I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't
Finn followed me closely up the stairs, not seeming the slightest bit anxious or afraid. It made me wonder if he was bored, too, trapped in the house with his mother, a man he was terrified of, and me. It wasn't like people weren't dying to see him, though. Almost every member of the Glee Club had called, but he had refused to come to the phone. My plan was to use today as a bit of a litmus test. If he did well with Tina and Mercedes, maybe we could try having a few more people come over. Matt and Mike were gentle and calm, but seeing them might remind him too much of Puck, and I just didn't want to open that particular can of worms.
I couldn't really ignore the fact that it was almost August, and school was going to start again at the end of September. Finn hadn't completed his sophomore year, but having him repeat it because he had missed the last two months was ridiculous considering the circumstances. Of course, if he couldn't talk or sit in a closed classroom, I guessed it was a moot point.
Finn drew behind me a bit when we reached the doorway, though his face didn't change. Now was probably not the time to remind him that it didn't really work like that, since he was at least 8 inches taller then I was and everyone could see him anyway. If he got a little bit of security and comfort from it, let him do it.
I was nervous as I opened the door, and I think the girls were, too. Usually they threw themselves inside, laughing and squealing about the latest bit of gossip, but now they were quiet and sweet, doing their best not to overwhelm Finn. Finally Tina broke the stalemate be reaching out to give him a hug, one that he softly returned. "I missed you, Finn."
He made the 'me, too' gesture at her. I started to translate, but it didn't turn out to be necessary. She reached up and brushed his hair with impossibly gentle fingers. "I like your hair a little long like this. It's kind of curly, right? I wish my hair would do that. Instead I have to spend all morning with the curling iron."
"You and me both." I started to steer us down to the basement, where we usually did our manicures. This was going rather well. The girls were behaving and Finn hadn't freaked out. "What I wouldn't give for just a little bit of body in mine, and instead it does nothing. Nothing! There is no justice in this world."
Finn was more then used to my dramatics at this point, so he didn't react at all to my shouting. Tina tugged him gently. "Are we doing your nails, too?"
There was no outright refusal, just a one-shouldered shrug. I interpreted that as he didn't really want his nails done, but he did want to stay with us. "You don't have to."
He still didn't give a yes or no, but he did follow us down and watch as I took out all of the supplies. Mercedes started lining up the colors and Tina snatched the black and silver. "How about these? They're masculine and they look really cool. It'll be just like when you were singing KISS." She showed him the bottles. "Black, silver, black, silver, or I could paint them one color and put a little swirl on them in the other."
Ok, even I thought that that sounded a little gay. Finn rolled his eyes then reached out to tap first one bottle then the other. Back and forth, back and forth. Tina laughed. "Ok, we alternate. Oh, and, no offence or anything, but I'm having Kurt do my nails instead of you. I do not trust those huge hands to hold that tiny little polish brush."
She sat down on the floor and patted the rug across from her. "Come on, you have to soak your hands first."
Looking stunned, Finn sat down where she had indicated and allowed her to put his hands in the small bowl. "You shouldn't bite your nails, you know. It's a gross habit."
I was half paying attention to them and half paying attention to Mercedes and her nails. As afraid as I had been about how the day would go, I had to admit that Tina was doing great with Finn. Maybe it was because she was so shy herself, but she didn't seem to have any trouble prattling on to him, always leaving a pause where he could say something if he wanted to, but never letting it drag out until it became an awkward silence. She even asked him questions, but didn't make up an answer for him when wouldn't speak to her.
See, that's what you're supposed to be doing. Look how happy he looks. Maybe you could ask her for some tips.
Finn did look happy. For once, someone was talking to him about things he liked, like video games (and who would have thought that Tina would play Call of Duty?) and the new pizza place that had opened out by the mall that had slices as big as your head, and the fact that she and Artie were dating again and did Finn think that the boy should always pay for things, or was it alright for the girl to sometimes? Or did that take away Artie's man card or some ridiculous thing like that?
I stayed on hand to interpret Finn's responses, but neither one of them needed me. Finn was able to clearly express that, in his opinion; the girl could pay, too, without it being an issue. She nodded and shook the little bottles. "I thought so. I'm telling him that you say so, and you're a guy so you know things."
He gave her one of those soundless laughs and held his hands out for polish. I felt the familiar surge of jealousy as I wondered why it was that Finn seemed to prefer Tina, or really everyone else, to me.
He doesn't. He laughs for you, too, and he's watching you now. Oh, for Gods sake, Kurt, don't look over there! Really? Has no one taught you how to be subtle when you check someone out?
That was rather insulting, considering how well I had done with subtly checking Finn out for the past year and a half. I lowered my eyes, pretending to focus on Mercedes and her nails, then flicked my gaze in Finn's direction. Sure enough, he kept glancing over, as though he had to make sure I wasn't about to disappear on him.
In the end, I had to admit that Finn's new nails did give off a kind of a rock star vibe. He seemed impressed with them as well, and told Tina so in gestures. She blew him a kiss. "Thank you."
He looked confused, so she repeated the gesture. "It's how you say 'thank you' in sign language. At least I think that's what you were trying to tell me."
It apparently was, because he repeated the gesture several more times, giving her a dazzling smile. If I had known that it would make him that happy, I would have gotten the sign language book before then. Tina gave Finn another hug, then looked over at me. "Are you two almost finished? I have to go to the doctor today for my physical; otherwise I can't do Glee next year. Apparently singing is so stressful that I might have a heart attack while doing it."
It was the first time that Glee, or even the upcoming school year had been brought up in front of Finn. He stood up and went over to his side of the room, rummaging around for something. Tina was horrified. "Finn! You're going to mess up your nails!"
He found what he was looking for, which was his notebook and delicately lifted a pen off of the nightstand. He scrawled quickly and offered the notebook over to Tina. She read it out loud. "How's Mr. Shue?"
He nodded. "Oh, he's good. He's missed you a lot, so if you want to see him I'm sure he'd come over. Or we can go over to his place; it's kind of become the Glee hang out. You know, since his wife is gone."
Finn cocked his head at her, but didn't give an indication either way. She shrugged. "You can think about it and let Kurt know, he's got Mr. Shue's number, too."
Tina wanted her nails dark blue, nearly black and I busied myself painting them. Mercedes and Finn crowded in to watch, but she didn't actually make any effort to speak to him and he ignored her like she wasn't even present. It bothered her, but Finn tended to treat everyone like that these days. Unfortunately, there was no way for me to tell her that right in front of him.
Such a dark color required at least three coats to look nice, and Finn started nodding off somewhere around the second one. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing. He looked so miserable, with his chin almost to his chest and his eyes glazed over. But he was actually falling asleep, which meant he did trust us to do anything to him while he was resting. That was progress, right?
Or he's so tired that he's passing out on his feet.
I wished that that voice would just go away. Tina followed me eyes over to Finn and saw what I did. "Are you tired?"
He nodded. "Are you having trouble sleeping?" She didn't look at him when she talked, but I knew that she was totally focused on his answer. "Because I get the worst insomnia sometimes, and it totally sucks to not be able to fall asleep."
Finn's face was a mask of sympathy when he nodded at her. "I never had nightmares or anything, I just had trouble falling asleep, and then I would wake up a bunch of times and not be able to settle down again."
Another enthusiastic nod, complete with gestures that indicated he had the same problem. Tina was good at getting him to communicate. "Did the doctor send you home with anything to help?"
The doctor hadn't sent anything, because Finn hadn't been showing sleeping problems then, and he was simply refusing to leave the house now. "They didn't send him with anything."
Finn shot me a look that said I was infringing on his conversation. I shot my bitchiest one back and he smiled a bit. I was surprised at how normal it felt. Like Finn and I still had a special connection, even after everything that had happened.
"You should try melatonin. It worked really well for me and you don't need a prescription or anything. You can get it at Walgreens."
Finn looked interested, so she continued. "It's just a little pill that you take 20 minutes before you want to lay down, and it makes it easier for you to fall asleep."
I had never heard of something like that, but Tina seemed pretty sure of herself. "What are you two doing tonight?"
"Nothing. We kind of have a small social life these days." I tried not to sound resentful, because I really wasn't, and it wasn't like getting to spend more time with Finn was terrible or anything.
"How about we come back after my appointment, then? You and Mercedes can do whatever it is you do, and Finn and I can play video games. I can even bring a pizza from that new place. How does that sound, Finn?"
He jumped to his feet and bolted up the stairs before any of us could even consider stopping him. Tina shot me a dismayed look. "I'm sorry, Kurt, I didn't mean to upset him."
"I know. It's kind of hard to tell what does and does not upset him lately." I stood up. "Let me go track him down and make sure he's ok. Tina, do not smudge those nails."
As it turned out, I didn't need to go very far. Finn came screeching around the corner of the kitchen and almost knocked me back down the steps. "Whoa, Cowboy." I put my hand on his chest, and was pleased when he didn't try to sidestep me.
He was clutching what looked like a DVD case to his chest, but I couldn't tell which one it was. "Are you ok? You bolted on us."
A quick nod. He held the DVD out, and I could see that it wasn't a DVD at all, but the video game I had bought him. "Oh, you went to get this to show Tina?" That made sense. Not everything Finn did these days was the result of having been kidnapped. Sometimes he was just a 16 year old boy whose body worked faster then his brain did.
He put a hand to his mouth, then blew me a kiss. My heart stuttered to a stop, before I realized that he was repeating Tina's gesture from earlier. He was thanking me, not coming on to me. "Thank you? For the game?"
It was one single gesture, but it was more then that, too. It was a way for him to communicate with perfect clarity, even if he wasn't ready to speak yet. I made a mental note to a book as quickly as possible, so he could learn more. Even if the therapist could get him talking quickly, it never hurt to have a back up plan.
Tina was suitably impressed with the game, gushing excitedly while he smiled at her. Mercedes cut her eyes in their direction. "This is going pretty well." Her voice was a soft whisper.
"Better then I expected. I think he's bored being here, but he refused to so much as set foot outside the front door."
"Do you blame him? If the same thing that had happened to him happened to me, I would never leave the house again either"
I didn't say anything else, because there was a chance that both Finn and Tina could overhear us, and what I needed to say was private. "Are you coming back with Tina?"
"If you like. But I am not playing video games, got it?" Her eyes cut quickly to me, telling me that she understood what I wasn't saying. She and I could talk while Tina kept Finn distracted with video games.
Tina held up her hand. "Before we get too excited, let me call my parents. They're kind of old fashioned, and they don't like me staying too late at a boys house."
"Tell them that both my father and Finn's mother will be home all evening, and that they are welcome to speak to both of them." The tension in the house had faded noticeably with both girls here, and I wasn't eager to have them leave.
We all watched as she pulled her phone out and dialed. "Hey, Mom, it's me. Would it be ok if I went back to Kurt and Finn's after my physical and had dinner with them?...We're going to pick up pizza….no, both parents will be here and Mercedes will be, too….because it's a Glee thing, Mom…Ok, fine." She put a hand over the receiver. "She wants me to talk to my Dad."
Both Finn and I were staring, because this was fascinating. My father would have already given me the go ahead, and Carole would be demanding to talk to the parents in the house. Finn looked especially interested, and I was getting the impression that he was taking a lesson in playing one parent off the other. Of course, playing my father would involve actually interacting with the man, something that hadn't happened yet.
"Hi, Daddy. Look, I'm having a great time over at Finn and Kurt's house. Would it be alright if I stayed for dinner?...Yes, both of their parents will be there. Finn's Mom is upstairs right now if you want to talk to her….Finn has great games for the X-box….really, he did?...yeah, we're still dating, but I'm upset with him right now….because he's a misogynistic jerk, that's why….I know, at least Finn and Kurt know how to treat a girl like a lady…No, Daddy, they aren't…Daddy! No!...Thank you, Daddy, I love you! Ok, by 11. Bye, Daddy."
She snapped the phone shut with a smug smile. "Daddy says I can stay."
I wondered if two X chromosomes would allow me to manipulate my father like that. I also wondered what her father had asked about Finn and I. Finn gave her a high five, obviously pleased with the outcome. She prattled on at him for a few more minutes, before he invited her upstairs to come look at something. She went easily, leaving Mercedes and I alone. I released a soft breath, squeezing my eyes shut to release the tension.
"Kurt?" Mercedes sounded concerned, and make myself look at her, one eyebrow raised. One arm wound itself around my neck, and I leaned into her. "Are you spending all day long with Finn?"
What sort of question was that? Of course I was spending all day with Finn, otherwise he wouldn't have any company when Carole was at work. Plus, I didn't want him out of my sight for even a minute. That man, the one who had taken him the first time, was still out there, and no one seemed to know where. "Yes."
"Baby, that's not good. I know you love him, and you want him to be safe, but you can't do this to yourself. It's wearing you down."
"No, it isn't." I'm never sure why I try and argue with Mercedes. "It's fine, Finn's fine, I'm fine. Just drop it Mercedes."
"None of those things are true. Finn isn't fine and even a blind man could see it, so don't pretend that he is. This situation isn't fine, because it's so messed up. And, Kurt? You aren't fine either. I know you love Finn, but you aren't his caretaker. If he really needs 24 hour supervision, then a professional needs to be the one doing it."
She was just trying to help, but she didn't understand at all. I had to take care of Finn, because I owed him, plain and simple. If it hadn't have been for me, Carole would have never let him leave the house that night, so I was the one who had driven him from the house that night and right into his kidnappers arms. "He doesn't need a professional, he needs his family!" My voice was low, so as not to alert Tina and Finn, but I still felt like I was screaming. "He just needs a little time, then everything can go back to normal."
I had no idea why I kept insisting that, since even I didn't believe it, but I did. "He's really no trouble at all, anyway. Mostly we just watch a few movies and hang around, then Carole comes home and he goes with her. It's not like he needs me to do anything for him except make lunch and he could probably do that on his own. I just don't want him eating a half dozen Twinkies and calling it good."
Her look was so full of pity that it was painful. "Kurt, I'm only saying this because I love you, and please don't take it the wrong way, but have you considered some therapy for the rest of the family? Finn's suffered the most, no one's saying that he hasn't, but the rest of you are suffering, too. You're planning your life around his, and that just isn't healthy."
"I'm not. It's only been a few days, Mercedes, I think that I can give him that much." She and I had never fought like this before and my stomach clenched at the thought that I might lose her tonight. But Finn came first. He had to, right?
"There've been three sales in the past week, and you haven't gone to any of them. If Finn really doesn't need that much, then it should be fine for you to come out for a few hours."
She had me trapped and we both knew it. Her fingers stroked through my hair. "Please, Kurt. It's not that I don't think you should help Finn, but you can't make yourself sick doing it. You have so many other people who love Finn, and would be willing to help out if you would just ask for it. He already trusts you, but he needs to know that it's still ok to trust the rest of us, that we won't hurt him. He'll never try if you're always right there"
I held my breath for a few seconds, just so I wouldn't start crying. She was right, of course. Finn was starting to become dependant on me to keep him safe and interpret his gestures, and that wasn't a good thing. "It's just too soon. You and Tina are the first people he's seen outside the family, and even though it's going well, it's hard to tell with Finn. Dad yelled at the TV two nights ago and Finn wouldn't come out from the basement for the rest of the night. It took two hours for Carole to even get him out from underneath the covers. Finn wasn't even sitting in the living room to start with; he was in the kitchen with me." I decided not to mention the fact that Carole had only been able to pry the covers out from his grip because she sat with him long enough, singing lullabies and rubbing his back through the heavy comforter, that he fell asleep. I shared all of my secrets with Mercedes, but that didn't give me permission to share all of Finn's.
"It's not going to help anyone, including Finn, if you have a nervous breakdown." She was backing off and I could tell. "Just know that it's alright to ask for help. Tina and Finn are doing just fine together; she could play games with him for a few hours. I mean, you would just be a phone call away."
I shook my head, even though I wanted nothing more then to have Finn be someone else's responsibility for a while. In my heart, buried down so deeply I had trouble acknowledging that it was even there, I did kind of resent Finn at the moment. He was getting 99% of Carole's attention, and at least 80% of my fathers, which was rich, considering that Finn had made it abundantly clear that he wished the man would burn in the deepest pit of Hell. Shit, he was even getting about 90% of my attention these days, to the point where I had missed sales for him.
And did he care? No. Sure, he seemed happy enough, contented to have someone to sit with, and make him lunch. But did he care that it was me, and about the sacrifices I was making to toast him a grilled cheese sandwich? Hardly. With all of the love and attention he was getting, he should have been better by now. Maybe not talking, but at least making noises or writing consistently. Doing something to communicate his needs, since all of us jumped any time he indicated wanting something. He should act less like he was trapped in his own world, and more like he had rejoined us in ours.
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough…
The words were sung softly and mockingly in the back of my brain, making me wonder where that song had even come from. The melody was kind of familiar, but I couldn't recall having ever heard the words before. Still, it had the desired effect of making me feel ashamed of myself. Whatever Finn had suffered, I would guarantee that it was worse then missing a few sales.
"Let's see how the rest of tonight goes, and we'll go from there." Even though I wanted to, I could never express any of my resentments or doubts to Mercedes. For four months, I had prayed to get Finn back, and now I was complaining? It didn't exactly reflect well on me.
"Ok. You know that I'm here for you, for both of you, but mostly you, whenever you need me right?" She squeezed my shoulders and I nodded.
See, someone loves you best, Kurt. You're more important to Mercedes then Finn is, and, honestly, I'm not seeing anything she said that's wrong. What happened to Finn isn't your fault, and everyone but you knows it. Also? A little therapy wouldn't hurt you. Finn's going, Carole goes, it might help you and your father, too.
That was something to think about later. "Thanks, Mercedes."
"No problem. Now, it's almost time for me to take Tina to her appointment, but we'll be back in a few hours. You're sure that this is alright with your parents?"
"They're both at work, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Anything to make Finn happy." I was proud of the fact that my voice neither shook nor sounded resentful.
"We'll call when we're ready then and we can discuss pizza toppings. Am I correct in assuming that Finn will eat anything that isn't running away from him?"
"Pretty much. Oh, no, wait, he won't eat…." Come on, think. "Peppers. He won't eat green peppers."
"Ok, we'll call. Is there anything else that I can pick up for you two? Anything at all?"
Not unless she could give Finn a brain transplant so he started acting more normal. "I don't think so. Thank you for offering, though."
She patted me one more time and stood up. "Things will get better. Maybe not great, and maybe not like they were, but they'll get better, I promise."
I'll be home around 1 to watch a movie with you Kurt, I promise. Seems to me that promises are made to be broken. But maybe things don't need to be like they were. Maybe they can be better.
I shivered slightly at that thought, but put on my happy face for Mercedes. "Give me a call."
She went upstairs, calling for Tina, and shouting a goodbye to Finn. I cleaned up the manicure supplies, waiting for my shadow to reappear. Sure enough, he was back within a minute, sitting down on the bed and looking at me curiously.
My resentment boiled up. "What? I'm not your entertainment." The words came out harsher then I had intended them to, and Finn flinched.
I sighed. "I'm sorry, Finn, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just…I guess I'm not sleeping very well, either and it's making me cranky."
He nodded, his face a mask of sympathy. Then he picked up the video game off the bed and shook it at me, telling me that he was going to go upstairs and play, and I could stay downstairs until my tantrum was over. Well, I may have added that last part on myself, but he was probably thinking it.
For the past week and a half, Finn had been almost constantly in someone's sight, usually mine. It was odd not to look over and see him sitting there; waiting for something I had no idea how to give him.
Still, the privacy was nice, and I took a long shower, running out all the hot water and not caring. Dad and Carole wouldn't be home until much later, and Finn had already taken his shower. It was nice to be able to do all of the routines that I had been neglecting recently. By the time I finished and bounced out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, nearly two hours had passed and I was feeling much better. I did my face, then slipped on a clean pair of pajama pants and an old T-shirt of my fathers. I would dress up when the girls came back.
Finn was still enthralled with his video game, but he did look over and point to the coffee table. I looked, and found a sandwich sitting on a plate. No mayo, sensible amount of meat, plenty of heart healthy veggies… "Is this for me?"
He nodded and paused his game, going into the kitchen and returning with a glass of milk and some fruit. "Be still my heart. Finn Hudson, you actually do know how to put together a sandwich that doesn't cause an immediate cardiopulmonary event! Thank you."
His expression suggested that the words 'thank you' and 'sandwich' were the only part of that comment that he understood, but he smiled anyway. Then he was right back to playing his game, blowing things up and doing other masculine things.
I had to admit that Finn was doing a pretty good job of proving Mercedes' point, even if he didn't realize it. He could make his own lunch, and mine, too, and he didn't seem overly distressed about my long shower. In fact, he appeared perfectly happy. Maybe he didn't need me as much as I liked to think that he did.
"So, it was nice to see the girls, wasn't it?" A quick nod. "Mercedes said that Mr. Shue's been asking about you pretty much since you got back. Would you like him to come over and visit?"
This was actually something I was quite curious about. Was it all men that freaked Finn out now, or was there something about my father specifically? Finn was closer to Mr. Shue then he was to Dad (thank God, Dad has a son and he doesn't need another one right now), so maybe it would be alright.
Finn thought about that for a second, chewing on his lip and bombing a few enemy settlements or whatever they were. Then he nodded, though not as enthusiastically as I would have expected. I tried to help him out. "You don't have to if you don't want to. We can go at your pace."
His head shook once, and he went back to playing, but even I could tell that it wasn't the same. He played by rote, without the joy that had lifted him up just a few seconds ago. "So, should I tell him that tomorrow's ok?"
A disinterested shrug. Finn's eyes were downcast, like he expected something bad to happen, but there was a spark of hope in them, too. And the boy claimed that I gave off conflicting signals! At least he used to. "I'm going to call him now, so if it's not ok, you need to let me know."
He didn't even look up this time, so I shrugged and dialed the phone. It rang a few times, and as out of it as Finn was pretending to be, I knew that he was paying very close attention. For a minute, I thought I was going to have to leave a message, but then Mr. Shue picked up. "This is Will Shuester."
"Hi, Mr. Shue, it's Kurt." I made my voice be steady and calm, like I wasn't about to ask my teacher to be a guinea pig in my experiment to see whether or not Finn flipped out upon seeing him.
"Well, hello, Kurt, what can I do for you?" His voice relaxed, and I wondered who had had expected would be calling.
"Finn wants to see you, but he's having a little issue with leaving the house right now, so I was wondering if you would come over to visit tomorrow? Just for a little while." I was as close to pleading as I ever allowed myself to get with an adult.
"Of course. Can Finn come to the phone, or is he still not in the talking mood?"
The soft awkwardness of the question made me smile a little. He was trying so hard not to come out as nosy or accusing. "He's still not in the mood. But he's very eager to see you, so can I call you back a little later when we have more time to talk. Little rabbit and big ears if you get my drift." I was hoping that he would pick up on the fact that I didn't want to talk in front of Finn.
"Of course. I'll be home all evening, so you know where to reach me. Kurt, is this going to be ok?"
"I hope so." There wasn't much else for me to say, but I could at least hope. A hand nudged my arm and Finn made a few gestures that I couldn't understand. "Hang on a minute, Mr. Shue. What Finn?"
More gestures and Finn was starting to look like he wanted to cry. "I don't understand, Cowboy." Had I really just slipped up and called him that? Why? I hadn't even called him that in my mind since he had disappeared.
"Look, Mr. Shue, I have to go. Finn needs something and I can't figure out what it is. I'll call you tomorrow morning."
This was why I didn't want to leave Finn with someone else. I was used to his needs, and even I couldn't figure out what he wanted right now. I fought the urge to shake him and snap 'talk!' "Can you just write it?"
He blew out a breath that was really just a puff of air and turned back towards the kitchen, finding a sharpie and a piece of paper, his hands shaking as he scrawled a question. DOES HE HATE ME?
Of all the things I thought Finn might want, that hadn't been one of them. "Does he…Mr. Shue? Why would he hate you?" Though it did explain the worried look from earlier.
CUZ I FUCKED IT UP. WE LOST SECTIONLES BECUZ I WASNT THERE.
That broke my heart. Did Finn really feel guilty because he had gotten himself kidnapped and we had missed a singing competition? That didn't even register on the grand scale of things. "No, he doesn't hate you. He knows that you didn't want to go, and there's always next year, right?" I wished the Carole was here to explain this to Finn, or actually that anyone besides me was here to do it. Finn was the people person, the one who knew how to make things ok. I just didn't have the people skills that he did.
But you do love him. All he wants right now if for someone to tell him that it's not his fault that the Glee Club got screwed. It's nothing to you, but everything to him. He needs to know no one blames him for anything. Everything about his disappearance is confusing for him right now, and he doesn't know what to do.
"None of what happened was your fault, ok? Mr. Shue doesn't hate you and neither does anyone else." My voice was shaking now, and I knew that he was reading more about me then I wanted him to.
Then the moment was over and Finn was back to his normal self. He picked the paper up and took it away, acting like he had never been worried at all. He always took the paper he had written on with him, then shredded it and either tossed it or flushed it down the toilet. It was like he couldn't stand for any of us to know that he could still write or even communicate at all.
Finn didn't come back, and when I peeked in on him, he was lying quietly on the bed, though not asleep. When he was asleep, he wasn't that still, though he was every bit as silent. I left him to it, figuring that he would either get up when Mercedes and Tina came back or he wouldn't, but I didn't have the energy to fight with him about it.
While I was waiting for something, anything to happen, I googled melatonin to see if it could do what Tina claimed it could. It certainly sounded promising, and it was all natural, so I didn't have to worry about what sort of side effects it might cause.
Napalm is natural, too. But go ahead and try. It won't hurt him, and God knows neither one of you can take too many more nights of broken sleep.
Once again, I chose to ignore that voice and called Carole instead. She answered on the first ring, even though I'm pretty sure that she isn't supposed to carry a cell phone when she's on duty. "What's wrong?"
I felt a little guilty when I realized that I had probably scared her by calling in the middle of the day. "Nothing. We had a good visit with Tina and Mercedes and Finn's lying down right now. I just wanted to let you know that the girls are coming back over, and they're bringing a pizza, so you and Dad don't have to worry about dinner. Maybe you two could go on a date or something."
She was very quiet, and I wondered what she was thinking. "Do you think it will be alright?"
"I hope you mean that you're worried about Finn's reactions, rather then my ability to act like a reasonable adult when having friends over, whether or not I have supervision."
I could almost hear her smile through the phone. "I worry about both. You're a very mature young man, but I remember what it's like to be 17. Foolish choices get made all the time. But, as long as it's just Mercedes and Tina, and you agree to call me if anything, and I mean anything starts to get out of hand, then I guess it's alright with me. Your father and I need a little break. But, Kurt? I'm trusting you to take care of Finn, here, please don't let me down."
It felt strange, the amount of trust that she was putting in me. Sure, Dad trusted me to behave myself, but Carole was trusting me with Finn, and being allowed to take care of another person was a whole different ballgame. "I won't. I'm sure Finn will be fine as long as you're home to tell him goodnight. He and Tina like the same sort of video games, so he probably won't even notice you're gone."
She laughed, and it was progress, even if it was a strange, brittle, sound. "He does tend to go a little deaf when he's playing. The two of you have my permission to have guests, and I'll take care of your father."
"Thank you, Carole. I…I love you." I rushed the words out as quickly as I could, before I could wuss out.
"I love you too, baby. We won't be out too late, and please call us if there are any problems."
She was calling me by pet names again, and I was embarrassed that I responded like a wiggly little puppy that was eager for a treat. "I will."
Finn was still quiet down in the basement, so I wasted some time playing around on the internet, studying various fashion collections and chatting with Mercedes online. Finally, he appeared, looking perfectly normal, as if he might start telling me all about football at any moment. "Hey."
For a minute, I thought that he might say something back, just like I always did when I first saw Finn, but he didn't. He just leaned over my shoulder so he could see the screen and made a face at the more outlandish choices. "Don't knock it just because you can't match yourself. This is high fashion, Finn."
He pointed at the price, then rolled his eyes. "Quality costs."
One eyebrow quirked, as if he didn't quite believe me, but there was no way for me to explain why anyone would want to wear pants that were barely held together by safety pins and consisted more of strategically placed holes then material. You either got it or you didn't. The pants also came with an $1800 price tag, which nearly gave Finn some sort of epileptic fit.
Luckily, the phone rang before I drove us both into complete frustration by trying to elucidate the differences between the different fabrics, and why exactly having a name, or even a few letters, on the label made all the difference. Tina's voice crackled over the line. "Are we still good for tonight?"
I looked over at Finn, who was still studying the computer with a dumbfounded look on his face. "Tina wants to know if we're still on."
He nodded distractedly. "We are. The background noise leads me to believe that you're getting pizza right now?"
"I am. Do you have cokes at the house, or should I get some of those, too?"
"We have soda. We have more soda then any five families need, thanks to Finn and Dad." There was no nutritional value in soda, and it destroyed your bones. But Finn would drink it without a fight, and we were doing everything possible to make things easy on him.
"Ok, tell him that we're on our way!"
I relayed the message back to Finn, who bounced up and into the living room so he could set the gaming system up. By the time the girls got there, he was ready. Tina gave him another hug, which he sank into gratefully. She held up the pizza and a small green bottle. "This is the melatonin; take it 20 minutes before bed, no sooner. Kurt is too little to carry you off to bed."
The bottle was passed over to me, and I put it on top of the fridge. "Thank you, Tina, if this works it will help us both quite a bit. Finn." I nudged him sharply and he signed a quick 'thank you' of his own.
We all grabbed slices, and settled in the living room, Mercedes and I on the couch, Finn and Tina in front of the X-box. They started a game between bites, and lost touch with reality shortly thereafter. Mercedes and I watched for a while, but it quickly became clear that we shouldn't expect to so much as be acknowledged, so we retreated back downstairs to gossip.
I was still blotting my pizza when Mercedes started. "So, how did the rest of the afternoon go? Did he hold it together?"
"Kind of. He made me lunch, which was sweet, and he played games for a while by himself. But then he went downstairs and just laid there, so I think he was more stressed out then he wanted to let me know."
"Everyone keeps asking me about him, but I don't know what to say." She sipped her diet coke.
"You and everyone else. Mr. Shue's going to come by tomorrow, and if it goes well, maybe we can try easing him back into Glee stuff. It's going to be really hard for him, but it's going to be worse if we just throw him into school without it." I tried to sound more confident then I felt.
"He's going to get better, right? I mean, he won't be like this forever?" She was asking the questions that I was afraid to.
"He'll get better." My voice was unusually soft, and I knew that she was reading the lie. "He's better now then he was a week ago, and this therapist will work for him. It has to." Otherwise I didn't know what our family was going to do.
My pizza suddenly looked less appealing then ever. "Can we not talk about Finn right now? It's…it's just too much."
"Of course." That was the nice thing about Mercedes. She knew when to just let it go. "At least we should be grateful that Rachel's fathers decided to have her join them in France. It's so much quieter at Glee get togethers right now."
Glee get togethers that I wasn't going to, but desperately wanted to present at. "I'll bet that they aren't shopping at all."
"Probably not. I mean, I don't know that you can even find sweaters with animals on them in Paris." She was teasing me now, and it felt good.
"I'm sure Rachel Berry could manage." If there was one hideous outfit in all of France, she would zero in on it.
"So, did you hear about Santana and Brit? Coach Sylvester caught them screwing around in the locker room, and made them run laps naked for punishment. Jacob Ben Israel about had a stroke."
If Finn had known that that was happening, I might have been able to get him out of the house. Actually, I probably wouldn't have been able to catch him as he was speeding towards the school.
You aren't supposed to be thinking about Finn.
I was always thinking about Finn. Still, I pushed him to the back of my mind, talking instead about the upcoming year and what I was going to wear the first day of school and whether or not I was going back to the Cheerios. It felt strange to have it be all about me for once. Strange, but good.
Time flew, and, suddenly, Tina was at the top of the stairs, telling us that she needed to leave if she was going to get home by curfew. I couldn't believe that over 5 hours had passed, and I hadn't so much as thought about Finn. Guilt bubbled up in my chest, but, when Finn appeared behind Tina, he certainly didn't look like he had suffered for lack of attention. In fact, he was flushed and delighted looking, just like he got when he used to play with Puck.
"Ok, ok." Mercedes stood up and gave me a hug. "Remember what I told you, and you will be shopping with us next week. Finn is welcome to come along." Her voice was too soft to carry up the stairs.
Tina raced down the steps to give me a kiss. "Bye, Kurt, I had a blast!" I hugged her tightly, trying to thank her for everything she had done for Finn today.
On her way out, she gave Finn a hug and kiss also. "Rematch?" He nodded and squeezed her gently, which made me feel a little bit jealous. He seemed as happy with her as he was with me, and Tina wasn't the one almost breaking her neck in the mornings because he didn't properly clean the bathroom floor.
We both saw the girls off, even though Finn was very careful not to step over the doorway. He waved happily to them, even though I could see him trying to cover a yawn. I raised an eyebrow. "Tired?"
He nodded. "Ok, let's see how these pills are supposed to work" I scooped the bottle up and read it quickly. "Just one? Ok, I guess." I warmed some milk in the microwave, which always helped me calm down. "Take and drink, then go lay down."
If he's not good at anything else (other then singing, picking terrible girlfriends and turning me on), Finn is good at following instructions. "I'm going to clean up here, then I'll come down."
It took more then a half hour to clean, 25 minutes of that in the living room. God, how had Finn and Tina made such a mess when they were supposed to be focused on the television? His terrible habits must rub off.
I wasn't tired yet, and when I looked downstairs, Finn was asleep, so I stretched out on the living room couch and watched a few episodes of La Femme Nikita, one of my guilty pleasures. Finn would probably be thrilled to watch with me, considering that there were plenty of shootouts and scantily clad women, but this was something I did alone.
By the time the last episode finished, it was nearly 2 in the morning and I was falling asleep on the couch. Much to my surprise, Finn hadn't made his nightly trek upstairs. Sure enough, when I went downstairs, he was still asleep, breathing steady and deep. Whatever was in those pills, it had worked.
I kept one eye on him while I undressed; noticing that he seemed more relaxed in general. Usually he curled up into a tight ball, twitching and jerking at the smallest noise. Now he was sprawled out on his stomach, snoring softly.
It usually took a while for me to fall asleep, so I was still awake when Finn did something I never thought he would. He whined, soft and restless, rolling from side to side and kicking the covers away. Then he talked. "Stop." The fear in his voice caused a shiver to run up and down my spine. "No, don't. Don't!" The last one was almost a yell.
I waited, trembling under the covers, but he just rolled over and went back to sleep, his breathing growing even again almost immediately. Looking over at him in the dark, I wondered if we had ever really gotten Finn back at all, or if the biggest part of him was still lost somewhere in New Mexico.