Or maybe I was...
I woke up the next morning with the blare of the horn and went through the day doing my normal Friday routine, which this week included an exam in our foreign cultures lecture. I thought I did pretty well on it, but I couldn't be sure until we got our marks back the next week; you never know how the professor is going to respond to that essay, especially in a school where the questions are often written with political leanings and you're supposed to write your own opinions.
The best way for me to put it is, for some people, it would be like being a gay American Democrat writing a paper on same-sex marriage when your professor is an Evangelical Republican. Some things just don't mix, especially when you're unsure of where your instructor stands.
My professor would probably be proud of me for remembering all of those American political concepts from our class; hopefully I used them properly.
The next few days went by quickly at first, but slowly towards the end. I understand that it takes time to heal the wounds of loss, but it doesn't help when you sit at an empty table, next to an empty seat, that your best friend used to occupy every morning in your lecture hall. It doesn't help when your instructor accidentally calls his name in roll call, all to realize after repeating his name several times that the guy isn't ever going to be in his class again.
That he's dead.
That his... fucking stomach.. got blown out onto the wooden floor of a trench two hours outside of the academy because some fucking kid couldn't muster the balls to just...
I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to talk about it anymore. I deal with those images enough when I try to fall asleep at night, I don't need to keep bringing it up on purpose.
I'd like to at least have some level of control over my life.
It had been about a week since his funeral. About a week since... what happened with him..
The first few days, I was in... I don't know. I guess you could say a state of equilibrium; I was dead inside because of what happened with Siegfried, but what happened with Albrecht felt like it'd planted a seed in my chest that was starting to take root. That somehow, someway, things would get better from there onward.
That was before everything else happened.
I hadn't seen Albrecht since that night; in fairness to him, the first few days after the funeral I was... pretty busy. Schoolwork, boxing practice, and other things took up all of my time, but by Tuesday I was actively trying to make contact with him again. I needed answers about what happened that night.
I needed to know if he'd still wanted to 'make a go of it'.
If his offer to try some sort of relationship was still valid, days later.
I tried to make contact with him a few times; at first by text message, but it seemed that every text I sent him either didn't go through or didn't get a response. I thought it strange at first, but chalked it up to the fact his security probably made it so his phone didn't get contacted from people they didn't approve.
To be honest, I don't think it hit me until late Tuesday night, a few days after the funeral, that what happened with Albrecht had actually happened. I kept thinking that it was a dream, maybe something that I'd made up in my stressed state to try and deal with the fact that my best friend was gone.
It was Thursday afternoon, as I walked across the campus towards my dorm building, that I at least got some semblance of recognition that what happened had actually happened. It just... didn't come in the form that I expected it to.
As I walked down the long pathway that connected one of the lecture halls to the armory and my dorm building, I passed the large metal gate that led to the parking lot and driveway where visitors would come in and new recruits would be dropped off, and stopped as I saw something out of the corner of my eye. A short, black sedan was parked idling, with a large group of what seemed like school officials, instructors, and a middle-aged woman standing around it. She seemed reserved, and stood off to the side by the car as the group of school officials talked amongst themselves.
A few minutes later, I watched as headmaster Diefenbach walked out of the visitors center, towing a boy along side him. In his hand he carried a large, rectangular leather suitcase, and had an annoyed expression on his face. He walked to the car and handed the woman the suitcase, then presenting the boy to her.
She looked like she was crying.
As she threw the suitcase in the trunk and opened the passenger-side door, I got a glimpse of the boy with her; It was that kid that had failed to throw the grenade properly. The one that ended up killing Siegfried.
I watched as he got into the car and the woman, likely his mother, got in the drivers seat. A few moments later, they drove off down the long pebble driveway, the officials not even looking back as they walked into the visitors center.
I knew that they would expel him for what he did; failing a munitions test in the way he did was enough in itself to get you in trouble, but it causing the death of not only a student, but the eldest son of a government Minister...
I don't know. I was glad to see him go is all, I guess I'm trying to say.
As I turned to continue walking back to my dorm, I heard a voice off in the distance yell "Oi, Friedrich!"
I looked forward, and could see a figure running my way. The distinctly British accent gave off that it was probably Drew, and as he neared me, that fact was confirmed.
I smiled, nodding up at him as I reached out to shake his hand. He was dressed sharply; it wasn't his dress uniform, but it was the nicer version of your normal everyday uniform. He had all of his medals and ribbons on, along with his ceremonial cord that went from his right shoulder blade down and across his chest to the left part of his waist.
"What are you all dressed up for, Drew?" I questioned.
"Oh, some Americans are comin' today and I'm one of the ones whose supposed to greet'em."
"That sounds like fun" I remarked
"Yeah, once we give em the tour and get em situated in the guest rooms we're gonna take em out into the city tonight"
"Sounds great" I smiled.
Drew was one of those rare people you meet in a tough situation that seems unnaturally at peace. I don't know what it was that made him always seem calm and collected; maybe it was his relationship with God, or maybe it was just his personality, but he rarely seemed to swing into the extremes of his emotions.
He spent a lot of time keeping himself looking good; though its true that we all at the academy spent a decent amount of time making sure we were presentable by requirement, he went the extra mile. Even during the weekends, when we weren't required to... really even bother with the way we looked, so long as we weren't going to an official function, he made sure to remind people he was gorgeous.
There was something about a guy who always wore tight-fitting athletic clothing and had an accent that made me go wild. Then again, it would probably make any girl or gay guy go wild too.
"So whatcha been up to? Haven't seen you since..."
His voice went from cheerful to reserved. I nodded understandingly so he didn't have to repeat what we all were still trying to deal with.
"Oh, a lot of schoolwork and practice to get through. A lot of matches coming up the next few months."
"Ah, alright mate." He replied, further remarking "well whenever you've got the time, we've gotta hang out again". I smiled, watching as he waved and started to walk away.
I don't know what made me do it, but I blurted out something I probably shouldn't have.
"Drew, have you seen Albrecht recently?"
He stopped, turning back towards me. He'd only walked about ten feet away.
"Yeah, he's a couple minutes behind me. Why?"
"Just haven't seen him in awhile."
"Ah, alright. Just warnin' you now though, he's been in a bit of a pisser since what happened."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, figured I'd warn you"
"What do you mean, a pisser?"
"Oh, you'll find out if you talk to'im, trust me."
He smiled and waved once more, turning around and continuing towards the visitors hall.
I sighed, digging my hands into my pockets as I walked down the pathway and towards my dorm. The untimely cool breeze that had been here only a week or so ago had burned off, and we were back to the pre-summer warm air that always seemed to loft over the Capitol this time of year.
Off in the distance, I noticed a tall figure walking towards me; he walked with a quick pace, seemingly adjusting something on the breast of his tunic as he quickly marched down the pathway. As he neared me, I realized Drew was right; it was Albrecht , a few minutes behind Drew.
I smiled, the memories of that night flooding back to me. As we neared eachother, I tried to think of some way to greet him that wouldn't sound awkward considering we hadn't spoken since what happened. I kept mulling the options over in my mind before finally concluding that just a simple 'Hey' would suffice.
As we neared within ear-shot of each other, I spoke up;
"Hey Stranger"
There was no response. He seemed to still be occupied with whatever he was adjusting on his breast pocket, and even after he finished that he went straight to what was probably his cuff-links. He was probably just too distracted to hear me.
Within fifteen feet of each-other, I tried catching his attention again.
"Hey!"
There was, once again, no response. I tried once more as he was about to pass me, noticing the distinctly loud noise of music coming from him.
'Oh... He's just listening to his IPhone... phew.' I thought to myself.
As he passed me, I sort of tapped and grabbed his arm at the same time, tugging on his sleeve as he passed by before letting go to catch his attention. He looked up and looked around, before realizing I was standing behind me. He reached up and pulled his earbuds out, looking at me questioningly.
I offered a warm smile, but he didn't reciprocate. I was pretty sure his facial expression had gone from "oh, its you", but I wasn't sure. My heart started to sink.
"Haven't seen you in awhile" I tried joking.
"Yeah... long time no see" he responded dryly.
"Whats up?" I questioned
"Not much... not much... you need something?"
"I was just saying 'Hey', we haven't seen each other in awhile"
"Yeah... Listen, I've got somewhere to be, did you need something or not?"
I just looked at him for a moment, fuddling with my words.
"Are you busy tonight?"
"Yeah, I'm going out into the city."
"Well, when you have some free time again, I'd... like to talk about what happened."
"What happened?"
"You know... that night..."
His whole figure seemed to change, and he wiped his mouth with his hand as he looked down and away before speaking.
"Listen". His voice was different; it sounded... almost agitated.
"What happened is what happened. I don't really want to talk about it."
"Oh..." I muttered, looking at him. "I... Alri-"
"I'd just rather we not speak about what happened, alright?"
I looked at him and watched as he refused to make eye contact with me. I was totally fucking lost...
"I... don't understand. What happened?"
"You and I both know what happened. We were both there."
"Yeah, but it was consen-"
He clenched his fist and looked up at me.
"Listen Friedrich, I made some mistakes. I wasn't in the right place and did things I'm not proud of, understand me?" He said aggressively. His voice carried this level of aggravation that I hadn't heard from anyone in a long time, and I could feel myself start to close up.
"I... I understand" I said, my hand starting to shake. "I just... thought you..."
"We both thought a lot of things. Like I said, I was drunk. I did things that the Crown Prince should never have done, and now I'm dealing with the concequences, so-"
"The consequences?" I questioned
"Yes, the consequences. You and I made out, and now I have to deal with that in the back of my mind for my entire life. Its just another fucking loose end that'll always be there waiting to ruin my reputation and my career"
" Albrecht, I would never..."
"Its Commander. Not Albrecht." He asserted.
I don't know how to describe it, but have you ever been with someone and all of the sudden, despite your similarities physically, you feel so much smaller than them? That no matter your height you're looking up and them and they're looking down and you? That often enough, they're proud of their position?
I... didn't know how to deal with what he said. I didn't know how to deal with any of this, but it didn't matter, because he just kept going.
"Okay, Sir" I replied, my voice shaking. I could feel his burning gaze on me, and I tried my best not to look up from my boots.
"I suppose at some point in my life that night is going to rear its ugly head and you're going to come to me wanting something in exchange for keeping it under wraps, so you might as well tell me what you want now so I can work on it."
"I dont want anything..." I muttered.
"Really? Come on now, you" he paused for a little while. I wanted to look up, but I just couldn't. I wanted to run the hell away, but I couldn't. It was like everything in my body had suddenly become stone.
"You knew what you were doing" he continued.
"I didnt want anything..." I muttered out. I could feel that I was losing control of my emotions, my voice going hoarse and my eyes welling up.
"What do you fucking want from me?" he screamed. I... I just couldn't respond.
You fucking came onto me... I didn't fucking pressure you into anything for fucks sake...
"Is it some sort of fucking position in power?"
All I fucking wanted was not to be alone.
"Is it money?"
I wanted to say a lot of things to him as he stood there yelling at me, but I just... couldn't.
"Is it power over me or something?" he screamed.
I...
"Is that your fucking sick fetish or something? Having power over people like me so you can show up in 20 years and ask me for something or else you'll ruin my fucking life?"
I didn't reply. I couldn't. I kept trying to speak up, to try and explain that I didn't want anything from him, that I didn't mean anything by what had happened.
That he was the first person who had shown any interest in me outside of my boxing ability in... in years...
And that it had meant the world to me for that short time.
But I couldn't.
Not as he stood there screaming at me. All I could do was lose control of everything.
He stepped forward and screamed at me once more. To be honest, I don't even know what he said. I couldn't hear anything over my own thoughts.
Out of nowhere, I was shoved backwards, losing my balance and landing on my back and the back of my head slamming into the slate pathways. He was still standing there, staring at me, like he was waiting for me to tell him that I'd... I don't know.
That maybe I'd leave and disappear and all of his problems would go away.
That he would never have to deal with anything named 'Friedrich' again.
"You fucking stand at attention when in my presence" he screamed, ordering me to stand up. His face showed nothing but...
I don't even know how to describe the way it looked. Even if I could, I'd rather not.
All I could do was lose all control of my emotions and start sobbing uncontrollably as I held the back of my head and ran.
I struggled to push myself off the ground, my knees weak. As I rose up, he glared at me. I couldn't fucking look at him.
His angered voice grew close to me, and suddenly he had me by the collar of my shirt. He pulled me close and stared into my eyes.
"Don't EVER fucking come near me again, understand?" he said. His voice sounded like he was about to explode.
I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a tear coming down from his eye.
He shoved me back, and I was pretty sure that through the blurred vision of my tears I saw him raise his fist. As I felt myself start to lose all control over my emotions and tears stream down my cheeks, I turned and ran. I ran as fast as I physically could away.
I wanted to run out of the fucking campus. Out of the City. But I could only run to my room and shut myself in, so I did.
Half an hour later, I stepped through my doorway and into my room. Wiping tears from my face, I looked around; my room was the usual bare cave it always was.
What had I fucking done?
All of this heartache.
All of this pain.
All of this torture...
And for what in return?
It was like I was in a movie... that I had lost all control over my life. What agency did I even have at this point?
In a sudden fit of rage, I kicked a nearby chair and watched it fly across the room.
"For THIS?" I cried out.
I collapsed to my knees, completely broken down .
"God, what did I do to be abandoned like this...?"
I don't know how long I laid there crying, but I knew it was for awhile. All I could think of were ways to get out. None of them would work; they'd find me eventually.
I wanted to keep crying, but I couldn't. All of my tears had been used up. All that was left was that dry heaving you sometimes make when you've completely broken down but your body just can't handle it anymore.
"What did I do...?"