A few days after the boxing match, we had our re-scheduled munitions test.

After that boxing match against Josef, it didn't really seem like anything to compare to. I had practiced with a few dummy grenades in the rifle grounds and I was relatively confident in my ability; besides, I really just wanted to get the shit over with and get back home to finish a project that I'd been assigned on some current problems that were being faced by miners out in the Hinterland and how my leadership could be used to better their cause.

I sat on the bus that morning talking with Siegfried. We were lucky enough to not have to deal with protesters; it wasn't like they had stopped, but I guess they just didn't show up that early in the morning. We had been woken from bed around four and were on the buses and heading through the city by five.

The Capitol was a different beast during the morning, especially before everyone was awake. The sun still hadn't risen and the only light that existed were the lights from the skyscrapers, monuments and street poles. It wasn't exactly that pitch-black darkness you get on a new moon in the middle of the winter, but it still dark.

Seeing the normally crowded streets so deserted was strange; the only people who were out seemed to be shopkeepers and restaurateurs getting ready for the morning rushes. I watched as city workers and garbage collectors went around their business, 'their day' seemingly coming to a close as everyone else's day just began.

I remember that morning being unnervingly cold for May. I don't know why I payed attention to it in the beginning, but maybe it was a sign of what was to come.

We arrived at the Army base around seven in the morning, and it looked like even they had just risen from their slumber. I stepped off of the bus and stood there with Siegfried, watching the troops exercising across the yard as we shuffled around in groups waiting for someone to give us orders. About five minutes later, Siegfried seemed to rush forward to order all of us to get into proper formation.

I wasn't sure how he knew someone important was about to arrive, but he always seemed to know. I got into formation with the rest of the guys and watched as the officer, apparently a captain with combat service in the middle east, gave us a short inspection before ordering us forward and across the base to begin our training.

It took about fifteen minutes of jogging across the base to arrive to the large series of trenches that were dug into the ground and lined with wooden planks. We wandered through them, seemingly aimlessly, for a few minutes before arriving at a large dugout. On one side of the wall was nailed a warning about live ammunition being up and over the side of the trench. Under the box sat a large metal box clipped shut.

"Least we're finally getting this over with. I'm excited to not have to worry about it anymore." Siegfried said as he stood next to me. I jumped with surprise, not thinking he was so close to me.

"Come on now, nervous?" he laughed, play-punching me on the shoulder. I smirked, waving him off.

"Now Gentlemen" the Captain bellowed, "Today you'll be handling live ammunition."

He continued to speak as he opened the large metal box, revealing two long rows of grenades sitting side to side in shredded paper.

"I cannot begin to impress upon you the real dangers of these, but I know you all already know what they can do to people."

Our crowd remained silent.

"Now while I understand you all have had more than enough time to prepare for this, I'll be taking the liberty of showing you one last time before your exam the proper method of using this. Now pay fucking attention" he yelled.

The group crowded around him in a circle as he pulled one of the grenades from the box and held it up in the air for all of us to see. It wasn't one of those grenades you were used to seeing in videogames or on television, shaped like a large egg or piece of fruit. It was one of those old-shaped ones, with the long wooden handle that you had to chuck as hard as possible to get away from you. It sort of looked like a hammer.

I watched as he unscrewed the bottom and a short white cloth-looking thing fell out and hung below it.

"You grab this, pull it out, then fucking chuck the thing" the Captain yelled.

We all watched as he yanked the white piece of cloth out of the bottom and raised his arm, throwing the grenade as hard as he physically could. It flew out of the trench and landed far away as we all held our ears, some of the guys squatting. I could just barely see over the sandbags on the top of the trench, and I watched for the flash.

There was dead silence for a moment, before the loud bang and concussion swept over the trench we were in. We all rose back up as the Captain turned to us with a clipboard in his hand and began to read down it, looking for the first name.

"Abbas, Hans" he yelled. Someone around my age stepped forward; he had jet black hair and stood probably about five foot nine. The captain reached into the box and passed him a grenade.

It seemed like everyone in the group, including our instructor, stepped back. I watched as he unscrewed the tin cap from the bottom of the wooden handle and stared at the white cottom ball that hung from below it.

"Well?" The captain questioned. 'Hans' seemed to be shaking.

"Lets go, we don't have all day!" he screamed.

There was something so different about live ammunition versus using a dummy. Naturally so, I understand, but it just... it felt terrifying to be in that position.

I watched as he yanked the white rope from the bottom of the grenade and threw it as hard as he physically could. Off in the distance you could hear the flutter of birds away, and moments later the same concussion came over the trench. I listened as the Captain picked up a radio to wait for a distance report. The further you threw, the better your grade.

The kid threw far enough to earn himself a B.

We went through this same process for another seven names, until I heard the Captain scream my name.

"Weimer, Friedrich!" he hollared. I stepped forward, looking at him. He hadn't looked at me yet and as he turned back from reaching into the metal box to hand me a grenade, he made eye contact with me.

"Are you the boxer?" he questioned

"Uh.. Yes" I hesitantly responded. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"Absolutely not, I've seen you fight before." he remarked as he handed me the grenade. "Don't think you'll have much of a problem throwing this thing with that arm of yours!" he joked.

I smiled, taking the grenade from him. I could feel my heart beating rapidly, but I wanted to get this thing over with as quickly as I possibly could.

"Just don't throw it so far that we can't hear if it goes off or not!" he joked as I unscrewed the thin metal cap off of the bottom. I smiled, gripping the white cloth and yanking it off as I raised my arm into the air.

I fuckin chucked the thing as hard as I physically could, and watched as it flew up and over the trench, continuing to fly for quite awhile.

About ten seconds later, we were standing there waiting for the concussion.

"Huh, must be a dud-" The captain was mid sentence when the concussion came through, causing a few of the guys to jump in surprise. All I could hear was a ringing sound for a few seconds, and by the time it went away he had already finished listening to the radio. I smiled as the captain patted me on the shoulder and handed me my scorecard; an A+.

Thank fuck. Now we can just finish the other fucking 45 people and go home.

I stepped back into the crowd to find Siegfried and smiled once I found him, observing "It looks like we're going to be here awhile..."

"Yeah, judging by the way everyone else is acting. Its a fuckin grenade, just throw it out of the trench and get over it. Its not like you can't re-do the test if you had to." He replied.

I smiled. As Siegfried and I stood there watching others go through their exam, I began to find myself thinking of how long I'd known Siegfried.

I've already mentioned that we were friends from the beginning of me being here, but I don't really know if I mentioned much more about him. Its my fault, I know, I owe you guys an explanation but I've just been so distracted lately with everything thats been going on that it just.. hasn't come out.

Siggi was one of the first guys to have my back at the Academy. The first week there is like your honeymoon; they let you stay in a private room so your visiting family doesn't get worried about the conditions, treat you all nicely, and give you a lot of slack.

Then, the next week comes and everything seems to fucking collapse around you. You're woken up at like... four o'clock in the morning to a screaming instructor barging into your room and ordering you into the communal sleeping rooms where most of the other new students sleep. I joined the academy well after the start of the year, so I was shoved into an empty bunk that had been vacated recently. I never knew what happened to the previous occupant, and never asked.

I met Siegfried during morning exercises; he was our squad's commander at the time, and was responsible for everything from roll-call to bed inspections and more. We didn't really speak to each-other much in the beginning, but as time went on it seemed like he'd taken a liking to me. I think it was when he showed me how to properly make my bed for inspection that we had our first real conversation.

I would be lying if I were to tell you I remember exactly what the conversation was about, but I now wish that I did remember. It was one of those things where someone so superior to you puts out their hand and offers you help for no apparent reason. As our relationship further progressed into a close friendship, he explained that he acted that way towards me because he felt like he could connect with me. In his mind, we were both athletes that had been hen-pecked from our groups to attend an academy far away.

I guess he ignored the fact that his father was an important man in the military who probably arranged for him to attend, while I came from parents with reactionary backgrounds whom held no position in their lives higher than owning a farm in the Golderfeld.

Maybe that's what made me feel loyal to him; that he ignored the differences in our backgrounds and paid attention to the athletic connections we held. As time went by, he started to accelerate up the ladder of hierarchy here at the Academy. When we met, he was nothing more than a squad-leader, basically a second-lieutenant. A year later, he was already a Brigade commander, having been promoted six times.

And all that time, he never once seemed to forget about me or look at me as less than him. I guess it was only when he made it to the top of the chain, becoming a Divisional commander and becoming responsible for over two hundred and fifty guys, that he stopped hanging around me.

I understood, really... I did. He had a lot on his plate and being responsible for ensuring that things were going smoothly for all of those guys was a lot of added pressure. On top of that, he now had to get himself acquainted with the other four Divisional Commanders, and that was a lot. They were the sons of the most important people in the country, and he had a lot to live up to.

I didn't hold those months of loneliness against him, including the months that I went through the trail with Erik. I didn't hold it against him that my being alone was probably what led me to being beaten to an inch of my death on four different occasions. I didn't hold him accountable for the fact that I'd slipped into a depression.

It wasn't his fault that I had made some bad decisions at a bad time for him to be there for me.

It wasn't his fault that everyone else abandoned me within two weeks either.

I guess he was just... blissfully unaware of what was going on with me until recently.

I don't hold him accountable for any of it, despite how hard I cried wishing that I had at least one person back then to fucking be there for me.

Siegfried was strong and stoic, though he wasn't in the beginning. I remember vividly an experience where he had pissed himself one night and the sportlehrer forced him to piss on his bed-roll in front of us all during morning exercise. I think that situation scarred him; he changed, and now he presented himself as the model officer and the perfect person to be incharge of some important ministry of the government or branch of the armed forces in the future. He had strength, character, and determination. He showed loyalty, good decision making, and genuine kindness to those he cared about.

Maybe thats why he eventually came back around and hung out with me. Or maybe it was just because he needed someone who was gay to talk to about being Bi. I don't really know.

I wish I did.

To be fair, I guess I can hold him responsible for my becoming friends with the other Divisional Commanders.

I didn't realize that I'd been thinking so deeply until Siegfried shook my shoulder and showed me his grade card; an A. I smiled, congratulating him. I could tell he was trying to talk to me, but I just... felt out of it. It was weird, like despite all of the good things going on right now, that something would catch up to me eventually and ruin it all.

It was about fifteen minutes later that I think things finally caught up with me. I was standing there thinking about... to be honest, I don't really remember, when I was shaken out of it by screaming.

I looked up to see the captain yelling at someone much shorter than I; he looked to be about sixteen years old, and was shaking tremendously as he held the grenade in his hand. He had unscrewed the cap and was holding the still-attached white cloth in his hand as the captain complained, yelling;

"I don't have all day, Private!"

It was then that he pulled the white cloth out and activated the grenade.

But he didn't throw it.

He stood there for a second, shaking, before the grenade rolled out of his hand and landed on the ground at his feet.

Everything started to move at an unnaturally slow pace from then onward. The captain seemed to scream in slow motion at all of us to get out of the trench as he ran past us. The instructor was already climbing up the side of the trench and crawling away.

It didn't dawn on me until a few seconds later what was going to happen. All of the guys in the trench had started to run for their lives towards the two exits the trench had, a few more desperately trying to climb up onto the side of the trench. Their fingers were slipping, the shorter ones unable to jump high enough to grab onto the sand bags at the top of the trench and pull themselves up.

As I turned to run and pull myself out of the trench, things started to slow down even further. A figure brushed past me and towards the grenade. I didn't realize who it was until it was too late.

It was Siegfried.

I turned and watched in slow-motion as Siegfried ran through the crowd of guys desperately trying to escape.

I knew what he was doing, but I couldn't stop him. I was too late.

I screamed at him not to do it.

I screamed louder and more desperately than I had ever screamed screamed in my life, but he was already pushing the sixteen year old kid with the grenade lying at his feet out of the way by the time I was yelling.

I watched as he turned towards us and threw himself down on the grenade.

As he threw himself down on the grenade, I desperately tried to run towards him, but someone grabbed my wrist to pull me back.

He looked up at me, and I will never. Fucking. Forget. His face.

I will never forget the way he looked calm, cool, and collected.

I will never forget what he did.

The concussion was muffled, and he didn't make a single noise. Within a few seconds of us making eye contact, my vision was blurred by blood that had splattered all across the sides of the trench and on the bodies of all of the guys whom were still close enough to the blast.

I froze.

Time seemed to stand still as I stood there, staring through the smoke at... at him.

Everything in my body seemed to give up all at once, and I collapsed to the ground.

"Siegfried..." I let out. I tried to walk forward, but slipped and fell into a puddle of blood.

I would be lying if I were to tell you what happened after that.

I would be lying if I were to tell you that the image of Siegfried's body wasn't fucking burned into my brain for the rest of my god damned fucking life.

I would be fucking lying if I told you I didn't cry my eyes out as I cried into what was left of his body, clinging desperately to his tunic.

I would be fucking lying if I told you I didn't try to bandage the massive wounds with my shirt. If I told you that they didn't need six guys, including the Captain and Instructor, to pull me off of him.

I had just lost my last fucking friend. The only person that kept me going here. The only person that stayed with me throughout everything.

The only person who tried to make things better for me when everyone else was against me.

And I'd watched him blown to fucking bits.

Why the fuck would he do this to me...?

Why didn't I just fucking do what he did?

Why couldn't that STUPID FUCKING KID just throw the grenade like the rest of us?

Why couldn't the captain have shoved HIM down onto the grenade then run?

What was all of this even for? What was this supposed to teach us? What was giving a bunch of kids grenades and forcing them to train using live munitions supposed to teach the future ministers of the country?

Was it supposed to fucking teach them what it was like to watch your best friend blown to fucking smitherings right infront of you?

Was it supposed to show you what saccrificing yourself for everyone else looked like?

Was it supposed to give the countries future cabinet members, generals and officials PTSD?

Because thats what it did.

I couldn't fucking sleep that night. All I kept hearing in the back of my head was the sound of that grenade going off. The sound of blood spraying against the sides of the wood-lined trench. The sound of boots stepping through blood.

I didn't even shower that night. I completely forgot. I'm sure you can imagine how the shower the next morning went, watching as dried blood was hydrated and started pouring out of my hair, off of my face, and down my body. As my hands were covered with the blood of my best friend. As I returned to my room to find that the blood that had stuck to my hair had implanted itself on my pillow case.

All it fucking did was replay that scene over and over again.

The same concussion.

The same sounds.

The same sights.

The same scream I threw out to try and get Siegfried not to do it.

It all kept running over and over in my head.

The funeral was... official.

Siegfried's entire family had come out; His father the official, his mother, and his three brothers.

I tried my best to pay as close attention to all of the eulogies as possible, but the longer it went on the more apparent it became that they weren't treating this in the manner that it had happened.

Siggi hadn't been killed by some Russian with a machine gun. He hadn't been killed by a Syrian terrorist. He was killed by a stupid fucking kid with a grenade he should never have been handed.

It was when the headmaster of our school, General Diefenbach, started his speech that I really wanted to fucking stand up and throttle the man.

In all of his audacity, he started his speech with a line that made my blood boil.

"What better way to die than a heroes death?"

I fucking hated that man.

I tuned the rest of his eulogy out. I tried my best to pay attention out of respect for the best friend that I'd just had ripped from my arms, but I couldn't.

That fucking bastard just kept hyping up how much Siegfried loved the school. How he would have gone on to be one of the nation's best leaders, and how he died a heroes death.

He went on for what seemed like an hour, hyping everything up.

The funeral ended at around nine at night, and as I slowly walked out of the chapel in the middle of the campus, my emotions started to flood over me.

All of the memories we shared. All of the time we had spent together.

All of the laughs.

I found myself stumbling over to the ledge of a short wall that held back a large group of flowers, and sat down on the heavy stone. It wasn't long before I completely fell apart.

I had lost my best friend, the only person here that kept me grounded. The only person that seemed to be able to make this place do-able. I only had a year left here, and I hoped it would go well.

I guess this was that sign that I had been looking for lately; how I'd been saying that the bad things would catch up with me sooner or later, and that I would return back to that depressing, bad place that was filled with beatings and harassment.

I guess I was right when I told Siegfried that some people were just... meant to be used as lessons to others.

I just... didn't imagine that it would manifest itself in the way it did.

"Hey..."

I can't fucking imagine how his boyfriend felt. I saw him there, sitting in one of the pews. He stood out from the huge group of guys in jet-black dress uniforms, wearing their black armbands in mourning. He sat there in a suit, just crying.

I know I never mentioned it, but after Siegfried came out to me, a few weeks later he admitted to me that he loved that guy. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

I guess I was right when I told Siegfried that some people were meant to be alone, that somewhere along the lines their soulmate just... disappears.

I just... didn't fucking mean it to be about him.

I fucking meant it to be about me.

"For fucks sake..."

I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up; there were others sitting around me. To my right, a figure sat sobbing into his hands. To my left sat two guys, the one closest to me taking a long drag from a cigarette.

As my vision started to clear up, the dim lantern near us showed me that Albrecht, Tjaden, and Drew were sitting around me. Drew was sobbing uncontrollably, Albrecht smoking, and Tjaden just... rubbing his face with his hands.

We sat there in silence for at least half an hour, before Tjaden stood up and abruptly walked off.

About ten minutes later, Drew abruptly stood up and ran off.

I just... couldn't get up.

I still couldn't believe that he was gone...

Death is... a funny thing. One day you and your friend are sitting there trading jokes and laughing while you eat, and the next day he's had his chest blown to pieces and you're wiping his blood from your face.

"How do I fucking leave this place?" I muttered to myself. I didn't really want an answer.

I could feel Albrecht looking at me, and I could see the orange glow from the end of his cigarette out of the corner of my eye.

"Why... would you want to leave?" He questioned. His voice sounded tired.

I remained silent. I didn't really want to talk.

Having not answered him, he looked down and away, continuing to smoke. I waited for him to get up and go, but he didn't.

"Why would you want to leave?" he asked a few minutes later.

"You know why..." I muttered under my breath.

"I do?"

"I have nothing left. No one left. I'm fucking alone now because... because..."

I couldn't actually put into words what happened. I tried to say that he was dead, but it wouldn't come out. All that came out were tears from my eyes.

A few minutes later, Albrecht dropped his cigarette and stood up.

"You're not alone" he muttered.

I sighed.

"Who else do I have now that my best friend is gone?"

He was quiet for awhile.

"How about me? Tjaden? Drew? We all lost our friend too" his voice sounded irritated.

I looked up at him and just stared at him. His chest was covered with medals, a long ribbon went from his right shoulder pad down to the left side of his waist. It had a large stain on it that seemed like it had been hastily cleaned, and I just stared at it.

It reminded me of the stains on my tunic from Siegfried's blood.

"Just because he's gone doesn't mean we're going to fucking abandon you. You weren't a pity case that we hung out with because you were friends with Siegfried. You're a real fucking friend of ours."

I just... sighed.

"You don't think I'm not pissed and frightened and depressed as hell right now? I just lost someone who I trusted with everything" he said. His voice started to sound angry.

There was quiet for awhile.

"Your royalty ribbon has a stain on it, Your majesty" I snidely remarked as I stood up and started to walk away. I wasn't about to be lectured by him of all people, especially right after all of this.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed my shoulder and yanked me back towards where he stood. I came face-to-face with him, and he just stared at me.

"You want to fucking know what this is?" he questioned angrily.

"Not really, I don't really fucking ca-"

"Its the blood of that fucking kid that killed Siegfried that was just expelled. I spent three hours with Drew, Tjaden, and the others beating the fucking shit out of him-"

"Good for fucking you, you should be so pr-"

"No, I shouldn't be proud. I'm not fucking proud, I'm fucking pissed off and angry and sad and depressed and disappointed with myself all at once."

I just stood there staring at him.

"I lost my best fucking friend too, alright?" he yelled as he pushed me away.

"Just because I'm the Crown Prince doesn't mean I can't fucking show emotion..."

"I didn't mean-" I tried to say, but he interrupted me.

"I know, I know."

"I-"

"Just fuck off."

I sighed, staring at him as he turned and walked away.

I watched him walk away for awhile. Then, out of no where, my feet started forcing me to follow him. He realized soon after and stopped, turning to me and turning extremely violent.

"Why the fuck are you following me?" he screamed.

"I... I don't know" I stammered.

"Leave me the fuck alone then" he yelled.

"I..."

He just stood there and stared at me, both of us lit only by a light-pole nearby.

"Explain it, because I don't fucking understand. Why the fuck are you following me?" He demanded.

I sighed, trying to explain that I didn't know why. Maybe my mind was trying to keep me from losing someone who actually showed interest in being friends with me still.

"Say SOMETHING" he screamed.

All I could muster out was a dejected sigh. He stepped forward and shoved me away, seemingly furious.

I just took it and stood there. After a moment, I whispered;

"I just... I'm alone now, and I don't want to be..."

I turned and started to walk away, feeling tears stream down my face. In less than a week I had lost everything I had... for the third time in such a short span of time. I lost my family, I lost Erik, and now I lost my best friend.

"Hey!" his voice screamed. I started to walk faster, soon running as fast as I could as I sobbed.

I just wanted to be alone.

I didn't know where I was running to, but it didn't last long. I could hear the sound of a set of leather boots running behind me, and soon enough something grabbed my wrist and yanked me backwards and into a hard surface. I tried to push myself away, but couldn't; the surface was holding onto me as hard as it could, and I just sobbed into what felt like wool and metal. Underneath it I could feel a heartbeat and lungs expanding and deflating.

I don't know how long I cried, but it was awhile.

The tears ran out, and soon I pulled away, wiping the space between my nose and my upper lip with my hand.

I looked up, and standing in front of me with a tired face was Albrecht. He just looked at me, his face expressing exhaustion.

"You want to go get a drink at that bar Siegfried loved?"

"I... I'm not really in the mood" I stammered.

He nodded.

"How about a drink from my cabinet?"

I didn't respond.

"Just one?"

"I-"

"Please... just one..." His hoarse voice seemingly begged.

I sighed and slowly nodded. We both walked towards his officer's dorm slowly, hands deep in our pockets.

I had to try as hard as possible not to lose it again on that walk.