Same Ianto, Different Jack
Chapter 42
by Gracefultree
.
.
.
Ianto missed the Rift alert notification because he decided to sleep in for the first time in over a fortnight, thinking that since Jack had 'fired' him, he deserved a little extra sleep. Because he ate a leisurely breakfast and read the newspaper rather than logging into the Torchwood system before taking a long hot shower, he missed Lois's email asking him to join the field ops team, since Jack would be accompanying them deal with seemingly hostile aliens. The call from Bruce came as he was pulling on his jeans, and he answered distractedly.
"Where the fuck are you?" Bruce demanded without preamble, cursing, his usual style when in the field. Ianto had long since gotten used to it and stopped taking offense. "Jack's in a sorry state and we expected you an hour ago!"
"What happened? I haven't logged on yet." Ianto put his mobile on speaker and grabbed a shirt.
"Both his legs are crushed under a wall the blasted things knocked over onto him. He got Marcus out of the way, but he's looking at a death to get through this."
"Shit! Why didn't you call before?" Ianto scrambled into his shoes and socks, grabbing his coat and keys.
"Lois said she contacted you. He's —"
In the background he heard Jack swearing up a storm. "Bruce, get off the bloody phone this instant and get me out of here!" Before Bruce or Ianto could respond, Jack continued. "And if that's Ianto, tell him to stay the fuck away from me!"
Ianto froze, his free hand on the doorknob. "What did he say?"
"I'll call you back," Bruce barked, hanging up.
Ianto frowned. He went to the office and logged on to the network, opening the communication channels so he could listen in. The aliens had been dealt with and their bodies were being transferred to the Hub for Medical to examine. It was a race no one had seen before, and from the pictures, Ianto didn't think he knew of them, either.
Jack, it seemed, had decided against his usual response of a bullet to the brain to deal with his injuries and was demanding painkillers. Mike and his assistant Reggie were onsite, arguing with him about it. He burned through pain meds far too quickly for it to be safe, they said, because of the evolutionary advances in 3000 years. They'd have to give him huge doses, far more frequently than either of them would like. Jack responded by saying that he was turning a new leaf and wouldn't take the easy way out by dying, so they better give him the medicine and amputate his legs so they could grow back cleanly. Ianto felt his gorge rising.
Amputate both his legs? How long would it take for them to grow back? How much pain would he be in? Why would he choose that over a quick death and recovery?
And why wouldn't he let Ianto be with him?
.
.
.
"He said they'd grow back at the same rate, whether he died or not," Gwen said when she stopped by the flat a few hours later to pick up the lamb stew Ianto made for Jack because he needed to do something. "He didn't want another death. Said he wouldn't risk it."
"Wouldn't risk me, is more like it," Ianto muttered darkly. "He didn't hurt me at all last time! He wouldn't this time, either. I know it."
"Well, he's not willing to do it. Mike has him doped up pretty good. You should see how much morphine he goes through!"
"I've seen it with other Jacks. Why don't they just knock him out, keep him under? Amputations in the field must not have been easy."
"Oh, they brought him back to the Hub for that. As best as they could. He refuses for them to put him under. He passed out for a little while when they pulled him from under the wall, and again during the actual amputations, but he won't stay asleep. It's like he's forcing himself to stay awake."
Ianto grunted. "Bloody fool. You'll make sure he eats some of this?"
"Of course. He loves your lamb stew." Gwen sighed. "He's being rather ridiculous, isn't he?"
"I wish he'd let me go to him."
"I know, love, but he's not ready. He feels betrayed."
"I understand. Believe me, I understand," Ianto said. "I just thought he'd let it go when he was hurt."
"He will," Gwen reassured him. "He just needs some time. He said he still loves you, right? That's something."
"After a fashion," Ianto said with a sad sigh.
.
.
.
"Thanks for the stew," Jack said that night over the phone when he called Ianto. His voice was decidedly pinched with pain. "You didn't have to do that."
"You're welcome. Would you like me to come by?" Ianto asked.
"I'm still too angry," Jack answered. He hung up.
.
.
.
Ianto arrived thirty minutes early for dinner at his sister's. She took one look at his expression, and the absence of Jack next to him, and pulled him into a hug.
"What's he done this time, then?" she asked, pouring him a glass of wine in the kitchen.
"It wasn't him. It was me," Ianto admitted. "He's not talking to me, and he hasn't been home in five days."
"It's not like you to upset him like that," she said. "It must have been something big."
"I found out he's been going off on his own and getting himself killed on solo missions. That means he hasn't been letting me be near him, which he'd agreed to. I confronted him, told him it was unacceptable. He's got to get over his issues! I killed him when he was sleeping so he'd come back and realize that he wouldn't hurt me. So that he'd know he could have me near so he could start getting better."
"You killed him in his sleep?" Rhiannon repeated.
"Yes."
"You killed him, in his sleep?"
"Yes," Ianto snapped, knowing he sounded exasperated.
"You're an idiot! How could you think that would be a good idea? That's one of the worst betrayals of trust ever, short of leaving him!"
"Rhi —"
"No, I don't believe you! Why would you do it like that? A bullet to the head's more humane. At least that way he'd see it coming!"
"Rhi—"
"Do you have any idea what he went through, waiting for you?" she demanded angrily, getting to her feet. "Do you —"
"He told me," Ianto snarled. "His nightmares wake me up all the time! I see it in his eyes when he comes back. I see it in his body when we're alone and he thinks I'm not watching. Why do you think I did it that way? I didn't want him to know it was coming so he wouldn't run from it! He's scared he'll hurt me when he comes back —"
"As he should be!" she shouted. "I saw it once, you know. Never told you that, it was so horrible. I saw him kill that Rex fellow when he came back, once. Gave me nightmares for weeks, it did. No wonder he doesn't want you anywhere near."
"Rhi, he's been going out on his own and getting himself killed. Then coming home to me for sex. But he didn't tell me that's what was going on, and those were the only time we'd be together. Like he was using me as a security blanket afterwards, or something. It made me sick when I found out."
"It's normal for a couple's sex life to —"
"Not for us," Ianto interrupted.
Rhiannon took a deep breath and looked like she was ready to protest. The front door slammed, indicating that the kids had arrived. Johnny came home five minutes later and they started dinner, Ianto giving the excuse that Jack was working and couldn't get away. None of the others thought anything of it, since it had happened multiple times before. Ianto found that he wasn't as participatory in the conversations as usual, mulling over what his sister said about Jack and trust.
The enthusiastic ringing of the doorbell followed by the front door opening and closing twenty minutes later startled Ianto and Rhiannon, though Johnny shrugged and the kids looked excited. Jack breezed into the room, all smiles and hugs and a humorous story about why he arrived so late. He edged a chair in between Ianto and Mica and accepted the place setting his niece hurried to get for him. He leaned over and kissed Ianto on the mouth. The kiss tasted of scotch and sorrow.
Jack kept up his happy chatter throughout the meal, and at one point Ianto and Rhiannon shared a look across the table to ask each other if he was trying too hard. By the end of dinner, Johnny had keyed in on the strained nature of Ianto and Jack's interactions, though the kids were more self-absorbed and didn't notice. They were teenagers, after all.
Ianto's car waited alone out front when they left, Jack taking his hand as he always did. At the car, Jack silently opened the passenger door for Ianto.
"I want my vortex manipulator back," Jack said when they were halfway to their flat, the first words he'd spoken since they left Rhiannon's house. Ianto sighed at the predictability.
"Will you promise not to go off-planet or out of time?"
Jack pressed his lips together in a thin line, his expression sour. "I can't do that," he finally said.
"Then the answer's no."
"Why?"
"Because you've proven you can't be trusted with it. Look what you were doing! Do you have any idea how worried I'd be if you could flit away?"
"I'd come back," Jack protested. "I always come back." He reached over and squeezed Ianto's leg. "I'd come back for you."
"I'm more worried about what you'd get up to when you're gone," Ianto said.
It was Jack's turn to sigh. He removed his hand from Ianto's thigh. They drove the rest of the way in silence.
Ianto didn't expect Jack to come upstairs with him, so he was pleasantly surprised when Jack joined him on the lift. Once in the flat, Jack surprised him again, taking Ianto's coat to hang it up for him, as well as taking care of his own coat and shoes. Ianto poured them drinks.
"You hurt me," Jack said, falling into a seat next to Ianto, sloshing their drinks in Ianto's hands.
"I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again," Ianto answered. "I know now that I should've asked to do it that way. It was a breach of trust, and I'm truly sorry."
"Why did you think that was a better way?"
"I thought it would be easier if you didn't see it coming. It wouldn't hurt as much, coming back. No headache from a bullet, no pain from poison. I could be with you, skin to skin, when you came back, help you get over it faster." He paused, then continued when it didn't seem like Jack would say anything else. "You kept refusing to let me help you."
"I accepted the bullet," Jack whispered. "I was ready for you to do it like that, ready to trust you."
"The only time I'd shoot you like that is if you were in so much pain you needed to come back to get over it," Ianto declared. "Or an emergency when we needed you at full strength immediately. I couldn't look you in the eyes and shoot you for no reason."
"There was a reason. You were trying to help me."
"It wasn't enough of a reason. Do you have any idea how long I'd have nightmares about it? I still dream of Lisa, sometimes."
Jack nodded, swishing the liquid in his glass. "I'm sorry, too," he said after a minute. "I shouldn't have done what I did. I should've told you. Trusted you more." He closed his eyes and downed the scotch. "You were right, after all. I didn't hurt you."
"And you won't the next time, either."
"I'm beginning to believe you."
Ianto set down his glass and reached over to stroke the side of Jack's face lightly. "Come to bed?" he suggested. Jack leaned into the touch, but didn't answer. "We don't have to do anything," Ianto continued. "Just hold each other. Just sleep."
Jack's eyes shot open and he pulled away. "I don't trust you enough yet for that," he said, standing. Ianto got to his feet and followed Jack to the front hall, watched him put on his shoes and coat. "Come back to work on Monday," Jack said. "I shouldn't have done that, either."
Ianto stepped up to Jack and rested both hands on Jack's hips. "I'm sorry. I hope you'll trust me again."
Jack put his arms around Ianto and kissed him. "I'm getting there. I never meant for you to feel like a whore," he added in an undertone. "I really didn't. I just — I still don't think I deserve to feel as good as you make me feel when we're together. I'm too much of a monster to deserve that."
"You're not a monster!" Ianto protested. "You're a kind man who's had a fucked up life, and you deserve as much pleasure as you want just because of the good things you've done. Don't deny us both that connection because you feel bad."
Jack leaned his forehead on Ianto's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ianto. I just can't right now. Go out if you need it so much. I won't hold you to monogamy when I can't give you what you need."
Ianto snorted in disbelief. "Sex isn't the point, and you know it," he said, tilting Jack's head up. "I'm not giving up on us because we're going through a rocky patch. Don't you give up on us, either." He kissed Jack this time, a soft, gentle kiss that morphed into passionate and needy. He hadn't intended it to go there, not with what they were talking about, but Jack's responses brought them there rather quickly.
Jack pulled away. He stared at Ianto, breathless. "You, um, you —" He dove in for another kiss. Ianto reciprocated, and soon Jack was propelling him through the flat towards the bedroom. "Goddess, I missed this," Jack moaned, tugging Ianto's belt free from his jeans. They kissed, fondling each other, stroking skin and licking trails up and down each other's bodies until Ianto found himself on his back, completely naked, with Jack on top of him, sucking him off. Jack remained mostly dressed, but Ianto put it down to one of Jack's whims. Ianto's orgasm snuck up on him, startling him with its intensity. Jack hummed appreciatively and swallowed.
Ianto lay back and watched Jack undress, feeling himself harden again in anticipation. God, Jack was beautiful. He glanced over at Ianto and winked, sending another rush of blood to his cock. Jack climbed back onto the bed, settling himself between Ianto's legs. He accepted the bottle of lube Ianto offered and had Ianto writhing and begging within minutes. He eased inside. Ianto cursed, pulled him closer.
"More," he demanded.
Jack chuckled and shifted position slightly, pushing deeper inside. "Like that?"
"Yes!"
Ianto felt dazed and relaxed, still coming down from his second orgasm when he felt Jack's fingers working at the buckle of his vortex manipulator. Before Jack could get the device, Ianto jerked his hips quickly, using his legs for power, and threw Jack off him.
"Bastard," he snarled.
Jack, who hadn't expected the move and lay in a heap on the floor when Ianto tossed him, scowled. "If you'd give me my own back, I wouldn't have to —"
"Get out," Ianto ordered. He rolled away from Jack, curling his arm with the vortex manipulator against his body to protect it. "Don't come back until you're ready to be with me without an ulterior motive."
"Ianto —"
"Get out," Ianto repeated. He squeezed his eyes shut, determined not to cry until Jack left the flat. He heard Jack's resigned sigh, then the sounds of him getting dressed.
"I'm sorry," Jack whispered as he left the room. "I've never stopped loving you."
"And I haven't stopped loving you, either," Ianto said into his pillow after he head the front door close behind Jack.
He got up, showered, and dressed in jeans, something telling him it would be good to be clothed. The Rift had been relatively quiet since he and Jack had their fight, and he had long since suspected that Jack's moods influenced it, given Jack's relationship with the time vortex. Now that he and Jack had made up, made love, and fought again, he had a feeling that it would be a busy week, Rift-wise.
He logged on to the servers, working for a while, before sleep started seeming like a necessity. The last think he did before logging off was send a quick email to Jack. He wanted him to know that he hadn't abandoned him, hadn't left him, though he'd kicked him out of their bed this time. He hoped it would be enough.
"I love you, Jack. We'll get through this. —I"
The message that came back immediately told him that Jack was just as worried, and hopeful, as he was.
"I know we will. I love you, too. I'll see you on Monday. —J"
.
.
.