3 Days Later
"You guys have fun!" I lift Thomas into the air and give him a kiss. "You deserve it." Tara smiles weakly.
I swallow my fear. Losing my family is getting old. Filip pushed me to make things right with Tara and I did without argument. The idea of her leaving still tears me apart. I turn away so she doesn't read the pain in my face.
"Jax decided to come with us last night." She almost sings. "Make it a family trip."
"Good." I smile over my shoulder. "Is he staying up there the whole week?"
"Nah, just a day or two." She keeps her reassuring tone that I didn't buy. I am losing my sister again.
"Check in when you get there." I kiss Thomas one last time before handing him over. "I gotta get to work." Abel wraps his arms around my leg. I lean down to give him a hug.
"Yikes, Gemma's gonna be a peach with us leaving." She laughs. "Kids with Neeta?"
"Uh, no. Actually they're with Precious for a few days." The heat rushed to my face. I had started having panic attacks, leaving me with unsteady hands and low patience. The overwhelming fear of not being able to protect my babies kept me awake at night.
"You're not sleeping." She slips into doctor mode, finally taking in my ratty appearance. "What's going on?"
"Nothing." I plaster on my fake smile. "I gotta get outta here before Gemma's blowing up my phone."
"Bree. . ." The pity in her eyes is too much. I grab my bag from the counter and push out the door.
"You guys have a great time. Call me." I call over my shoulder, not giving her the opportunity to argue.
"We gotta get to St. Thomas." Gemma rushes into the office, grabbing her keys from the hook.
Instinctively I race after her, jumping into the car as she pulls out. My heart races and my breath catches in my throat, almost choking me. My vivid nightmares replay in a psychotic loop in my head. "What's going on?" I finally manage to get the words out. I close my eyes, waiting for the terrifying words I expected.
"It's Tara." Gemma doesn't say anymore as she races through town, paying little regard to stop signs and speed limits.
The world faded away as memories wash over me. My mind flashes to the night Donna died. I absentmindedly bite the side of my thumb, staring out the window as the town flew by outside. Gemma barely parks the car before I jump out, rushing through the doors. Jax meets me in the waiting room.
"What the fuck?" I search his face. "Is she ok?"
"They're doing x-rays, it doesn't look good." He runs his hand over his head. "Her hand is crushed."
Filip comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. "Calm down baby."
I spin in his arms, burying my face in his chest. I struggle to catch my breath as he leads me to a chair.
He drops down in front of me, gripping my hands. "You're ok."
I take a deep breath. "I thought. . ."
He kisses me, comforting me as much as he can. "I know. I'm here."
The guys mumble to each other before they come over to drag Filip away. Gemma settles in to wait and I can't stand the stuffiness. I am itching to get out of there.
"Rat, take me home." I stand in front of him. He glances at Gemma for approval. She nods, not asking questions. I don't say a word all the way home.
My skin crawls as time passes. Filip checks in with me regularly, unable to hide his annoying concern. The thoughts running through my head sound paranoid aloud. I swallow them, biting back my anger. My walls go up and all I can do is hope Filip buys every lie that drops from my lips.
Eventually Jax shows up on my doorstep, his face a picture of gut-wrenching guilt. He steps in without a word.
"I didn't know where else to go." He mumbles. "I'm just . . ."
"Lost?" I close the door silently. He nods, staring down at his shoes.
He sighs before launching into his story, giving me a play by play of every painful word that came out of Tara. He looks to me for sympathy and I can't fake it. She earned the right to her anger.
"What do you want me to say Jackson? All this is gonna be ok? We're gonna get our happily ever after?" I don't raise my voice. Instead my exhaustion comes through. I sink into the recliner, curling into a ball. "None of this stops until Clay's lost everything; until he has nothing."
"That's your grief." He starts and I sit up, leaning forward to make sure he understood exactly what I needed him to.
"You're doing this to save your family? Clay is a monster and he will drag us all down with him. I'm can't stand to get too close to my own fucking kids because of that fear. I don't sleep because as soon as my eyes close, I see us all, dead and bloody. No one is going to walk out of this alive and if you think a change in zip code is going to stop it, you're already gone." I stare at him, the sudden silence after my outburst unbearable. "You're just like him."
"That's what I'm afraid of." He hangs his head. Moments later his shoulders shake with body-wracking sobs. I watch him for a moment before climbing over the edge of my chair to the couch next to him. I wrap my arms around him. He grabs me close to him, clinging as he breaks down. "I'm sorry." He stutters.
"I know you are Jax." I press my cheek to his shoulder. "I know. You gotta make this right. Fix this."
"What do you want me to do Bree?" He looks up. "I can't stay. I'll lose my family."
"Me too." I pull away, jumping off the couch. "I lose my family either way." His face twists in confusion at my anger. "You should leave."
"Bree don't." He stands, reaching out for my arm.
"LEAVE!" I scream. He freezes, shocked at whatever he sees on my face. He steps around me and out the door without another word. I collapse into the armchair and let myself fall apart again.
I don't flinch when I hear the keys in the door. Filip appears in front of me, whatever happened today weighs on him. I panic at the ghostly color of his face. "What happened?" I manager to croak out, my throat raw.
"We hit the cartel today." He sits down on the footstool in front of me and leans forward. "It's Kozik, Bree." I stared at him, watching his lips form words that echoed in my head. Pain rips through my chest and I realize the horrid wail is coming from me.
"No!" I bury my face in my hands, tears long since gone. My body aches as it tenses. Filip picks me up and repositions us so I'm curled up on his lap. He strokes my hair, keeping his lips pressed to the side of my head as I plead for his words to be untrue.
My mind races with pictures of my friend, another person I've lost. Heat spreads through my chest as I sit there. When the sobbing stops, numbness rushes over me. Filip carries me down the hall, laying me on the bed. He sits next to me, running his hand up and down my leg. I watch him quietly.
"This is bad baby." He finally tells me. "It's effecting us all." He tells me about Juice's recent drama with a grimace. Filip sponsored the kid, felt like his big brother. This hit him hard. "Bobby's right. This shite ain't gonna end well."
"Maybe I should take the kids up to the cabin for the weekend." I pull him down to me. "Just go and hide out with my pop."
"That's probably a good idea. I gotta get back ta TM." He kisses me. I hold him against me; terrified to let him go. When the burn in my lungs is too much, I loosen my grip and fall against the pillow. "I love you baby."
"I love you." I give him a small smile.
He pushes himself off the bed before helping me up. I drag my feet behind him as he leads me outside. He opens the door to my car and kisses me again, pressing me up against the door. His hands grip my hips, pulling me against him with a groan.
"Come home tonight." I run my hand along his cheek. "Kids won't be home until tomorrow."
"I will." He promises before I close the door.
Filip doesn't return, sending Rat to sit watch over the house. I tell myself he has to do this to keep us safe and that he is going to come home to me. Sleep never comes as I stare at the ceiling in my darkened room. A slight breeze floats across the room from the open window.
Shadows play across the wall every time a car passes. The sad rhythm of the clock provides a psychotic soundtrack to a furious replay of every awful blow our family has suffered. The fantasy our parents fed us about this life and what it held for us lay shattered along the way.
My earlier argument with Jackson echoes in my head. Hatred boils over for SAMCRO and it is unfamiliar and terrifying. Tears that I thought were long gone prick at my eyes, threatening me. I lay there, paralyzed and full of rage.
Each time my eyes close, I'm hit with another horrifying image.
CLOSE
Kozik's grave.
CLOSE
Donna's dead body lying on the pavement.
CLOSE
Kenny & Ellie weeping at their mother's funeral.
CLOSE
Tara's tortured face as they took her to the OR.
CLOSE
My brother in handcuffs and hauled away.
CLOSE
The explosion that sent Filip's body flying through the air.
CLOSE
My own children covered in blood.
At the last image, I fly out of bed, fighting to catch my breath. Sweat breaks out along my forehead as my chest rips open. I fall to the bed, hanging my head between my knees as suck in the air, feeling the relief at the foreign feeling. My chest pulsed in a frantic rhythm as my heart took permanent residence in my throat.
"You ok Bree?" Rat calls through the door. I bite back the panic, struggling to get my voice under control.
"Just a bad dream." I squeak out. "I'm fine."
"Let me know if you need anything." He offers. "Chibs should be back in the morning."
The words bring slight comfort. "Yeah." I bite my lip. I reach for my phone on the bed.
Can you please come home?
I type the text out.
You ok?
He's quick to respond.
I need you.
I stare at the screen, waiting for a response. The words fade away and he doesn't answer. My restless legs twitch, aching to move. They shuffle across the carpet. I settle into a mindless pace along the bedroom, my imagination hitting overdrive again.
An hour later, I've given up on controlling my panic. Giving into the hollow feeling settled in my chest, I curl up under the blankets. Another light dances across my wall. As it grows, I hear the familiar roar of a bike and I shudder.
I jump out of bed, meeting Filip in the hall. He pushes me into the room and closes the door behind him. I collapse against him without a word and let his body provide the relief I've been begging for all night.
"What's going on baby?" My eyes close at the sound of his voice. My lungs finally relax, the air rushing to fill them.
For a moment I consider hiding from him, lying to him again. "I'm lost." I find myself echoing Jax's words. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."
"You don't have to be strong." He whispers, pressing a chaste kiss to my temple. "I'm here baby."
I let his lies comfort me, holding him against me. "I'm so sorry Filip. I hate this fear, I can't do this." I mutter into his chest. "Clay is going to kill us. I see him around every corner, in every bad dream. They all run together now."
Filip doesn't lie. No whispers of comforting words would be enough. Instead he climbs on the bed, pulling me with him. I curl up under his arm and press my cheek to his chest. The leather cut that I'd grown blind to makes my skin crawl.
"I don't want to lose you." I whisper. "I don't want to lose Micha and Ian."
"I know baby." His hand lazily wanders under my shirt, tracing light patterns along my skin. "I don't know how this got so bad." I prop myself up and look at him.
"Greed." I tell him. "Greed is how it got so fucking bad. Jax said it when he was locked up, 'Clay's greed is going to kill us all'."
"Yer right." He pulls me down on top of him, his hands working their magic over my back and arms. I melt, finally letting my exhaustion take over.