Caillou With Hair?

Mike: Kind of like a Rastafarian that is bald.

By Dave Maldonado

Once upon a time, well, not to long ago, Caillou was playing with a new girl in the neighborhood.

Crow: (sings)Who's that girl?

Servo: (sings) Who's that girl?

ALL: It's Jess!

However, the girl thought that Caillou looked odd without any hair." You're bald, Caillou!" "I'm not bald...! What's Bald?" Caillou replied."Yes you are, baldy! Bald means you ain't got no fucking hair!"

Mike: This is going to be a very story driven fanfic.

"I HAVE NO HAIR?!" Caillou whined like a little bitch.

Servo: Well, it's because he IS a little bitch.

Shortly after Caillou got home, his mother wondered why he was crying (and also humping his cat, Gilbert).

Crow: His dog, Porkchop, had died of neglect.

Mike: Hey, maybe, Caillou is the younger version of Doug. Both of them are bald and whiny.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" "Moooommyyyyy! I have no hair!""Dumb ass! Didn't you listen to the doctor? He told your stupid ass that you have a damn disease that won't let you grow any hair!

Servo: The doctor was extremely weird…talking to Caillou's stupid ass instead of his stupid face.

Now stop bothering me, and quit humping Gilbert!"

Crow: You're supposed to be humping me!

So Caillou stopped bellyaching and went outside.

Servo: …to bellyache.

Just outside the house, Caillou saw a sign that flew into the front yard.

Crow:…smashing him right in the face.

The sign had a picture of a man with long hair.

Mike: Metallica was going to play in his neighborhood the day after.

Caillou picked up the sign and tried to read it."Bdughfczx…augh…dakl…Man, I can't read it!"

Crow: Funnily enough, there were no words on the sign.

(Actually, the sign said, "This guy used Rogaine, the leading anti-baldness formula. Have you used Rogaine, yet?") Disappointed, Caillou went back into the house and asked his father to read him the Rogaine advertisement.

Servo: He should know, he uses it.

"Caillou, you illiterate, little S.O.B.! Why the hell do I have to read you this shit?"

Crow: EWWWWW! He's trying to get his father to read something that came out of the toilet.

"Uumm…um, my teacher wanted you to read it to me," Caillou lied. "Damn it, Caillou! You're four years old; you don't have a teacher! You were kicked out of preschool for ass-raping another boy…!

Servo: Oh my God! It IS a young version of Doug!

Fine, I'll read it to you!" Caillou's father took the paper and proceeded reading,

Mike: Bald people are morons.

"The sign is a Rogaine ad. It said that if you use Rogaine, then you'll have a head full of hair." "Daddy, I wanna try it, please!" "Fuck you! I ain't paying no $150 for some sorry ass hair formula!"

Crow: (as Caillou) I don't want ass hair, I want head hair!

"But Daddy! I need it! If you don't get it, I'll steal it!"

Mike: Steal what? The money or the formula?

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I WANT YOUR FAGGOT ASS TO GO OUTSIDE AND STOP BOTHERING ME!" Caillou's dad took a knife from the kitchen drawer and chased Caillou with it.

Servo: What kind of parent uses a knife against their child?!

Crow: Yeah! At least use the belt. Or the rolling pin. Or your fist. Or the gun you keep in your pocket. Or the baseball bat. Or…

Mike: And you wonder why I don't let you see the next door neighbor's kids.

"WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GO STICK A BOTTLE OF ROGAINE UP YOUR ASS!"

Mike: BUT I ALREADY HAVE A CAN OF RITALIN UP MY SCROTUM!

Then Caillou ran back outside the house to flee from his homicidal father.

Servo: …and to the man with the hockey face with the bloody knife.

Suddenly, he spotted Gilbert and realized that Gilbert had hair.

Crow: It was then Caillou realized that Gilbert was a Chichewa.

"Gilbert has hair! Ooooh! I want his hair!" Therefore, Caillou ran after Gilbert and caught him by the fur. Gilbert attempted to flee, which caused Caillou to place him in a stronger grip.

Mike: Crow, after we read this. I want you to call PETA.

"CAILLOU, LEAVE THAT DAMN CAT ALONE!" Caillou's father screamed out the window! Unfortunately for Caillou, Gilbert repeatedly clawed him in the face and jumped out of Caillou's arms.

Servo: Well…unfortunately for Caillou, good news for us.

Crow: Too bad he didn't get shot in the face…yet.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Mike: Why is this little kid turning into Lucille Ball?

Caillou was home from the hospital. (Caillou had stitches, antibiotic shots, a tetanus booster, and a bandage, due to his fiasco with Gilbert.)

Crow: Why didn't the hospital just let him die?

Mike: Because it was only a kitty scratch. It wasn't life threatening.

Crow: I'm going to ask again. WHY didn't the hospital just let him die?

Just after he had arrived home from the hospital, Caillou decided to pursue another method of possessing hair.

Servo: South of the equator.

Crow: He's probably bald down there too.

Being an idiot, Caillou decided to cut up his parents' new living room rug and glue a piece of it onto his head.

Mike: Calling Caillou an idiot is an understatement.

Servo: It's like saying W. Bush was a mediocre President.

Unfortunately, Caillou possessed a pair of scissors and a bottle of Elmer's Glue in his bedroom.

Crow: He's either going to get high or kill himself.

Then he walked upstairs into his room, grabbed his scissors and glue, and finally walked back downstairs into the living room. Caillou did what he thought was necessary;

Servo: Stab his chest?

he cut up the rug and glued a piece onto his head. Caillou was happy to possess "hair." "D'AAAH! What have you done to our beautiful, new rug? My god! You've just cut up the rug and glued it onto your stupid ass head?! What the fuck were you thinking?!"

Mike: It's understandable. He came back from the hospital all drugged up.

Crow: WHY DIDN'T THE HOSPITAL LET HIM DIE?!

Caillou's mother was furious that the new rug was now a pile of crap on top of Caillou's head.

Servo: Don't you mean, "The piece of the new rug is on top of the pile of crap's head?

"Get your ass into the tub and wash the rug off your head! Maybe, just maybe, I can put the rug back together."

Mike: If not, you could buy a new one.

Crow: I don't think she's smart enough. She told him to wash something in the tub instead of the sink.

Shortly after Caillou began his bath, he was still concerned about having hair. Caillou noticed that the bubbles might be used for making his hair;

Servo: He wasn't taking a bubble bath, however.

Mike: What do you-oh. Ew.

however, he didn't realize that the "bubble hair" is temporary. "Bubbles!

Crow: She's off fighting crime with her two sisters in the city of Townsville.

I can make 'bubble hair!'" Caillou screamed, ecstatically. Caillou washed off the patch of rug from his head and then smeared bubbles on top of his head. "Yea! I have hair!"

Servo: Too bad you can't go outside with it.

Caillou splashed around inside the tub until his father came into the bedroom and slapped him upside the head.

Mike: …for being his only son.

Crow: Or for existing.

"Shut up, Caillou! You'll wake up your sister, Rosie! By the way, that 'bubble hair' isn't real! Now finish your bath and go to bed."

Servo: Go to bed in the bathtub. Make sure the tub is full.

The next day, Caillou was at his grandma's house. (Caillou was at his grandma's house, because his parents and his sister, Rosie, were at the supermarket.)

Crow: Caillou got banned from the supermarket because he tried to rob the store.

Caillou's grandmother had a French poodle named Jacques, and she decided to let Caillou play with him. "Now, Caillou! You be nice to Jacques! He won't bite or anything, just as long as you don't agitate him. Promise?" "I promise I'll be nice to him, Grandma," Caillou replied. As Caillou's grandmother left,

Mike: …Jacques attacked him, ripping his face off.

Crow: Why?

Mike: Because it's Caillou.

Caillou acquired a notion where he can use the dog's fur as a toupee. Unfortunately, Caillou didn't have any scissors or glue like he did at home; nor did he have an electrical razor.

Servo: …to slit his wrists.

"I need hair! I have no scissors or glue…! Ooooh! I brought some bubble gum! Bubble gum is sticky; maybe I could stick bubble gum to the dog's fur and stick the fur to my head."

Mike: So much for keeping his promise.

Caillou popped an enormous wad of bubble gum into his mouth and chewed until the flavor was null. Then he spit the wad into his had and smeared it into Jacques' fur.

Crow: He spit the wad into his what?

Caillou tried to lift the fur off the dog's body, but the dog bit him and dashed away. However, Caillou was in hot pursuit of the dog until he tackled and captured the dog. Finally, Caillou stuck Jacques onto his head.

Mike: Ok. Servo, I want you to email this story to every animal rights group you can find.

"Great, merciful crap! How the hell did you get my dog to stick onto your head?! Jackass, I told you not to agitate Jacques!

Crow: But the group needed to for a stunt for their 4th movie.

First of all, I'll have to free him from your head. Then I'll inform your parents about the incident." Caillou's grandma took him by the wrist and escorted him into her house.

Servo: …where she beat him repeatedly.

There, she removed Jacques from Caillou's head by using peanut butter and then informed Caillou's parents about the incident. Consequently, Caillou was grounded for a month…without TV…video games…toys…or hair.

Mike: So, he did ever wash the peanut butter off of his head?

Servo: He probably thought it was good as hair.

A month later, Caillou was at his friend, Leo's house.

Crow: Caillou has friends?

Leo had shown Caillou a toupee that had belonged to Uncle Larry, a close, personal friend of Leo's family.

Servo: A VERY close and personal friend, if you know what I mean.

"Uncle Larry lost his hair a long time ago, so he decided to get a wig. But then his wig began to smell like shit,

Mike: Because the wig actually WAS shit.

so he decided to buy himself another wig."

Crow: …from Cher.

"Oooh! Hair! Can I have Uncle Larry's wig, since he has another wig?" "O.K. I suppose you can wear it! Man, I need to make the wig stick to your head. Oh, yeah! I've got it! There's a stapler on my dad's desk in the den! I can staple the wig to your head!"

Mike: As long as it kills him, I'll be fine.

Caillou brought the toupee as he and Leo walked into the den. "Here it is, Caillou! This is my dad's stapler; I'll staple the wig to your head. That way, you'll keep the wig on your head, forever."

Crow: It's not like I could wear it on my head like a normal person.

Leo grabbed the stapler, and Caillou placed the wig onto his head. Leo stapled the wig to Caillou's head, while forcing Caillou to withstand the pain.

Servo: …by kicking him between the legs.

"Ow, ow, OW! Leo that hurts!"

Servo: Yeah, well, reading THIS hurts us!

"Sorry, Caillou! Well, I'm finished…!Caillou, what's that red stuff coming from your head?"

Mike: The inside of the toupee was filled with strawberry jam and fruit punch.

Suddenly, Leo's father walked into the den and was appalled to see Caillou bleeding at the head.

Crow: I would have been happy to see him bleeding.

Leo's father called 9-1-1 and told the dispatchers that a toupee was stapled to Caillou's head. Eventually, the paramedics came to Caillou's aid and rushed him to the hospital.

Servo: They said eventually. That means AFTER the paramedics laughed at the phone call for 2 straight hours.

In turn, Caillou felt confused about the hair and didn't know what will happen to him when his parents were to find out about Uncle Larry's toupee.

Mike: Caillou's body was found in his bedroom two weeks after his hospital visit, with four bullet wounds in his chest. His parents were found guilty of the crime and were given the key to the city.

At the hospital, Caillou was recuperating from his head wounds while his parents and Rosie stood beside his bed, waiting for his wounds to heal.

Servo: …or kill him.

"Caillou, I've heard about the wig. Are you all right? That was a stupid thing that happened to you," said Caillou's mom.

Crow: She means him being born.

His dad said, "Damn it, Caillou! What stupid shit will happen to you next? First of all, you got Leo into trouble for that damn wig. Second, that wig wasn't yours in the first place. Ultimately, we will have to pay a big ass medical bill! You are an embarrassment to our family! I wish you'd die and rot in hell!"

Servo: The Quiad family say this to Randy every two weeks.

Rosie pointed to Caillou and yelled, "Dummy!"

Mike: That's a pretty bad insult…I mean, even dummies have a use in society.

Poor, pathetic Caillou had to listen to his parents lecture him about the fiasco. He cried, because he felt ashamed of being bald and having a series of hair-related catastrophes. "Well, good night, Caillou! We'll see you tomorrow," said Caillou's mom, as they left Caillou alone in the hospital.

Crow: They quickly packed up all of their belongings and moved to California, leaving their son with the huge medical bill.

Unfortunately, Caillou's life was boring the next day, so let's skip a week and end up at the day where Caillou and his family visited the circus. (Caillou had to wear a hat in order to conceal the stitches on his head.)

Servo: Caillou had a lobotomy?

At the circus, Caillou and his family saw clowns, elephants, lions,

Crow: And tigers and bears!

All: Oh my!

trapeze artists, and human cannonballs with his binoculars.

Mike: The circus took his binoculars?

"Wow! The animals have hair!" Caillou yelled.

Crow: Elephants have hair?

"Caillou, sit down!" his mother snapped. "But I need hair, Mommy!" Caillou walked out of his seat, then out of the audience, and towards the animals.

Servo: Security doesn't exist here.

As a gargantuan elephant attempted to step onto a giant ball, Caillou grabbed onto the elephant's tail. "Yea! Now, I have hair!"

Mike: He just went from Idiot Kid to Too Dumb To Live.

"What the hell is that idiot doing?" exclaimed the ringmaster. "Hey, asshole! Get the hell off that elephant, now!" "I can't! I need the hair from the elephant's tail!" "All right!" Then the ringmaster turned to the lion tamer and shouted, "Send out the lion!"

Servo: Take the hair from Simba!

"LION?! D'AAAAAAAAAH!" Caillou screamed, as the vicious lion was sent out by the lion tamer. Caillou died a slow, agonizing demise as the lion mauled him.

Crow: Ah, so Caillou was part of a Sigfield and Roy act.

In turn, the audience (and Caillou's family) applauded.

Mike: Like during that Sigfield and Roy act.

THE END

READER'S NOTE: KEEP CIRCULATING THE STORIES! EMAIL SOME TERRIBLE FANFIC STORIES OR…BAD STORIES IN GENERAL!