My name is Albrecht Stein, though I think you already know who I am.
I'd like to begin our relationship with honesty, mostly because its not something I've been known for in my life. I've made quite a few mistakes; I'm no perfect child, no perfect royal, no perfect lover. I've caused innumerable problems for too many people, but never like what I caused for Friedrich. I caused him so much pain, and it all came back on me that Saturday night.
Friedrich...
There's no excuse for what I did. All I can try and do is explain why I did what I did, and hope that you can forgive me. That afternoon in the courtyard, I made the single greatest mistake of my life. I ruined in less than ten minutes what I had worked months to get, all because of fear. I was terrified.
I was terrified of what would happen between us; not that something romantic would ensue, no, that was exactly what I wanted, but I was scared for...
I'm sorry, its just hard to explain how I felt. Perhaps I was terrified of the looks people would give him; people would spread vicious rumors, people would seek to hurt him more than ever. I could hear the hushed conversations in hallways already; 'Him? With the Crown Prince? Surely he must have something on him...'
Friedrich didn't deserve all of the shit he'd been put through in his life, especially not the inexcusable amount of violence directed at him ever since he went to the police about Erik months ago. Ever since the word began to spread that not only had Friedrich and Erik been together, but that he'd had Erik thrown in jail for something that happened between them, he'd been tortured mercilessly. Day after day he'd be put through beatings, hazing, innumerable taunts, and much more.
He'd been spit at, beaten up, chided and abandoned; all for trying to defend himself. Kicked, punched, hair pulled, and more. His locker in the washroom had been broken into over a dozen times, his room destroyed twice, and probably more things I didn't know about.
He kept most of the stuff that happened to him on the inside, but these few things he'd let out in the months between him first sitting at our lunch table and now. There were over a dozen people at all seemed to hate him so intensely, just for being who he was. All for going to the police in order to prevent what was done to him from being done to anyone else by Erik.
I'm sorry, I went off-topic, I know.
I can never forgive myself for doing what I did to him in the courtyard. I keep pussy-footing around with the reason that I did what I did; I know exactly why.
I wanted to scare him off.
I wanted to scare him the fuck away from me because I wasn't sure if I was ready for the relationship, and didn't want to hurt him. The irony, right?
The irony in not wanting to hurt him but feeling the anger swell in my gut, forcing its way through my veins and into my arms, shoving him to the ground..
Fuck. I keep seeing him losing his balance when I pushed him and hearing that fucking sound of his skull hitting that slate over and over again...
I could practically feel it myself.
All I wanted to do was scream out "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" and pull him to his feet. I wanted to hold him tighter than ever and apologize and admit that I was just being an asshole, that I was scared and worried that I'd hurt him or someone else would hurt him if our relationship moved forward. That I wanted him so desperately.
I wanted to pull him back up and kiss him in front of the entire school; if I outed myself like that in front of everyone, there'd be no going back, right?
Then at least I'd be forced to proudly hold his hand in public. To be able to walk down the street, smiling at the paparazzi cameras snatching photos of us together. I wanted something with him so desperately, but was so immobilized by my upbringing that I just...
I ruined everything...
I had it all; I had him lying on his back on my bed consequentially making out with me for half an hour, despite the fact that I was higher than the blue mountains, despite the fact that my breath probably reeked of whiskey. His heart was practically in my hand; It was the most passionate, hungry kiss I'd ever felt. He seemed to pour everything out into that night; the way his arms found their way around my neck and his fingers ran through my hair. The way he ran the side of his foot slowly up and down the side of my calf... it was so much like a dream that the next morning I couldn't believe it had happened; it was only when Willy asked me how my night was with Friedrich with a cheeky grin that I realized it had actually occurred.
That it wasn't a dream, that it was simply just like one. That everything I had wanted had come to fruition.
It had validated [b][u]everything.[/u][/b]
And then I fucking destroyed it.
I crushed it to pieces in less than five minutes because, on the inside, I was still a little boy who couldn't handle commitment. A boy who was too scared that he might hurt the person he was falling for that he ended up hurting him more in the process of trying to scare him off.
I fucking took the golden challis that I'd been fucking given by god and slammed it into the ground, crushing it to pieces. And after that, despite all of the regret, despite all of the pain, I was too scared of how long it would take to pick up the pieces and put them back together that I wouldn't even bend down and begin the process.
I think it was the Saturday after that that things came to a proverbial head; I had spent the past three days playing tour-guide, drinking buddy and friend to a group of Americans whom had come to visit and see what our Academies were like. They were fucking exhausting me.
"I don't fucking understand how they can drink that much, Christoph!" I declared as I stepped out of my chauffeured car, closing the door behind me as I looked his way.
He held the side of his head and groaned as he nodded in agreement; "My fucking head hurts"
"Yeah, from trying to crush fourteen empty beer cans on your forehead!" I whipped back, laughing at his pain. All he could do was groan, though he did give off a bit of a smile.
I watched as the slick, black Mercedes SUV circled around once before pulling out of the parking lot in the front of the school. I looked over at Christoph and watched as he walked towards me.
"Fuckin drunks..." he muttered. All I could do was smile, despite everything that was on my mind.
We started our walk across the campus, first checking back in at the guard-post at the gate before wandering the long sidewalks for a decent amount of time chatting, eventually getting back to our dorm building.
"You wanna stop by my room for a drink?" I joked, watching as he glared intensely at me.
"I'll take that as a no then! You're still coming over though." I laughed, though he didn't seem to find it all that funny.
We walked the rest of our way to our down building in silence, the only sounds were our boots clicking against the slate and the occasional noise of Christoph's paper bag from the department store hitting the side of his leg. I swung the large wooden door of our dorm building opened and began the trek up to the top floor, trying to maintain the semblance of happiness I'd had that day.
I hadn't thought about Friedrich much that day; I was distracted, I suppose. Those American guys were fascinated with everything about the Academy, Konigsberg, and really our culture as a whole. I guess they'd taken a big dose of culture-shock walking through the tunnel from the airplane and into a massive airport built of marble and granite. I smiled widely at their faces as they got into the open-topped limousine and we drove down the long, main avenue through the city, huge flags waving on each side of the road.
"Its just those pictures they showed us in class" I remember one of them, I think named Mason, remarked.
I was half-way down the hallway headed towards my room before Christoph mounted the final stair and started following me down the hallway. As I reached the door, I smiled at my guard, Wilhelm, and spoke to him.
"How were things, Willy?"
"They were fine, sir." He replied, turning to me. I smiled, nodding as I held my wallet with the pass-card in it up to the sensor and waited for the long beep that would unlock the door. A few moments later, I had the door open and was about to step into my room as Willy spoke up again.
"Oh, Sir!" he declared, seemingly looking through his pockets for something.
"Hmm?" I questioned, looking at him curiously.
"Someone left a...there it is. Someone left a note for you" He remarked, searching his pockets until he pulled out what seemed to be a thrice-folded piece of yellow lined paper.
"Alright, do you know what its about?"
"No, I didn't ask."
"Who left it?"
"Uh" he seemed to be trying to remember "One of your friends."
I nodded, taking the paper and slipping it into the pocket of my tunic as I stepped through the door and walked into my room. Behind me walked Christoph, whom set his department-store bag down on the cherry-wood coffee table and slumped down into one of the reclining chairs.
"Soda?" I questioned.
"Sure" he groaned, rubbing his hands against his face.
I walked over to the fridge on the side of my living room and cracked it open, pulling out two Pepsis before walking back over to him. I dropped it in his lap and found my way over to my air-conditioner, cracking the temperature down even more.
"Getting hot out there" I remarked, cracking open my soda.
"It is June" he replied tiredly. I watched as he started to unbutton his tunic, and I followed suit, tossing it on the back of the couch before taking a seat. I unbuttoned my dress shirt and balled it up, setting it down on the couch next to me.
"So" he piped up, looking towards me. "Hows that whole thing with Friedrich going?"
I froze, sighing as I looked through him. I didn't want to fucking talk about that right now.
"Its.. going." I managed to get out.
"Any progress? You two go out on a date yet?"
"No. I don't really think we're meant to be together."
He fell silent, looking at me confused.
"Thats a big turn around from where you were with him a week ago. Something up?"
I looked at him and just sighed.
"I don't want to talk about it."
He shrugged me off and took a long swing from his can before pulling out his phone and started texting. Soon enough, I followed suit.
About ten minutes later, Christoph spoke up;
"So what was that note about?"
"Oh, thats right, forgot about that" I remarked. I pulled my jacket down onto my lap and pulled the paper out from its pocket before unfolding it.
It started with 'Commander Albrecht', and I could feel my heart drop from my ribs down into my gut. The handwriting was articulate and recognizable, but it seemed rushed. The ink was splotched innumerable times, like it had been held out under a rainstorm for a minute or two, and the paper had that distinct feeling of having dried off over time rather than hastily.
As I slowly read the letter, my heart began to shatter. I could feel everything in my body begin to give in; first my leg started to bounce up and down, then my hand started to shake as if I were an old man with Parkinson's, then my whole gut started to rattle.
"You have no reason to be sorry" I let out. I could feel Christoph's uneasy gaze, looking on me curiously at first, then worriedly as I continued down the letter.
Why did Friedrich write me all of this? Why was -he- sorry? It wasn't his fault, it was mine for fucks sake. I was the one who tried to scare -him- off, I was the one that pushed -him- over and could have killed him if his head landed a slightly different way, not the other way around for christ's sake.
I could feel my heart cracking more and more at every word I read.
"Why would I tell Coach Edgar you're sorry? Why can't you...?" I questioned. I looked up and watched as Christoph rose, walking over to me and standing by my side, reading the letter.
I wanted to hide it, but my hands just couldn't stop shaking.
What the hell was this about Friedrich? None of this was your fault!
I was about half-way down the letter when I think it finally hit me what this was;
A fucking suicide note.
"No..." I let out quietly, reading over the same line time and time again. I hadn't noticed that in the time between when I started to read the note and now, Drew had shown up in my room. By the time I did notice, he too was craning his head to peer over and read the letter my hands could barely hold onto.
"Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead...?" Drew spoke out questioningly, not understanding what it meant.
"Whats that mean?" He inquired.
I couldn't fucking say it.
I just fucking couldn't.
My breath grew heavy and irregular.
My head started to play all of the times we spent together over and over again like a movie screen, flipping through scene after scene. The time he desperately needed help on his rifle exam and I cheated to help him; it wasn't like it was much, it was just a simple step he'd forgotten, and it was probably my fault. I could tell he was put off by my wanting to sit next to him.
I just... thought it was a sign that he liked me and was uncomfortable because he wasn't sure how he'd act. I thought it meant that he wanted to watch himself so he'd look good in front of me. I didn't want him to act like that, but at the time I wasn't ready to reveal my emotions.
I wasn't even ready that night I got drunk and high and made out with him, but it was a huge sigh of relief when it finally happened. I didn't have to hide things anymore.
At least, that's what the 'high and drunk' me wanted. Not the sober part.
All those times when I'd stand by the ring watching him practice, his strength finally having a place to express himself. He was so fucking strong despite everything he'd been through, but so gentle when he wasn't in the ring...
That time we went up in the glider together; the way Siegfried distracted him long enough so that he'd end up at the end of the line and have no one to go up with but me. The way I ran those lines over and over again in my head when I knew the instructor would question why I was going up a second time.
That feeling when the wind 'shifted' and I was 'forced' to wrap my arms around him out of fear.
It wasn't fear. It was my heart seizing control for a moment and forcing me onto him. When I grabbed onto him, he held his breath and his heart rate went wild. I could see how wide he was smiling, but my brain took the controls back and made me pull off of him. I even let out the stupidest fucking lie I'd ever told; Don't tell my Girlfriend.
My girlfriend? What fucking girlfriend? I was about as gay as they came, at least here in Alte-Koniggratz. I wasn't the pride parade type, but I still...
FUCK.
THIS IS A FUCKING SUICIDE NOTE.
I shot up from my chair and raced across the room, practically yanking it off its hinges as I blitzed through it and grabbed Willy, yanking him into my room by his jacket and taking him by complete surprise.
"What time did Friedrich give this to you?" I yelled, practically knocking him to the ground as I shook him by his shoulders. He looked surprised and rose his wrist to look at his watch, fumbling with the time.
"Uh...uh... an hour ago?" He stuttered.
"FUCK" I screamed, looking over at Drew and Christoph, whom were in complete shock.
"What? What?" Drew questioned, looking at me exasperated.
"He's going to fucking kill himself!" I screamed. "All because of me! All because of the fucking stupid shit I'd done!"
"What did you do?" Christoph looked exasperatedly at me.
"I fucking tried to scare him off, I screamed at him and pushed him to the ground and told him it meant nothing to me and that I didn't want to see him ever again, and now he's going to fucking kill himself!"
"You WHAT?" Drew yelled back, rushing over to grab the note from me. He tried to pry it from my hands, but I just couldn't let go. I could feel every ounce of control I'd had over my body being drained out and I yelled at the letter, praying it somehow got back to him.
"I didn't mean it, I didn't fucking mean it Friedrich! I just... I was opening myself up to you and didn't want you to be disappointed!"
The fucking Irony.
I didn't want to hurt him. So instead, I drove him to suicide.
What kind of fucking Prince was I supposed to be? The Prince of Terror?
"He might not have done it yet" Christoph chimed up, starting to run out the door.
I don't think I'd run faster in my entire life. I practically jumped down eleven flights of stairs and slammed through the door of the building, racing towards his dorm building.
"Please no" I muttered out, trying to fight back the tears that were inevitably winning. I was across the campus and at the building I knew was his within a matter of minutes. I don't know how I even remembered what his room number was, but I was relatively sure it was #12. I raced past door after door, trying to find his room.
Where the fuck was it?
Why can't I fucking count properly?
No, that's number twenty two, you passed it you fucking jackass.
I raced back down the hallway again; 20, 18, 16, 14, 12.
12.
His room.
I stopped in front of it, my body freezing in place.
What if this was it?
What if I opened the door and he was lying on his bed, an empty bottle of pills lying next to him?
What if I swung the door open and ran through his room unable to find him, only to turn around and him him hanging by a noose from the back of the door?
What if... what if he slit his wrists? What if I found him lying in a pool of blood...?
I started to sob uncontrollably as I slammed my fists on his door, trying to talk through it.
"Friedrich, please, don't do it, please!"
I didn't care if I caught people's attention. It was Saturday anyway, there shouldn't really be anyone around.
Friedrich was always the only one around his building at this time on a weekend.
"Please" I cried out, finding myself slumping to my knees as I slammed my fists on his door. "Please, I didn't mean it!"
Drew and Christoph were both around me trying to force the door open as I slowly rose to my feet. I kept backing up and running sideways into the door to try and force it open.
"Friedrich, don't fucking do it!" Drew tried yelling through the keyhole.
"Can you see him?"
"Its too dark"
Then, suddenly, there was the distinct sound of a gunshot from his bedroom.
"NO!" I cried out. My knees turned limp, and I collapsed down onto them, all the color from my face washing away.
"He's gone..." I muttered between the dry heaving of my sobbing
"You fucking BASTARD!" Drew screamed, kicking the door.,
Everything slowed; my tears still rained down from my cheeks, my dry heaving still continued, but it all seemed to happen at a much slower pace.
I had driven him to shoot himself...
All of the shit he'd been through...
All of the shit that I had put him through. All of the lies I'd told myself that he'd be better off without me. All of the platitudes I'd spewed trying to drive him off and keep myself from cracking...
"Men in Alte-Koniggratz don't cry"
"You lead, and sometimes leaders must choose to send people to their death"
"Men make history, but we make the men"
My body just... gave up, including my head. The walls that I'd built to protect myself from this sort of thing had crumbled to pieces.
I had been such a fucking pussy that I'd driven him to fucking shoot himself...
I'd never get to see him again. I'd never get to hear his voice, his unmistakable laugh, his unusually witty sense of humor.
I'd never hear his boxing stories again.
I'd never get to cheer him on as he stood up for himself in the ring and beat his problems out on his opponents fair and square, instead of having to target them outside with a numerical advantage, like they did to him.
His deep, blue eyes that looked like warm pools of water.
He'd just... disappear into the potter's ground.
No trumpets. No honorary parade, no kettle drums. No wreaths.
I don't know what came over me, but I rose up suddenly, raising my leg and kicking the door straight where the knob was, and watched as the door flew open, the knob half-broken.
I rushed in, the other two following behind me. I don't know what I expected.
Blood everywhere, most likely. Maybe his brains splattered across the back wall.
I frantically ran my hand against the wall searching for the light and soon flipped it on, desperately looking across the room.
Sitting motionless on the bed was Friedrich's body.