There was no doubt about it, Sebastian was distracted. And not the fleeting, harmless kind of distraction either, the kind that comes from the peripheral edges of one's consciousness. No, this was the bad sort of distraction; the deep, bone-shaking sort that arises when something is fundamentally wrong. It was an itch that he just couldn't scratch, right there, behind his eyes, deep in the recesses of his brain. Not a thought, but a feeling. A feeling that at any given moment, he should be doing something else.
And it all stemmed from His Royal Highness, Crown Prince Kurt Fucking Hummel.
Everything had been so much simpler before they had met Kurt, before Sebastian had decided to uproot his happy, content, uncomplicated life with Blaine to move to this city of hell, all in the name of career progression. A career, ironically, he couldn't even lose himself in because every time he tried that damn distraction reared its ugly head again. Just like it was now.
Sebastian scowled and dropped his quill on the desk in front of him with a sigh. This would all be so much easier if this feeling that was haunting him wasn't so infuriatingly vague. Sebastian had never been very good at sitting and waiting for things to happen. He was impulsive and brash, often to his detriment, but at least it meant that when something was wrong he went out of his way to fix it, no matter what. Except this time he couldn't, because he had no idea what his subconscious had gotten into such a state about. It was beyond exasperating.
It also didn't help that this was undoubtedly the longest Sebastian had ever gone without any kind of sexual expression since he had claimed Blaine three years earlier, and most likely long before that as well. Sebastian had never much been one for any form of self-denial, and he was sure the added pressure - literal as well as mental, his poor cock had never felt so neglected - was doing nothing to help keep him sane. He just knew that if he had Blaine here with him then things would be better. He could ground himself in his Dominance, lose himself in the easy simplicity of power exchange and sexual release.
But of course he couldn't even do that, because Blaine was with Kurt. On his knees in front of Kurt, pleasuring Kurt and drowning in the pleasure Kurt gave to him in return. And even as Sebastian thought back to the scene he had walked in on that morning, even as he closed his eyes and remembered, he couldn't properly enjoy the imagery of what he had witnessed - and it had been a beautiful scene to walk in on, there way no denying that - because even if he had wanted to consider himself being a part of it, his consciousness refused to even consider the how. They were a complete pair; Kurt and Blaine, Dominant and submissive, and as much as Sebastian hated to admit it they worked. And so where on earth would Sebastian fit, what would his role be? Kurt standing there so strong and confident, exuding Dominance from every pore. There couldn't possibly be another Dominant standing next to him, how would that dynamic even work? And yet the alternative, with Sebastian on his knees next to Blaine...Sebastian shook his head violently to rid himself of the mental image. No, there was no way Sebastian could be anything like Blaine at his most submissive, even if he wanted to be. Which obviously he didn't.
See, completely distracted.
He was brought out of his ever-descending spiral into despair by a soft knock at the door. Sebastian lifted his gaze in time to see it swing open just enough for Kurt to poke his head inside. Just his luck, Sebastian thought bitterly. Of course Kurt just had to turn up right when his emotions were threatening to get the better of him. It wasn't as if this was entirely his fault or anything, not at all.
"May I come in, Sebastian?" the prince asked.
Sebastian gave a grumpy huff, stretching back in his chair as he raised his head in challenge at the door. "Well, it's not like I have a say in the matter either way, is it?" he said bitterly.
Kurt didn't say anything, choosing instead to simply raise a disproving eyebrow in Sebastian's direction, and Sebastian immediately felt ashamed at his outburst. He wasn't some child throwing a temper tantrum, he could conduct himself better than this. With a dejected sigh Sebastian straightened up in his chair, nodding his head in deference towards Kurt as he busied his hands with arranging papers on the table in front of him. "My apologies, Your Royal Highness. Please, come in."
Kurt paused for a moment, his gaze piercing as he watched Sebastian fuss unnecessarily. Then with a curt nod he slipped into the room, walking over to sit down in the chair opposite Sebastian. "You know I'd rather you call me Kurt, right Sebastian?" he said simply, and Sebastian couldn't help bristling at the suggestion. How on earth was he expected to call the prince by his first name, like they were equals, friends, when the differences between them had never been more pronounced?
For a long while neither of them spoke. Kurt seemed content to simply sit and wait, his expression calm, controlled. Sebastian, on the other hand, was not nearly so patient. Once he had finished rearranging his desk to within an inch of its life he leaned back in his chair, arms crossed across his chest, his very being pulsing with nervous energy as the prince continued to wait as if he had all day.
Eventually Sebastian could bear it no longer. With an exaggerated huff he uncrossed his arms and sharply pushed away from the desk. "Well as fun as this has been, Your Royal Highness..." he began strongly, but quickly trailed off when Kurt tilted his head and fixed him with another one of those stares. Without even really meaning to Sebastian's jaw clamped shut, and he pulled his seat back underneath the table, eyes making sure they landed on anything except the prince.
"These past few weeks haven't exactly gone the way I imagined." When Kurt finally did start speaking it was so unexpected that Sebastian couldn't help whipping his head back to face him. The prince's expression was calm, a hint of a smile teasing at the corner of his mouth, inviting Sebastian to relax.
Sebastian gave a huff of dry laughter. "Well there's an understatement if I ever heard one." he said wryly, and again was startled by the soft chuckle of laughter that came from the prince in response. As much as he didn't want to, as much as he wanted to be moody and sullen in the prince's presence after everything he had put him through, he couldn't couldn't help but quirk a smile back, hating his treacherous gut for doing a little flip when Kurt's smile widened in response. It really had been far, far too long since he had last gotten any.
There was another long pause after that, but somehow this one seemed lighter, less tense. "Look, Sebastian, I think you and I both know that we need to talk," Kurt finally continued, and Sebastian gave a small sigh.
"And let me guess; it has to do with a certain submissive with devastatingly gorgeous eyes and an ass to kill for?" he said, trying to keep the mood light, stave off the inevitable where Kurt came down on him for whatever it was that he'd done wrong this time.
For the briefest of moments Kurt's expression contorted into something Sebastian couldn't quite read; eyes widening and mouth parting ever so slightly, as if Sebastian had said something to throw him off guard. Which was ridiculous, obviously, because of course Kurt was here to talk about Blaine. Right? Right. Sebastian's distracted brain was obviously just playing tricks on him, a theory confirmed when the next moment Kurt's expression settled once more, a smile twitching at his lips even if it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Blaine is an amazing submissive, Sebastian. It's my job, and moreover my honour, to make sure his needs are being met, in every aspect," Kurt began, his voice placating, like he was trying to prepare Sebastian for a big, devastating reveal. Sebastian hated it, the side-stepping around the subject. If Kurt had something to say he wished he would just get on and say it; all this preamble did was guarantee to get his hackles up, and nobody liked defensive Sebastian, least of all Sebastian.
"You might not see it, with your free-love approach to submission, but I am actually perfectly capable of meeting Blaine's needs," Sebastian snapped, suddenly bitter that Kurt was taking this approach when he had been denied the opportunity to even touch his submissive in over a week. He missed hearing Blaine moan, and beg, and plead. He missed the feeling of Blaine's lips on his cock, and the soft give of his skin underneath his fingertips. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the missing, and it made him angry. He could practically see it unfolding in-front of him, the way his temper started to creep away from him and take on a life of its own, until Sebastian could do no more than sit on the sideline and watch as the demons inside of him let loose. "I treat Blaine like a submissive would want to be treated, like a submissive should want to be treated-"
"We've been over this Sebastian," Kurt interrupted with a small sigh, his voice laced with disappointment, and Sebastian felt it trace nastily all the way up his spine. "I really thought we'd reached an understanding on this point."
"I know, I know, there are different scales of submission, we don't have go through all this again." Sebastian huffed, trying desperately to keep himself under control in the face of Kurt's disappointment (and why that was suddenly such a big deal to him he had no idea.) "But there are some fundamentals that just have to be followed. Rules and discipline and accountability to your Dominant-"
"Is that the way you would submit to someone, Sebastian?" Kurt's question was such an abrupt right-angle in the conversation that Sebastian could do nothing more than slam his mouth shut and stare wildly back at him. Kurt gave another one of his infuriating smiles, that hinted of knowing so much more than he was letting on, and leaned back in his chair with a satisfied sigh.
"Contrary to what you might have thought, I didn't actually come here to talk about Blaine's submission. Or at least not just about Blaine's submission." The way he was stressing certain words in the sentence, focusing on the idea of Blaine's submission in the particular, it was almost as if…
Sebastian spluttered angrily, pushing back against the desk as he forced his chair backwards, the heavy scrape of wood against concrete screeching all the way around the room as he hastily stood up in affront. "Now I know you're not suggesting what it sounds like you're suggesting, Your Royal Highness." He practically spat the title as he seethed at the prince, while Kurt simply sat in silence with that infuriatingly cocked eyebrow. When Kurt didn't seem inclined to clarify his absurd statement, Sebastian's tongue got the better of him once again. "I am not a submissive, and I have absolutely no intention of being yours, regardless of what some sub-clause in an archaic contract states. If this is some sort of punishment for my behavior-"
"Sebastian, of course I'm not trying to punish you, don't be ridiculous." Kurt's expression was amused as he tried to placate him, and Sebastian could feel the color rising high on his cheeks in embarrassment. He might disagree with Kurt on an almost daily basis, but as the days and weeks had progressed he had found more and more that, as much as he hated it, at a fundamental level he actually respected the prince. The very idea that he would stoop to exploiting a clause in a contract that would clearly make everyone unhappy just to prove a point... It was an artfully positioned punch to the gut that left Sebastian's insides reeling.
"You can have any submissive in this realm, you already have my submissive, must you really have me on my knees along with everyone else?" He wanted to sound righteously indignant, but instead a tremble crept into his voice, betraying his emotions. His traitorous cock, which had obviously been denied for far too long and had clearly lost all notion of what it should and should not be interested in, quivered expectantly at the idea. Just to add insult to injury.
"Do you honestly believe I would do that, Sebastian?" Kurt asked, suddenly serious. "Do you honestly believe I am the sort of person to exploit someone like that just because I can?" And no, in spite of everything Sebastian didn't believe that, he couldn't believe that of Kurt. Except the alternative, what Kurt might otherwise be suggesting if it wasn't that...
"No. No! I am political consort to the realm of Aldern, one of the most influential people in the whole country and one of the most sought-after advisors alive. How could I be anything other than a Dominant?" Sebastian waved his hands carelessly in front of him, stepping backwards and sending the chair skittering even further backwards with another unearthly screech that he barely heard above the blood pounding in his ears.
"Please, sit down, Sebastian." Kurt tried again, but Sebastian's hysteria had progressed beyond reason
"I brokered my first treaty at sixteen, I've increased the income of every holding I've ever worked for by at least double, double! I am a god-damn gift to the political field and you come in here and claim that I'm a submissive? Your highness this is ridiculous, it's beyond insulting, it's-"
"Sebastian, sit down." Sebastian's ass was back on the seat before he even had time to process the command. He blinked twice in quick succession, listening to the blood rush away from his ears and start to let the sounds of the outside world back in. And when it did it was a much quieter world than the one he had previously shut out. Something had shifted inside of Sebastian, and it took him a long breath to realize what. The uneasiness of before, the itch that he simply couldn't scratch, the distraction, it was as it had all fled his body right along with his anger. He tilted his head in confusion at Kurt, wondering vaguely what on earth had come over him, but even that was a faint, distant concern, hardly seeming of any great consequence. It suddenly seemed far more important to focus on the prince in front of him. The way his chest rose and fell along with his breathing; slow and steady and sure. The way his eyes glittered with a power that Sebastian had never quite noticed before. The hint of a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth, as if he just had confirmed to himself something he long since expected. It was the closest to peaceful that Sebastian could imagine, and it was utterly surreal.
"Are you quite finished?" Kurt said with an edge to his voice that made Sebastian shudder, mouth slammed obediently, treacherously shut as he nodded mutely back at the Prince. "That is undoubtedly an impressive list of achievements, Sebastian." Kurt said patiently, as if explaining something to a young child. "But tell me, what of it makes it fit only for a Dominant?"
Sebastian opened and closed his mouth three times in quick succession without managing to utter a single word. It had all made such sense when he had surrendered to his indignation, let the anger take over and drive his words. But now, when faced with Kurt's cool, rational composure, everything seemed a whole lot less certain. The words threatening to slip off his tongue - that they were Dominant roles, always had been, always would be - suddenly felt silly to his ears.
No, it was more than that; it was that I wasn't the answer that Kurt wanted to hear, wasn't the answer that Kurt wanted Sebastian to believe after their confrontation with Blaine the other day. All of a sudden it was incredibly important to Sebastian that Kurt knew he had taken that conversation on board, that Kurt knew that he was growing, maturing. Respect went both ways, it seemed.
So instead he furrowed his brow, and tried his damndest to actually think about what he was saying, for once. "Well...they're all positions of authority, power, control, aren't they? Submissive's don't want any of that, they want to give it all up, so why would they want a job that requires that of them?"
"Don't do that Sebastian, don't buy into all of that traditionalist propaganda." Kurt chided. "One of the reasons we have a designation ceremony is to celebrate the fact that our orientations aren't about what we do, it's about who we are. I'm willing to bet that Blaine has never once 'given up' anything to you. He wouldn't be the happy, healthy submissive I know and love if you had ever forced him to do that." He paused for a second, waiting for Sebastian to give a reluctant nod.
"Power comes in all form, and power in submission is transferring control to a Dominant under the assumption that they will treasure it like the gift that we both know is. How powerful do you think Blaine feels when he hands himself over to you, or me, knowing that it is our responsibility not break him? Submission is about knowing yourself, and knowing others well enough to hand yourself over to them. It's about being confident in yourself enough to know that sometimes it's okay to need other people, trusting others to know what you need better than you might youself. It's about understanding that when the world gets too big and too red there's someone there who can draw you back in, with nothing more than a simple command…" Kurt paused for half a heartbeat, lips quirking upwards almost to himself "...to sit." He nodded towards where Sebastian was sitting rigid in his chair, fingertips gripping the sides as if his life depended on it.
Sebastian's eyes slipped down to where Kurt was gazing, slowly relaxing his grip and watching as the flush of pink returned to his whitened knuckles. He had gotten lost in Kurt's words, swept up in the concepts and the feelings that had suddenly felt so right. Security, partnership, trust. All those emotions Kurt had described were things that Sebastian knew he valued, even if he had never said it in so many words. Perhaps this was why his new arrangement with Kurt had thrown him for quite so much of a loop; in this strange new world with it's strange new rules the carpet had well and truly been whipped out from underneath him, and he didn't think he had ever felt less secure in his life. To have more of those things could only be good for him, could only help ease the distractions that currently plagued him no end. Except for Kurt those feelings were tied inherently into submission, which was a strange, foreign concept for Sebastian. The suggestion that he might benefit from anything even vaguely tied into submission? It was ridiculous, to be sure, and yet...
...and yet somehow Kurt had managed to put into words the emotions that always seemed to bubble far too close to the surface for Sebastian. Those emotions that sometimes he managed to keep it in check, but sometimes he didn't. Those emotions that sometimes got too much, and then Sebastian was forced to wait and watch as his inner, self-destructive self raged. It was something Sebastian had learnt to deal with, on his own lest anyone think him weak. Yet now here Kurt was, telling him that it was okay to trust other people, to let them in, let them help. It was right there for the taking, and all of a sudden Sebastian wanted it, more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. Every atom of his being ached for Kurt, with his calm, powerful voice, to show him all the sensations he had been describing, to make him feel as happy and as content as he made it sound. And he could have it all, for the simple price of...
Slowly, bit by bit, Sebastian felt the pieces click into place, and when they did the already tenuous grasp he currently had on the situation completely disintegrated. This was no longer a conversation in the abstract, a subjective discussion of Dominance and submission. He needed what Kurt was offering, and what Kurt was offering sounded dangerously like submission. And if that was the case, well, then his entire life was ruined.
"Please…" Sebastian's voice cracked around the words, even as he knew how ridiculous his request was. "Please don't take Blaine away from me. I just...I just don't know what I'd do if I couldn't Dominate him." Stupid stupid stupid, of course Blaine was lost to him. If he was having these feelings, these urges, then of course he wasn't truly a Dominant. This was exactly what Kurt meant when he talked about Blaine's needs being met. He didn't deserve Blaine now.
"Oh Sebastian, of course I'm not going to take Blaine away from you." Kurt said softly, as if talking to a frightened deer, and Sebastian's head whipped up in shock. "I might not have seen it at first, but Blaine showed me the other day that you're good for him, in your own way. Besides, it's not my place to keep you away from Blaine; that's between you and him. You are his Dominant after all."
"...I'm what?" Sebastian asked slowly, his brain struggling to keep it's footing in this conversation that seemed to have no end to it's twists and turns. "But you just said-" the words fell from his lips stilted and uneven as his brain clicked and whirred, desperately waiting for everything to fall into place. And when it did confusion give way to anger, as smoothly as the tide rolling in. "Why, why would you do that? Why would you push me to think that I'm a submissive, make me think all those things about myself if you still believe that I'm a Dominant? Is this some sort of twisted mind game? Or a joke that I'm seriously not getting?"
"Have you ever heard of a switch?" Kurt asked placidly, immovable in the face of Sebastian's wrath, and Sebastian drew up short. Out went the tide, back came the confusion. His breathing felt heavy in his chest as he tried to dredge up the memory of what Kurt was talking about. The only switch he knew of was the thin, branchy kind. The kind that made a beautiful sound as it swished through the air to land on a submissive's behind, leaving bright red, spiderweb thin lines in its wake. It was testimony to just how much this conversation had gotten under his skin that Sebastian was able to simultaneously imagine himself as both the flogger and the floggee in that scenario, and the imagery sent his head spinning as he opened his mouth to reply to the prince.
"And here I was thinking that you came here to try and force some form of emotional breakthrough out of me. You could have simply told me you just wanted some tips on pain-play. Can't say I'm not relieved, Your Royal Highness." Sebastian said half-heartedly, desperately wanting to believe that this might really be all that this conversation was about while his subconscious mind scoffed at his naivety.
Kurt actually laughed at that, bright and honest. "Oh no, I didn't mean that sort of switch," he said, "Although I am certainly open to suggestions later." And that was just all kinds of unfair, Sebastian couldn't help thinking as his dick twitched entirely inappropriately, showing it's appreciation for the conversation even if Sebastian's rational brain had other ideas.
Sebastian was reasonably sure Kurt was about to elaborate, but instead he stood up and walked over to the bookshelf in the corner of the room. He traced his finger lazily along the line of neatly stacked books on the shelf at shoulder height, pausing to pluck out a thin tome before returning to the desk and placing it in front of Sebastian with a satisfying thump.
"I left this here about a week ago when the idea crossed my mind." Kurt explained as he tapped the cover, and Sebastian's eyes flicked down to read the title; 'The Dominant Submissive: The Art of Switching'. "I probably should have just come out and talked to you about this then, but I think I was hoping you'd notice it yourself, maybe take it upon yourself to do a little extra reading." Kurt paused to shrug his shoulders, throwing a wry smile as Sebastian as he did so. "I guess we both need a bit of a nudge sometimes."
Sebastian said nothing, his fingers reaching out to trace lightly over the faded gold text as if his body needed reassurance that it was actually real, actually there in front of him and ready for the taking. "How did you- What did you-" Sebastian had no idea what he was asking, what he was even feeling. All he knew was that something, deep inside of him, felt dangerously close to making sense.
"There's not a lot of literature out there," Kurt said, motioning towards the thinness of the book from cover to cover, "But it's very much a real thing, Sebastian I promise, and it's right there for the taking, if you want it." When it became apparent that Sebastian was beyond words Kurt smiled and stepped away from the desk. "I'll take my leave now, let you and that book get acquainted." He started to move towards the door, but paused as he reached the exit and turned once more back towards Sebastian, who was still fixated on the book in front of him, staring at it like it held the key to all life's mysteries. And for Sebastian, maybe it very well did. "You can have both, Sebastian, if you want it. But it's up to you to make the decision. No one else can make it for you, not even me."
And then he was gone, leaving Sebastian alone in his room that suddenly felt much too large and far, far too small. Sebastian could do no more than sit at his desk and stare down at the book in front of him. The small, inconspicuous thing that between its covers had the power to tear apart his carefully constructed life, break down his walls and destroy all his long-held beliefs of who he was and what he could be. This book could take him apart and leave him with nothing.
But then maybe, just maybe, Kurt and Blaine would be there to help put him back together again.
With a shaking, tentative hand Sebastian reached out, flipping open the front cover with the very tip of his index finger, before hurriedly pulling his hand back as if the book could bite it off. The words swam up off the page, surrounding him, overwhelming him and he couldn't, he just couldn't. With an angry huff he slammed the book closed again, pulling open the bottom drawer of his desk and dumping the thing unceremoniously inside before slamming it shut again. He paused for a moment, breathing heavily, and then leant down to lock the drawer, just for good measure.
Not yet, he wasn't ready. Not yet.