Previously on Pirates In Love...

Morgan - "I won't pursue you… You deserve better."

Alex - What does he mean, I deserve better...

He took his hand away and walked back to the cabin. Just like that, the moment was gone. I tucked his coat tighter around me, very confused. He used to look at me like I was just another conquest, but he was different now. And even though what he said sounded like a rejection, it felt like a confession.

A confession of what?

The next day, Christopher asked me to help him in the sick bay. He had restocked on his herbs and ointments in Hoenn, and even bought some new ones, and now he wanted to organize them. The table was littered with pouches of herbs and bottles of oils, ointments, and disinfectants. There were piles of twine and small slips of parchment. It smelt even more fragrant than usual. Christopher bundled up some dark green stalks that smelt like musty hay and tied some twine around it. I placed my finger over the knot while he tied a bow to fasten it.

Alex - "Um, am I really helping? I feel like I'm just poking things…"
Christopher - "Sure you are! I can't do that on my own, and you're fingers are so tiny it makes it easier."

I puffed out my cheeks. Everyone always talking 'bout how small I am, and in the way. If I'm so tiny, how can I be in the way so much. Don't they know girls are just tinier? Have they been around each other too long that they forgot what girls look like… I grumbled on in my head for a bit. I hadn't slept much the night before and was in a terrible mood.

Alex - "What is this herb? It smells awful."
Christopher - "It's barberry. I steeped it in hot water and gave it to you when you were seasick."
Alex - "Oh! It didn't taste nearly as bad as it smells…"

Christopher laughed.

Alex - "And this?" I pointed at one of the bottles left unlabelled.
Christopher - "That's elderberry extract. It helps with pain and inflammation, and helps you heal from the common cold faster. Actually, could you write that down on this and tie it to the neck of the bottle?"

I wrote down 'elderberry extract' on a small piece of parchment, weaved some string through it and tied it to the bottle. I continued to ask questions about the different herbs and medicines he had. He told me about how to treat different wounds and poisons with them. I asked him how he could stitch someone up without throwing up. He laughed and said it came with the territory, he was used to it. He asked how my leg was doing. I said it was painful whenever I ran. He asked if he could look at it.

He placed his hand on my thigh and started feeling around, poking and prodding here and there, asking if there was any pain. I said no. I was feeling rather shy with his hand so far up my leg. I hoped he wouldn't notice my flushed face.

Christopher - "Oh, do you have a fever?" He placed a hand on my forehead.
Alex - "No fever! This is just a little awkward."
Christopher - "How so?"
Alex - "Well, you're - you're hand and - I'm a woman and - you're a man."
Christopher - "I need to feel your injury to know what's going on."
Alex - "It's not just that!"
Christopher - "Alex, you know I'd never try anything with you. You're… too young for me anyway."

Nathan walked into the sick bay just then.

Alex - "I'm not a kid!"
Christopher smiled. "That's not what I meant. You've proven to all of us that you're a seductive woman."
I blushed even more. "What?"
Nathan - "... Yo Doc. No hittin' on Alex."
Doc - "Hm? I wasn't hitting on her." He honestly looked like he didn't know what he was doing. What an airhead...
Nathan just shook his head. "Ya wanted ta take these stitches out?"
Christopher - "Yes. Have a seat."

What does he mean? He didn't seem to want to talk about it, so I didn't push it any further. Also, Nathan was right there. I don't know what anyone means on this ship! I was exasperated.

Nathan sat on the cot and removed his shirt. The sheets had been cleaned, but they were stained with blood, Nathan's blood. I didn't like seeing him here again with that huge wound on his back. I got a pang in my chest whenever I saw it. Seeing members of the crew getting hurt made me feel guilty. If they didn't have someone to protect, and waste energy on, they'd be better off... Christopher moved away and started gathering some tools. I stared at his back, frowning.

Christopher - "I don't think it's anything to worry about. Might just be that you're still healing. Just take it easy, okay?"
Alex - "Okay…"
Christopher - "I need to take the stitches out of Nathan's wound. Do you want to stay and be my assistant?"
Alex - "Assistant? Um, okay."

Christopher handed Nathan a mug of booze. Aside from knocking him unconscious, it was the only anaesthetic on board. Christopher told me to unwrap his bandages and wash his wound while he set up. As I was rubbing the sponge on Nathan's back, I noticed he had many scars. I had never really seen any of the guys up close and shirtless, so I wondered if they all had scars like this. It would make sense, them being pirates and all. I thought about what the stories behind them could be. I traced a few of them on his back. Nathan shivered and turned his head to look at me. I immediately stopped and looked down, embarrassed that I was staring at and touching him. I completely focused on washing his wound. He turned back.

Christopher replaced me behind Nathan. He took a scalpel and cut the string along the wound. I handed him a pair of tweezers and a bowl. He began to carefully take out each strand of string. I poured Nathan another cup of booze. I got a few cloths and a bowl of water at Christopher's request and began wiping Nathan's back again. The little holes the string left behind were trickling thin lines of blood down his back. His large wound looked like it had closed up quite well. He was about halfway done when Eduardo popped his head into the room.

Eduardo - "Christopher, Captain wants to see you."
Christopher - "Can it wait?"
Eduardo - "He says it's urgent."
Christopher sighed. "Alex, can you finish up for me?"
Alex - "What? Me?"
Christopher - "You just take out the rest of the stitches, apply some of this ointment, then bandage it up. Same way I showed you how to bandage your leg a while back."
Alex - "Are you sure? I'm not a doctor…"
Christopher - "You'd make a fine nurse, though. Don't worry, I'll check on it after."

He left. I stood still for a moment, in shock. I gathered my wits about me and sat behind Nathan. We were both silent while I worked. I kept having to brush my hair back. I was keeping it in a braid these days, but I had too many wisps that would blow about and tangle on the windy ship. It was frustrating.

Alex - "Ugh, stupid hair!"
Nathan - "What's that?"
Alex - "Nothing. Just my hair getting in my way…"

Nathan turned around and took his bandana off his head. He brushed my hair back and put it on my head, leaning forward to tie it at the back. His chest was right in front of my face. It too, had many scars. I tried to look somewhere else.

Nathan - "Better?"
Alex - "Uh, yeah… thank you."

He turned around again and I continued my work. I double checked to make sure all the string was out. Dabbing a ball of cloth into the ointment, I gently patted it onto his wound. He flinched every now and then. Must be the same one Russell drowned my leg in. I finished by placing a long strip of gauze on the wound, then wrapping him up. I kept having to reach my arms around him to keep rolling the bandage. It was like I was frequently and awkwardly hugging him from behind. I usually liked the silence with Nathan, but this time it made me uneasy.

Alex - "Phew! All done."
Nathan put his shirt back on. I cleaned up a bit and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I touched the bandana on my head, adjusting it a bit.
Alex - "It looks like the one I have back at home!"
Nathan - "..." Nathan just stared at me.
Alex - "I mean, it's black instead of white, and a bit bigger, but when I'd bake I'd wear a baker's cap like this. It kinda feels the same."

I untied it and handed it back to Nathan. He didn't take it back.

Nathan - "Keep it."
Alex - "Really? Are you sure?"
Nathan - "I have lots… n' it looks good on ya."
Alex - "Oh, thank you!" I smiled.

He blushed, mumbled "yer welcome" then left. I felt a little better. I folded the bandana so it wouldn't cover so much of my forehead. Nathan had a big head. And the bandana smelt like him. It was nice… What am I thinking? I wrapped it around my head and tied it tight. Looking in the mirror, I admired it on me. It made me feel like I was at home, and it also made me look more like a pirate. I was very happy with it.

Thomas and I were pulling up the sails one day. We had to stop and drop anchor since a recent storm blew us off course. Eduardo and Captain were in the navigation room trying to figure out our location, but they wouldn't know for sure until nightfall and the stars came out, so we were anchored overnight.

The storm had been a mighty one. I swear it made the ship roll completely sideways. The rumbling of thunder and cracks of lightning were so much louder out here than on land. Everything inside the ship shook as if an earthquake was constantly passing through and lingering far too long. The crew handled the storm with ease, it was nothing new to them. Still, I worried about them. Somehow, through this unwanted captivity, they had become dear to me.

I had hid in Christopher's room since he wouldn't let me out on deck. I spent the night in his bed feeling nauseous again. Just when I thought the seasickness would never come back. I was in such a daze the whole time, I only vaguely remembered him stroking my hair back from my sweaty forehead, piling blankets on me, and leaving me herbal drinks. He was always extra concerned when I got sick. I realized that I had never really thanked him for taking care of me. He was the resident doctor, so I just got used to it. I made a mental note to show him my appreciation next time.

I was feeling boisterous as I always did after being sick. But since we were stalled, there was nothing to do on the ship. I walked around the hold looking at what was in storage. I ended up finding some capris and old shirts. I wore the capris since they fit, but the shirts were too big. I kept them anyway. Maybe I can sew something nice out of them. It was nice to wear longer pants. I would get cold at night in shorts. I went up to the deck. The ship had never been so still on open waters before. I got bored and started throwing some pebbles I found into the water, aiming at imaginary targets. Thomas came over with a couple of batons in his hand.

Thomas - "Wanna play a game?"
Alex - "What kind of game?"
Thomas - "It's called 'hide and hit'! Christopher said I should play it with you, it'll help you if we ever get attacked again, so you don't get hurt like last time."
Alex - "Hide and hit? What do you do?"
Thomas - "I'll close my eyes and count to ten. You go hide. I have to look for you, and when I find you, I get two chances to hit you." He waved the batons. "Christopher thinks it'll help you get familiar with the ship and its hiding places."
Alex - "You have to hit me with those? And I don't want to hide, I want to help!"
Thomas looked sad. "He just wants you to be safe… since you can't fight like we can."
I sighed. "Alright, fine."
Thomas smiled. "It'll be fun! I used to play it with the crew when I first joined. They always cheated though and would throw all kinds of stuff at me. Russell once threw a barrel and I fell overboard."
I laughed. "Alright, let's play! No barrels."
Thomas - "Agreed!"

Thomas started counting to ten and I ran below deck. I didn't think he'd check the ship's hold, plus there were a lot of nooks and crannies in there. Piles of crates and barrels were near the back and coils of rope wrapped around the pillars between the cannons. Most of the centre of the hull was clear since it's where the cannons were. I sequestered myself between some barrels and waited. A few minutes later, I heard a sound above my head. I looked up in time to see Thomas bonk me on the head with a baton.

Alex - "Ow!"
Thomas - "Oh, sorry Miss Alex!"
Alex - "That was fast…"
Thomas - "You made it too easy, Miss Alex. The point of the game is to run from me. If you hide in a spot like this and an enemy finds you, you can't escape."
Alex - "Oh, I see. Let's try again!"
Thomas - "Okay!"

This time I hid under the stairs. When I could see his feet coming down the stairs, I became so nervous. My heart was in my throat. What if he turns around, he'll definitely see me. He continued some ways into the hull, and once his back was turned I made my escape. I tiptoed up the stairs to find a new hiding place on the deck. I had this fear of being hunted, but it was also a wonderful rush of excitement I'd never felt before.

After a few more trial runs, I was getting the hang of it. I even won a game, which was totally by accident because I tripped and fell and his second baton flew over my head. We switched roles every now and then. It was hard to begin with, but I was having fun with it soon. My leg hurt less and less the more we played. I found that I had pretty good aim whenever I was 'the finder'. One of the times as 'the hider' I had climbed on top of one of the smaller masts and waited, hoping he wouldn't notice. He came closer and closer. I tightened my bandana. Once he was close enough, I jumped down on top of him, yelling like an ape. I had landed a bit too hard and he ended up a little knocked out with swirls in his eyes.

Alex - "Oh, no, Thomas, are you okay? I didn't think I'd hurt you!"

I leaned over him, patting his cheek, trying to wake him up. He came to and went red in the face.

Thomas - "Ah, Miss Alex!"
I smiled at him from above him. He sat up swiftly and hit my head. We both said "ow!" at the same time.
Alex - "Damn, I guess you win."
Thomas - "Huh?"
Alex - "You hit me!" I pointed to my head. We both laughed.

Our game was interrupted when the sun started to set and it was getting too dark to play anymore. The Captain announced that tonight we would party, because why not? There was literally nothing else to do on the ship. I was all sweaty from playing the game, so I took a bath before joining the crew on deck.

Everyone was drunk by the time I finished bathing. Their loud voices echoed back to them on the silent ocean. The sky was clouded over tonight, so Eduardo was waiting for it to clear before taking a shot at navigation. I didn't know how well he could navigate when drunk seeing as the stars would probably be spinning for him, but the Captain was drunk all the time and he seemed to do okay. Maybe it's a pirate's secret. I certainly didn't think I could function when drunk. I was in the same boat as Thomas. Pun intended.

Morgan poured me a pint of beer, even though I refused. I took it anyway just so no one would complain about not having a drink in my hand. I didn't much care for the crew when they got this drunk. They'd always somehow get to poking fun at my womanhood. It was funny, but mostly left me uncomfortable. I looked around the ship and my eyes fell on the crow's nest high up in the sky. The tallest point of the ship. I've never been up there before… and the ship is hardly swaying. I'd always been afraid to go up because of the wind and the rolling of the ship, but there was barely any of that now. I snuck away from the festivities. Holding the mug of booze between my teeth, I climbed up the main mast. It took quite long to get up to the top and took a lot of willpower not to look down.

Up here there was a strong breeze, and the bobbing of the ship was more apparent from so high up. The view was very different. Even though it was dark, I could see beams of moonlight slipping through the cloudy sky, piercing the water and revealing foamy waves. I felt like I could almost touch the clouds above me and everything below was so tiny, so insignificant. I couldn't see anything except for darkness, maybe some faint outlines of the horizon or land, but I could have very well imagined those. It was a vast emptiness that felt like it went on forever, like I was at the centre of an ever expanding universe. I suddenly felt very lonely. I started humming a song to myself, rubbing my thumb on my mug. Singing it softly, I thought about how I was trapped on a ship with strangers and whether I'd ever get home…

~
So you can keep me, inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

Lovin' can hurt
Lovin' can hurt, sometimes…
~

Russell - "What're ya caterwaulin' 'bout up here?"
Alex - "Jesus fucking Christ!"

Russell popped his head into the crow's nest and put his mug down on the floor. He pulled himself the rest of the way up.

Alex - "You scared me!"
Russell - "Ya better be scared, it's dangerous here."
Alex - "How?"
Russell - "Ya could fall off. Long drop to the ground where you'll go splat."
Alex - "There's a railing, I'm fine."
Russell - "Shouldn't stand so close to the edge…"

He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me towards him, stumbling a bit. He was quite tipsy. He wouldn't let go and just held me against him. I grabbed onto his arm to steady both of us.

Alex - "You shouldn't be up here! You're drunk, you're more likely to fall over the edge."
Russell - "Cha, I'mma veteran. This is my post, I'mma seasoned lookout for the bein' said -" He let go of me. I turned around to face him. "Yer not allowed up here unless I'm up here."
Alex - "Geez, fine…"

I crossed my arms and looked away from him, out to sea. How come he always shows up whenever I'm alone and near the edges of things? I'm trying to be nice, but he's so callous... Russell leaned his back against the railing, propping his elbows up. He was looking out into the night as well. He looked peaceful for once.

Russell - "What ya doin' up 'ere anyway? Singin' like a banshee?"
I frowned. "I just wanted to be alone…"

I did want to be alone, but I was also in need of some comfort, like when Charlie would wrap me in a blanket and hold me when I had one of my nightmares. But there's no way I'd get that on this boat, so I opted for isolation. Maybe Christopher would do that for me, but that wouldn't make me look like an adult as I claimed to be. And I certainly wasn't going to ask Russell. Singing was the only comfort I had right now, but this idiot didn't want to hear it…

Russell - "... What were ya singin'?"
Alex - "Hm? Oh, I heard Mildred sing it once, and I asked her to teach it to me. She would always sing it when she was sad…"
Russell - "That why yer singin' it?"
Alex - "Huh?"
Russell - "Are ya singin' it cuz yer sad?"
Alex - "No!... I just…"

Russell looked at me fondly, but I didn't see it. I was too busy looking down at the deck avoiding eye contact.

Russell - "... Keep singin'."
Alex - "What? Why? Didn't you say I sound like a banshee?"
Russell - "I like banshees... I mean, ya sounded nice. Ya can keep singin', I don' mind."

I hesitated. I hadn't sang one on one in front of a man in a while, and the last time I did it was to entice him to pay me more. I didn't have that motive this time, though. I could sing for myself. I could sing from my heart. I picked up where I left off.

~
Lovin' can hurt
Lovin' can hurt, sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
It can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

Oh you can fit me, inside the necklace you got when you were 16
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me, that's ok, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go
Wait for me to come home…
~

It was silent for a while after I finished singing. All I could hear was the soft swish of the water, the quiet din of the crew's voices below. The rest of the world felt so far away from up here. Russell had turned to lean forward on his elbows. He was staring straight ahead, not even blinking, completely calm. I wondered what he could be thinking, since he usually spoke his mind, or rather shouted it.

Russell - "Heh, I guess ya sound better than a banshee."
Alex - "Hey!"
Russell - "I said ya sound better!"
Alex - "Still, not much of a compliment…"
Russell - "I've had enough up 'ere, I'm startin' ta sober up. Come on, ya go down first."
Alex - "Why do I have to leave? I don't want to drink."
Russell - "Ya don' remember what I just said? Ya can't be here if I'm not."

I grumbled and sat on the edge of the opening to the crow's nest. Before I could lower myself down the ladder, Russell put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him, his face directly over mine.

Russell - "Alex…"

He grimaced a little, like he was struggling to say something.

Russell - "Next time… I'll be the one to protect ya, got it?"
Alex - "Huh?"
Russell - "I'll protect ya, yer less than useless if ya get hurt."
There it is again, I'm useless!
Alex - "I won't get hurt!"

Russell grabbed my shoulders roughly and shook me. "Ya will if ya keep doin' dumb stuff like last time! Just leave the fightin' ta me!"

He stared at me intently, brows furrowed. My eyes widened with fear and surprise. He was acting so… passionate. His face moved closer. I could feel my heart quickening. My body tensed up, I was paralyzed. He had me locked in his gaze. He pressed his forehead against mine.

What is he gonna do?

Lyrics from Photograph by Ed Sheeran, based off of acoustic version by Karizma Duo.