Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.
Tori Amos
The next morning, Finn didn't show any signs that he even remembered having a restless night; much less that he had been traumatized by it. Actually, he seemed happier then I had seen him yet. Having almost 10 uninterrupted hours of sleep had done him a world of good, and he was being very sweet, at least to Carole and me. Dad was already gone, something at always put Finn in a better humor, and he happily helped Carole make pancakes.
Normally, I would have turned the pancakes down, especially since I had eaten that horrendously fattening pizza the night before, but Finn was decorating his to look like Mickey Mouse, not only with the ears, but with artfully arranged chocolate chips to darken the right parts. Carole was reminding him to stop before there was more chocolate then pancake, and he was flipping his free hand at her in a 'yeah, yeah, yeah,' gesture. They looked close, like a perfect mother and son pair, and I wanted desperately to be part of that. So I held out my plate and swore that I would run later today.
Finn pulled his chair around to settle next to me at the table, instead of taking his usual place across. I wondered what he meant when he did that, if anything. It was hard to tell, considering that he w as more interested in drowning his pancakes in maple syrup then he was in acknowledging that I was there, eating with him.
"So, what are your plans for today?" Carole never stopped talking to Finn, even though he had yet to show her that he could talk back. I wondered if I should tell her about last night or not.
"Mr. Shue is coming over later to see Finn, then I don't know. Maybe we'll go to the park."
That earned me an incredulous look from both Finn and his mother. We all knew that Finn wouldn't leave the house. I tried to make it sound like a perfectly natural thing. "Finnegan, you're about to grow mold being in this house all day every day. It will be fun."
He shrugged and went back to breakfast, wolfing it down in big bites. "You don't have to if you don't want to, Sweetie." Carole sounded nervous.
Watching them, I realized that this was exactly what Mercedes had been trying to tell me last night. Finn didn't leave the house, because he didn't have to. We loved him, yes, but we were stunting him at the same time. The more we fawned, and told him that it was alright, and babied him, the more we told him that we knew he couldn't do it on his own. I poked him under the table. "Yes you do. We'll go to the park that has the ice cream truck and you can get something filled with dye and empty sugar, but you're going Finn Hudson. Then we're off to the bookstore to get a few things, and you and I are going to work on your school work. You need to buck up, or you're going to repeat the year."
His eyes cut in my direction and he smiled slightly. It was a cute smile, a gentle one. Then he nodded. "Good, we're on the same page. I will be choosing your outfit for the day, because I refuse to be seen with you in public looking like Abercrombie and Fitch threw you up."
Carole looked suitably impressed with me. "Ok, then. Kurt, I'll leave some money for both of you. And Finn? You have my credit card for books and only books. That does not include comics or anything from the café, got it?"
He held up two fingers in a 'scouts honor' gesture. She snorted. "Uh-huh. Kurt, watch him. I'll have my cell on if you need me."
"We won't." I had to sound perfectly confident, and hopefully Finn would draw courage from it.
"Alright then. I expect both of you back by 4, because I work the short shift today and I'm making dinner. Finn, dishes. And just tossing them in the dishwasher doesn't make them clean. They have to be rinsed first." She came over and kissed the top of his head, then paused and kissed mine, too. "You boys have fun."
She was anxious, I could tell, but she must have known that Finn would be safe in my care. Finn stood and gave her a kiss, which was a little sloppy with syrup, but appreciated none the less. "I'll see you tonight. Do not fill up on junk food."
Finn smiled and waved as she went out the door, keeping a happy face even though I could tell he was getting progressively more nervous. "Mr. Shue should be here soon, so go get dressed."
He pulled lightly at his oversized T-shirt, then gave me a long look. "What, you can't dress yourself? Well, obviously you can't dress yourself, but that hasn't changed in the past 15 years or so."
That made him smile, and he backed up a few feet so we could play charades. His good mood was contagious, and I found myself laughing. "How many words?"
Six fingers flashed. Then he pointed at me. "I". He nodded quickly, then made a rapid 'yap yap yap' gesture by his mouth. "I said." Another nod, and he pointed at me again. "I said I." Then it hit me without further motions. "I said that I would dress you because you suck at dressing yourself. Ok, you do the dishes, and I'll pick out an outfit. Move quick, he'll be here in less then 10 minutes." He glared at me and I shrugged. "It's not my fault that you slept too late this morning."
He gathered up the dishes and started putting them right in the dishwasher, despite Carole having told him not to do that. My father is always telling me to pick my battles, and this wasn't one that I was willing to fight. "I'll be in the basement, come down when you're finished."
Finn's wardrobe was atrocious, but I managed to find a pair of jeans and a shirt that actually looked good on him. I set them on the bed and turned around, nearly slamming in to Finn, who had silently appeared behind me. He looked at the clothes and shook his head. "What's wrong with them? This is the best your wardrobe had to offer."
He pointed at the shirt, then held his hands out so I could see his wrists and the all too obvious bruising. Even though they weren't broken or even sprained, the bruising ran deep, and it would be a while before it would vanish entirely. "Ok, long sleeves then."
Luckily, Finn had more long sleeved shirts then short sleeved ones, and I was able to find two that were alright. "Pick one and let's go."
He had barely stepped towards the bed when the doorbell rang. I pushed his back. "Go, I'll keep him distracted."
Mr. Shue looked comically out of place on our front porch. He kept wringing his hands and easing from foot to foot. I opened the door. "Hi." My voice was doing that worried thing where it got all soft, despite my efforts to project it.
"Hi, Kurt." His smile put me at ease, at least a little. He was nervous, too, and if the adults were all nervous, it meant that I wasn't the only one in over my head. "Is he…"
"He's getting dressed. Sorry, we all kind of overslept this morning. Um, please come in." It felt different to have him over at my place, as opposed to me being at his. I stepped back so he could come inside, but he didn't move.
"Actually, I kind of brought him a little present, if that's alright. I left it in the car, in case his mother didn't agree with me giving it to him, but I guess she isn't here and-"
I cut him off before he could babble himself out. "I'm sure Carole will be fine with it. Anything from a friend, right?" The next part was hard to say, but I had to. "Look, you know he might freak out on you, right? I mean, he acts like Dad is some sort of serial killer and I don't know it its Dad personally or men or adults he doesn't know well or what. Just don't be surprised if he acts up."
His smile became more gentle. "Of course. I talked to Carole last night, so I understand how he might act. I'll get his present."
He made it back to his car, pulling out a large shopping bag, and was halfway back before I heard what sounded like a small herd of elephants come barreling up the stairs. It was a good thing that I managed to turn slightly, because Finn raced by me as if he had never been afraid to leave the house at all, leaping down the five porch steps like they were nothing.
It took my breath away to watch him race across the lawn and throw himself into Mr. Shue's arms. For a second, I thought we had gone back in time, and Finn would start chattering away about what song he wanted to try next.
That didn't happen, of course. Mr. She squeezed Finn tightly, letting the bag drop to the ground, and Finn squeezed back just as fiercely. The only talking came from the teacher, soft muttered words, and I felt like some sort of Peeping Tom, looking in where I wasn't wanted or needed. "I'll be inside when you two are finished."
Apparently I have more Peeping Tom in me then I like to admit, because I totally peeked out the blinds. There wasn't much to see, though. Finn had his head dropped down to Mr. Shuester's chest, while the teacher kept his arms wound tightly around Finn's broad back. After a few minutes, he rested his chin on Finn's shoulder, and, even at the distance, I could see the tears in his eyes.
They stayed like that for a few more minutes, then Mr. Shue gave Finn a nudge and gestured towards the house. Finn nodded, but didn't move until Mr. Shue did, remaining so close to his teachers side that he might as well have been fused there.
They were both inside before Finn noticed and gestured to the bag at Mr. Shue's feet. "Oh, these are for you. Except for the envelope, that's for Kurt."
My ears perked at the thought that he might have gotten me something as well, but I didn't let my hopes get too high. First, Mr. Shue pulled out a stuffed lion, which he handed over to Finn, who gave him a goofy grin and reached out to cuddle it. "I know this is a little childish, but I saw him and I thought that you've been as brave as a lion so far, and you deserved something to show that."
Finn tucked the plush under one arm, then signed a heartfelt 'thank you.' I started to interpret, but Mr. Shue didn't need me to. "Oh, are you learning sign now?"
I liked that he addressed Finn directly, and in a way that my new brother had an actual chance of answering, instead of talking to me and just pretending he was talking to Finn. The dark head shook once.
That's what you think, Finn. You don't want to talk, fine, but that's no excuse for refusing to communicate at all. If you don't want to do it the easy way and use your voice, there's always the hard way.
Finn pointed at the bag again and Mr. Shue pulled out the mother lode. There must have been a dozen boxes of Sour Patch Kids, something that made Finn's face light up. He lunged for them, and Mr. Shue pulled them back, his eyes crinkling with his teasing smile. "Do not eat all of these tonight, because I do not want your mother calling and telling me how sick you are. Promise?"
Finn thought for a minute, the mental wheels almost visibly, then shook his head quickly, that sassy grin lighting his face again. Unbelievable. Not only was Finn not freaking out at the sight of Mr. Shue, he was actually teasing and playing with him. Maybe he was tougher then any of us gave him credit for.
Or maybe Mr. Shuester isn't what frightens him. I would start thinking real hard about the traits that your father has that Mr. Shue doesn't. There's something, and Finn obviously isn't going to tell what it is.
While I was lost in my thoughts, the pair in front of me seemed to have come to some sort of agreement, because now Finn had the candy. He eased the package open and offered it to each of us. I declined, but Mr. Shue took a handful. "And this is for Kurt." He pulled out a thin envelope.
"You didn't have to get me anything." I was really touched by the gesture though.
He smiled. "Yeah, I did. I know what it's like to get caught in the shuffle, Kurt, and to feel forgotten."
"Thank you." I opened the seal with trembling hands to reveal a gift certificate to the spa two towns over. My mouth dropped open. Somehow, Mr. Shue, who didn't look like he had ever seen the inside of a spa in his life, had found the perfect gift. I was too overwhelmed to speak, but he seemed to get it anyway. "I had to call around, but someone told me that this would be perfect for you."
I was willing to be that that someone would be Mercedes. "Thank you, Mr. Shue, this is perfect."
He visibly relaxed. "I wanted to get you something more personal, but there were so many different things, and I had no idea which ones you might like. So I just picked a general one."
Finn leaned over my shoulder, eager to see what I had gotten. He read swiftly, then snorted. Obviously, he considered his gifts far superior to mine. "No, this is great. As soon as Carole has a day off and can stay with Finn, I'm going."
"Well, Finn can always come spend the day over at my place if he likes. Now that Terri's moved out, it's a bachelor pad again. What do you say, Finn, greasy take out and action movies?"
Even I had to admit that that sounded like the Finn Hudson version of heaven. Sure enough, my new brother (and old crush. Well, not so old crush. Ok, current crush.) looked like he was in ecstasy. "If Carole approves, I'm sure he'd like that."
The issue would be getting Carole to approve. There were exactly two people she trusted with Finn these days, and that would be me and her. It wasn't that she didn't trust Dad, but Finn didn't, and that meant that they couldn't be alone together. Period. It was unclear how she expected to fix the problem, so right now we were all going to just pretend that it wasn't happening and that we were one big happy family.
"Both of you have my number, so she can feel free to call at any time. It shouldn't be an issue, though, should it? I mean, she's allowed you to come over multiple times alone."
Kind of. I was allowed to go over there when I was with the rest of the group, or even one other person, but Dad was very clear that I was never to be in Mr. Shuester's apartment alone, for any reason at all. He just didn't trust a man who would willingly have a teenage student of either gender over. It was hard, if not impossible for me to explain that it wasn't creepy like that, that Mr. Shue was really a good guy. He at least tried to help us, even if all his advice did sometimes was make things worse. Carole had been less judgmental, but I was Dad's kid and his word was law. I wondered if she would feel different since it was Finn.
When it came right down to it, I would sometimes lie to both Dad and Carole, and go over there by myself. It was nice to just have a place to sit and relax, without having to look at all of Finn's things or put on my happy face for Carole. Mr. Shue would make a meal, but otherwise leave me alone, unless I actively indicated wanting company. I never did, though. So he would grade papers or put together things for Glee and I would sit in the same room and read or do homework. I liked being close to him, I just didn't like having to talk to him, especially not about anything to do with Finn being gone.
Once I had had a chance to calm down and recenter myself, I would go home, and make up a lie about how the impromptu Glee practice, the one everyone had been required to attend, had gone, always making sure to tell Dad about what I had sung. Sometimes I would tell Carole all about what Mercedes and I had seen on our imaginary trip to the mall. Neither one ever bothered checking up on my stories. Why would they? I was a good kid, trustworthy, and, most importantly, not the special one. Really, I understood. There was only so much attention to go around, and getting Finn home required most of it. It was just that I had kind of hoped that things would be different once he was here. You know, that I would start getting some attention again, too.
Selfish.
I didn't think that it was so selfish to want attention from my own family, especially since Dad was my father, not Finn's.
"Ah-hah. Can I guess that you haven't exactly been honest about where you've been all those times you came over to my place."
"That wouldn't be untrue." I gave him a guilty look, wondering if he was about to tell Dad what I had been up to.
Finn whistled through his teeth, causing both of us to jump. Sometimes it was hard for me to remember that he was even there these days. The way things had been before, he couldn't last three seconds without making some sort of sound, whether it was talking, fooling around with something electronic, or just knocking something over. Now hours could pass before he would try and draw the slightest attention to himself.
When I looked over at him, he held up his hand for a high five. Apparently pulling off a successful lie to ones parents was something to celebrate, at least in Finn's world. I actually felt bad when I lied to them, but I slapped his hand anyway. Mr. Shue rolled his eyes. "I'm going to pretend that I didn't see or hear that."
The three of us sat together for almost an hour, with Mr. Shue and I talking about our plans for next year and Finn making gestures that didn't seem to mean much, but had them both laughing. Finn, naturally, didn't make a single sound, though I now knew that he could if he felt like it.
What I still didn't know was why. Finn wanted to communicate with us, if his gestures and occasionally written words were anything to go by, so why wouldn't he just talk?
For once, my obsessive nature and determination to know absolutely everything about a given subject had paid off, and I knew more about teenagers who refused to talk then most people ever would. There were multiple theories, most of which contradicted each other, but two kept resurfacing: trauma and control.
If it was trauma, Finn was too scared to talk. Either he had been threatened, or he was afraid that it he opened his mouth, no matter what he intended to say, that he would blurt out everything that had happened to him, everything that he was trying to keep a secret.
I was leaning more towards it being a control issue. Over the past few months, everything had spiraled out of control for Finn. He had been taken somewhere he didn't want to be and forced to do things that he didn't want to do. Then he was drug back to Lima, put through a humiliating medical exam, and thrown back into his old life.
Except it wasn't his old life at all. It wasn't his old bedroom, or his old house, or even his old family. Everything was new and different to him and he hadn't been able to control any of the changes in his life.
But he could control his own body. That was what the issue with refusing our meals was, too. None of us could force him to eat, and none of us could force him to talk, no matter what we tried. Those two things were completely his, and he was exploiting that for all it was worth. It was a last desperate attempt to cling to his sense of self.
That made me sympathetic (well, most of the time. And the times I wasn't being sympathetic to him, I was probably being a jerk.), but it didn't give me a very clear idea of what to do about it. The only thing that the websites I had visited and books I had read seemed to agree on was that it was important not to let Finn shut us out entirely, and to keep him communicating on at least a basic level. If he wouldn't communicate at all, it was a sign of a much deeper mental problem.
Luckily, that didn't seem to be the case with Finn. He was delighted to have people to communicate with, as his behavior towards first Mecedes and Tina, then Mr. Shue showed. I wondered if anyone had bothered to communicate with him in the four months he had been away.
"Journey? Finn, you're a genius!" Mr. Shue slapped the big shoulder and I held my breath, waiting to see if Finn would react. "We started that way last year, and it will be the perfect start to next year, too. Are you still going to be a part of the club?"
Finn nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again. For the first time since Mr. Shue had arrived, he looked confused. The both looked at me, but I had no idea what the problem was either, so I shrugged. "What?"
His jaw worked rapidly, and for a minute I thought he was frustrated enough to speak. For a brief second, his mouth opened and he took a deep breath, but nothing came out. Then he shook his head softly and looked at the ground.
Mr. Shue stepped in. "It's alright, Finn. You'll get it eventually."
The hurt look didn't quite leave Finn's eyes, but he smiled gamely and nodded. The fun had gone out of his face, though, and it hurt to see.
I tried to help out. "What did you guys mean by Journey? The group?"
They both nodded. "Finn thinks that a mashup of Journey songs would be a great start to the year. You know, start off the same way we did before."
I smiled. "That is clever, Finn." His chest puffed with pride, the same way it always did when anyone paid him the smallest compliment. "It will be a renewal of sorts."
Neither of us brought up the fact that, even if Finn was there, we would still only have 11 members. That was a hurdle that could be jumped 5 months from now, when Sectionals rolled around again.
Mr. Shuester kept talking to Finn, but I noticed that he wasn't as good at it as Tina had been. His voice got too loud, as if Finn had lost the proper use of his ears, as opposed to just his voice. He also wasn't giving Finn enough time to even process what was being said, much less attempt to reply. I could tell that Finn was frustrated, but not if he was frustrated enough to want his teacher gone.
Eventually, though, we all ran out of things to talk about. It was hard to talk to Finn these days, because everything that we needed to talk about, everything important, was off limits. We couldn't talk about where he had been, who he had been with, Puck, his relationship with Dad, his relationship with me, anything. We weren't just walking on eggshells, we were walking on Faberge Eggs and I just knew I was going to break one sooner or later.
And Finn can't talk at all. Just saying.
But there was nothing wrong with Finn other then fact that he was stubborn, was there? I mean, he could just open his mouth and say something. Or maybe he couldn't. Maybe the silence was under his control, maybe it wasn't. Maybe all of this was Finn's fault, maybe none of it was, maybe it was partially his and partially mine?
You aren't even making sense to yourself now. Take a minute to think it through, ok?
For once, that stupid voice had some good advice. Since neither Finn nor Mr. Shue were paying much attention to me, I closed my eyes and just thought about it all. Who deserved the blame for everything that had happened?
Finn had been out of the house the night he was taken, something that was usually not allowed when Dad and Carole weren't going to be home. Why had he been out? The memory had been so clear the entire time Finn was missing, but now I was having trouble remembering. I remembered him telling Carole that I was making him nervous, and begging to go out with Puck, but Carole was the one who had let him go. So maybe this was her fault instead? Or was it Puck's?
Does it really matter why Finn was out? He was 16, it was a Friday night, and he was with a friend. The only thing that matters was that he was out. There was no way for you to stop him.
So the fact that Finn was with Puck that night was nobody's fault. I hadn't driven him from the house, and he hadn't gone out courting danger. Ok, that was good, no one's fault so far. So what was next?
Finn hadn't come home when he said that he would. He hadn't called, hadn't texted, nothing. But I had done everything I could have, right? I had called him, tried Puck, even called the hospitals. I hadn't called the police, though, nor had I called Dad or Carole. At the time it had seemed like a good idea, one brother covering for the other. It was only later that I realized what had happened. So that was my fault.
But I guessed that Finn could bear some fault there, too. When exactly had he gone missing? Had it been before he should have been home, or after? If he had pushed the curfew and stayed out too late, only to run into trouble, wasn't it his own fault? There was no way of knowing the truth about anything that had happened that night, except that Puck was dead and Finn wasn't.
Kurt, honey, that's a good thing. Finn's a little tired, a little bit broken, but he's still alive. He has a chance that Puck doesn't.
A hand touched my shoulder unexpectedly, and I was barely able to keep from shrieking. My eyes flew open, only to see Finn's just a few inches away. His eyebrows raised, and he made a gestures that I chose to see as 'what's wrong?' "Nothing, Finn. I'm fine."
Then he made a new gesture. I watched in surprise as he crossed one arm over the other, resting his forearms together. Then he extended the pinky and pointer finger of one hand, then rapidly flashed the fingers of the opposite hand a few times. I had no idea what he was trying to say, but Mr. Shue apparently did, because he laughed. Since I wasn't likely to get a response out of Finn, I turned to him. "What's so funny?"
"If I remember correctly, I think Finn just called you out on your bullshit. Right Finn? Bullshit?" He repeated the gesture and Finn nodded.
"That's disgusting, Finn." Ok, it was kind of funny, but if Finn found out that I thought that, I would never live it down. "Where did you even learn that gesture?"
He smiled and shook his head. Still, I had a pretty good guess. "Tina?"
Another grin and a thumbs up. Then he gave me an expectant look, clearly still expecting an explanation. "I'm just a little tired, and I haven't had time to shower or anything, so I feel gross."
Mr. Shue nodded. "Please don't let me keep you from your plans. Finn, it was good to see you, and let me know if you want to come over any time."
"Actually, could you hang out while I get ready? I'm sure that Finn has things he would rather say to you, instead of the both of us. Finn, I'll be right downstairs." It worried me to leave him, but this was a test. If Finn could handle being left alone with another man, even if it was Mr. Shue, whom he knew and trusted, then maybe he would be able to get past everything. If he couldn't…..well, I was just going to assume he could.
"That would be fine. I have a date with Emma, but not until much later."
Finding out that his favorite teacher had a girlfriend (again, when were the two of them ever going to learn?), got Finn's attention and I decided to make my escape while he was distracted. Sure enough, he didn't even notice as I slipped from the room.
If there was something new that I was learning about Finn, though, it was that he might not be very bright, but he was as tenacious as a terrier. He would get the truth out of me about my worries, whether I wanted to tell him or not.
Getting my things together for the shower was automatic now, and I found my thoughts drifting back to the blame game. Ok, so I hadn't driven him out of the house, and, while it hadn't been the wisest choice to let him stay out all night without calling Dad or Carole, it probably didn't have much bearing on what had happened. What else was there to consider? Finn's mental state that night? Had he been careless because he was upset with me and everything that had happened? What about Puck's mental state? Had he led Finn into trouble, either inadvertently or on purpose? God knew, it wouldn't be the first time.
Why are you so obsessed with this? It happened; all of you have to deal with it now. Why does it have to be anyone's fault? Sometimes bad things happen, and there's not one to blame for them.
But that couldn't be the case here. This time, someone had done something wrong, either Finn or I, or one of our parents, or Puck. The person who had taken Finn was wrong, but there had to be more to it then that.
Because if there wasn't more to it, if Finn and Puck were just random victims, then what had happened to them could happen to anyone. Mercedes, Tina, even me, and that just wasn't possible. Finn had barely survived what he had gone through, and there was no way I could have done it. It had to be more then chance that had put him out that night instead of me.
No, it was someone's fault; I just had to figure out whose. Anything else was just too horrible to contemplate.