"Dad, I swear. I'm fine." I plead with him to believe me and leave me in peace.
Part of me was thankful to be released from the hospital and part of me liked the idea of being able to tell the nurses who could and couldn't visit me. My dad had been over protective since he arrived at St. Thomas last night. Tara and I had to lie to him to get him out so that the doctor could check me over.
"I know you are sweetie, I just wanna make sure you have everything you need. I want you to take a few days off." I roll my eyes at him and head for the bathroom.
"I'm taking a shower." I call behind me. "Just lock the door when you leave."
The rush of hot water over my body instantly relaxes me. I stand there, unable and unwilling to move, just soaking up the steam and warmth. My hands rest on my stomach and I'm overcome with the same uncertainty as this morning. The doctor estimates I'm almost two months along. I had originally panicked at the time line considering how much I drank at my birthday party. Dr. Johnston reassured me that I should be just fine but it was that time that I realized keeping and raising this baby was a real possibility.
After my shower, I dig out a pair of sweatpants and a baggy SAMCRO t-shirt. I stare at my bed and the sudden need to talk to someone urges me toward my phone. I dial the familiar number and wait.
"I need a huge favor." I tell Kozik when he finally answers. "I need to go see Jaxson but no one can know and I need a ride."
"Anything else?" He laughs a little at my demands.
"Please Koz. Just sneak away, come get me and take me to see him, you can go see one of the other guys." I turn my requests into pleading.
"Yeah, ok but Filip's lookin for you. He heard about your hospital stay last night." He lowers his voice. I figure he's somewhere close by.
"I'll be waiting. Thank you." I hang up and throw my shoes on. Jaxson will have a field day with my choice of outfit but only until I tell him why I'm there. My next call is to Tara.
"You ok Bree?"
"Yeah, I just wanted to make sure I'm good to go see Jaxson today. I didn't want to take your only one this week." I explain.
"I have two left for the week so take today and I'll go on Thursday." She understands that I need to talk to him.
"Thank you, for everything Tara." I hang up just as Kozik pulls in.
I peek through the curtain to make sure he's alone before I rush out to him. He helps me get on the bike and we head out toward Stockton.
"I'm sorry; I can't believe that's how you're dressed to come see him." Kozik laughs at me as we're waiting to be called in.
"Don't judge Kozik, I was in the hospital for the last 24hrs. I don't need your shit." I flip him off.
He's the only one not treating me like some weak child. He's continuing our usual caddy banter and I'm thankful. We don't talk about why I was in the hospital or what's wrong with me. Instead, he gave me a run-down of what I missed at the garage. He is smart enough to leave out any mention of Filip or Fiona.
When we finally get inside, it's only a moment's wait before Jaxson comes out. He smiles until he sees my outfit. His face immediately contorts into confusion.
"What's going on?" He asks as he pulls me into a hug.
I don't answer, instead just burying my face in his shoulder as the tears start automatically. The guard calls for us to split it up and we sit down at the table. Bobby and Kozik sit a short distance away watching as I wipe the tears from my face.
"I need your help Jaxson." I confess, trying not to break down again.
"I see that." He raises his eyebrow, expecting me to finish.
I give him a rundown of what's happened since my birthday, including our recent discovery. When I finish, I can't even look him in the eye.
"You need to tell him, let him be a man." He's obviously pissed off. "And I want to see him next week."
"I can't tell him right now, I need to figure this out. I don't know what to do." I put my head in my hands and lean over the table a little.
"You want this baby?" He asks; he's the only one who has.
"I do Jaxson. I just don't know if I can."
"Why? Afraid you'll be alone?" I can't even answer; instead nodding at him.
"Not gonna happen. You got me and your brother. The whole club will stand by you." He grabs my hand and holds it in both of his. "You'd be a good mom."
I laugh at that idea and wipe away the last of my tears. We spend the rest of our visit talking about our family. I tell him my concerns that Opie may shut down again.
"I'm happy for him." Jaxson tells me. "I know she's not Donna but Lyla is a good girl."
"Yeah she is. It's still hard." I give him a half-smile. He just nods in agreement. The guard comes over and tells us our time is up. I groan as I stand up and give my brother another hug.
"I love you Bree. I will no matter what you decide." He reminds me.
"Don't tell anyone. You, Tara and Opie are the only ones that know." I know he understands.
We turn away from each other and I repeat in my mind that we're over half way done with this shit.
"No more of this chick shit." Kozik complains, stretching out in the chair next to my couch. He is resigned to being my partner in laziness.
I've been off work for a couple of weeks now and haven't decided when I want to go back. I know each time I see Filip; there will be that queasy feeling. My brother, Tara and dad have been checking in on me but most of the time, Kozik is here. From what he tells me, there's been a lot of tension between Filip, Opie and my dad. My personal life is having an unintentional effect on the club. On top of all of the stress, I'm exhausted. Naps are a regular part of my day. That coupled with the nausea and crazy emotions keeps my brother and dad away.
"Then pick a damn movie." I tell him on my way to the bathroom.
Kozik spent the first few days begging me to talk to Filip. Gemma on the other hand kept telling me that I was doing the right thing and I needed to move on. Neither of them knew about the little complication I was dealing with. I still wasn't able to sleep without constant nightmares.
Last night, Kozik had fallen asleep on the couch and was woken up in the middle of the night to my terrified screams. He actually climbed into bed next to me and pulled me into him. Nothing happened but when I woke up next to him the next day, I was overcome with guilt. He understood my freak out and brought back breakfast.
When I get back, there's a soft knock at the door. He sighs and pushes himself off the chair to answer it. I flop back to the couch, letting him take care of it. Tara steps in and Kozik walks out to give us some time to talk.
"How are you feeling today?" She asks, sitting down in the chair Kozik abandoned.
"Tired and I still get sick every so often but that's about it." I pull my blanket up to my chin. "I made a choice." She sits forward, waiting for me to continue. "I'm keeping the baby."
"I kinda knew you would. You know what you have to do now?" Her eyebrow rises as she studies my facial expression that twists into pained disgust.
"I know, I know. I'll tell him, ok?" I try to compromise.
"Eventually you're not gonna be able to hide it; unless you start telling everyone it's Herman's." She grimaces at the last part. "Everyone notices how often he's here you know?"
"I can't necessarily get rid of him. He just keeps showing up." I argue.
"Cuz you really try to get rid of him?" She teases.
"I didn't, it's nice to have someone around that doesn't treat me like I'm losing my mind. You two are the only one's not treating me like I'm insane." I look down at my hands and fight back the over emotional display threatening the moment. My hormones were going to be the end of me.
"You're not insane." She comforts me. "Here I brought you these in case you made up your mind." She reaches into her purse and hands me a small bottle of pills. "Pre-natal vitamins. One a day."
I reach over and hug her tight. The days of our heated arguments were gone and I enjoyed our newly rediscovered friendship. She's stood by my side no matter how stubborn I was being. On top of that, we had a shared discomfort around Gemma, each for our own unspoken reasons.
"By the way, I mentioned to Filip that he needs to see Jaxson this week." Tara says.
"Thank you. I didn't want to talk to him. I know Kozik said something to him about it too." I hate when his name comes up even casually; let alone to speak to him.
"I have to get to Gemma's, get the boys. You going back to work soon?" She smoothly changes the subject.
"I think on Monday, take the weekend off." I'm still not sure I can do it but I plan on trying.
She leaves and Kozik comes back in with a smile on his face. He pops in a DVD and falls back to the chair next to me.
"Finally a movie that's not all lovey dovey." He rubs his hands together.
"Hey, Dazed and Confused is not a chick flick. Neither is Empire Records." I try to defend my movies. I also made him watch Sweet Home Alabama but he made the excuse to go get food when I started crying.
"This one's better." He smiles as the movie starts. He actually picked one of my favorites but I don't let on at first. It's not until I'm quoting lines along with Norman Reedus that he realizes I've seen the movie before.
"This is one of my favorites." I admit sheepishly. "Boondock Saints is my go to hot guy movie."
"It's ruined for me now." He looks at me with faux disgust.
"I'm gonna go lay down anyway. You sticking around?" I ask, pulling myself off the couch.
"Yeah, I'll be here. Don't worry, I'll keep it down." He moves to the couch and stretches out, watching the action on the screen. I make my way back to my room and crawl up into my bed. For the first time in weeks, I fall asleep without crying.