Same Ianto, Different Jack
Chapter 37
by Gracefultree
A/N: Here we are with the latest chapter. I have two more planned, along with an epilogue. Warnings for mentioned of suicide.
Enjoy, and please review if you like it.
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Jack didn't return to the Hub, nor did he answer his mobile when Ianto called. He didn't answer for Gwen or Esther or Rex, either, and he wasn't back at their flat. Ianto finally gave in and used his vortex manipulator to search, only it didn't seem like Jack was anywhere. He wasn't even on the planet! Gwen informed him when he told her that Jack did this kind of thing every so often. Disappeared. He always came back, usually within a few days, since he could take longer when he was gone and use his vortex manipulator to time travel back.
Ianto was at a loss. How could he help fix Jack if the man wasn't around?
In the end, Ianto decided to go on with his usual business. Jack would return, and he'd deal with the fallout. It was interesting to see the new Torchwood without Jack. Some of the urgency was gone, people were more relaxed, but the staff also had less fun, joking and laughing less often. Jack was known to appreciate a good joke, innuendo, or prank, as long as it was done without malice, otherwise he'd come down harshly on whoever played it. Everything was different when Rex was in the room. Rex seemed to put a damper on the mood of any room he walked into. Ianto spent one afternoon following the man on CCTV throughout the base, trying to understand.
Rex was a stickler for order, for following orders, and for efficiency. The opposite of Jack. He reprimanded the Field Teams for spending their down time playing cards or watching TV, telling them that they should be practicing in the firing range or working out to build muscle and skills with hand-to-hand combat. Bruce, and the other Field Team leader, a woman named Johnson that Jack had recruited from MI5, listened to Rex's orders and followed them for a little while before giving their teams a rest. Bruce told Ianto that this was how they always did it, and that Rex was aware, but Jack's orders trumped Rex's, no matter where they were, unless it was a Code Black situation. And Jack had said that the field teams didn't have to spend all of their time practicing.
Rex was disdainful of the Research and Technology Teams, and looked on their efforts as not worthy of his attention, unless it was about building a new weapon. He liked the Medical Team, since they patched up his soldiers, but he had very little use for Minnie and her Archivists. (Minnie confided that he took six months to learn her name, when she first arrived, and that he still couldn't tell the twins apart who were among her assistants.) Rex seemed to like Esther, though he hated her boyfriend. And he despised Ianto.
Ianto wasn't in the mood to find out why. It would all come out sooner or later.
Four days after the incident in the warehouse, Ianto stumbled home at half-seven to find Jack in their flat, cooking what looked to be a traditional roast dinner as if he hadn't been gone. He was even humming.
"How long has it been for you? How many deaths? And how many of them were self-inflicted?" Ianto demanded as he leaned against the door frame, not in the mood to beat around the bush. He wanted information, and he intended to get it. Jack whirled away from the stove, startled, pulling headphones from his ears. Ianto could hear the faint sounds of Moonlight Serenade, one of Jack's all-time favorite songs and one that he listened to when he was either very upset or very happy. From the look pinched look around his eyes and the slight deadness in his eyes themselves, he guessed Jack was in a very bad mood and trying to hide it.
"Ianto," he said, stepping forward.
Ianto crossed his arms over his chest. "How long has it been for you? How many deaths? And how many of them were self-inflicted?" he repeated in a firm voice.
"Now, you see—"
"Jack, tell me or I walk back out the door," Ianto growled.
Jack hung his head and sighed. "Six weeks, forty-seven, and all but two," he answered in a small voice, looking away from Ianto. His shoulders slumped with shame.
"Do you feel better?"
Jack frowned. He turned back to the stove. "Not really."
Ianto uncrossed his arms and walked up to Jack, putting his arms around him and hugging him from behind. "I love you, Jack. I'm not angry or upset for what you did. I knew what I was getting when I went to be with you when you came back. I knew the risks."
"I know," Jack whispered. "I know that, but I still did it. I still hurt you." He choked on his next breath. "I love you, Ianto. I love you, and yet I hurt you. How am I supposed to get over that?"
"You get over it by not running away. You get over it by talking to me. By loving me. By seeing how much I love you. By seeing that I don't blame you."
"I just couldn't face you," Jack said, gripping Ianto's forearm that held his chest. He flipped off the hob under the sauce with his other hand so it wouldn't burn. "I couldn't — I couldn't bear to look at you like that, bleeding because of me."
Ianto started kissing Jack behind the ear. He kissed his neck.
"I could've killed you," Jack moaned in a broken voice. "I only just got you back and I could have killed you."
"But you didn't," Ianto responded, walking them backwards a few steps. He shifted a hand to Jack's hip and guided them both to the floor, Jack sitting in his lap, still faced away from Ianto. "You barely hurt me at all."
"I can't stand it, Ianto! Why can't I get better?"
"This was the first time you've died since I got back," Ianto reminded him. "And I think you're doing better already." He pulled Jack's shirts free of his trousers and slipped a hand underneath them to caress his chest. His other arm remained around Jack, holding them close together. "It could have been a lot worse. You had guns on you. You had a knife. All you did was hit me." He continued the kisses along Jack's neck. "You had some restraint. You stopped. In the past you haven't."
"I broke your nose! I gave you a black eye!"
"Both of which were healed by the time I got to Medical," Ianto said.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Mike was fascinated. He almost didn't believe that anything had happened, except the x-ray showed a recent break. It's gone now, by the way. As if it never happened."
"How long has it been for you?" Jack asked, leaning back against Ianto, the first sign of relaxation since Ianto got home.
"Four days." Ianto let go of Jack's chest and undid his belt. Jack sighed, relaxing further. "I was worried." Ianto slipped both hands into Jack's trousers, a softly hissed 'yes' Jack's only response.
"You were?" Jack asked quietly. "You were worried?"
"Of course!" Ianto found Jack's cock and started stroking it, bringing it from flaccid to mostly erect with just a few practiced motions. "I worried about how guilty you were feeling. I worried you wouldn't come back."
"I told you I came back for you when I got back from that first trip with the Doctor. I will always come back for you! How many times do we have to go over that?"
"Jack —"
"No, I waited over eight years for you! I did everything I could to bring you back! There's no way I'm going to abandon you! Just because I ran away for a little while doesn't mean I was going to stay gone." He fell silent. "We have a long time together, but I'll keep going. I'll always keep going. I'm not going to waste what time we have," he said so quietly Ianto almost missed it.
"Doesn't mean I didn't worry about it," Ianto said softly in Jack's ear. He stepped up his motions. "Doesn't mean I missed you any less."
"You missed me?"
Ianto bit Jack's neck, hard.
"Ouch!"
"That's for not believing in me," Ianto told him. He ran a thumb over the head of Jack's cock. He didn't get the usual sharply indrawn breath. Or the moan. "And you're taking an awfully long time to get into this," he added.
"You just bit me," Jack protested.
"You don't usually mind," Ianto said. "What's really going on?"
Jack closed his eyes for a moment, leaning farther back against Ianto, letting the feeling of Ianto's hands on his cock soothe him. He gave a sad sigh. "I don't deserve to feel good after what I did to you," he murmured.
"I think that's exactly why you need it. Me making you feel good tells you I'm not upset. Did you expect me to hurt you for it? A punch for a punch? Come on, Jack. That's not me."
"No, I guess not."
"Let me help, Jack. I promised I would. You wouldn't want me to break that promise, would you?"
"Maybe I'm just not in the mood for this," Jack grumbled. He took one of Ianto's wrists and pulled his hand away from his softening cock. Ianto obediently moved his other hand away. Jack fixed his trousers and pulled Ianto's arms around him again. "Maybe you can just hold me?"
"I can do that," Ianto said. "I'm sorry."
Jack snorted. "First time I've refused sex. You had no way to expect it."
"Still, I shouldn't have assumed…"
"I don't like myself right now," Jack declared. "I don't like who I've been, what I've had to do."
"So you need to wallow in it for a while? Is that what you're telling me?" Ianto wondered.
"No, I tried that for the last six weeks and it didn't help."
"Do you know what you need?"
"No."
They sat in silence for five minutes until a timer went off. They both looked up.
"Go, finish cooking. I'll set the table. Then we can watch some mindless telly and go to bed," Ianto suggested. "We don't have to figure you out all in one day."
"I don't deserve you, Ianto Jones," Jack said, tilting his head back for a kiss. "But I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're back."
"Me, too," Ianto said, hugging Jack tightly before patting his back and helping him to his feet so he could turn off the timer and finish dinner. "I'm glad you came back so quickly."