Same Ianto, Different Jack
Chapter 28: Interlude with Ianto's Jack
by Gracefultree
A/N: This chapter was supposed to be about 5,000 words, but it got away from me. Thank Jack for that. Just don't expect the next one to be so long... Please read, enjoy, and review. We're getting closer and closer to the end of the story, so be prepared.
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Jack sat on his bed in his old room in the TARDIS, staring into space. He'd asked the Doctor to be the last person to be dropped off once Earth had been returned to its proper place in the galaxy, and the Doctor had taken one look at his expression and the lines of tension on his face and told him he'd come find him when he was done with everyone else. Jack figured the Doctor must be growing up, to actually stop his mad dashes long enough to help a friend he'd already abandoned once. Good.
He fingered the burgundy duvet the TARDIS created for him, his mind automatically thinking how good it would look next to Ianto's pale skin.
He was always thinking of Ianto these days. Every day. Every hour. Almost every minute when he wasn't actively engaged in something else, and even then thoughts of his missing lover would occasionally intrude. He thought of and longed for Ianto every single day since the Rift took him, and it wasn't getting any easier to deal with him being gone. He hadn't been able to think about sex with someone other than Ianto, either, which was even more concerning, given his history as a love-em-and-leave-em kind of guy. Ianto was stuck under his skin, and it was extremely uncomfortable. Maybe the Doctor wasn't the only one who was growing up.
He hoped desperately that the Doctor would be able to do something. Ease his worry, at the very least, even if he couldn't find Ianto. He sighed. That wasn't the Doctor's usual style, but then again, it wasn't Jack's to keep thinking about a lover quite this long or this obsessively.
It wasn't like Jack to seek out the comfort of friends, either. He had so few of them. Real ones, anyway. But he'd done it. He'd talked to Tosh and Owen. He'd even talked to Gwen, once he calmed down enough from reading Ianto's diary and learning about how uncomfortable his relationship with the woman made Ianto. And how many petty little rudenesses Gwen would perpetrate on Ianto, like deliberately leaving her field kit a mess for Ianto to clean or badgering him into doing her dry cleaning when she knew he was already busy with a time-sensitive project for Jack. Jack had also talked to Archie, strange as the man was, and learned a few things about his friend in the process. He decided that maybe Archie wasn't as strange as he made out to be, that he wore the strangeness as a mask, the way Jack used flirtation and innuendo.
Jack sighed, imagining Ianto cold and alone and in danger Gods-knew-where. He wanted to take the duvet and drape it over his lover's shoulders, cuddle up with him and just kiss him. No, they didn't even have to kiss. Jack would be satisfied with just holding him. Maybe even just being in his presence, if he couldn't touch him.
He looked around the room again, in awe of the TARDIS. The room was beautiful, and he could tell that the sentient time traveling spaceship had tried her hardest to cheer him up. He thought the others were mostly fooled by his usual exuberant exterior, including Martha and Rose, the two people who knew him best out of the Doctor's 'children of time', but he also knew that he couldn't fool the telepathic ship. She sang comfort and understanding and peace in his head, as well as an apology, continuing where she'd left off the last time, after the dealings with the Master.
No longer the bachelor pad he'd had during his first trip with the Doctor and Rose, nor the comfortable and comforting recreation of his bunker at the Hub from after the Year That Never Was, this room was a tribute to his relationship with Ianto, easily combining their styles perfectly, though she seemed to give Ianto's taste a bit more presence. Jack didn't mind in the slightest, recognizing that Ianto's style was classy and attractive, rather than his own slightly militaristic tendencies. He lay back on the bed, clutching the photo of Ianto she'd somehow found/created and left on the nightstand for him.
A simple headshot, the photo showed Ianto giving that enigmatic flirty smile Jack loved so much. He didn't think a picture like this existed anywhere but in his head... though he wouldn't put it past the TARDIS to find it in there and make a 'hard copy' for him to take home. He closed his eyes and drifted.
A knock on the doorframe a few minutes later disturbed him, and he raised his head. The Doctor wouldn't knock. He'd just barge right in, demanding to know what Jack's problem was and what he could do to help and suggesting various planets and times that would be interesting 'rest stops' along the way. Such as Barcelona, which seemed to be a place he talked about a lot, but never managed to get to.
"Jack? The TARDIS opened the door. Can I come it?" Rose Tyler asked softly, standing at the threshold of the door. He waved her over and sat up, putting the photo back on the nightstand and patting the bed next to him. "You ok?" she asked, once she was seated. "It's not like you to avoid everyone." She paused, waiting for him to answer. "We're the last ones left, and my mother, but she wouldn't go anywhere without me, not at this point. Martha and Mickey went to London. The Doctor took Sarah Jane and Donna home." They sat in silence for a moment. "So, are you ok?" she asked again.
"Not really," he admitted. She did a double-take, looking at him quickly a second time at the honesty she didn't expect. He held up his arm and she snuggled against him, her blond hair cascading over his shoulder. It was nice to be with her again, even though he knew the reunion would be short-lived. Seeing her, being near her, he'd learned that his love for her was much more brotherly than he'd ever thought it was, and that was fine with him. It seemed to be fine with her, as well, though they hadn't discussed it.
"You want to talk about it?" she asked.
Jack paused, thinking. "I need a favor from the Doc, and I'm not sure he'll be able to do anything. But, then again, you're here from a parallel universe, so maybe he can."
"What's up?"
Jack reached over and grabbed the picture of Ianto, which was suddenly smaller and of his entire body, casually sitting on the sofa in the Hub in one of Jack's favorite suits, showing it to her. "His name's Ianto. Ianto Jones. He's one of my team, and the Rift took him, and I haven't been able to find him. I'm beginning to think he got taken to a parallel universe. If the Doctor can get you home back to yours, I think he might be able to help me find him wherever he is."
Rose looked at the picture, then at Jack's expression, then back at the picture.
"He looks nice."
"He is," Jack said, tracing Ianto's face with a finger. He sighed sadly.
"Oh my God, you love him, don't you?" she demanded, suddenly excited. "He's the one the Doctor mentioned! The person waiting in Cardiff for you!"
Jack looked at her, confused. "He said I have someone in Cardiff waiting for me?"
"Well, he said you had a team that protects the Earth, and Sarah Jane said it was Torchwood, she knows because she likes to look into all of us who used to travel with him, but he also said that when he dropped you off the last time you saw each other, you had this look on your face, like you were excited to see someone."
"Yeah, that'd be Ianto," Jack murmured. "We only had seven months after that before the Rift took him."
"How long has it been since then?"
"A year, give or take."
"And you still miss him? You still want to find him?"
"He's really special, Rose. He's just an ordinary man, but he became extraordinary to me. He became everything." He touched the glass of the picture frame again, watching as another picture of Ianto appeared, this one of him standing in the kitchenette at the Hub making coffee. From the angle, Jack could tell it was one of the times when he'd stood on the opposite side of the Hub, leaning against the gantry, just watching Ianto move and go about his daily tasks. It was one of those moments when Jack tried his hardest to memorize every bit of Ianto's body so he could recreate it in his memory once Ianto was gone.
"He makes the best coffee I've ever tasted. He took care of me. He made sure I always had food, and clean clothes, and he could cheer me up when I was feeling down." He sighed again, watching the picture become one of Ianto curled up in his bed, asleep, the sheets draped over his hips. Jack smiled. "We'd be living together now, if he hadn't disappeared. We practically were already. We spent every night together, either at his or at the Hub."
"I never thought I'd see the day when you settled down," she breathed, taking the picture to look at it more closely. Now Ianto was dressed in his usual suit and tie, earpiece in his ear, stun gun at the ready. He looked fierce. "He must be really special. I'd like to meet him."
"I'd like you to meet him," Jack responded. The picture changed again, becoming Ianto and the team at the conference table. Ianto's face looked like he'd just delivered one of his snarky lines, given the smirk on it and the look of horror on Owen's and the way Tosh and Gwen were both trying to hide their laughter behind their hands.
"He looks like he has a sense of humor."
"He does." Jack smiled, remembering the many dry quips and sarcastic comments Ianto had made over their time together. "Did you know that it's been 140 years since I was on the Game Station with you and the Doctor?" Jack asked, changing the topic of conversation. "Either that or 2140, if you count the years I was buried and frozen. It's really good to see you again. I never thought I would, for a long time."
"You're like the brother I never had," Rose blurted, hugging him more tightly. "I mean, if that's ok?"
"I was just thinking that you're like a sister to me," he commented. "I guess great minds think alike, huh?"
Rose gave him a big smile. "I was so worried, when you kissed us goodbye. I thought it would be the end."
"I survived," Jack said simply.
"Yeah, about that… What's with you coming back to life? Scared me to death, it did!"
"He didn't tell you?"
"Tell her what?" the Doctor asked from the doorway.
"About how I got the way I did," Jack answered.
The Doctor tugged on his ear, looking embarrassed. "Oh, um, not exactly. Didn't seem relevant at the time."
"Neither did coming back for me, apparently," Jack grumbled. "But I'm over it now," he quickly amended. "It's not worth it to hold a grudge. We'll have a lot of years to know each other, and I want to put the past behind us."
The Doctor stepped into the room, the meta-crisis Doctor behind him. "Why do you want to be dropped off last?" the Doctor asked.
"Last time you wanted to be first," the meta-crisis Doctor added. "What happened to that team of yours? Don't you want to go back to them?"
Jack frowned, taking the picture back from Rose, noting that it had become one of the entire Torchwood Three team, including Ianto. A psychic frame, then, as he suspected. He handed it over to the two Doctors. "That's them," he said. They looked at the picture for a moment. "I need a favor," Jack said, getting off the bed to stand in front of them, Rose jumping up to support him at his side.
"What do you need?"
"My lover, Ianto Jones, this man, he was taken by the Rift a year ago. I need your help finding him."
The Doctor looked up from the picture. "I can't control the Rift, Jack," he said with a certain sadness in his voice.
"But we could look through time to find him," the meta-crisis Doctor suggested. "See where he ended up so Jack would know how long he'd have to wait to see him again."
"That's the problem," Jack said. "I've done that already. I fixed my vortex manipulator and I went ahead and checked all kinds of records, but he wasn't in any of them. I'm thinking he's in a parallel universe, like Rose was. So, if you can get her back, surely you can look —"
"No," both Doctors said at once. "It's difficult enough getting Rose back without causing an inter-universe crisis," the Doctor added.
"Oi, who said I was going back?" Rose demanded. "I want to be here with you!"
"And lose your father again?" the meta-crisis Doctor asked. "And your mother? Jackie's already said she wants to go back to Pete."
"Oh," Rose whispered, deflated. "I didn't think of that."
"Still, you can do it —" Jack started to say.
"No," both Doctors repeated. "We can't risk it," the Doctor said. "The Rift does its own thing. If it took him to an alternate universe, he's on his own getting back."
"I don't accept that," Jack growled. "You owe me! You need to —"
Suddenly, both Doctors' heads turned to look away from Jack and Rose. "What's that?" the meta-crisis Doctor asked.
"I'm not sure…" the Doctor answered, his face scrunched in confusion. His expression cleared and he clapped his hands together in excitement. "Better investigate! Come on, you lot, allons-y," he said, dashing away, the rest of them following.
It the control room, a bright white light shown from one of the panels. As they approached, a manilla envelope materialized out of thin air. The two Doctors walked over and the Doctor examined it with his sonic screwdriver while the meta-crisis Doctor looked at it through the 3D glasses.
"It's covered in Void-stuff," the meta-crisis Doctor said.
"And that's Gallifreyan," the Doctor added, indicating the writing on the outside. He picked it up and started reading aloud. "To Captain Jack Harkness of Torchwood Three, Cardiff, Twenty-first century Earth, who lost his lover Ianto Jones to the Rift on —"
Jack snatched the envelope from the Doctor and ripped it open.
"Hey!" the Doctor protested. Jack ignored him, upending the envelope and dropping a small pile of letters onto the ground, followed by a leather-bound book. He settled in a cross-legged position in front of the pile and started sorting the letters, leaving the book next to him. Each letter was addressed to some variation of 'Ianto's Jack' in his own handwriting and they had numbers in the corners, indicating in which order they should be read. The last letter was simply addressed to 'Jack.' He felt tears at the corners of his eyes seeing that, recognizing Ianto's handwriting. He opened the first letter from 'himself' and started reading, deciding it would be too emotional to read something from Ianto in front of an audience.
"What's it say?" Rose asked, looking over his shoulder. "Doesn't the TARDIS translate everything?" she asked, turning to the Doctor.
"She's giving Jack some privacy," the meta-crisis Doctor explained. "I think that's the language he grew up with."
Jack gave a choked sob and covered his mouth, clutching the letter to his chest. "He's alive," he whispered. "He made it through the Rift unharmed." He paused, picking up the letter from Ianto. "I mean, I knew this was his handwriting, but…"
"That's great!" Rose exclaimed.
"I, um, I'm going back to my room," Jack said, gathering his letters and the book, which he now assumed must be Ianto's diary. "I'll be back in a little while," he added, disappearing down the hall at a run. Rose peered anxiously after him, hearing his labored breathing from trying not to cry in front of all of them.
The Doctor picked up the manilla envelope where Jack had dropped it. He gave it a shake, and a small disk the size of a half-pound coin fell out onto his palm. "He'll want this, too, I wager," he said to the meta-crisis Doctor. "If it's what I think it is, it'll have all the Rift data Ianto's collected, jumping from world to world."
"I'll convert it to something he can use," the meta-crisis Doctor said, taking it from his counterpart and going over to the console. The screen lit up with golden Gallifreyan symbols. "Hmm, what do you think?" he asked the Doctor.
The Doctor examined the screen, adjusting a few levers and buttons. "It'll take some time to calibrate," he muttered, putting on his glasses.
"But we have to do it," the meta-crisis Doctor declared.
"What are you talking about?" Rose asked.
"Yeah, what's all the commotion, now? Can't a girl get some beauty sleep?" Jackie Tyler demanded, walking into the control room, her tone of voice annoyed. "First it was Mickey babbling at me, then Jack charging down the hall like he was being chased by Cybermen. Are you going at it next?"
"Mum," Rose said softly. "Jack just got word that his lover's alive. He's in an alternate universe, like we were. He's happy."
"Could'a fooled me! He was bawling his eyes out, the poor dear."
"Well, that is unusual for Captain Jack," the Doctor huffed, still fiddling with the control panel.
"But he's changed," the meta-crisis Doctor commented. "Surely you noticed? He's been through a lot since the time on the Valiant, and that wasn't exactly fun for him."
"Anyway, what are you two doing?" Rose asked again. "I want an explanation this time."
"We're trying to send a message back," the meta-crisis Doctor said.
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Dear Jack,
The Doctor over here didn't give me much time to write this, so I'll be brief.
I love you. I think about you and miss you every day. I'm trying to get home.
The Doctor says that he'll be able to get you a physical message through Your Doctor, so I'm taking a chance and sending along my diary for you. It has all my thoughts and feelings since the Rift took me. I want you to read it and know what I've been through and how important you are to me. Besides, I figure you've already read the one I had at home. I'm not upset about that, by the way. I figured you would.
It's been a little more than three years for me. The Doctor tells me that he can use the data from the Rift flare that brought me here, as well as the data on my vortex manipulator (You'll read about that in the diary.) to triangulate a one-way message to Your Doctor. Once Your Doctor sends his data back, this Doctor will update my vortex manipulator to harness the next appropriate Rift flare to bring me home. He's as certain as any version of the Doctor can be about anything that it'll work. But I won't be able to come back before I left, meaning that for every day I've been away from you, I have to be away from you. It's been three years for me, which means it'll be three years for you, too. I don't know how long it's been yet, but it'll be at least that long. I hope it's not longer. I pray it's not longer.
I'm sorry it won't be sooner. If I could come back the day after I left, the minute after I left, I would.
I will come back to you. I promise you that, and I always keep my promises.
It's been a wild ride, and I've met a number of other yous, but, again, you'll read about that in the diary. I hope you know shorthand. If not, you'll have to learn it. (I wanted to be able to fit as much as possible in the one book, just in case something like this happened and I could send it to you before I could go myself.) If New Jack could learn enough Welsh in six months to understand my nightmares, I'm sure you can manage shorthand.
Make sure you give the Doctor the disk that's with the letters and diary. It'll give him the information he needs to help bring me back.
I love you, My Jack, and I'll be sure to tell you to your face every day for as long as I live once I get back.
I love you.
Ianto
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Jack blinked back tears and started searching through the envelopes and diary for the disk Ianto mentioned in his letter. He couldn't find it. It wasn't anywhere! He scrambled around, panicking, his breathing coming in sharp gasps as he flipped through the pages of the diary without reading them. It still wasn't there. He dropped everything but the letter in his hand and ran as fast as he could back to the control room.
"Doctor!" he shouted. "Doctor —"
"We have the disk," Rose interrupted, grabbing both his arms to hold him still. "They're working on it. We know."
Jack continued looking around wildly, his eyes touching on everyone and the frenzied pace of the Doctor and the meta-crisis Doctor's movements around the control panel. He ran his fingers through his hair, messing it completely.
"Anything you want to say?" the meta-crisis Doctor asked. "I can't send matter like he could, but we can make a hologram."
"Yes!" Jack barked. "Yes, tell me where to go and when to talk."
"It'll take a while yet. The calculations are tricky," the Doctor said.
"You might want to read some of the other letters while you have the time," Rose suggested. "If you want. We'll come get you when he's done doing what he needs to do."
Jack nodded and made his way back to his room. He settled on the bed and picked up Ianto's diary. "Here goes nothing," he whispered. The very first entry was a letter addressed to him. He started reading.
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Dear Jack,
It's been a little over a day since I woke up in what I'm coming to realize is an alternate universe from our own. The Rift took me, as I'm sure you know by now. There's another Jack Harkness here that looks and sounds and smells like you, but he's not you. Of course he's not you.
I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't know if you'll ever see this letter, but I'm writing it anyway, just in case. I need you to know that I didn't leave you. I didn't choose to go, and I'm doing everything in my power to get back to you. I managed to steal a swipe card from New Jack, so as soon as they're all gone from the Hub, I can get out of this cell and set some plans in motion.
There are so many things I could say, so many things I never said to you because I was scared, or embarrassed or any number of other emotions, things I might never have the opportunity to say, now that I'm so far away. But I think the most important thing is also the simplest.
I love you.
I like to think you knew that already, even though I never said it out loud. I like to think that you love me back, but, again, you've never said. So I'm going forward thinking that you do, that you're looking for me, that you're doing your own part in getting me back.
You saved me, Jack. You took me back on the team and gave me another chance after Lisa, and then you gave me another chance in your bed. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget you. I'll never forget your compassion and caring. You took a broken man and molded me into the man I am now, gave me a reason for living again. That reason is you. I'm still alive because of you, and with so much distance between us, I'm not ashamed to say it, even if I couldn't say it to your face before now.
I love you, Jack, and I'm coming home. Somehow, somewhen, I'll get home to you.
Please try to hold on for me. I'm coming home.
Ianto
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Jack stroked the page, not bothering to try to slow his tears, though he made sure they missed the paper. Ianto loved him. Really loved him. And he said it! Well, wrote it down, anyway, but isn't that more powerful than saying it? This was different than reading the diary he found in Ianto's flat after Ianto got taken, Jack realized. In that diary, Ianto said that he loved him, but he was writing to himself. This letter was written to Jack. To him, telling him that he loved him.
He wiped his face and turned to the next page, finding the shorthand Ianto mentioned.
"Guess I'll have to learn shorthand," he muttered to himself, flipping through the book. Another letter to him in regular writing showed up, and he settled down to read.
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Dear Jack,
It's been a month. I'm settled in, as much as I can be. New Jack has agreed to help me get back to you, and we have more Rift alarms around this Hub than I thought possible. New Tosh set her predictor program to notify us if anything resembling the one that brought me here happens again. The theory is that if it's close enough to the first flare, I'll be able to ride it home.
It's strange, being in the Hub, interacting with New Jack and New Tosh and New Owen. New Gwen left Torchwood a few weeks after I arrived, so it's just the four of us. I'll tell you more about that when I see you again.
I'm thinking of this whole thing as an off-site mission. While I'm stuck here, I decided to help New Jack. He never had someone to talk to after he got back from traveling with the Doctor, and he's not doing so well. He has horrible nightmares, like you used to have, and he's extremely lonely.
I tell myself that it's ok that I'm sleeping with him, that you wouldn't care, or, if you did, wouldn't mind all that much, but the reality is that it's not ok, and I'm still doing it. It's like when I was sleeping with you and trying to save Lisa… only this is more difficult. I love you, and he's not you, but at the same time he is, and I'm just so mixed up in my head half the time, waking up in bed with him thinking he's you… then it just gets awkward for both of us.
Do you hate me now, for sleeping with someone else? I hope not.
I know we never talked about monogamy, or what we did while you were gone. Now might as well be the time to do it. I had sex with a few women when you were away. Just two, and I was completely shitfaced when I did it, thanks to Owen, but that's not an excuse, is it? I was miserable without you, and that seemed like a solution. It wasn't. In fact, it taught me that what I had with you was more than just a physical thing, at least on my part. I haven't been with anyone else since. Just you. I only want you. I want you to be only with me, but I'd never ask you for that. I know you'd have to make that decision on your own. I'm not asking it of New Jack.
I miss you so much sometimes that I can't even look at him, and it's those times when I doubt myself, when I doubt what I'm doing with him. He needs someone, and for now, I can be that someone. Is it a betrayal of you to help him, another you? Am I really cheating on you if you're the same man in two different bodies with slightly different experiences? Sometimes, I think it is, other times I don't.
And I have no idea what you'd think of the matter.
He says that you'd understand. He says that you might be hurt, but that you'd be proud of me for helping him, that you'd respect my choice. He says that he's falling in love with me, and that if it's happening so quickly for him, you must have been head over heels for me before I betrayed you with Lisa. That you probably never got over me, and even with that betrayal, you loved me. That that's why you couldn't kill or retcon me. He says you're probably in love with me now. As I said in my first letter, I'm going forward believing that you do. I can't do anything else.
How I regret that betrayal. I should've come to you first, once I knew you. I never should have slept with you if I didn't. I should've killed her when she killed Tanizaki instead of hiding his body, because my Lisa would never have done anything like that and I should've known the Cyberman had taken over her body. I should've known it was using me.
I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. I'm sorry for everything. I hope you get this letter and are able to forgive me. I'll tell you all this in person when I see you. Believe me on that, because I am coming back. Somehow.
I love you.
Ianto
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"Oh, Ianto," Jack whispered, his voice hoarse from all the crying. "How could you think I hate you? I've never hated you, not even when things were their worst between us." He shook his head. "And how could I begrudge you for helping another me? For sleeping with another me? You forget where I come from, if you're worried about that." He took a deep breath. "I forgave you long ago," he added. "I'll have to tell you that, won't I? I thought you knew."
He absently started flipping pages again until he found the next letter.
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Dear Jack,
It's been hard day for me. New Jack died several times on a mission, and when he revived, the first thing he did was ask for me. I was at the Hub, coordinating. I barely leave. I'm too afraid that the Rift will want to take me home when I'm off-base, so I get these panic attacks when I'm not here. New Owen's had to give me something to take when I get them, they get so bad. But New Jack was asking for me, and it was a gruesome death, so I left the Hub to comfort him, and then he died again, while I was holding him. It was like, even though he healed and came back, he didn't heal completely and had to die again to reset. I've never seen something like that happen to you, so I had no idea what to do. I just hung on to him until he came back.
New Owen told me later that having me there, that knowing I was on the way, even, helped New Jack get through what he had to do. Apparently, it reminded him of something that happened on the Valiant. He talks about it, you know. He tells me what actually happened to him. I'm not sure if it's what happened to you, but some of the things you've said when I woke you up from nightmares are similar, so maybe it did.
It got me thinking of you more than usual. It got me thinking of the first time I woke you up from one of those nightmares, your first night back, when we were at the St. David's. I can't tell you how relieved I was to see you that day. I know I didn't show it, but a man has to have some pride, especially in front of the others. I never told you how bad it got for me when you were gone. Everyone was worried about me, even Owen, which tells you something. He gave me pills, then, too. I'd just gotten back to myself when you showed up.
But that day, Gwen was right there, panting for your attention, so I didn't want to get in the way of that, if that's what you really wanted. Yes, you'd kissed me when you came back from Abaddon, but then you disappeared immediately afterwards. For all I knew, it could have been a goodbye kiss, though it certainly didn't feel like it at the time. I've since figured out that it was more of the 'welcome home' kisses we've shared on occasion. But back to Gwen. I saw the CCTV of your talk in the hall, you know. I never told you about that, either. I convinced myself you were disappointed that she was engaged and not available anymore, but after looking back, I think it was more about you thinking about losing her to Rhys and her leaving Torchwood, and not about sex or your unrequited feelings for her. You'd promised you wouldn't go there, and you hadn't. I trusted you in that, even with the video.
And then you asked me out, and everything changed for the better. I know we haven't had many dates, but I've treasured every one. Even the one that ended with Weevils in the sewers and a ruined suit.
I was going to leave you, once. I'm not sure if you ever knew. Somehow, you found the perfect thing to say, though, and I didn't. After you came back, after you shared what you did, about the Valiant, and the Doctor, and the little you mentioned about your past, well, I never thought of leaving you again. I knew then that you trusted me in a way you didn't trust the others, and not just because we were having sex. I knew you shared things with me you'd never consider telling Gwen.
Yes, I'd been jealous of her for a long time. But you probably figured that out when I made not being with her a condition of us getting back together, didn't you? You're not stupid, even if you like to pretend sometimes. Too smart for your own good, half the time, and that's what gets you in trouble, because you're always thinking much too hard and too many steps ahead so that you've already come to the conclusion we spend hours getting to, and by then you've moved on to the next three.
I love that about you. I love how you can be so far ahead of us on so many levels but not make us feel stupid that we're not right there with you. I love that you trust me enough to explain some of those things to me later, and that you never look down on me that I didn't get it immediately.
I love that little smile you get sometimes when you're watching me and think I can't see you. I'd give just about anything to see it again right now.
I will see it again. I know that. I believe that.
I'm coming home. Still haven't figured out how, but I will.
I love you.
Ianto
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Dear Jack,
Six months I've been away from you. Six months without your touch, without your voice, without your presence. I'm still with New Jack, but I can differentiate between you two in a way I couldn't when I first got here. There are a lot of things about him that just aren't you.
He talks to me in ways you never have, which is interesting, but also unsettling. I know things about him, and maybe you, that you never shared with me. It'll be strange coming home and knowing them. I'm a little worried about how you'll react to me knowing all this stuff, given your need for secrets. He told me much more about Gray, and your parents, and that horrible day when you lost both Gray and your father, and he told me about the Time Agency. He told me about the time with the Doctor, both when you left us and before you even got to Earth, though what happened to him with the Master sounds worse than what happened to you, and your relationship with the Doctor is very different (and better) than his relationship with his Doctor. Different universes, different histories, I guess. When I get back, it might be good for us to compare notes, so I don't assume things about you based on what he's told me.
He mentioned a daughter named Alice and a grandson named Steven. I haven't met them, and neither of us have any interest in that. Do you have a daughter? I like to think you'd tell me something like that, but, then again, it could be about protecting her. Them. The fewer people who know, the better. I never told you about my family, either, so fair's fair.
My father wasn't a master tailor. It was my grandfather, and I spent summers with him every year until I was twelve, when he died. That's where I developed my appreciation for suits and good clothing. My father was a good man, but a mean drunk, and I left as soon after he died as I could. Hell, you might already know all this. For all I know, you went to my sister's place to tell her I was missing. I hope you did. I wouldn't want her to think I was dead, since I'm not. If you did, I don't care if you told her we're together. I was probably going to tell her at some point, anyway. Just never got around to it. No, that's not true. I didn't want to tell her when I couldn't define what we were to each other. I couldn't exactly tell her that I was fuck-buddies with my boss, could I?
If I saw her now, I'd tell her that you're my boyfriend. I hope you don't mind me presuming that. New Jack says you've probably been calling me that to yourself for ages now, so in some ways it's long overdue. But I wasn't ready to admit to having to boyfriend, to admit that I wasn't straight, no matter what we were doing physically (and how much of it).
I'm ready now.
I miss you, my Jack. My real Jack.
And I love you.
Ianto
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Dear My Jack,
The Rift's taken me to another universe again, rather than home. When I left, New Tosh's program said it was a 98% match with the Rift flare that got me there, so I was hopeful I made it back to you, but here I am, in a world where Torchwood is a television show. It's all rather absurd, when you get down to it. And I've seen the show. It's a cheesy, sexy, post-watershed sci-fi show with a 'monster of the day' theme. It's actually remarkably similar to what happened to us, though they leave out most of the sex you and I had. They imply that we didn't get together until after the second incident with Suzie, which made me laugh, considering what happened the night we met.
There's also a television show about the Doctor. I have no idea about how accurate it is to real life, but there's a bit about you, both when you meet him in 1941 in London, and about the Year That Never Was that seems to go along with what New Jack told me, and with the few things you mentioned. There's also a depiction of the Battle, and many of the actors look like friends and colleagues of mine who died there.
I've created an identity for myself here, and am working on settling in. There's no Rift, so I have no idea how long I'll be here. I have no idea if I'll be able to leave here, but I have some tech from New Jack's universe that he gave me before I left. (Hacking MI5 to see if any of us exist is much easier with Torchwood tech than without it, as you can imagine.)
It was harder to leave New Jack than I thought it would be, but I didn't question my decision to do it. I didn't hesitate, either. He didn't fight for me, or ask me to stay. He knew that I was going back to you, that my whole reason for staying with him was to be close by when the Rift decided to take me again. He even left me a letter in my bag, thanking me for being there for him while I was there. He says he's going to be all right, and I just have to trust him on that. So I will.
It's been over a year since the Rift took me from you, and I can only imagine what it's been like for you. I wonder if you're still looking for me, or if you've given up. I hope not, because I haven't.
I love you.
Ianto
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Dear My Jack,
Another Rift flare, yet another universe. I miss you more and more as I meet all these other yous. I've traveled in time this time, and I'm back in the winter of 2007. It's New Year's Eve, in fact. Believe it or not, I have a double date. Sort of. Lisa's alive here, and I couldn't say no to her. And you're here, or, another you. So the three of us are going out. We haven't quite figured out what's going on between us, but it's something. She was sleeping with him when I got here, and I offered myself to him before I knew that… and it's her…
I feel terrible writing to you about this kind of thing, about me getting into relationships with other people. New Jack taught me that I can love you and him at the same time. I was never really convinced that sort of thing was possible, but he helped me learn it. He helped me live it. Because I did love him, though not as much as I love you, and he never resented me for that. He never got jealous of you, which was kind of amazing, actually.
This thing with New Lisa and Her Jack is nothing like when you and I were going out for sex with strangers. Not that it's supposed to be. I never told you, but I hated it by the end. I hated being with anyone that wasn't you. That's why I was going to leave you. Because I finally figured out that I wanted more from you than you seemed willing or able to give. I was starting to want a relationship, and that's not something we ever talked about, or said we wanted. In fact, I remember very vividly you standing in my flat a few weeks after we got back together shouting at me that there was no possibility of us having a relationship, ever, and if I wanted the sex, I had to shut up, grow up, and give up on the idea. So I did.
Until I couldn't any longer.
I think I'd asked you out to dinner, rather than just get take away, and you sneered and said you didn't do relationships, which got me angry, because all I wanted was dinner… well, all I admitted I wanted was dinner. I wasn't ready to admit, even to myself, that I wanted more.
New Lisa is remarkably like My Lisa, which I would have thought would be a good thing, except I'm finding that I just miss you too much. I think of you when I'm with her. I don't know if I've fallen out of love with her, but I certainly don't have the same feelings for New Lisa as I did for mine. I buried her, after all, and I moved on.
New Lisa's Jack, as I've taken to calling him in my head, has Tosh working on a Rift predictor program. Since it's so long ago, it's well behind what Our Tosh knows and has done, so in some ways I'm screwed. Not as bad as the last universe, though.
I'm not looking forward to what happens when New Lisa's Jack gets taken to 1941 by Bilis in a few weeks. Will I prevent New Lisa's Owen from opening the Rift this time, sentencing New Lisa's Tosh to die slowly, before she was even born? To sentence New Lisa's Jack to getting back to us by taking the slow path? Or do I use the equations Our Tosh had to open it with all the proper numbers? Get them both back without provoking Abaddon? Tosh showed me all the numbers, you know, after it was done. I still remember them.
I don't know how you dealt with all these kinds of things, being a Time Agent and traveling with the Doctor. I wonder if I'll get to meet him in one of these universes. I wonder how similar he'd be to Your Doctor.
How do I even begin to think about what my life has become? Each universe I find, each you that's not you, I miss you more. I miss what we had. I miss what we were building, or trying to build, even if we didn't talk about it. It's weird. I've been reliving our relationship in my head, over and over. I've been comparing you to New Lisa's Jack, and finding him wanting. I doubt he'd fall for me. He just doesn't have that mindset. It's just about sex to him, and I need more than that. New Lisa wants monogamy from me, and a full-fledged relationship, and I find that I can't do it, not with my heart still belonging to you.
Not that I've slept with either of them yet, though it's on the horizon. I'm trying to keep my head about me.
Maybe I'm here in this universe to finally be able to say goodbye to her, once and for all? I don't know. Life takes us to strange places, doesn't it?
Know that I'm still trying to get home to you.
I love you, my Jack.
I love you.
Ianto
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Jack stopped reading, flipping quickly through the whole book. He found the last letter, only a few pages before the end of the diary entries. He stared into space for a few minutes, trying to decide if he should read them in order or just get to the end to see what Ianto was thinking closer to his 'now' of when he sent the diary.
His impatience won out and he looked down at the page.
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Dear My Jack,
Three years, today, I've been away from you. Three years and nine different universes. Or is it ten? I think it's ten. Eleven, counting home.
I had a breakdown the other night. Don't laugh, but it was caused by New New Jack flirting with and groping the Ianto from this universe. That's right, there's another me. I stay at his flat when I'm not at the Hub. It's like we're twins, almost. New New Jack knows how to tell us apart, but he likes teasing Other Ianto because he hopes to get all three of us into bed at some point.
Yes, before you ask, I slept with him, too. New New Jack. Other Ianto isn't interested. (Or, rather, he wasn't interested, but is quickly becoming interested. In New New Jack, at any rate.) Is it weird to think about having sex with a copy of yourself? I know you'd do it, if given the opportunity. I don't know why I'm even hesitating.
No, that's wrong. I know why.
I'm slowly losing myself. I don't know what to do, half the time. Sure, I can help out at the Hub, and coordinate missions, and make coffee and shag New New Jack, but what's my life really about? It used to be about you and getting home to you. That's still the goal, but I forget who you are, sometimes. I have to re-read my diary and letters to you. I have to remind myself that you're not Bitter Jack, or Future Jack, or Game Station Jack.
I'm starting to hate myself for what I've done. For sleeping with all of the Jacks I run into. For pretending that they're you whenever I'm in bed with one of them. I know they're not you, but in the middle of sex, I forget. I want to forget.
I don't expect that you've waited for me, not for three years. I don't expect you to take me back. I'm not sure you'd even want to. I'm soiled goods, now. Wasn't part of my appeal my naiveté? How new I was to being with a man?
Well, all that's out the window. I've got nothing left to offer you.
Please give me another chance. I know it's probably useless to ask at this point, but I need you. I want you. I want to take care of you, like I used to do, and I want you to be there, to hold me at night, to help me through the nightmares, to reassure me that I'm not a total asshole for doing what I've done.
I miss you so fucking much it hurts, Jack.
I'm sorry I'm being so maudlin today. I'm just feeling the heartache right now.
Maybe it's time for those stupid pills again. I haven't taken them in a while, and I thought I was doing ok. I guess I'm not. But you're really the only person I can tell about how bad I feel. Other Ianto is trying to help, since he knows me (himself) pretty well, but he can't quite wrap his head around what it's like having sex with a man, let alone falling in love with one. New New Jack is still so new to me, I feel like I can barely tell him anything. Sure, he's as good in bed as any of the others, but there's not much of an emotional connection between us. But it hasn't even been a month, yet, so I guess I can't expect much.
Sometimes, I'll be lying in his bed, with his mouth on my cock, and I close my eyes and see you. I know it's you because you're giving me that little smile I like. You know the one. It's like you have a secret, and the secret is that you're so happy to be with me you don't have words to tell me, but I don't need them, because I know. And it's you I'm thinking of, it's your name I say when I come, but he thinks it's him, and I don't have the heart to tell him otherwise.
Three years feels like a very long time to be away from you right now. I hope New New Jack's Doctor shows up soon to try to help me get back home. I'm falling apart without you.
I'm sorry this is such a depressing letter.
I'll write you again when I'm feeling better.
I love you,
Ianto
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When Jack returned to the control room, having decided he couldn't read any more letters for a while after reading Ianto's confession that he wasn't handling things as well as he thought he should, the two Doctors smiled at him and then each other and pointed at a spot on the floor.
"Stand there," the meta-crisis Doctor said.
"He'll be able to see me?" Jack asked.
"See you and hear you," the Doctor said. "And, better yet, you'll be able to see and hear him, too!"
"We'll — we'll be able to talk to each other?" Jack breathed, awed by the technology that would let him have a conversation between universes. "I didn't know you could do that."
"I did it to talk to Rose," the meta-crisis Doctor said. "I burned up a star to be able to say goodbye."
"That was me, you know," the Doctor pointed out, annoyed.
"You burned up a star?" Jack asked, horrified. "What about the planets around it? What about the people —"
"Relax, I did some research first. It turns out that particular star disappeared mysteriously and rather suddenly, with no explanation."
"So you created one," Jack said.
"Yep."
"And there's another one," the meta-crisis Doctor said. "We just found it. So we'll be all set. And if the me over there knows this, then he might find the counterpart in his universe and do the same thing. That way, with two TARDISes and two stars to burn, you'll be able to have a much longer conversation."
Jack smiled in relief. "Thank you!" He ran over and hugged first one Doctor, then the other. "Thank you!"
"Don't thank us yet," the Doctor muttered. "We haven't made the connection."
"But you will," Jack declared.
"Yes, he will," Jackie said, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at the Doctors. "Or he'll have me to answer to."
"Ready?" the meta-crisis Doctor asked.
"Um, Jack, you might want to fix your hair," Rose said with a giggle. Absently, Jack patted it back into place, Rose walking over to help him, producing a comb from her pocket. Jackie joined them and started fussing over his coat and clothes, muttering under her breath that if he was going to send a hologram of himself across the Void to his boyfriend, he needed to look respectable. It took fifteen minutes until the women decided he was finally ready, Rose having found a wet handkerchief to wipe away the tear tracks on his cheeks, even as Jack protested that he didn't care what he looked like as long as Ianto got to see him. The Doctor wondered snidely to the meta-crisis Doctor where the vain, poster-child Jack disappeared to, at which point Jackie and Rose hit him over the head simultaneously for his insensitivity.
The meta-crisis Doctor brought Jack a chair, and explained how he could start and stop the transmission with his vortex manipulator. The Doctor tried to explain how the transmission would work, but everyone got lost within a few sentences. Then Rose herded everyone else out of the console room to give Jack privacy. He pressed the appropriate button, activating the call.