Peace was something I've never really had in my life. At least, not since I was a kid.

These past few years have been a shining example of that; all of the shit that's happened, from my parents practically disowning me to my coming to the academy and going through a hundred years worth of hazing in less than one, to what happened with Erik and now all this.

There just... comes a point where you can't take it anymore, you know?

Making my decision to go through with it was surprisingly easy; all I had to do was think logically.

In the past few years, the following good things have happened;

None.

In the same span of time, the following bad things have happened; I've been disowned by my parents for simply trying to tell them more about myself and be honest with them. I've been hazed more in a single year than most deal with in a hundred, I've been put in a medical ward four times and a hospital once, and I've gone to court for over a hundred days dealing with what happened with Erik.

And now, this with Albrecht. 'Commander', as he ordered me to refer to him as.

You've got to understand what that night meant to me. You've got to understand where I was coming from. Everything had seemingly built up to that night; it was like the world was sending me through shitty event after shitty event all building up to some grand "exchange" of karma. That I had gone through enough bad stuff to finally get something good in return.

That... if there were some karma store out there somewhere in the heavens, I could turn in all of the points I'd earned for a relationship with him.

But it... it didn't work out like that, I guess.

I guess life doesn't work out like that.

Awhile ago I said that I believed firmly that there are those in our world that exist purely to teach others lessons, and furthermore that there are those that lose their soulmates somewhere along the way and are left alone for the rest of their lives.

I guess I have an uncanny ability to predict my own future.

That night had honestly meant the world to me. It was like... like this great release of pressure, tension, pain and misery. It was like all of those negative emotions were expelled from my body and filled with feelings of confidence, comfortableness, and the like.

The feeling of Albrecht's arms around my body just... I don't know. I've always known that I wasn't the dominant one in a relationship; that despite all of the facades of strength and stoicism that I put up, that I needed someone who made me feel safe. The nights after my successful boxing matches were the worst; coming off of the high of winning, I knew I needed someone to be there with me to hold me tighter than ever.

I knew I couldn't last alone for much longer months ago. I guess that night with Albrecht gave me hope that things would get better, but that altercation on the sidewalk, it just... killed everything in me.

I had made my decision, and for the first time in maybe years, I was at peace.

"Alright, I'll just need you to sign here" the officer said, handing me a pen and a long sheet of legal paper that had various numbers and other signatures on it.

"Where do I sign?" I questioned, looking at the innumerable empty boxes.

"You'll be taking..." he paused "ah, here we go, number forty seven."

I nodded, signing on the line next to number 47.

"And when do I need to return it?"

"Three days. Whens your firing exam?"

"Two days from now. So I'll return it after my exam."

"Perfect. Just make sure to clean it properly"

"Ofcourse" I nodded, watching as he pulled a shining silver pistol out of a large locked metal cabinet. A small paper tag with the number "47" hung from where the trigger was, attached with a piece of twine. He set the pistol on the counter and pushed it towards me while he rummaged through a box in search of something.

"Lets see... no...no...no...here we go!" he excitedly remarked, pulling out a clip and setting it down on the table.

"You've seven rounds in that, but the firing range will supply you with as many more as you need."

"Do I need to return the clip reloaded?"

"No, we'll do that."

I nodded, taking the clip and putting it in the same tunic pocket that I'd slipped the pistol in while he wasn't looking.

"Do you need anything else from me?" I questioned as I passed him back the paper and pen.

I watched as he scanned the paper, remarking "no...no... you're good to go!"

I nodded, smiling politely as I walked out of the armory and across the school grounds towards my dorm room.

There was no exam.

I don't think he'd want the gun back after I used it, either.

I was finally at peace; I knew what I wanted to do. I had planned everything out, and so far it was going the way it was supposed to; all I needed was to get back to my room, lock my door, and...

Well... you know...do it.

I had mulled over the thought of leaving a note behind, but I think I was naive in thinking I needed to. It took me until about halfway through writing the thing to remember that there was no one that would miss me. I think that realization was what really pushed me over the edge and forced me to make my decision.

In truth, there really wasn't anyone. My parents had disowned me, my friends from the past abandoned me, my friends now would soon follow suit.

There was no point in leaving a letter for no one. The only people who would care would be the medics who'd arrive to try and stop the blood flow (which wouldn't be possible, I'd be D.O.A on purpose) and the investigator who'd try to piece together why I'd done what I'd done.

If they even asked an investigator to look into it. There wasn't really anyone that would want answers besides the schools' registrar so she could take me off the attendance list.

Maybe my being gone would cause some calm to descend upon the madness that went on here.

It wasn't likely.

I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, the cold silver pistol sitting in my lap. I found myself running my fingers across it time and time again, before slowly pulling the clip out and sliding it into place.

Click.

I sighed, wiping tears away from the wells of my eyes as I struggled to pull the top of the gun back to put it into a loaded position.

Snap.

It was ready.

I wasn't, though.

Not yet.

I found myself sitting there, my hand that held the gun trembling, as I kept running over my life time and time again. I had gone through so much... for so little.

Why?

Was it so much to ask for a life that wasn't trying as hard as possible to get me to kill myself every day?

Why couldn't I just have... one nice experience?

Why couldn't I go to the beach one last time?

That was my dream after all... it wasn't much. I didn't want to be wealthy, I didn't want to be powerful, I didn't want to be famous.

All I fucking wanted was to smell the air that wafted from the sea foam into the coast one last time...

I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I stood up and walked across my room, stopping at my desk and picking up a pad of paper. It was like my body was forcing me to do something that my mind didn't know about.

Before I knew it, I was penning a suicide note.

I could hardly read my own handwriting, and the tears that kept pouring down my cheeks continually blurred the ink on the yellow lined paper.

"Commander Albrecht,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything I put you through because of that night. I'm sorry that you felt like you had to cut yourself off from me and act in the way you did. I know it wasn't your fault, perhaps it wasn't even what you wanted to do, but you did it because you had no choice, and I can't forgive myself for that."

My hand shook violently as I tried to continue writing, having to take a break for a moment before continuing.

"I don't want you to ever feel the way you told me you felt. I don't want you to worry for the rest of your life that someone out that has something on you that could ruin your career, your family, or anything else."

I had lost all control of my emotions and couldn't really see through my tear-blurred vision.

"I guess I did what I did because I was desperate for someone who actually showed some interest in me. I guess I was desperate for someone to actually see value in me, and I'm sorry that it had to be you. I honestly didn't mean to do any harm by what happened that night. I just..."

I paused, wiping the tears from my eyes

"I just lost everything, and just... desperately wanted something for even any amount of time. Something to make me feel human again, something that made me feel like I actually had some value outside of my boxing skills for the school. I didn't want to be just a prize-earner and trophy-collector, I wanted to be something to someone...

And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry. I...

I'm sorry. Though I can never repay you for how that night made me feel, I'm sorry that it ever happened. I should never have put my own feelings above others.

Some people are just meant to teach other people lessons, I guess. I guess I'm someone's lesson. I just don't know who.

Albrecht...Commander...You have a bright future ahead of you. Brighter than anyone I've ever met in my life. In the short time I've gotten to know you, you've been nothing but kind and friendly when you weren't pushed to do things that you shouldn't have done with someone who has no value. You're strong, loyal, stoic, and you know where you're headed in life. There may be some bumps in the road, but you'll get there, and when you get there you'll be the best damn man for the job.

I just hope that you can forgive me and find peace sometime in your life, because I never did, and I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the way I did. I felt that pain every day from the day I realized who I was on the inside, and I don't wish that pain on anyone, not my greatest opponents, not even Erik."

"What did I do to deserve a life so painful?" I muttered out loud between my tears.

"Tell Coach Edgar I'm sorry. He'll just have to find someone to train. Maybe Sven, he's got a few years before he's our age and is more than capable of getting there. He just needs to be guided.

I want you to understand this isn't your fault. Its just a combination of everything thats happened in the past year coming together. I've been contemplating this for so long, I just finally got the nerve to do it tonight. For the first time since I discovered my sexuality, I don't feel lost anymore. Everythings just... numb, I guess.

Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

At least its finally for a good reason. You'll never have to worry about loose ends from me. By the time you get this letter, I'll be long gone and in line at the gates of hell. I hope you could read this letter alright; though I'm calm and sure of my decision, it killed me to have to write all of this down on paper. I just... lost control, like I did that night you and I...

I'm sorry.

I know its a lot to ask, but if you ever find the spare time in your life, would you pray for me?

Wholeheartedly yours,
Friedrich Weimer."

I ripped the sheet of paper from the pad and folded it over itself a few times before sticking it in my pocket. I waited a few minutes to pull myself together before stepping out of my doorway and walking down the long hallway, quickly jogging down the flights of stairs and running out the front door.

My feet carried me across the campus grounds quickly, my boots brushing through the well-manicured green grass, the sound of my leather boots against the night's dew filling the air. The campus was lit beautifully this time of night; the large, glass lanterns that sat atop their poles lined every sidewalk and illuminated them in this clear, white light that couldn't be duplicated anywhere else but our campus.

It was strange; I was at peace; morose, but at peace. More so than I had been in such a long time. As I rushed up the innumerable flights of stairs that eventually lead to the top floor of his building, I couldn't help but focus on where I was going after this. I knew what suicide meant for the afterlife; Valhalla wouldn't take people who took the easy way out.

I guess I would have to live in the afterlife with the decisions I'd made here.

As I walked down the long hallway and towards Albrecht's door, I tried my hardest not to look at the tape covering Siegfried's door. I missed him so fucking much. He was like the glue that kept my life together, and now that he was gone, it all had fallen apart.

I squinted down the hallway and look at Albrecht's guard; he seemed to be looking towards me, though as I finally reached the door I found him to be simply staring forward.

"Can I... slip this note under his door?" I asked hesitantly. His guard looked over and me and then down to the folded yellow paper in my hand that I held out.

"I can give it to him when he gets back." his voice stated coldly. He reached his hand out, and I put the note in his open palm, before turning around and walking away.

I don't know what got over me, but I found myself walking the campus grounds for what was at least a half an hour, taking the extremely long way back to my dorm building. I think I needed some time to cool down and re-orient myself so I could actually go through with this.

As I reached my dorm building, I seemed calm again. I wasn't crying and wasn't shaking; I was just... calm.

I walked up the three flights of stairs to my floor, and passed the innumerable doors before finding my room; #12. I opened the door and stepped through, closing the door behind me and locking the lock on the doorknob so as to not be disturbed until it was over.

I slowly walked over to the edge of my bed and picked up the pistol, holding it in my hand and slowly getting to know every part of it. It wasn't long before I took a deep breath and decided I needed to go through with it. I went through everything, making sure it was clean, making sure it was properly loaded, making sure it wouldn't jam.

I sighed heavily, raising the pistol up under my chin, the barrel parallel with my neck.

"I'm sorry..." I muttered out, tears flowing down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry" I shook. My last thought was supposed to be of Albrecht and how much I regretted having done what I'd done with him. Not because it wasn't right, but because of what it had caused after that. Because that moment of pure bliss had been the catalyst for my life collapsing even more.

My brain teased me, replaying the image of Albrecht shoving me to the ground, my head slamming into the concrete.

It was that painful moment. As my brain played the feeling of the back of my head hitting the cold slate sidewalk pavers once again, I tilted the pistol up and pulled the trigger.