breathy voice made things tighten low in his chest and momentarily Vegeta wondered whether I was deliberately manipulating him, but the memory of me curled up on his bed and sobbing like a broken doll chased the thought from his mind. For the first time in days, I was speaking and responding to him. Vegeta gave me a long hard look before he nodded once and straightened up, switching his attention to Kakarot and gave him a withering glare.

"If you need me, just speak up. I'll just be right outside the door."

With that he turned on his heel and stalked out, closed the door behind him. I swallowed nervously and bit my lip as I watched Vegeta leave the room. Although I hadn't been lying when I'd said that both of them in the room with me at the same time made me nervous, I was just as nervous to be alone with Kakarot, perhaps even more so. I couldn't help, but tremble at his closeness; the memory of what he'd done to me made my mouth run dry and my body shiver. I was terrified and exhilarated at the same time.

Kakarot had crossed boundaries that made him truly threatening; he was a predator with the potential to hurt and to force me to do anything he wanted because he was so much stronger than me. The thought should have scared me to death, but it didn't. It didn't because I also knew that Kakarot couldn't hurt me without Vegeta's say so or even if he wanted to. He would refuse to at this point. He didn't mean to the first time, so why would he do it again? Right now I could do anything to him and he wouldn't stop me, so why was I thinking about all the things he could do to me? More importantly, why did I find the thought so tantalizing? I knew he wouldn't. He loved me. He was my friend.

I made myself look Kakarot squarely in the face as I acknowledged privately to myself how absolutely messed-up I was as he walked in the bathroom quietly. This wasn't normal. A normal person didn't go from the depths of utter despair to feeling enough terror to shock me out of it, and then spring board from that into lust. It wasn't normal. I wasn't normal.

"I'm sorry."