The funeral was... honestly, it fucking sucked the life out of me even more.
Siegfried's entire family had come out; His father the official, his mother, and his three brothers.
I tried my best to pay as close attention to all of the eulogies as possible, but the longer it went on the more apparent it became that they weren't treating this in the manner that it had happened.
Siggi hadn't been killed by some Russian with a machine gun. He hadn't been killed by a Syrian terrorist. He was killed by a stupid fucking kid with a grenade he should never have been handed.
It was when the headmaster of our school, General Diefenbach, started his speech that I really wanted to fucking stand up and throttle the man.
In all of his audacity, he started his speech with a line that made my blood boil.
"What better way to die than a heroes death?"
I fucking hated that man.
I tuned the rest of his eulogy out. I tried my best to pay attention out of respect for the best friend that I'd just had ripped from my arms, but I couldn't.
That fucking bastard just kept hyping up how much Siegfried loved the school. How he would have gone on to be one of the nation's best leaders, and how he died a heroes death.
He went on for what seemed like an hour, hyping everything up.
The funeral ended at around nine at night, and as I slowly walked out of the chapel in the middle of the campus, my emotions started to flood over me.
All of the memories we shared. All of the time we had spent together.
All of the laughs.
I found myself stumbling over to the ledge of a short wall that held back a large group of flowers, and sat down on the heavy stone. It wasn't long before I completely fell apart.
I had lost my best friend, the only person here that kept me grounded. The only person that seemed to be able to make this place do-able. I only had a year left here, and I hoped it would go well.
I guess this was that sign that I had been looking for lately; how I'd been saying that the bad things would catch up with me sooner or later, and that I would return back to that depressing, bad place that was filled with beatings and harassment.
I guess I was right when I told Siegfried that some people were just... meant to be used as lessons to others.
I just... didn't imagine that it would manifest itself in the way it did.
"Hey..."
I can't fucking imagine how his boyfriend felt. I saw him there, sitting in one of the pews. He stood out from the huge group of guys in jet-black dress uniforms, wearing their black armbands in mourning. He sat there in a suit, just crying.
I know I never mentioned it, but after Siegfried came out to me, a few weeks later he admitted to me that he loved that guy. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.
I guess I was right when I told Siegfried that some people were meant to be alone, that somewhere along the lines their soulmate just... disappears.
I just... didn't fucking mean it to be about him.
I fucking meant it to be about me.
"For fucks sake..."
I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up; there were others sitting around me. To my right, a figure sat sobbing into his hands. To my left sat two guys, the one closest to me taking a long drag from a cigarette.
As my vision started to clear up, the dim lantern near us showed me that Albrecht, Tjaden, and Drew were sitting around me. Drew was sobbing uncontrollably, Albrecht smoking, and Tjaden just... rubbing his face with his hands.
We sat there in silence for at least half an hour, before Tjaden stood up and abruptly walked off.
About ten minutes later, Drew abruptly stood up and ran off.
I just... couldn't get up.
I still couldn't believe that he was gone...
Death is... a funny thing. One day you and your friend are sitting there trading jokes and laughing while you eat, and the next day he's had his chest blown to pieces and you're wiping his blood from your face.
"How do I fucking leave this place?" I muttered to myself. I didn't really want an answer.
I could feel Albrecht looking at me, and I could see the orange glow from the end of his cigarette out of the corner of my eye.
"Why... would you want to leave?" He questioned. His voice sounded tired.
I remained silent. I didn't really want to talk.
Having not answered him, he looked down and away, continuing to smoke. I waited for him to get up and go, but he didn't.
"Why would you want to leave?" he asked a few minutes later.
"You know why..." I muttered under my breath.
"I do?"
"I have nothing left. No one left. I'm fucking alone now because... because..."
I couldn't actually put into words what happened. I tried to say that he was dead, but it wouldn't come out. All that came out were tears from my eyes.
A few minutes later, Albrecht dropped his cigarette and stood up.
"You're not alone" he muttered.
I sighed.
"Who else do I have now that my best friend is gone?"
He was quiet for awhile.
"How about me? Tjaden? Drew? We all lost our friend too" his voice sounded irritated.
I looked up at him and just stared at him. His chest was covered with medals, a long ribbon went from his right shoulder pad down to the left side of his waist. It had a large stain on it that seemed like it had been hastily cleaned, and I just stared at it.
It reminded me of the stains on my tunic from Siegfried's blood.
"Just because he's gone doesn't mean we're going to fucking abandon you. You weren't a pity case that we hung out with because you were friends with Siegfried. You're a real fucking friend of ours."
I just... sighed.
"You don't think I'm not pissed and frightened and depressed as hell right now? I just lost someone who I trusted with everything" he said. His voice started to sound angry.
There was quiet for awhile.
"Your royalty ribbon has a stain on it, Your majesty" I snidely remarked as I stood up and started to walk away. I wasn't about to be lectured by him of all people, especially right after all of this.
Suddenly, a hand grabbed my shoulder and yanked me back towards where he stood. I came face-to-face with him, and he just stared at me.
"You want to fucking know what this is?" he questioned angrily.
"Not really, I don't really fucking ca-"
"Its the blood of that fucking kid that killed Siegfried that was just expelled. I spent three hours with Drew, Tjaden, and the others beating the fucking shit out of him-"
"Good for fucking you, you should be so pr-"
"No, I shouldn't be proud. I'm not fucking proud, I'm fucking pissed off and angry and sad and depressed and disappointed with myself all at once."
I just stood there staring at him.
"I lost my best fucking friend too, alright?" he yelled as he pushed me away.
"Just because I'm the Crown Prince doesn't mean I can't fucking show emotion..."
"I didn't mean-" I tried to say, but he interrupted me.
"I know, I know."
"I-"
"Just fuck off."
I sighed, staring at him as he turned and walked away.
I watched him walk away for awhile. Then, out of no where, my feet started forcing me to follow him. He realized soon after and stopped, turning to me and turning extremely violent.
"Why the fuck are you following me?" he screamed.
"I... I don't know" I stammered.
"Leave me the fuck alone then" he yelled.
"I..."
He just stood there and stared at me, both of us lit only by a light-pole nearby.
"Explain it, because I don't fucking understand. Why the fuck are you following me?" He demanded.
I sighed, trying to explain that I didn't know why. Maybe my mind was trying to keep me from losing someone who actually showed interest in being friends with me still.
"Say SOMETHING" he screamed.
All I could muster out was a dejected sigh. He stepped forward and shoved me away, seemingly furious.
I just took it and stood there. After a moment, I whispered;
"I just... I'm alone now, and I don't want to be..."
I turned and started to walk away, feeling tears stream down my face. In less than a week I had lost everything I had... for the third time in such a short span of time. I lost my family, I lost Erik, and now I lost my best friend.
"Hey!" his voice screamed. I started to walk faster, soon running as fast as I could as I sobbed.
I just wanted to be alone.
I didn't know where I was running to, but it didn't last long. I could hear the sound of a set of leather boots running behind me, and soon enough something grabbed my wrist and yanked me backwards and into a hard surface. I tried to push myself away, but couldn't; the surface was holding onto me as hard as it could, and I just sobbed into what felt like wool and metal. Underneath it I could feel a heartbeat and lungs expanding and deflating.
I don't know how long I cried, but it was awhile.
The tears ran out, and soon I pulled away, wiping the space between my nose and my upper lip with my hand.
I looked up, and standing in front of me with a tired face was Albrecht. He just looked at me, his face expressing exhaustion.
"You want to go get a drink at that bar Siegfried loved?"
"I... I'm not really in the mood" I stammered.
He nodded.
"How about a drink from my cabinet?"
I didn't respond.
"Just one?"
"I-"
"Please... just one..." His hoarse voice seemingly begged.
I sighed and slowly nodded. We both walked towards his officer's dorm slowly, hands deep in our pockets.
I had to try as hard as possible not to lose it again on that walk.
The long flights of stairs that led up to his dorm room were tiring; especially considering he was roomed on the top floor. I didn't really have the energy for all of the steps, but I wasn't really paying attention to anything else but the same images that kept repeating in my head.
Walking past his room didn't fucking help. The door was taped shut with thick, black tape, and the doorway itself was covered three times over with yellow caution tape. It was quite obvious they didn't want anyone going in there unsupervised. I guess that was probably for the best; people taking shit wouldn't bode well with the family.
"Poor fucking Hefe" I thought to myself.
My feet carried me all the way down the long hallway to the end, where a door substantially larger than the rest sat. A man in an army uniform, ranked somewhere around Captain, stood with a rifle at his side next to the door. I looked between him and Albrecht a few times, before Albrecht spoke up.
"Willy, this is Friedrich. He's good."
The captain nodded, looking at me. I smiled, but he didn't smile back.
"He's my guard" Albrecht muttered.
"You need a guard?"
"Royal Guard demands it. So he's their... guy."
Willy looked over and us, but his facial expression didn't change. It wasn't unit Albrecht patted him on the cheek with the back of his hand that he actually smiled.
"Whats the threat?" I questioned
"I don't really know. I just accept it."
I nodded, watching as he took out his wallet and waved it up against a small black box on the wall next to his door. There was a distinct beeping sound followed by what sounded like a bunch of locks unhitching. Moments later he turned the handle and walked into his room, ushering me to follow.
His room was large and well-decorated; in fact, it seemed to have multiple rooms. The room I walked in had a desk on the far wall in front of a window and two couches positioned in front of a TV. I looked around, but jumped as the door behind me slammed shut.
"Willy's protective" Albrecht spoke up, trying to explain the slamming.
"Yeah..."
I kept looking around, but watched as he seemed to beeline straight for a large cabinet. He swung it open, and ushered me over.
Hanging on the door were a few pictures of he and his family; a family portrait of him and his parents, one of him and his friends, and a few medals tacked to the interior of the cabinet door.
Sitting on the shelves were various bottles of alcohol, and before I could examine them further he drilled me on what I wanted.
"You care?"
"Nah."
"Good, because I was just going to give you this anyway" he said as he pulled a bottle of what appeared to be Bourbon from the top shelf and handed it to me.
"Its American, so you never know if its going to be good or not until you try it." He remarked as he pulled two glasses out and closed the cabinet back up.
"But its from some place called Tennessee, and its actually really good."
I nodded, handing him back the bottle. He waved me off, instead pointing to the couch. I walked over and plopped down, watching him as he threw himself down onto the couch and threw his feet up onto the coffee table in the middle of the two couches and chair. I looked up at him as he placed the two glasses down on the table and held his hand out for the bottle. I passed it to him, and he filled both of the glasses up to the brim.
"I... don't really drink that much, you know" I joked.
"And neither of us expected to lose Siegfried, did we?" He replied coldly, handing one of the glasses to me as he threw his back and swallowed.
I sighed, taking it and sipping half of it. It fucking stung, but it was smoother than I was used to.
"Come on, sipping?" he stared. "You've gotta throw it back or else you're never going to be able to handle it"
I smiled, knocking back the glass and downing the rest of the alcohol. I looked over at him and watched him stand up, starting to undo his dress tunic and throw it on a hanger that hung on one of the doors.
"These fucking dress tunics are so damn tight around the neck" he complained.
"Yeah..." I replied. It was probably because of that medal he wore around his neck.
I watched as he undressed from his waist upward, throwing off the tunic, tie, and dress shirt he wore under it to reveal a plain white T-Shirt. He walked back over to the couch and, though he struggled for awhile, pulled his black leather boots off.
"These things..." he complained.
I nodded in agreement slowly. If I hadn't just lost my best friend, I would be enjoying this show.
He threw his feet back up on the solid wood table and poured another drink, downing it before looking over at me. He held the bottle up, offering me another drink, and I accepted.
"He was..." I tried to say, but my throat was still on fire from the bourbon.
"He was fucking great" Albrecht finished.
I sat there and ran through my thoughts for awhile. Siegfried was everything to me; he'd been there for me for so long, I didn't know what I was going to do without him, but the more and more I thought about him the more the image of him just... lying there... came back.
"I'm so fucking done with all of this bullshit, I just need to destress" Albrecht let out a distressed yell. I jumped in surprise as he shot up and walked back over to his cabinet.
"You spark?" He questioned. What?
"Pardon?"
"I said, you spark?"
"Whats...?"
"Do you smoke?"
"No, I don't want to get-"
"Not cigarettes."
"You mean weed?"
"What, do you think I do crack or something?" he joked, a smile coming up on his face.
"No no, you're not that skinny" I shot back.
"So, do you smoke?" He questioned, holding up what looked like a cigarette. I watched as he walked over with it and a little metal tin. He started to twist the cigarette, revealing that it was in-fact made of metal and had a long empty where the "tobacco" would go if it were real.
"No, we go through random drug tests" I replied, watching him. He opened the tin and the immediate smell of weed filled the room.
"I can get you out of that, you know." He remarked coldly.
"Oh? How?" I questioned.
"Don't ask questions. Do you want me to spark you up or no?" He questioned.
"I... I think I'm good." I insisted. He kept his gaze on me for a moment, waiting to see if I changed my mind, but as I sat and stared at him I guess he figured I was pretty serious.
"Hope you don't mind if I do, then"
"Nah, you're fine. Its your room after all."
"Yeah..."
"Willy ever question what you're doing?"
"He gets paid to guard me. That includes guarding me from inspections and shit like that."
"He really force the Floor Inspectors away?"
"Oh, they don't come up to this floor anyway, but even if they did they'd have no right to come in here."
"Why not?"
"Because they don't have the security clearance. I'm the Emperor's son, who knows what top secret shit i've got on me."
"Do you?"
He laughed like he hadn't in awhile.
"Of course not, but its just a way to protect me from the consequences of what I might be doing that the school doesn't like."
"Oh."
He leaned back and pulled a lighter out of his pocket, holding it up to the end of his fake cigarette.
"I'm here because I've got a year of schooling to finish, not for them to fuck with me."
I sat there, watching him inhale on his joint.
Everyone grieves differently; some people deal with it outwardly, and some deal with it inwardly; he seemed to be inward with it. He hadn't let a lick of emotion except for anger release since he'd heard the news. Not a single weary eye, red face, or anything.
In fact, ever since it happened, he seemed to start to clam up more. He became more mysterious, not talking as much when I was around him and carrying himself in a way that seemed... I don't know, strange is an understatement.
It was like he was separating himself from everyone emotionally; he didn't joke around as much and kept that other part of him, that kind that was willing to joke and talk to people in a real and personal way, inside.
And it wasn't just around me. The more days went by, the more other people noticed. First it was Tjaden and Christoph, and then it was Drew. While everyone was grieving and letting their emotions out, he was locking his away.
I just sat there and stared at him as he took a drag on his... joint, I guess, before setting it down in a glass ashtray next to him. He breathed out loudly and put his hands behind his head.
"You sure? I'm fine with sparking you up. Siegfried and I..."
He fell silent.
I sighed, louder than I meant to, when he said Siegfried's name.
He leaned forward, looking at me. His expression was stone cold but he seemed to be sweating lightly, his forehead glistening. He stared at me, and I offered a glance back once in awhile, but I couldn't figure out what he was doing and it sort of made me nervous. All of a sudden he let out a great, almost desperate sounding groan as he threw his arms onto the couch behind him.
"Siegfried always told me to be honest with myself and those around me that I was close with" he said, breaking the silence. I looked towards him, but didn't speak.
"He was always on my ass telling me that I needed to be myself, that yeah I'm gonna be Emperor one day but I have to be my own person, not what people try and groom me to be."
I nodded.
We were quiet for awhile. I wasn't sure how long, but it felt like 10 minutes.
Out of the blue, he looked up at me and stared at me for awhile, before letting out a laugh. I looked at him curiously.
"Did he ever tell you about Hefe?"
"Yeah" I replied quietly, nodding.
"He really loved the guy." He said shortly.
I nodded again.
"You know, he was always terrified of telling you that he was bi. Said he thought that you'd hate him for hiding it from you for so long, and by the time he was with Hefe he thought you'd kill him."
"I mean, he and Hefe seemed like a nice couple, I don't know why he'd be mad-"
"He'll strangle me in my sleep for this, but it was because at first he had a crush on you but didn't want to say anything about it."
My heart jumped, and I listened as he continued.
"He didn't want to risk his friendship with you over something like that. Said he'd never forgive himself if him asking you out ended up ruining your friendship."
Siegfried liked me?
"I..." I stuttered.
"You probably would of said no, wouldn't you?"
I just stared at him. After awhile, I nodded.
"Yeah, he knew you weren't ready for someone after what happened."
I nodded.
We were quite for awhile, and I watched as his expression slowly started to change. The room had a thin layer of smoke at the top towards the ceiling from his smoke-rings he'd blow, and after a little while he looked back over and me and smiled.
"You know, he fucking hated himself for what happened."
"What?"
"He was so busy that he didn't have the chance to defend you when it mattered the most, and it killed him"
I just stared.
"He fucking killed himself over it every day of that trial you went through. He just kept punching himself for not being there when things went to shit."
"I mean, its not like he would have been able to stop Erik..."
Albrecht just stared at me. It was almost unnerving the way his deep, blue eyes seemed to stare straight into my soul.
"Yeah, but that didn't stop him from feeling like shit for it."
I nodded.
We were quiet for awhile, and I watched as he took another drag from his joint.
'Man, he's going to go off the wall soon...' I thought to myself.
"You know, he always told me to be true to myself" Albrecht muttered.
I nodded, replying; "Yeah, I remember you telling me that."
He looked up and stared at me for awhile, a smile slowly breaking across his once stone-cold face. I think the weed was kicking in at that point.
"You should take your tunic off, you're making me nervous."
"Huh?" I questioned. "How so?"
"I'm sitting here high as shit and you're sitting there holding a glass in one hand wearing a dress uniform. This isn't some formal shit you know."
"Well, I've gotta go back to my room in a little while."
"Why?"
I blinked a few times, looking up at him.
"You can stay here the night" he remarked, pouring himself another drink and downing it.
"I mean, I don't think bed inspection would appreciate that."
"Our best fucking friend died. I'd be able to get you out of anything you did."
I let a smile break across my face. I think the alcohol was starting to loosen me up a little bit, but I still couldn't get the images of what I'd seen out of my head. They appeared every time I closed my eyes.
"C'mon. It'd make me more comfortable if you did." he insisted.
I sighed, standing up and unbuttoning my tunic before I tossed it on the back of the couch. The medals clanged against each other as they knocked against the couch, and I plopped back down on the couch, unbuttoning my dress shirt and tossing it atop my tunic.
He smiled, holding his pipe out for me. I waved him off, and he gave a sort of annoyed eyeroll.
"Really. Drug tests, I don't want to get kicked out" I remarked. "Wouldn't have anywhere to go, you know?"
"Nobody's getting you kicked out, not as long as I'm a member of the royal family" he muttered. I looked at him curiously, but he didn't explain.
"I just... regret that I never got to ask him for all of the advice I needed."
"Advice?"
"You don't want to know."
"I... I do."
"You don't"
"Why not?"
He looked up and just stared at me. This time it wasn't like he was staring through me or looking for something, but was looking me up and down.
"Because." he said sternly, taking a swig from the bottle itself.
"You're going to have a killer hangover tomorrow" I joked.
He nodded.
"He always was on my ass about being open and being myself. That I needed to take chances..." he said, looking across the room.
That was the third time he said that tonight. Did he not realize he was repeating himself?
"He kept telling me to go for what I wanted, to take the chances he wasn't willing to go for."
I looked at him confused. He seemed to be sweating a bit more than before, and had already taken his belt off and thrown it across the room. I gathered the weed and alcohol was starting to get to him.
"You want something else to drink?" he questioned as he stood up and walked towards a small fridge that sat atop a counter with a sink in it.
"Uh...I mean, some water?" I asked quietly.
"Sure" he commented, reaching into the cabinet and pulling out a large glass, filling it with water from the tap. He carried it back to me, handing it to me as he sat down right next to me, cracking a can of Pepsi open and taking a long drink from it. He sighed with relief, and looked over at me.
And let out a massive burp.
I don't know if it was the second-hand weed smoke or the alcohol, but that was one of the funniest things I'd heard in awhile, and cracked the fuck up, spilling my water all over me as I lost control of the glass. He looked at me and started laughing uncontrollably.
We just sat there and laughed for what felt like five minutes at each-other, and it was one of the most cathartic experiences I'd ever experienced.
After a few minutes, we both got quiet again, and he threw the TV on, switching between channels and passing the news faster than I'd seen anyone do in awhile. He landed on the dubbed version of American Dad and stayed there, just watching it.
We sat there watching TV together for what felt like awhile. I'm not sure how long it was, but I know at around 1:30, as I was getting up to get dressed and head out, he grabbed my leg and ushered me to sit down again.
"You... you know how I said that he always wanted me to be honest with myself and those around me that I cared about?"
I nodded, looking at him. He seemed to be struggling with something.
"I..."
"What?"
"I... I've hidden some things in my life. A lot of things from people in my life, really, but a few really big things."
"Like?"
He looked up and stared me straight in the eyes. His eyes were bloodshot, and I could tell he was still heavily high on whatever he'd smoked. That, combined with the alcohol, probably wasn't helping him make proper decisions.
"I... uh..." he struggled.
I looked at him and explained that it was fine for people to keep secrets. That not everyone was willing to be open about everything.
That was when he looked me straight in the eye and let it out.
"I'm gay, Friedrich."
I froze. He sat there, staring straight at me, as I fuddled with my words. The Crown Prince... had just come out of the closet... to me...
What the fuck was I supposed to say?
"I've wanted to tell someone besides the guys that for so long..." he muttered.
I nodded slowly, unable to find anything to say.
"I... would ask you if you were okay with that, but I figure I know your opinion." he said, looking away and picking up his bottle of alcohol again. He held it in his hand as he looked at me, waiting for a response.
"I mean, considering... who I am... you know what my response is going to be."
"Did you know?"
"I had no idea, to be honest" I replied.
He just smiled and took a swig from the bottle. I was pretty sure we'd already had half of it.
"You know, you're really oblivious" he laughed as he set the bottle down.
"Huh?" I questioned.
"I said, you're pretty oblivious" he repeated.
"Yeah... I just... don't...I don't know. I've got a lot on my mind these past few months."
"Doesn't mean you should be as oblivious as you have been."
"What do you mean?"
"Friedrich..." he said quietly, before looking me in the eyes.
"I've been hitting on you for two months and not once have you realized it."
My heart almost jumped out of my chest.
"And I get that you've been through a lot in the past few months and all, but it would have been nice to get a response back... at all" he said clearly.
"I... honestly, I had no idea..." I stammered. My head kept replaying what he said over and over again, trying to find some way to construe it in a manner that didn't mean he liked me.
But I couldnt.
"You didn't?" he looked curiously.
"N...no" I replied, stuttering. I could feel sweat running down my back and my hands were starting to shake, and I found myself turning, pressing my back up against the arm of the couch and folding my legs together cross-legged.
He looked down at his feet for awhile, and I just kept thinking of what he said over and over again. I could feel more and more parts in my body start to shake, and soon enough my brain was trying to convince me that this was all a dream.
"I... I get that you're not ready for something else" he muttered "but when you are, could you tell me? Because... i'd really like to try something" he finished.
"Try what..." my heart forced out of my mouth. I immediately wanted to punch myself, and watched as he looked over.
"Try to be myself...with you" he replied, looking at me. His eyes were still bloodshot, but he seemed to look on me longingly. I could feel my heart rate go off the walls.
I just sat there in silence, staring at him. He was looking down at his hands as he twiddled with his thumbs.
"Siegfried kept pressuring me to actually go out and ask you this, but I never had the balls. He kept saying that you and I'd be great together, that our personalities would match, and that we each had something the other needed."
I sat there quietly. What could I possibly have that he needed...?
He seemed to notice my silence, and looked up worriedly.
"I... I haven't scared you, have I? I'm sorry if I'm being too forward..." he said apologetically, reaching for my jacket.
"No... no... its just..."
My words fell apart, and I couldn't continue. He let go of my jacket and moved closer, looking at me concerned.
"What?" he said worryingly.
"I just... don't know what to say." I managed to get out.
"I told you Friedrich, its alright if you aren't-"
"What if I'm willing to try?" I blurted out. I almost immediately regretted what I said, watching him stare at his hands.
A few moments later, he looked up and straight into my eyes.
"Are you?" he whispered as he started to move across the couch and closer to me. My brain had lost all control and my heart was taking over.
"I..."
He moved even closer, and I found myself slumping back, lying close to flat on the couch, only my head supported by the arm of the couch.
Before I realized what was happening, his nose and mine were brushing up against each-other. I could smell the mix of alcohol and marijuana coming off of his breath and surrounding me as he breathed, and he spoke up, seemingly apprehensively.
"Are you.. alright with this?" he questioned seriously.
I looked straight into his eyes. After a moment of stuttering, I was able to at least get something out.
"Yes" I stammered. He looked even more serious, and leaned out.
"You're absolutely sure?" He questioned, looking down at me. I pushed myself back up against the armrest and nodded slowly.
"I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do."
I don't know what caused it, but I reached out and gripped his shirt, holding onto it with my fist as I pulled him back towards me.
He smiled.
He leaned in, and our lips touched for the first time. We were both clearly apprehensions at first. He was the first person I'd kissed in months and the third person ever.
His lips were smooth, probably the softest I'd ever felt. His hands held me by my ribs for awhile, before slowly sliding down my body and onto my hips. He was gentle, but still dominant.
We kissed passionately, almost hungrily, as his hands held onto my hips. We just kept going at it for what felt like forever; I didn't realize how much I needed something like this until now. Just the feeling of someone holding onto me like that made me feel... I don't know.
Maybe it made me feel human again. Like my existence had a reason.
Maybe it made me feel like I was wanted again. All I know is that despite everything that had happened recently, it made me feel like a person again.
I'm not sure how long we were at it for, but I knew he pulled off me and let me go around two in the morning. As he helped me button up my tunic, we shared another few embraces.
For the first time in a really, really long time, I felt genuinely good, though embarrassed.
As I went out the door, my face ablaze with embarrassment, I rushed past his guardsman and down the hallway. I was about to open the large fire-door that led down the side stairwell when his voice hollered for me.
"Friedrich!" Albrecht's voice carried down the hallway. I looked back down the hallway and squinted, realizing he was waving my dress shirt.
In my rush out, I had pulled on my tunic without actually putting my shirt back on.
I ran back down the hallway and grabbed my shirt, fully intending on just going. I didn't want to do anything in front of is guard, but it seemed he had other ideas.
Before I realized what was going on, he had spun me around and slammed me up against his door.
"That hurt" I declared.
"Sorry" he apologized, though a cocky look on his face made me feel like he didn't mean it.
That was alright, I guess.
Before I knew it, he was pressing his lips up against my neck. I stood there surprised, before looking over at his guard with the sudden realization of what was going on.
He wasn't paying attention, just looking forward.
Soon enough, Albrecht's nose was brushing up against mine again as he tilted his head, pressing his lips against mine. I couldn't help but return his advances.
He didn't seem to care what anyone might think if we were caught, but I was worried.
A minute or so later, he pulled back, letting me go. I stumbled backwards in shock and embarrassment, watching him as he disappeared into his room and shut the door, before I made eye contact with his guard.
All he did was smile.
I wandered across the campus, continually replaying what had happened the past few hours in my head.
It was a nice distraction from... from what had happened, but it didn't make up for it.
Maybe I wasn't alone after all...