I throw myself into fixing everything around me. Helping dad with Kip's wake and funeral, providing an ear for Tara while the club deals with the loss of Abel and Gemma, running TM as well as I can and keeping more fucking secrets. The endless cycle is starting to wear thin. I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts so I hadn't stopped moving since finding out about Abel.
The night of the wake a mix of club members and military friends reminisce about the young prospect. We gather around and Filip lays a full patched kutte across the casket. The vote was unanimous. He would have been in heaven tonight at his patch party. I turn away, getting lost in the crowd and stopping to talk to some distant familiar faces, playing hostess. Everyone has a wish of condolence or a memory of Half-Sack. Flashes of Donna's death and funeral flood over me and I need a break. I find an unused room and sit down at a table, hanging my head over the smooth wood. I take several deep breaths, slowing the rising panic in my chest.
"What's going on Aubrey?" Kozik's voice interrupts my meditation.
"Just goin through it." I mutter with no conviction.
"Yeah, I see that." He sits down across from me. "You and Chibs hu?"
"I don't know." I keep my eyes on the table.
"We're all getting outta here, come on." Jaxson leans in the door to interrupt. Kozik stands up and pulls me to my feet.
We walk out into the fresh air, Juice and Kozik talking on either side of me. I barely listen to their debate while I stare at my feet. The sound of sudden gunfire startles me and something hard hits me, knocking me to the ground but holding me to cushion the fall. Screams and chaos erupt around us for a moment and then eerie silence cuts it off.
I roll to my side and look up at the warm barrier of protection covering me. Kozik looks down at me with an odd expression and I push him off of me. Filip is a short distance away, his body shielding a little boy. I close my eyes in relief that he is ok. My muscles protest when Juice and Happy pull me to my feet.
"You all right sweetie?" Happy looks me over.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I assure him, looking around at the damage to the people gathered to mourn. I rush over to Tara and Lyla; making sure they are uninjured. Filip makes it to my side and pulls me to him.
"I'm good, I'm good." I repeat in an effort to convince him.
He holds me at arms length and looks me over, his hands traveling to the injured areas he knows about. Nothing is damaged. When he's sure I'm in one piece, he walks away without another word. He disappears into the chaos and I join the girls; assessing the damage and calming those terrified.
We all stare as Unser rushes over to a lifeless body in the road. I recognize the uniform and realize its Hale. I watch as Jacob falls over his brother's body and I grimace at the sight. Opie stands next to us, holding Lyla close to him. I reach over and take his hand.
I step into the house, throwing my purse and keys on the table. I kick my shoes off in my bedroom and throw on a long t-shirt to sleep in before climbing into my bed. Burying myself in the blankets, I try to close my eyes to the images flashing through my head. Sleep evades me again and I finally admit defeat sometime after 1am. Instead I roll to my nightstand, gripping my phone and punching out a quick text.
Can you come by?
I wait, hoping for a response. A few moments later the screen lights up in my hand.
Yeah.
The simple response calms my agitation instantly. I lay awake, waiting for the sound of his bike and leap up when I hear it stop in my driveway. He walks in at the same time I reach the kitchen.
"E'erything al'right sweetheart?" He rushes over to me, his face full of concern.
"I'm sorry Filip. It's nothing like that." I tell him softly. My eyes drop in guilt.
"What is it baby?" He puts his hand on my cheek, rubbing his calloused thumb against it softly.
"I love it when you call me that. I have since that first night." I murmur into his palm, brushing my lips against his skin.
I take his hand in mine and kiss his fingertips, then his palm and finally the pulse point at his wrist. He sighs and leans his head against my forehead. I pull his hand, leading him into the bedroom. I kneel on the bed, turning back to face him. He stands at the edge of my bed, his eyes roaming over me with an almost angry need.
I wait a moment hoping he will make some move, something that lets me know he wants to be here. His eyes dance to my thighs fully exposed under my oversized t-shirt. I slide my legs open a little more and lean back. His hand cautiously reaches out, his fingertips barely touching my skin. A rush of heat erupts throughout my body. The wetness between my legs grows.
Filip unexpectedly grips the front of my shirt and pulls it roughly over my head, leaving me panting and naked. I lean forward and press my chest against his, pulling his face close to mine. His lips touch mine tentatively before backing away again. He gives up his resistance, kissing me roughly. He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and bites it sharply. He pushes me back to the bed. I reach for him as he undresses quickly.
He lays over me, his fingers digging into my hip and pushing me to the mattress. I try to push against him, his strong arm keeping me in place. He uses his knee to push my legs apart. There's nothing gentle in his movements.
Once he's successful, he pulls away from me. With no warning he buries his face between my legs and my body convulses at his touch, spasms rolling through me as he relentlessly and expertly manipulates me with his tongue. I buck against him wildly when a rough orgasm drives me back into the mattress harder. A low primal groan fills the air as I shudder under him.
He doesn't waste a moment between my final spasm and when he presses himself all the way into me in one violent push of his hips. I wrap my arms and legs around him, encouraging him to bury himself deep inside me and accepting him completely.
He raises my thigh up his side as he thrusts into me. He moans when I constrict against him, tightening around his cock as I came undone under his body. He speeds up to an insane pace and I arch my back against him as he finally groans loudly and presses his head against my chest. His hips twitch against me as we lay there spent and wrapped up in one another. I refuse to let him move, not able to give up our moment.
"I missed you Bree. I can't stand this." He mutters as he readjusts us to hold me against his body. I struggle to catch my breath before the tears overflow. "I've been goin crazy not bein here with ya. I need my girl."
Tears stream down my face and I sit up, turning away from him. He grabs me and pulls me to him.
"No, yer not goin anywhere. Yer gonna stay here and let me hold ya. Come here angel." His words coax me back to him and I lay over his chest.
"We make a poor excuse for a couple. You push me away and I run, it's a winning combination." I say against his chest. He grunts in agreement.
"It's yer fault. If ya weren't so damn stubborn." He yawns, stretching his arms above his head.
"I shouldn't have hid things from you. I should have told you everything from the beginning, no excuses." I look up into his face, searching for some sign of forgiveness. "Jax and I have been doing this whole complete honesty thing. It makes it easier to talk."
He slowly rubs his fingertips over my shoulder.
"Yeah, you and Jaxson hu?" I hear the jealous tone in his voice and shake my head.
"Yes. He's my brother Filip, that's all. It started when I was still at the hospital. It's like a game, he tells me some truth, I tell him some. We balance the secrets so neither of us is carrying a burden alone."
"So ya want the truth?" He thinks for a moment. "I considered a deal with Stahl, offered ta turn in Jimmy O."
The words hang in the air. I don't press him to elaborate or give me details; that is not how the game works. I swallow against the growing lump in my throat. Fiona's voice taunts me in the back of my head.
"I heard." I tell him. "Clay put a hit out on Opie. I found out at Donna's funeral. There wasn't any proof at that time, but I knew in my gut."
"I did it to protect Karianne." He pauses and I hold my breath. "And Fiona."
"I knew about Jax leaving before anyone else. He wanted to leave because he found proof that Clay was responsible for Donna's death. He confronted Clay and the old man threatened to kill Jax if the club found out. It was gonna turn bloody and he wanted to get out while he could. I wanted that for him." I continue, trying to ignore the hate her name stirs up in me.
"I kissed Fiona. I might have done more if she didn't pull away." His voice is barely audible and I struggle to stay still. I don't speak again; afraid my voice is going to give away the pain in my chest. He listens to my ragged breathing for a moment. "Say somethin darlin'." Unable to hold it all in anymore, the words pour out of me before I can stop them.
"I'm afraid that when you're with me-inside of me; that you are wishing it was her. I'm afraid that you're not going to be able to forgive me, or that I don't want to forgive you. I'm afraid that the next dead body on the pavement or the kitchen floor is going to be someone else that I care about, especially you. I see your dead body every time I close my God damn eyes." My voice steadily rises with each angry admission; there are no more tears I can let out as I continue. "I'm afraid that we're falling apart and I don't know how to stop it. I'm afraid of everything I feel for you cuz I've never felt this way before. I'm disgusted at the lies I told and secrets I held on to. I became someone, something unrecognizable and terrifying."
My word vomit threatens to turn literal as nausea rolls over me. I push myself off of him, running for the bathroom and barely making it before every ounce of fear and stress I've been holding onto rushes out of me in violent heaving that makes my body scream. Filip sits on the edge of my bed, his head in his hands.
I curl up next to the tub, my cheek pressed firmly against the cool porcelain. The contrast in temperature sends a chill throughout my body.
"Are you all right?" His voice stirs me from my own world. I turn my head slowly toward him, taking a moment to register what he asked me. The movement feels like slow motion and my vision blurs.
"I'm tired Filip. I'm done." I whisper. The last few months finally push me over the edge. My lack of sleep and real food do damage to my mental health and I finally break. The edges of my vision darken and I pass out sliding hard to the floor.